Distressed - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #76 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Distressed

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Originally Posted by BigBri View Post
So... what you're saying is that your wife is cheating because of a psychological issue? I think they're ALL mental when cheating is involved. Her throwing it in your face isn't a psychological thing, it's DISRESPECTFUL.
I think that my wife has a big problem with marriage and togetherness because of a serious personality disorder. She might also have added to the mix some of the usual garden-variety motivators of infidelity.

And it is all extremely disrespectful.

I agree with your point that, in the first instance, it doesn't matter why she is cheating, the key fact is that she is doing it.

My point is that, if she has a significant personality disorder, the usual "tough love", stick-and-carrot, approach to marriage reconciliation isn't likely to work.

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post #77 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 02:20 PM
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Re: Distressed

All the more reason to show her the black and white proof of her bad behavior. I understand there maybe other issues (BPD) also at hand, but..........

In my experience I showed my WW the text and pictures that forced the issue. What I mean is something that was so undenialbe and with out any explaination that yes she was in an affair.

I mean going to bed with my W and waking up in the middle of the night to find her gone and then waking up to find her sleeping next to me. Come on, she wakes up likes nothing wrong and when I confront her, its explained away with going to help out a friend.

She found it unnessesary to wake me and tell me..ok fine why didn't she pick up her cell. Well as this happened several times, there always seemed to be a reason and even when she went out and never came home until the morning...again another reason.

Each time asking if there was another man, and of course there was no one else. I believe it was to horrible for her to face.

But when faced with the reality that she is actualy looking at the unhealthy behavior in front of her own eyes...the ughly text, the pictures confirming her unhealthy and dumb choices she is making under the cover of darkness. As this vampire continues to validate her behavior and convince her to continue, my wife only realises the bad behavior and the awful things she writes about when her husband (me) has to shows her the reality, and explain the consequences to her if she continues.

Only then does the reality hit her like a ton of bricks...... " I didnt mean to write that" or "is that realy me". Yes it is her and she is for a fact behaving in an unhealthy way. Now there is no explaining it no excusses, no were to go but to admit she has a "problem".

I met a guy on this site that went for months watching his W unhealthy behavior and with no way to get proof or admission, and her always explaining her way out of it, no matter how rediculice it sounded. He finaly hired a cheap PI, It was quick and the proof was solid and only then did his wife make an admission that there was a "problem".

Granted you have enough to confront and you propably should, but I just have my experience to give as another perspective in confronting the affair.

I'm sure you can confront and it may be as effective as it can be with what you have, put IMO the slap (figuratively) in the face that hopefully shakes them from there fantasy is the ugly and discietful thing WW will have to *look at* when you confront. Something tangelable that actualy shows there bad behavior with out explaination or rationalization for what they are doing.

When I showed my WW the text, the pictures, the amount of text, the journel I kept with her coming and goings, and my sons report card, she just cried.

My confrontation plan worked great, she owns her part in an unhealthy marriage, and with that admission we both can now move on to the next step. Both is the key word here. Now that she (litterally) sees her unhealthy behavior she has made the choice to to change for the better.
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post #78 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 02:30 PM
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Re: Distressed

If his wife has BPD, he needs to plan his strategy. What worked for you would not work in his case.
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post #79 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 02:42 PM
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Re: Distressed

P-
Yes I aggree and the main thing here is use this form to come up with the best game plan for the situation.

My case is just a case...a perspective that can be added or deleteded according to his confrontation plan.

I'm just the_guy I have nothing to offer but my experience and if it doesn't fit his case then hopefully another person reading his thread will see my experience as helpfull.

My suggestion is only a suggestion, B- will know when and how to confront. I believe we've given him lots of ammo.
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post #80 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 02:57 PM
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Re: Distressed

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The OM she slept with is divorced.
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"By the way, the colleague in question has apparently had a very rocky marital history. He and his wife separated two years ago, but he returned last year because of their kids. So I am guessing it wouldn't be difficult to pry him loose again if he had a good incentive on his hands."

I took this to mean the couple was back together. As far as the BPD I guess I'm missing the difference between her and any other cheaters described on these forums. She seems very stereotypical to me. Could you list the differences?
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post #81 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 03:18 PM
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Re: Distressed

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As far as the BPD I guess I'm missing the difference between her and any other cheaters described on these forums.
I'm of the same mind. Whatever strategy he has in mind makes no difference, in the context of exposing her as a cheater. Strategy comes in the aftermath of exposure-- whether to stay or leave. You need to call her on it already... you're just prolonging it.
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post #82 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 03:39 PM
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Re: Distressed

Is he prolonging it b/c he's affriad, I think not. He's planing and theres nothing wrong with that. He will figure out the most effective why to confront, and if his W chooses to continue the A then he can expose.
Exposing to soon can push her away, confront first and see were she goes from there. She could still deny and any exposeure before confronting will lead to him coming out the jealouse, crazy, bad husband.

Again if he can stand it, waiting and getting solid proof is best to have, IMO
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post #83 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 04:13 PM
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Re: Distressed

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As far as the BPD I guess I'm missing the difference between her and any other cheaters described on these forums. She seems very stereotypical to me. Could you list the differences?
Chapparal, I described many of the differences in my post #52 above (at Distressed). All types of individuals -- some of whom who are emotionally stable and healthy -- are capable of cheating under the right circumstances. Those cheaters who have strong BPD traits typically are emotionally unstable, have difficulty trusting, have a weak and fragile self image, have a great fear of abandonment and engulfment, and have a distorted perception of other peoples intentions. These problems are so serious that they can easily destroy a marriage (and entire families) on their own, without any cheating whatsoever.

Hence, if Berilo's W has strong BPD traits, as he believes, she has problems FAR more difficult to deal with than cheating. She has severe damage to her emotional core that nobody in the world can fix. She is the only person who can begin to undo that damage by learning how to manage her BPD traits -- a process that would take weekly therapy for several years at the very least. Yet, because she is refusing to seek therapy or take responsibility for her destructive behavior, Berilo's only real option -- if she is a BPDer -- is to carefully plan his departure and eventually announce the divorce. That's why Pidge said above that the usual options for dealing with a cheating spouse have no chance of working with a BPDer.
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post #84 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 05:15 PM
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Re: Distressed

The key word here is "as he believes"

I'm still in the group that it follows the affair script and should be dealt with the usual options as most WW.

Again if there are better option in dealing with cheaters with BPD then maybe thats the safest bet? So if Berilo's W has PBD, does this need to be addressed first while she continues the affair?

But again thats just me.... we all know Berilo will have the final say in how he confronts his wife. I just hope he can show her some solide proof that will wake her @ss up. Something she can see and not just be accused of.
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post #85 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 05:49 PM
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Re: Distressed

Berilo, I have been folliowng your thread for a couple of days here.

In an abstract manner, I wish to tell you what I see going in here.

I see a man who is so anguished and in disbelief of what has happened, he is spending every ounce of resource on any possible reason why this may have happened. All the while, his marriage slips farther and farther into affairland.

So what if you find this magic bullet you seek? It still will not STOP the affair. Until you do that, nothing will change. At this point, the "WHY" doesn't matter, it is the "What" you need to deal with. If that magic bullet comes out during R, then grab it and deal with it head on. However, until you confront and begin creating consequences for her to feel as a result of this, there is no hope of recovery. It is time for a hard bout of self reflection.

DO YOU WANT THIS MARRIAGE OR NOT? If no, then simply cut your losses and move on. The why no longer matters because the what doesn't matter.

If YES, then get busy exposing, confronting and starting the steps outlined by so many before on this thread. Until you make THAT committment, nothing will change, no matter what hypothesis, what ideas, what beliefs or what excuses you come up with.

Q~


Last edited by MrQuatto; 08-07-2011 at 05:52 PM. Reason: eye can;t spel
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post #86 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 06:34 PM
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post #87 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 06:48 PM
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Re: Distressed

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good post MrQ
Thx

Sometimes, even a blind squirrel finds a nut


Q~
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post #88 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 06:51 PM
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Re: Distressed

He has enough evidence already... as Quatto was saying... what magic bullet are you looking for??? You know she's cheating already... do you want to catch them in the act, or something?
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post #89 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 06:58 PM
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Re: Distressed

My thought, well my experience is that when you can *show* them something so unappropriate that there is no way to dismiss it, it has a profound effect on the DS fantasy.
IMO any evidence is more of a statement of fact rather then an acusation.

It was my understanding there was no evidence, did I miss something?
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post #90 of 338 (permalink) Old 08-07-2011, 07:01 PM
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Re: Distressed

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You have enough to out him to his wife and if you know who employs him. He is likely to be using company time to conduct the affair , and no doubt company assets to send mails and/or a company paid hotel room.

Out him to his wife, they are all unhappily married , supposedly, as is your wife according to her. Do not tell your wife, expose and wait , if she changes her behaviour she is still I'm contact. Be decisive and act fast.
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WHOA! Careful with this! Involving his wife may be dangerous to her and to you! You do not know who you are dealing with! And I would be careful exposing his and her extra marital affair to co-workers. If he loses his job and wife he may become violent.

I have been EXACTLY where you are 7 years ago. I purchased tracking software to see what my husband was doing in the computer. I was devastated but I realized this: he wanted out of our marriage. And I decided that fighting for something that was dead was a waste of time. He didn't love me anymore. Why would I fight to stay in a marriage with someone who didn't love me? As much as it hurt, I had to let him go, but I never made a scene, didn't contact his job or the new woman.

Do not cause drama by contacting OM or Mrs. OM. Your problem is with your wife. And she is the only person you need to contact. Here is my advice on what to do with her:

1) When you talk to her, only ask questions and only relay facts.
2) Do not talk about your feelings. You need to remain unemotional. You can't yell or show weakness.
3) Control the conversation and ask tell her what you want.
Fidelity or she needs to pack up and leave.
4) Be calm and matter of fact. No tears, no whining, no begging. She made a choice to cheat. It is up to you to guide the final conversation.

Sweetie, she has disrespected you. I don't believe she loves you enough to salvage this relationship. You will never be able to trust her again, will you? If you can, is she the woman you really want to cuddle with after she has cuddled with another man in your house?

I'm sorry you are experiencing this pain. I know how you feel and you deserve someone you can trust and laugh with. Grow some sack and take control of the conversation that I know you don't want to have. You can do it!
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