No, "were just friends" or "it work related stuff"
My WW had a sh*t load of text it was hard to figure her flavor for the day was. I wanted to make sure there was absolutely no way to explain her way out of it. I used exact names and places that I found doing my investigation. I new more about some of the OM's then she did.
In a way I agree with confronting now, but what he has is speculation and it sucks but the magic bullet sure sweetens (for lack of a better term) the confrontation.
1. A text from OM on her cell. ("I miss you, my love", etc.)
2. Lots of calls/text from OM's name on her cell phone record until two weeks ago, then stopped suddenly and then two other names appeared (including the one she hung up on twice in my presence in the car).
3. An email in her trash that she hadn't cleared from a month ago to OM asking if he might want to come by, snuggle and watch a movie with her. Which happened to be the day after I left town on a four-day business trip. (I found this when she forgot to log off her account and fell asleep. A dagger through my heart.)
This is enough objective evidence to make me certain I am not crazy or jealous or imagining things. But the pattern of furtive conduct -- hiding in the bathroom with the door shut too often, locking down and jealously guarding her cell phones, unexplained or inconsistent absences or lapses, finding total fault with me, being indifferent to my well-being (other than formulaically), not being engaged in our home renovation and vacation plans -- is actually a bigger sign.
I need to find a better paper and voice trail to back it up.
Oh, by the way, I have confirmed that OM is married, but "unhappily". He has known my wife for many years and is a "peer" of hers in the profession. He lives in another city a few hours away but comes to work in the same relatively small office as she is in two days a week (stays over a night or two, without his family, of course). So he's a perfect fling for her: he's available every week, "understands her", and is really eager to find some lovin'.
I have never met him, but I hear he is a real animated guy. I think he gushes all over her. I don't "gush", but I am a warm person who frequently expressed my love and appreciation for my wife. I think she is mistaking flash for substance here.
I can almost hear what she's saying to him: "Oh, OM, you are so fun and easy to talk to. You understand me. We can talk about everything. And you're so hot! I can't wait to get more! I can't talk to my husband. He's reserved. He is a stick-in-the-mud, is only interested in [whatever]. And he argues all of the time with me. I think he's defensive about everything. I actually think he's screwing his [secretary/dentist/neighbor/whoever] on the side, you know. But only in the daytime, 'cause he usually falls asleep quickly at night. How fun is that?"
Let's mark this prediction and see how right I am about the dialogue when I find out more.
I would think this evidence he posted would be enough to confront. I know more is better but if he is not willing to do the VAR, KEYLOGGER, TXT PRINT OUT, then what else is left?
Granted the request of the texts is only good if he is on the account as well but right now there is nothing but limbo as far as the eye can see if th VAR and Key Logger are not deployed at least.
^More than enough, if you ask me. I guess he wants "concrete" proof, though. I just don't see the point of having to hide behind corners listening-in on her conversations with OM. I wouldn't be able to put-up with the blatant disrespect... call me crazy.
What sucks is it stopped, most likely deeper under ground. but the way Berilo's wife was acting the other day, would have been a good day to confront. But that time has past and most likely its getting tough and tougher to handle for him.
I still think there is a bigger smoking gun its just a matter of taking the time to find it, but again the affair will grow at the same time.
I am feeling awful, really. I can't think of too much else than this situation, it weighs very heavily on me. I have found some calm at work this week, which has helped. One of our groups is working late on a project tonight, with pizza brought in, so I am just going to hang around with them and help out so I don't have to go home until about 10:00. Yes -- someone is actually, truly "working late"!
Atmosphere at home is awkward but not tense. I think she is oblivious to what I already know and what I am collecting on the affair. I haven't looked carefully yet at what information I am getting, as it hurts very much what I have already seen. I will look at it Monday when I can take the afternoon off. If if give her some space on the weekend, she'll probably inadvertently give me everything else I need.
Good luck, stay strong, but most of all pray. So sorry for your situation and I am praying for you too. It may be to early to say but all the men I know that have truly let go have all ended up much better than before. One sixty year old has had several break ups over the years and is finally getting married again with no regrets at all. Its going to be tough but worth it.
Berilo - I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU NOT MAKE LONG TERM DECISIONS. You are in shock and guessing at what is wrong is with her. We are not psychiatrists and neither are you. BPD may be the root issue, MAYBE NOT. You are reacting to pain and fear. You need to confront and see what happens. She may be fully willing to do everything necessary to make your marriage work and mean it. Do not let your anger, fear and what little you know so far make your decisions.
I just read your thread. You have been given some great advice.
The position you are in now is limbo. This is by far the most painful place to be.
Confront your wife with the evidence that you have. It is ample.
Ask her what she wants to do. Set your boundaries.
That is all you have to do at this stage. But, please. Just do it.
Berilo, thanks for the update. Please be very careful. Although you have not seen her become physically violent in the past, an emotionally unstable woman is capable of acting in ways you never thought possible. My exW, for example, simply amazed me. Like your W, my exW never was physically violent but she did have an explosive temper tantrum in which she called the police and had me arrested on a bogus charge. A BPDer has full control over her actions even when throwing a hissy fit. She can be in such a rage for an hour and, then, when the police arrive, instantly transform into the meek, distraught "victim" she wants to portray. I therefore wish you the very best, Berilo.
Berilo, osrry it has come to be true. You have great advice here already. Read through and plan a course of action. There are also a number of other great threads. You aren't alone, there are dozens going through the same thing.
We are here for you and willing to help. Use this to ask questions, get advice and vent. that's what we're here for