Distressed - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 5Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #106 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 10:25 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 127
Re: Distressed

Well, I finally did it and confronted her last night. It didn't happen in the way I expected, but it's done.

Anyway, I had gathered more than enough information, including recordings and emails, about her affair. It is so blatant it is also ridiculous. Yesterday, after dinner, she received a call and went to take it in the bathroom -- in hushed tones.

I don't know why, and it probably wasn't the right thing to do, but I wondered what would happen if the situation were reversed? So an hour later, I called myself on my personal cell from my business cell. I picked it up, walked out to the balcony and pretended to talk in hushed tones. When she followed me in, I said "Have to go, and hung up."

She exploded, demanding to know who I was talking to! (Wow! On the first "mysterious" call! I have suffered about 100!) I told her "nobody", which was true, and it got worse. She pried my cell out of my hands (no problem, nothing to hide), I went to take a shower. When I came out, she was on her Blackberry, so I returned the favor and pried it out of her hands. She was texting the OM, who was listed by name, and saying she loved him and if she married him she'd be the happiest woman in the world. He said something to the same effect.

That was the signal for my declaration. I told her I knew she was having an affair, I had lots of proof, and it was over. I started to pack my bags, as I had been preparing to move to our bigger and nicer house we are building (it's 85% finished).

She blew up, starting to accuse me of all kinds of awful things (none of which has any truth), and demanded that I return her cell. I said yes, once I had seen all the messages. She responded by smashing my cell on the floor. I did the same thing with hers, and kept the chip. (I don't care about mine, there's nothing there.)

As I was taking my bags out of the apartment, she took my briefcase, which had my laptop, and tossed it out of the 12th floor window to the (unoccupied) terrance below. I did the same with her purse, and left, not before she gave me a good whack on the head with the big television remote. Ouch!

We both went downstairs to find our stuff. Mine was stuck on a second floor terrace, and I might not be able to get it. It's probably a wreck anyway. Most of the laptop files are backed up at work, so it's not a total loss.

Her purse, however, was open, and all the stuff in it went flying -- and the wind was up, so it scattered it everywhere. I helped her pick up a few things, determined that I couldn't find any more (including my briefcase), and said a quick good-bye.

I got into a taxi 10 minutes later. The new house isn't very comfortable yet, almost no furniture, but it was quiet and peaceful.

I wish it hadn't happened this way, but it did, and Uptown was right on that she became this ferocious monster.

I have had a few items of good luck in what I took and how I left, which I won't post here. But one of them is that I had accidentally left my VAR on -- it recorded the whole thing. I just listened to it this morning -- she sounds like a raving maniac, while I am just expressing disappointment and the usual bitterness of being betrayed. (I have been living with this for so long, I don't have the anger that I might have had a few months ago.) This recording could come in very handy if, as Uptown warns, she escalates the action.

I am changing the locks on the new house and seeing my lawyer again on Tuesday.


Last edited by Berilo; 02-08-2012 at 08:12 AM. Reason: Delete some extraneous personal information.
Berilo is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #107 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 10:41 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 9,954
Re: Distressed

Ok now when are you contacting the OMW? Do it as soon as you can before they can do damage control.
Posted via Mobile Device
Shaggy is offline  
post #108 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 11:20 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 10,713
Re: Distressed

B-
So after the blame shifting you mentioned and the a little history rewrite, along with no remorse whats so ever, you still need to go to the next step.
Evidence=check
Confrontation=check
EXPOSURE=


So there was no admission, it happens, now is the time to make this affair as difficult as possible by exposing it to a small group;OMW, W's family, and if its work related then employeer HR dept.

Making this A uncomfrotable will bring reality crashing down on them. So please take this next step.
the guy is offline  
 
post #109 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 11:31 AM
Member
 
pidge70's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Missouri
Posts: 4,202
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berilo View Post
Well, I finally did it and confronted her last night. It didn't happen in the way I expected, but it's done.

I had to wait a few weeks before I dropped the bomb, because my uncle had a stroke and I am his closest relative. (He's ok but in hospital. I couldn't deal with two family crises at the same time.)

Anyway, I had gathered more than enough information, including recordings and emails, about her affair. It is so blatant it is also ridiculous. Yesterday, after dinner, she received a call and went to take it in the bathroom -- in hushed tones.

I don't know why, and it probably wasn't the right thing to do, but I wondered what would happen if the situation were reversed? So an hour later, I called myself on my personal cell from my business cell. I picked it up, walked out to the balcony and pretended to talk in hushed tones. When she followed me in, I said "Have to go, and hung up."

She exploded, demanding to know who I was talking to! (Wow! On the first "mysterious" call! I have suffered about 100!) I told her "nobody", which was true, and it got worse. She pried my cell out of my hands (no problem, nothing to hide), I went to take a shower. When I came out, she was on her Blackberry, so I returned the favor and pried it out of her hands. She was texting the OM, who was listed by name, and saying she loved him and if she married him she'd be the happiest woman in the world. He said something to the same effect.

That was the signal for my declaration. I told her I knew she was having an affair, I had lots of proof, and it was over. I started to pack my bags, as I had been preparing to move to our bigger and nicer house we are building (it's 85% finished).

She blew up, starting to accuse me of all kinds of awful things (none of which has any truth), and demanded that I return her cell. I said yes, once I had seen all the messages. She responded by smashing my cell on the floor. I did the same thing with hers, and kept the chip. (I don't care about mine, there's nothing there.)

As I was taking my bags out of the apartment, she took my briefcase, which had my laptop, and tossed it out of the 12th floor window to the (unoccupied) terrance below. I did the same with her purse, and left, not before she gave me a good whack on the head with the big television remote. Ouch!

We both went downstairs to find our stuff. Mine was stuck on a second floor terrace, and I might not be able to get it. It's probably a wreck anyway. Most of the laptop files are backed up at work, so it's not a total loss.

Her purse, however, was open, and all the stuff in it went flying -- and the wind was up, so it scattered it everywhere. I helped her pick up a few things, determined that I couldn't find any more (including my briefcase), and said a quick good-bye.

I got into a taxi 10 minutes later. The new house isn't very comfortable yet, almost no furniture, but it was quiet and peaceful.

I wish it hadn't happened this way, but it did, and Uptown was right on that she became this ferocious monster.

I have had a few items of good luck in what I took and how I left, which I won't post here. But one of them is that I had accidentally left my VAR on -- it recorded the whole thing. I just listened to it this morning -- she sounds like a raving maniac, while I am just expressing disappointment and the usual bitterness of being betrayed. (I have been living with this for so long, I don't have the anger that I might have had a few months ago.) This recording could come in very handy if, as Uptown warns, she escalates the action.

I am changing the locks on the new house and seeing my lawyer again on Tuesday.

I am sorry it came to that. I also knew that she would most likely get violent if she has BPD. Sounds like how I've reacted almost to the letter.

I hope you realize you did nothing wrong. If she has BPD she has to get psychiatric intervention. That is on her. She is a broken person and will be till she seeks help. You would never have been able to "fix" her.

I wish you all the best.
Posted via Mobile Device
pidge70 is offline  
post #110 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 11:41 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 10,713
Re: Distressed

One more thing B-
I thought the set up was ingenious. Well played with fake call, well played.

I couldn't think of a better set up to the confrontation.

I'm sorry it went south, but who would of thought your W would be dumb enought to start something and not expect the same thing to happen to her.

Please do tell, what was her reaction when she saw that it was your own # on the own cell? Why in the hell would she immediately make a call to OM in front of you? please clarify.
the guy is offline  
post #111 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 12:00 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 127
Re: Distressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by pidge70 View Post
I am sorry it came to that. I also knew that she would most likely get violent if she has BPD. Sounds like how I've reacted almost to the letter.

I hope you realize you did nothing wrong. If she has BPD she has to get psychiatric intervention. That is on her. She is a broken person and will be till she seeks help. You would never have been able to "fix" her.

I wish you all the best.
Posted via Mobile Device

Thanks so much, Pidge, for your support over the past few months. I was really surprised how violent she got, at least compared to her normal state. Like a switch got flipped or something. And for little reason, me being coy about one quick phone call.
Berilo is offline  
post #112 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 12:05 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Uptown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 2,628
Re: Distressed

Berilo, thanks for your latest update. That went amazingly WELL for a divorce announcement with a BPDer. She didn't have you arrested and neither of you was seriously hurt physically. I therefore am very happy for you that this stage of the divorce (i.e., the announcement and separation) is behind you.

I agree with Pidge that you did nothing wrong. On the contrary, you did so many things right. Having your W's temper tantrum recorded may prove useful in court because, as I've said, you won't be able to prove she has strong BPD traits by bringing in a psychologist. Like TheGuy, I sure would have liked to see the expression on her face when she realized you had only called yourself. That was icing on the cake! You did well, Berilo. Very very well!
Uptown is offline  
post #113 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 12:09 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 127
Re: Distressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy View Post
One more thing B-
I thought the set up was ingenious. Well played with fake call, well played.

I couldn't think of a better set up to the confrontation.
I just felt like it after seeing her do it once too often!

Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy View Post
I'm sorry it went south, but who would of thought your W would be dumb enought to start something and not expect the same thing to happen to her.
Maybe Uptown and Pidge can help me here, but she's not a big believer in a balanced relationship. She can stay out to all hours, but if I have to work past 8:00 pm, she gives me heck. She can talk for hours at the dinner table on her cell to friends and colleagues, but if I take an urgent call I had been waiting for, then I am some awful husband.

She has a "nobody controls me" but "I need to control you" type of attitude. Is this a common feature of BPD?

Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy View Post
Please do tell, what was her reaction when she saw that it was your own # on the own cell? Why in the hell would she immediately make a call to OM in front of you? please clarify.
She said that I had obviously deleted the number of the supposed other person. When I said, let's get the phone records, she said "I am not interested in phone records, I am talking about your conduct". Like, ????

She didn't make the Blackberry messenger texts in front of me, I went to take a shower, and came out early and heard the repeated pings late on a Friday night, so I knew it was him. I surprised her and pulled it out from her hand. Love notes, caught red-handed.

She does seem to think that she can get away with a lot, and I won't notice somehow. An air of superiority and invincibility somehow.
Berilo is offline  
post #114 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 12:14 PM
Member
 
joe kidd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,880
Re: Distressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Berilo View Post

She has a "nobody controls me" but "I need to control you" type of attitude. Is this a common feature of BPD?


Yes. Yes it is. You are put in "no win" situations. Whatever path you choose is wrong. Put up a fight, you are an a$$. Let her have her way, you don't care enough about her talk about things. Like Pidge says if she never becomes self aware there will always be problems.
joe kidd is offline  
post #115 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 12:18 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 10,713
Re: Distressed

Thanks, it makes sence " I'm super women I can do no wrong"

I quess you wont see any admission from this type of person, and as we all have read here at TAM, there has to be an admission to move forward in the M. So sorry bro, I don't see this marriage happening until .................wait she won't.

Sorry bro, I hope she gets help but prepare to protect your self with a divorce.

the guy is offline  
post #116 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 12:25 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 127
Re: Distressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Uptown View Post
Berilo, thanks for your latest update. That went amazingly WELL for a divorce announcement with a BPDer. She didn't have you arrested and neither of you was seriously hurt physically. I therefore am very happy for you that this stage of the divorce (i.e., the announcement and separation) is behind you.

I agree with Pidge that you did nothing wrong. On the contrary, you did so many things right. Having your W's temper tantrum recorded may prove useful in court because, as I've said, you won't be able to prove she has strong BPD traits by bringing in a psychologist. Like TheGuy, I sure would have liked to see the expression on her face when she realized you had only called yourself. That was icing on the cake! You did well, Berilo. Very very well!
Thanks, Uptown. I don't feel I did very well at all, given that this is a lose-lose situation, and I saw yet another very unattractive facet of my soon-to-be ex. I have never before been in a confrontation/argument where there is more than a few doors slammed, minor objects tossed, or dramatic (but not harmful) clasping or grabbing or pinning. Funny that after she smashed my cell phone, she tore it into bits. And she focused on my briefcase laptop to throw out of a high apartment window. And started to hit me, including with the tv remote.

A lot of pent-up anger and violence in a relatively petite woman. But no "we have a problem, we're both angry, let's sit down and talk about it".


Quote:
Originally Posted by Uptown View Post
Having your W's temper tantrum recorded may prove useful in court because, as I've said, you won't be able to prove she has strong BPD traits by bringing in a psychologist.
Actually, given the location of my VAR in my stuff, the sounds of her raving are punctuated by the equally loud sounds of zippers closing on 4 suitcases! It's quite a soundtrack!
Berilo is offline  
post #117 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 12:26 PM
Member
 
pidge70's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Missouri
Posts: 4,202
Re: Distressed

Unfortunately that control thing was very common with me. It is so encompassing. Even when everything was falling around me, as long as I was the cause of it...I was still in control. I know it makes absolutely no sense to a "normal" person. Hell, it makes no sense to me in hindsight.
Posted via Mobile Device
pidge70 is offline  
post #118 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 12:31 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 10,713
Re: Distressed

So the sound track sounds something like this;
" You son of ZIIIIIIIIP, how dare you ZIIIIIIIIP, I will ZIIIIIIIIIP, if you don't ZIIIIIIIIP the hell out of here" LOL

I hope my attempt of humor cheers you up, Make no mistake I am no making light of your pain, I've been there, just trying to do the impossible by making you feel a little better.
the guy is offline  
post #119 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 12:35 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 127
Re: Distressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy View Post
So the sound track sounds something like this;
" You son of ZIIIIIIIIP, how dare you ZIIIIIIIIP, I will ZIIIIIIIIIP, if you don't ZIIIIIIIIP the hell out of here" LOL

I hope my attempt of humor cheers you up, Make no mistake I am no making light of your pain, I've been there, just trying to do the impossible by making you feel a little better.
Yes, the soundtrack is almost that good!

Thanks, theguy, for the laughs -- I could use them! Yes, I thought it was amusing too when I heard it today.
Berilo is offline  
post #120 of 338 (permalink) Old 09-03-2011, 12:49 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 127
Re: Distressed

I should have mentioned that she didn't want me to leave, tried to get me back from the taxi curb. (Not begging, just saying what was I doing, with a threat that I can't come back if I leave.)

So, I thought, let me get this straight: you have just given me (additional) conclusive proof of your affair, you have smashed my cell phone, thrown my laptop out the window, and whacked me over the head with the tv remote. And you think I am going to stay? Why would ANYONE put up with that, if just to get themselves out of the situation for the night (let alone forever)?
Berilo is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Closed Thread

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
distressed and floundering - lost in uncertainty (long, apologies in advance) WantWhatsRight Considering Divorce or Separation 12 02-28-2012 07:25 PM
Confused and Distressed Short Stuff General Relationship Discussion 6 09-02-2011 12:02 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome