Will my past of being the victim of infidelity ruin my current relationship? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 08-05-2011, 08:05 PM Thread Starter
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Will my past of being the victim of infidelity ruin my current relationship?

I'm a 38 year old male who is in the ninth month of a relationship. I met my girlfriend on a political message board. She lived an hour away, and soon we were dating once a week and texting/e-mailing multiple times a day.

I haven't had the greatest of luck in the romance department. I was engaged when I was 21 to my first real girlfriend. She ended up cheating on me and ultimately dumping me.

When I was in my late 20's I ended up dating and Marrying "M". I had suspected she might be the type to cheat on me, but I thought that my love would "win her over". Yeah, I'm an idiot. Over the course of the first 5 years things seemed to be going well for the most part, but it turned out she was seeing an old boyfriend on the side when I was out of town on business. This discovery led to further discoveries.

Long story short, after a failed reconciliation we divorced 3 years ago.

Some of my problems have been the result of my having a passive aggressive personality. It sucks to have to admit this, but I've been relatively easy to "walk all over" and tend to date women who do just that. I never deserved to be cheated on, but I probably have brought on a lot of these problems with some poor dating choices to begin with, and not allowing myself to see the signs of trouble early on.

Anyway, to today......As I mentioned, I've been seeing "K" for 9 months. Here is the catch. She has a very good male friend, "J", that lives in the same town as her. They've known each other for a number of years, way before I came along.

Here is the thing....From what I can see, she isn't doing anything wrong here. She tells me when they are going to a movie, what project he helped her with, who he is dating, etc.

She's had me read her phone for text messages, keeps her Facebook logged in when she's using my computer, etc. I have never seen anything inappropriate or wrong.

But I am really bugged by this. I don't think I'm being fair, actually. But it drives me crazy every time I know they go to a movie or do anything.

She is an introvert and doesn't tend to make friends easily. She has a 12 year old son and is on disability after suffering a stroke a number of years ago after a "common" medical procedure. She's doing really well now, and is going back to school to get an art degree.

She is an artist and is absolutely beautiful in my eyes. So talented, and well read. I'm completely falling in love with her. I do actually think she is probably trustworthy, and is just friends with a guy who has helped her during tough times in the past.

I'm paranoid though.

Any advice on how I deal with this? It's not fair to take out my past problem on her. But I really have to admit that I wish she had only female friends. LOL

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 08-05-2011, 08:09 PM
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Re: Will my past of being the victim of infidelity ruin my current relationship?

Stop whatever you are doing and get into therapy.

I'm not even kidding. Yes, you will ruin all good things in your life.

Your "gut" feeling is damaged so you will be suspicious all the time.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 08-05-2011, 08:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Will my past of being the victim of infidelity ruin my current relationship?

I agree that_girl. I can really see this clearly for the first time that I'm going to sabotage this.

It felt really good just to write this tonight. Putting it in words really was cathartic. It's horrible, but now I can actually admit it.

Who knows what will actually happen with the 2 of us over the course of time. But she's so different from anyone else I've been with it really bothers me to think I'll ruin it. I can live with us not working out if we really try and it just naturally doesn't happen. But I can't live with self sabotage of this.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 08-06-2011, 08:59 AM
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Re: Will my past of being the victim of infidelity ruin my current relationship?

Whatever you decide---keep communicating with her face to face---talk about everything, and keep things opened up----it will help you to keep the relationship open, and help with any problems that do arise

You can't erase her past, and you can't just demand she drop her lifelong friends, if you do, eventually she is gonna see you as trying to control her

Your trust has been shot, and you just need to do the best you can, none of this is gonna be easy---hopefully your instincts will be right, and she will be the one you can walk into your golden years with
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