TDSC60

When a wife makes the decision to cheat ( and it is a choice that is made with eyes wide open) there is nothing you can do to stop it. This is not your fault in any way! Problems in a marriage can be addressed if both are willing. She was never willing to give you or your marriage a chance and actively went after other men.

Get your finances straight. Make sure she does not have access to your money. Get ready to cut all financial support. Talk to your attorney about what rights you have and what rights she has under the laws of your state. Protect yourself and your children.

Then pull the trigger and give her the freedom she has looked for without you and marriage.

Sorry you are in this mess. Stay strong for you and your children.

Walt

UPDATE:

Have appt. w/lawyer tomorrow.


@joe kidd, tdsc60, & Shaggy - thanks for the kind words.

Eli-Zor

Play hardball , being nice gets you nowhere
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Saffron

My H's Dad is still with the OW, they finally got married the year I met my husband (17 years ago). But I'm fairly sure my H's Dad has cheated on the OW at some point over the years. Two years ago they separated for about 6 months, but everything seems to be fine again. I don't see it as a blissful union, but now that they're "old" they're stuck with each other.

My H's Dad and Mom were not the best examples of fidelity in marriage. I guess they used to "swap" with neighbors, but I have no clue if this was before or during his Dad's affair with OW. To make matters worse, his Dad and Mom hooked up a few times after they started divorce proceedings. False reconciliation for the kids and his Dad essentially "cheating" on the OW, since she had no clue.

My H witnessed some really f'ed up behavior and poor role modeling through his parents, he totally remembers his Dad being an @hole to his Mom. After d-day my H finally could see that he was on the fast track to being like his Dad with me. Why some people can overcome their past and not relive it, while others seem to repeat history baffles me.

Anyway, one's past is not an excuse for cheating but at least shows where some attention can be paid during counseling. Childhood isues? Yes!

Walt, it seems you're being a strong and stable parent for your children which is what they need. In my H's situation he felt abandoned by both parensts. His Dad lived in another state with the OW and her son, while his Mom had to scrape together every month to make ends meet. My H would watch her cry over overdue bills and used his own money from a paper route to buy after school snacks. This will not be your children. You're being proactive in making sure they feel safe and secure, which is what they need most from you at this time.

Saffron

Another side note . . . when my H was having his affair he would tell the OW he could never leave me, because he didn't want to be like his Dad. Boggles the mind how a cheater's brain works. As long as he didn't leave his wife and children, my husband was "not like his Dad". Never mind that you're sleeping with another woman and being an @hole just like your Dad.

Sorry for the thread hijack!

Walt

Update:

Spoke with the atty. Paperwork underway. Advice was to keep quiet as long as I can so as not to trigger her defensive measures.

Walt

Update:

Back from vacation. Wasn't sure she was coming until the last day. She waffled and I told her it was OK with me that she didn't come. In the end she did. She didn't want to disappoint or explain to the kids....

I successfully avoided/deflected almost all relationship talk. Told her I was on vacation and that we could wait until we got back to talk.

As someone suggested, she was distracted most of the time texting OM3. It was very difficult not to take her phone and throw it into the ocean.

The upside was that I had virtually no interference from STBXW with regards to the kids. We played in the ocean, built sandcastles, etc. She sat on her deck chair, missing out on key moments. Hopefully, the kids will remember the trip fondly. I know I will treasure the time.

Since we returned, I filed for D. After the papers were filed w/ the court, I let her know. As soon as I gave her the papers, she started to cry. She said she was sorry and left the house quickly.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know I did my best. I know I couldn't stop her cheating. I know that D was inevitable.

My only regret is that she couldn't have acted in a more honorable way at the end. Her deceit will mar our co-parenting relationship for years to come. This (the deceit) hurts more than anything else.

I know I have a long way to go, but I feel like I've got my bearings and I'm heading in the best (only) direction I can.

Shaggy

So Walt are you going to expose her? Are you going to potentially post her on cheaterville?

At this point it's not about revenge since you've taken the best choice available and filed.

But I'm worried about the other families she's going to destroy as she burns through men. These other families need to be warned about her.

Walt

She'll be exposed to those who matter most - our family and friends. She has been afraid of this since D-Day #1.

I don't believe in cheaterville or public humiliation.

I'm trying to maintain my integrity and take the high road. I probably will expose OM3. Not sure about OM4.

Shaggy

The rate she is burning through men is scary. Clearly she's not in love with them as she is able to hop from one to another easily.

So is she having a mid life breakdown? Is she decided she wants to be the town fluzzie?

This behavior is going to burn her out, and it's going to set an awful example for this kids.

I say this because you should talk to your lawyer about it and things you can do to protect your children from the consequences of it too.

btw - does your wife also do any kind of drugs for fun? Is it possibly these guys she is with will expose your kids to that crap?

Walt

Probably some form of MLC. She's looking for validation anywhere she can find it. That's what the OMs have in common. They make her feel good/pretty/desirable/etc.

She doesn't do drugs. But some of her "new" friends smoke pot.

calif_hope

Expose them all! It's not a violation of honor or integrity. The public stockade and the scarlet letter had a purpose and a value......exposing OM 1 through ........ has the purpose of allowing those in their lives (family, co- workers, & etc.) information on their integrity and honor and to make an informed decision to enter into relations or distance themselves.

In my life I was leaning to promote an individual, found that he had affairs with two married women, I promoted an other and glad I did. The cheater did damage to our firm by lieing to clients on the cause of delayed work (a lier is a lier a cheater is a lier) ...... We mitigated the damage and kicked him to the curb....if he had been promoted he could have caused damage that we couldn't fix.
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Unsure in Seattle

It sounds like you've done the best you could with a very difficult situation. You're much stronger than you realize. Don't be so hard on yourself, and best of luck.

warlock07

Why not the OM4?

chapparal

Good luck Walt,I'm certain next Christmas and New Years will be a much happier time!

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