She is making an effort in the M. Just not 100%. Probably closer to 75%.
I'm not afraid to lose her. In fact, sometimes I'll look at her and think, "who are you and why the F do I still want to be with you?"
I think I really have two options:
1 - Be the H that she wants. Fill the needs that were missing. Prove that I can do it. Give her a reason to stick around.
2 - Pursue a D. See a lawyer, start making things uncomfortable financially.
Option 1 rewards bad behavior. But it may keep the M together.
Option 2 definitely ends it. As long as she is making an effort, I don't think I can go here. When effort ceases or a new OM appears, I'm out.
Is there a 3rd option?
As for the 180, I'm doing most of it. The hardest for me is the acting happy and content. I'm not. It's not easy to hide my feelings.
Thanks for your advice.
I don't see an option where she is accountable. I don't see mention of her boundaries or of her meeting your needs. So no Option #1 is not a marriage. Option # 1 by itself is you being a doormat. You may not mean it that way but I just don't see what she is bringing to the table.
[QUOTE=Entropy3000;410236]I don't see an option where she is accountable. I don't see mention of her boundaries or of her meeting your needs. So no Option #1 is not a marriage. Option # 1 by itself is you being a doormat. You may not mean it that way but I just don't see what she is bringing to the table.
/QUOTE]
Option 1 is a doormat option. She is not meeting my needs and that is a requirement for R. Thanks for keeping me honest Entropy.
My W has been more open and honest. NC has been established. W called OM2 to tell him. He actually dumped her before she could explain why she needed NC. He didn't want the drama!
NC with OM1. Although I know she still thinks about him.
We've been going to weekly MC and separate IC. In general we've been nicer, kinder and more considerate w/each other than in months.
However, today we hit a serious roadblock in MC. The MC asked what we wanted out of MC - were we looking to commit to the M or just deal with the issues so that we could end the M peacefully?
My response was that I needed to do what I could to try to repair the M. I didn't want to have regrets & (more importantly) I wanted to be able to tell my kids that Dad gave it 100%. I clearly stated that I don't know if R is possible, but I'm willing to try.
My W is still on the fence. She says she doesn't want to end the M, but she still feels this need to go out and get attention from other men. Her explanation is that she didn't have those experiences when younger and she needs them now.
Essentially, she wants to go out and be "single", yet still have me as a backup. Perhaps a limited separation, not a D. I've already told her and the MC that separation=D for me.
The MC said that most, if not all, M's could not handle what she is asking for. That she is highly unlikely to get me to agree to that (duh!). That she would eventually need to make a choice - find some other way to fill this need or risk losing me.
Either way, she has 1 foot in and 1 foot out. I think she is going ask for the separation. Not now, but in a few months.
Before you flame me or call her a *****, please help me with these questions.
1. For the WW - is normal to wavier on re-commit? It's been almost 3 weeks since D-day. Is this just withdrawal/confusion or something more?
2. Other than continue to state separation=D, what can I do? I implemented a pseudo 180, but I need to recommit to that. I'm working out more, lost weight, etc. W even commented on it. Told her I needed to get ready to date. I'm spending more quality time with my kids.
OMG. Wow. She is just casually asking that you agree to an open marriage. She wants you to support her though. So what she is saying is that she wishes for you to willingly be cuckolded.
This is way beyond waivering to re-commit. She is ok with humiliating you to the greatest degree a woman can do to a man.
I see the 180 as a prelude to finishing up the D. Doing the 180 does nothing that I can see to keep her from carrying out her plan to be single and yet have you support her. In fact it is what she wants.
She is making an effort in the M. Just not 100%. Probably closer to 75%.
I'm not afraid to lose her. In fact, sometimes I'll look at her and think, "who are you and why the F do I still want to be with you?"
I think I really have two options:
1 - Be the H that she wants. Fill the needs that were missing. Prove that I can do it. Give her a reason to stick around.
2 - Pursue a D. See a lawyer, start making things uncomfortable financially.
Option 1 rewards bad behavior. But it may keep the M together.
Option 2 definitely ends it. As long as she is making an effort, I don't think I can go here. When effort ceases or a new OM appears, I'm out.
Is there a 3rd option?
As for the 180, I'm doing most of it. The hardest for me is the acting happy and content. I'm not. It's not easy to hide my feelings.
Thanks for your advice.
I am not sure how you say she is 75% working on the marriage. This is only true if you are the 25% she wants out of the picture. She wants you economic support. She may or may not enjoy humiliating you. I cannot say, but that is what she is doing.
She is telling the truth about how she feels, but the truth is she wants other men and not you. Marriage to her is you supporting her in an open marriage.
I feel I am being cruel here. But you have given every effort.
Let her go.
If you ever want to have a chance at R, you have to let her go. Wat you are doing in putting up with this is making yourself less attractive to her and the OM more alluring.
I hear that she is on lockdown. I have no idea what that means for a SAHM if you are at work. But you cannot force a person to love you. You can only insiust that her behavior is not acceptable. She has even to the counselor stated she wants other men. She is encouraged and empowered by your fence sitting. She sees this as a weakness and an opportunity to exploit you further.
You have to carry through with letting her go to ever have a chance to R. BUT, that should not be the reason for doing this. You need to focus on preparing yourself to move on.
If you accept her behavior she will be more emboldened to behave more radically adn rub your face in it. She will expect you to pay for her affairs. Trips and so on.
Walt be careful with the 180 she will possibly see it as you having a hissyfit. Remember you need to project alpha not wounded sad beta Posted via Mobile Device
I don't see an option where she is accountable. I don't see mention of her boundaries or of her meeting your needs. So no Option #1 is not a marriage. Option # 1 by itself is you being a doormat. You may not mean it that way but I just don't see what she is bringing to the table.
/QUOTE]
Option 1 is a doormat option. She is not meeting my needs and that is a requirement for R. Thanks for keeping me honest Entropy.
Option 2 is coming on strong.
Walt, you know how much I hate to see this. You also know how much I wanted to see you able to get in front of this to stop it from going to a PA. She was just hell bent on smashing her vows. Very sad.
Start thinking about yourself. Be a good father for your children.
Walt be careful with the 180 she will possibly see it as you having a hissyfit. Remember you need to project alpha not wounded sad beta Posted via Mobile Device
My attitude is more "I need to get ready to move on" vs. I'm pissed at you.
Quick history -W had EA with OM1 (started 12 months ago, EA ended), makeout session with OM2 in August (NC with OM2).
Married 16 yrs, 3 kids under 11. We've been in MC since June.
She moved out for a trial separation for 1 month starting December 1.
Today is D-day #2. Just found out there has been two ONS (OM3 and OM4) since early November. She does not know that I know about them.
I'm going to file for D.
Here are my questions:
Should I confront now or hold my powder until I get the lawyer set up. I have an attorney, but won't be able to get anything going until probably Tuesday or Wednesday. I think I'd like to control the D process
We have a family trip scheduled leaving next Friday. It is non-refundable. I would hate to disappoint the kids who have been looking forward to the beach. I think I could hold my tongue until we get back prior to Xmas. Perhaps telling her I'm filing on Xmas would be some sort of justice.
Confront her , go on the break without her and let her experience what is going to happen in the future . Use this time without her to bond with your children. There is no nead for you to hold your tongue for her , she has no remorse nor does she care. Posted via Mobile Device
How dd you find out about 3 & 4? Where they random pick ups or actual relationships? Posted via Mobile Device
Saw her email.
OM3 is a random friend of a friend of a friend who lives out of state. She seeks validation from others and he gave it to her. OM3 will be back in town this week. I know she has plans to see him (don't forget she's living elsewhere this month). They've been sexting since Nov.
OM4 is someone she worked w/10+ yrs ago. Frankly, I'm shocked b/c he always was such a stand-up family guy. Guess not.
1Likes
Re: D-day: Today. Now what? 
He didn't want the drama!
. I'm spending more quality time with my kids.
