lordmayhem

montana16, you need to realize that you are in the initial shock/denial phase and you are in survival mode, wanting to try and save your marriage at all costs. Add that fact that you are deployed downrange, and this is all clouding your thinking. Because you're in the initial phase clouding your thinking, you want to be able to believe your wife had only a ONS. You want to believe she is hurting. You want to believe that you can work this out. You're especially emotionally vulnerable right now and feeling lonely and needy. I know, I've felt that feeling when I was deployed many times. At this point, all you want to do is get back home and make things right. You say you are confident your wife is telling you the truth, yet she was willing to break the trust of marriage and bang some OM behind your back while you are deployed downrange. See how cloudy your thinking is from the smog?

If you've deployed before, then you know that this will fade once you rotate back to the world. Once this cloudy thinking fades, then the anger about what she's done will hit you. You ask how to get the images of your wife having sex with another man out of your head (this is called the MIND MOVIES). The answer is that you can't. As your WWs belly grows from the pregnancy, this will be a huge trigger, a trigger that brings up those mind movies everyday. You will also realize that you can NEVER trust her when you deploy again, it will eat at you the whole time that you're deployed.

You have to accept the fact that your WW did not love you enough to stay faithful to you, just as my WW didn't love me enough to stay faithful to me. As the guy mentioned, there is the adoption path, since you are against abortion. Did you find out who the OM is? If he's military, then you know adultery is still punishable under the UCMJ and you can contact your commander and the JAG about this. In fact, see the legal office at your deployed location about this and see what your options are.

You don't want to hear this right now because you're in the smog, but you cannot believe a word that your WW is telling you right now. Cheaters lie. She only told you because she's pregnant and you are going to find out about it anyway. If she didn't get knocked up by the OM, she wouldn't have told you about the A. And please don't believe that it was just a single drunken ONS. Cheaters almost always engage in trickle truth, they will minimize what they have done.

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montana16

I've done a lot of research and am 99% certain that this was a one night stand. And I realize that I'm still in the shocked phase of everything, but my thinking is still pretty clear. I know that if i were there none of this would have happened. But i don't really have a say in where the military will take me. I'm getting out of the military very soon and am looking forward to getting through this together.

I can tell she is devastated over what she has done. I know that we have a lot of work cut out for us and am willing to give it a try. Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance? Cause I sure believe they do. I know that with time I can forgive her. I just need her to forgive herself so we can start the mending process.

Does anyone have any advice on how to revive a marriage after this huge setback? I told her that i don't want to get an abortion. I also told her that I might be willing to raise this child. Also shes not sure whos child this is considering that i just got off of leave. She'll know soon.

We've been talking about having a baby of our own for a while now and she got off of the pill not long after i left for iraq hoping that the effects would be gone by the time i got home on leave. I guess i already know the what my answer to these problems are, I'm just looking for some support I guess.

8yearscheating

The man is not back yet and does NOT need to be thinking about other possibilities like what else may have happened and is in no postion to make decisions about what should happen with the kid.

He needs to focus on the job he is facing and get back safely.

Montana - immense thanks for being there protecting our freedoms. Please ignore all of the insensitive crap being posted and focus on getting back in one piece. The details and dealing with it can happen when your back. For now, everytime those mind movies start playing try to do two things - one is get real busy and engrossed in something that forces you think about what your doing. Do not sit and think. Second, try to displace those thoughts with something you remember fondly about your wife - a great trip or a special time with her. People do make mistakes and it may very well be that it is just as she describes it. DOn't let your mind wander to all of the possibilities. Remember that everyone's situation is different and there are lot of people on here that were not just cheated on but unable to get their spouses to consider reconciling and working through it or were dragged through the mud because their spouses refused to give up the affair.

Take what your wife is telling you at face value until you are in front of her and can talk. Unfortunately the decision about the kid is entirely up to her so you will again have to wait until you are face to face to discuss it. Focus on not doing harm to her or you by accusations, getting angry or interrogations. You want her to be open and honest and all of those things will cause her shut down. In fact, as hard as it may be, thank ehr for being honest and ask she continue to do so no matter how painful it may be. DO NOT dig into the gory details, that only adds to the mind movies and triggers and is not worth nor what you need now or ever.

I know how hard it is to keep your mind from playing the movies in your head. While it might not seem possible, you are going through is a form of the PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome) that soldiers get from being in combat. Please don't be afraid to see a chaplain or base medical for some help.

One other thing to focus on and use to help keep your spirits up - this can all work out and things can be better in your marriage as a result. Your wife obviously knows she crossed over a serious boundary and is very remorseful which is a fantastic start on reconciling and healing for both of you. It will take time and work but it can get dramatically better for both of you. I'll use myself as an example. 27 years married. Wife cheated with 2 men 20 years ago then a "friend" of mine for 18 years. MY youngest daughter, is not biologically mine. In spite of all this we are reconciling and doing extremely well 8 months out from discovery. We are more in love now than we have been in many years. Those mind movies started to subside for me in about 2 months with help from counselor and marriage counselling. If you love her and i know you do, know that together as a team, the two of you can get through this.

Take care of yourself, focus on keeping yourself safe and coming back. Thanks again for the hard work your doing!

This man needs encouragement and help.

8yearscheating

On the support for reconciling, sugegst you check out website called beyondaffairs.com - click on the seminars tab then click on the word teleseminars. Listen to what you feel looks like it fits. There are also documents to read. The site is all about healing for you and your wife. I caution you to be careful on this site and ignore the negative bull about how could you trust her, shes a blankety blank, it'snot worth it, etc. etc. There are a lot of bitter people on here.

Jellybeans

Montana, my first thought is that maybe this was not a one-night stand.

Did she tell you who the other man is? Does she know him? see him? Still in contact?

I would have her do a paternity test if she decides to keep the baby. If it's not yours, I would be sure the biological father is responsible for child support, not you.

Thank you for your service. It's greatly appreciated

Locard

8yearscheating, it is not insenstive crap at all, but if you'd like, OP keep your head in the sandbox, so to speak.....

terrified

I am so so sorry.

lordmayhem

__________________
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
The Betrayed Spouse Script
Just Let Them Go

sweetpea

Posters,

Please review forum guidelines for TAM. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general...ead-first.html

#1. Please treat others with respect and dignity

#6 Be supportive of others and their desire to have happier, healthier relationships.

We can disagree with each other, but please be respectful with your comments.

Thank you!

terrified

I just wanted to add:

When I got pregnant with my daughter it was literally 'one time'. I know a lot of people will say it is SO unlikely it must be a lie but my husband was across the country from me. Came home for 1 night and we had sex 1 time and I was pregnant (reallllly not planned....lol). So it is totally possible to get pregnant from a one night stand.

I don't know if your wife is being honest about it being a one night stand or not but you are a good man with a lot of strength to believe her and love her unconditionally.

I am in no place to be giving advice yet as my entire life has recently been rocked by my husbands affair but if I could I would give it to you. Please be safe. 'Soldier on' until you can get home and deal with this as a team. You are in for the ride of your life I am sure but baby, no baby, one night stand or not; you will get through this.

Be safe.

Halien

I think you make a great point. There is also the aspect of this nearly exact situation being one that is happening to quite a few returning soldiers, though. One of my employees, a Lt. Colonel, just returned from a two year deployment in Iraq. Recently, he was telling me that this was one of the saddest parts of life in his unit. So many do not hear about anything wrong until she finds out that she is pregnant. To shield the identity of the one they were with, blackouts seem to be pretty common, according to my friend. Along with one-time only pregnancies.

michzz

As others have notes, thank you for your service protecting us with your sacrifice. None of us knows how high the price of it is but you and your fellow soldiers.

A couple of things stand out to me in your story.

1. The baby could be yours.

2. She volunteered some information about having cheated.

Those are huge positives! These are things that you can hang reconciliation upon.

That you are still deployed makes much of what you can do right now is a waiting game until you are eye to eye in the same room.

Yes, there are huge negatives floating about. Obviously, there is much she has not told you about what she has been doing in your absence. And there is the possibility that the child is not yours. And her tears now could be disingenuous.

But you know what? As overwhelming all of this is, you are not going to resolve this right now. Your own feelings, your current duties, not being in the same room with her, all those things make it so you have to focus on your immediate situation as much as possible.

Be wise about whether or not your wife has a cynicism about your marriage that you do not share. Be wise about personal failings. And most of all, protect yourself and what you will tolerate in your life.

8yearscheating

Great Post MichZZ

HurtinginTN

First of all, I join the others in thanking you for your service. I am a veteran of Desert Storm myself.

I have 3 kids, ages 8, 9, and 11. There is much more to being a father than who donated the sperm. Some have suggested to me that I have paternity tests on my children given the recent affair. However, those kids are mine regardless. I agree with you and your wife that abortion is not the way to go. I don't know if you have other kids or not. As 8 years mentioned, he is not the biological father of his youngest daughter. However, she is HIS daughter.

You are in somewhat of an advantage being out of the country. The initial anger may have time to pass before you come home to a face to face. I would go talk to your chaplain. It is possible, and hopeful, she is telling you the truth. Look around on here and find the chart breaking down the actions of someone who is truly remorseful.

I've said for months I would have rather my wife had a one night stand than a long-term emotional affair. Trust your gut. If your gut says she is telling the truth, go with it. Not your heart that wants to save your marriage no matter what. My heart led me to believe lots of garbage. My gut was always right.

Be safe. You have had time to talk to her several times apparently. Given that, I assume you are not on the front lines. Take care of yourself and try to take it one day at a time.

Entropy3000

I am a veteran myself and speak with nothing but compassion for this brother in arms. My gratitude for his service and sacrifice is beyond words. But certainly a heart felt thank you for sure. He is currently in harms way and indeed needs his wits about him.

In the service I had a number of sailors confiding in me because of my experience for guidance in these type of situtations. Mainly I was there to listen and keep thier spirits up. But this is all too common unfortunately. It tears me up.

So for now I will monitor this thread because frankly I care. That said he is in good hands with the guidance he needs now.