the guy

Montana,
My wife and I had the most unhealthy marriage imaginable, and after 19 years of BS we were able to pull our heads out of are @sses and make it work.

I'm talking about neglect,abuse, affairs, the works. So i'm here to tell you anything can happen, there is hope when the *both* of you put your minds to it.

We are both very happy now and celebrated our 20th anny.

HurtinginTN

Great point. My son was the same way. I was working at home at the time, so we were together all the time. With 2 kids in diapers, there wasn't much opportunity for any hanky panky. I think we only had sex once anytime in the given month. I was totally surprised when she showed me the pregnancy test. Once is all it takes.

golfergirl

My H worked shiftwork and I think we had sex once that month between his shifts, my job, our toddler and cold and flu season. Add that to me being 41 at the time - bingo bango sometimes it just takes once!
Best of luck Montana, get home safely and then sort this out. Everything is fixable.


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8yearscheating

We are all here for you Montana - eyes to the future. Make it home safe! Things will be just fine. Make it so!

8yearscheating

Just want to make on thing perfectly clear to you Montana - I am NOT affiliated in any way with beyondaffairs.com. I am not pushing their website or their services. I found a lot of good information there and it is one of the few resources I've found that focuses solely on healing.

montana16

I'm past the shock stage and am now coping with the fact that my wife was unfaithful. i really appreciate all the positive feedback on everything. My mind is starting to feel at ease and i'm starting to return to me normal daily routines. I still feel the edge of the dagger on the back side of my heart, but the feeling is slowly fading.

I've told my wife that i can forgive her for what she has done. I told her that i need her to stop beating herself up about it and to worry about the baby until i get home. I'm fully confident that my wife has told me the truth about everything, and am sure that in time if theres anything she left out she will tell me.

I'm on the last leg of my deployment and everything is really slowing down as in work wise. I've been keeping myself busy in my work and off work hours I read a book or talk to friends and family back home. I'm starting to feel like i have more confidence in myself and my marriage. She has already started counseling due to my request and am waiting to hear about how that is going.

I'm still heartbroken and i guess this is to be expected when something like this happens. I'm starting to feel more secure about raising this child as if it were mine, which it still could be. i'm just scared that the way i'm feeling right now may turn around and I have to start from the beginning again. Did this ever happen to any of you?

lordmayhem

Nope. My WW stayed faithful to me during all my deployments and didn't bang other men, even if she was depressed and lonely. She was more mature than that, at least I'll give her that credit. She didn't get pregnant by another man, and if she did, I wouldn't tolerate it. I'll be damned if I raise another man's kid, one who she cheated with.

How convenient is it that she doesn't know who the father is.

I guess the OM gets to get off scot free, getting away with banging your WW while you were deployed, while you pick up the tabs for raising his kid. If that's his kid, then he'll be back in your marriage. You may want to get counselling for yourself when you rotate back to the world for the mixed emotions and feelings that you're going to experience. You're not going to get rid of the mind movies just like that. And you will trigger, despite what you might think. You're right to be scared that you might feel different. This is just the start of the emotional roller coaster that you're going to ride on. Right now, you feel you can accept anything and work on anything to fix the marriage because you love her so much, you should fully expect to feel the opposite way soon. There's no stopping this. You can only sweep it under the rug for so long before it affects you.

__________________
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
The Betrayed Spouse Script
Just Let Them Go

8yearscheating

It's always up and down for the first couple of months. Same with your feelings about the baby. I made the decision in church one day that she was mine, I was her father and would continue to be so and there NEVER be anything said to her to the contrary, even after I was dead. The OM would never know anything. All I explained to my daughter and my other two were that I had a major falling out him and would kill him if he ever contacted me or any member of my family - he was scum. My wife agreed. My feelings for my wife were up and down for quite a while - reember the duration of what she did. My MC made a very wise suggestion to me - take a chance, she is committed to you...she loves you and wants only you. Let down your guard and love her like you have never been hurt. Define the boundaries you expect in any dealings with another male and she will follow them. FOr me that meant any unusual or out of bounds comments by another man were to be relayed to me. No girls night out unless it was with ehr sisters or someone she knew I could trust to keep her safe. There were restrictions but they were realistic. Keep your heart strong, don't focus on the past but the future and what you need to feel safe and secure with her. You can and will make it! Use the info I gave you anytime.

Whip Morgan

Montana,

I was deployed to that nightmare of a country, and saw some friends have serious marital issues. Its awful being so far away and not being able to "do anything". I would highly recommend, if you haven't already, speak to your front line supervisor about this. Chain of Command might be able to get you some more time to speak with the people back home.

I understand you might feel some people here are blowing this out of proportion. They're just trying to prepare you for the possibility that there is more to what she told you. If you read around stories here, you'll learn about "Trickle Truth" and how its used. Its certainly possible that this truly was only a ONS, but as often the case here, it was longer than that. Also, if she wasn't pregnant, its very possible she would have never told you.

These assumptions paint your wife in a very bad light. I get you don't want to do that. However, she betrayed you and broke her vows. Now there is child involved, which may not be yours. There are lots of Loyal Spouses in threads here that were in the same boat as you are now, and the nightmare of the Betrayed Spouses infidelity gets worse and worse. Prepare yourself mentally, for when you get home. Its possible that somehow, the distance between you two is serving as a buffer against the reality of her betrayal.

One thing you'll notice in these stories, as you read more and more, is almost the same pattern they follow. Initial discovery, lies, trickle truth, lies, trickle truth. Tip of the iceberg theme for sure. This does not mean that your wife didn't do it only once, ONS do happen. However, after being around this board for a while, you'll realize that there is more to it.

Do you have access to your unit chaplain? He may be able to help you if you need to talk.

8yearscheating

You'll have plenty of time to find out everything you want to know when you get back. Don't fret the details for now or question what you have been told. Face to face the two of you can work through whatever it was and like I said, mine was huge pile of doo and I'm making my way through it with my wife's support - so can you.

calif_hope

Montana, brother, thank you for your service.

I can't imangine the emotions you are going through right now, I admire you desire to forgive and reconcile and take this baby as yours.

During this emotional time I would heed the advise you find on thease pages - we have all seen the devil and are in different levels in our recovery. But we are moving towards healing, with or with out the family or loved one we once had or though we had.

My advise to you is to not be so quick to claim parternity. In most, if not all states the women's husband is the persumed father no matter what is placed on the birth certificate.

Talk to your unit's legal officer to get the ball rolling in protecting YOUR rights.

If the child's your, proved by DNA, thank God!

If the child's not yours by DNA and you have a court judgement say you are not father and IF you reconcile you can adopt the child later.

If you remain the persumtive father (and are not the biological father) and later your reconcilation falls apart (the odds are against you in success) - you will be on the hook for Child Support and Medical Insurance for someone elses child until they are 18 and in some states longer if they go to college.

A lot of this goes out the window if the ONS axx hxxx finds out and if he is the biological father - he could be part of your life for years to come - talk about triggers.

Get help from your unit's legal officer - I gotta tell you Montana, as a former JAG in the Naval Service - this happens a great deal and their are policies and procedures for cases just like this.......some commands even have self-help groups and counseling programs for servicemen raising a child that their wives conceived while they were deployed.

I worked with a young marine who was deployed for 8 months, no RR trips stateside home, when he got back his loving and devoted wife was four months pregnant. He wanted and tried to rebuild his marriage, was man enough to be in the deliverary room when the child was born. He found out three weeks after the birth that his wife was meeting up with the baby's biological father so he could visit his child and the sexual affair resumed.

He filed for divorce, she soon found out how much of a loser the OM was, her legal aid response demanded child support, and medical coverage - the Marine was ordered to pay child support for 18 months until the courts excluded him as the child' father.

She is on welfare, really no point trying to reclaim the money. Can't go after the biological dad as the welfare office has not taken him to court yet for a paternity judgment.

Talk to your support system, they can provide you with counseling and services to protect YOUR rights and those are the only rights you should always be concerned with, reconcilation or not.

Again, thank you for your service.

undecided

The same thing happened to me when I was deployed except she didnt get pregnant. I thought I could work it out and tried to. The images never left my head and I never trusted her. To top it off, she continued with her secrecy and sneakyness. We ended up divorcing and now I just wish I would have done it as soon as I got back and not wait. But hey, thats just me every one is different. To be honest, I dont know how YOU can do it with a kid involved. Everyone has their opinion but if it was me, I would walk away now. I believe in second chances, but damn. If you decide to try, which you have already indicated, I would suggest not communicating as much. The fact that we spoke everyday and I called home all the time put her in control. Be hard to reach, make her feel like she probably is going to lose you. Her knowing there will be no consequences for what she did is not going to make it better.

Atholk

I thought this was a one and done event.

How does she not know whose baby it is?

__________________
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is available to buy! Love, Sex, Nice Guys, Alpha, Beta, Dealing With Cheating, Oneitis, Sexless Marriages, Sex Rank, Body Agenda, Sexy Moves, Seduction Skills and more! 344 pages of high quality practical information. The MMSL Primer Book

cj9947

Montana16,
Thank you for your service to our Country. I do not always believe in my Country's decisions when it comes to war but I always believe in you service people and the important job you do. The physical distance between you and your wife must make it all the harder.

It terms of getting the "images" out of your head I would suggest you not torture yourself with it. With my wife's recent affair, I was able to remember that we are sexual beings by design, spouses are typically not virgins anymore when they marry, if a wife were to become a widow they continue with there sex lives after mourning the loss of a spouse and if she hadn't married me she would have had a sex life with another man/husband. I think the images are ego driven.

In terms of your wife, do not come to any conclusions until you get home. You really need to look her in the eye and talk with her. Like myself, you may be in for a shock to find out who you really married. The people on this message board and their advice have really helped me. They can help you too.


Take care of yourself.

8yearscheating

Great post CJ!