In September my wife of 9 years began an emotional affair with a man she knew in college. She found him on facebook. In short she began to chat, talk and text him and eventually met him in person (he lives in another state) as he was in our area on business.
I found out about the affair through snooping around. I was very emotional (both good and bad) about her affair as I love my wife very much and we have a 2 year old together. The first month after was complete hell. I was angry and sad at the same time. I just felt so betrayed as I have never nor would I ever cheat on my wife. My wife numerous times has said she has stopped talking to this other guy, but I find out each time that she hasn't. He is now in Iraq and continues to call her from Iraq to let her know how he is doing, even though she says she told him not to call her. He even had the gall to call our home number several times, once while I was home.
I am currently in counseling alone. It has now been 3 months and my wife has not shown any commitment to me or working on our marriage. She talked to this other guy as recently as last week. When I push the issue and ask her what she wants, she says she "doesn't want a divorce" and that "i don't know how she feels.". When I try to talk to her she won't talk to me. I honestly feel like she is playing me. She knows that I"m a soft hearted guy and that I care for her. She says that she doesn't want to hurt me but she continues to talk to him knowing how it makes me feel. She doesn't get help (counseling) nor does she try to even show me any type of commitment or love of any sort. I've tried everything from giving her space, to telling her how much I care, sending flowers, writing notes, everything to show her that I love her and want to help her.
She is a stay at home mom and seperation is difficult, so we are living in the same home together. My wife has told me that since our son has been born she has felt "alone". She also says to me that she is depressed. She doesn't sleep, has started chain smoking. and wants to go out and have some "freedom" with her friends. Since the affair started she has gone out with her friend drinking 3 times and not come home saying that her friend lives 45 minutes away and that for her to drive home after drinking wouldn't be safe. She also uncorked on me this weekend that she wants to go out New Year's Eve with her friend while I stay home with our son.
I just don't know what to do. I called my lawyer to discuss my legal options and divorce. I love my wife and family soo much but I just can't take it. Last night we were talking and my wife started to cry and say that she doesn't want a divorce and it makes me really sad, but I feel like she is just not trying and I don't know how long to wait for her to figure things out. I understand that my wife has felt alone since our son has been born. He has taken up a lot of our time and we really haven't had much time together since he has been born. But now after all of this has happened I'm trying even harder to connect with my wife, but no response.
I just feel upset, hurt, betrayed and with no progress after 3 months I just don't know how long to wait.
If she admits to you that she feels depressed and does not want a divorce, I would suggest individual counseling for her. Even if she's avoided that in the past, I'd try bringing it up again. She may be suffering post-partem depression and not even know it. Even if she is not interested in medication, just talking to someone about these feelings can really help.
She has gone to invidual counseling but after a couple sessions she told me that her counselor told her that "sometimes people just fall out of love" and basically that she needs to make a decision to move on. My counselor tells me the exact opposite that divorce should always be the last option and that people can work on things and get back what they lost.
Last night I had a 2 hour conversation with her. She tells me that there is no way her and the other guy could ever be together because he lives in Cleveland and we live in Pennsylvania. He has children and would never leave them, and she would never leave our son to live with him.
Yet, she told me last night that during their conversation he actually asked her to move out to Cleveland to be with him. My wife if very vunerable because she has been feeling down about our marriage for a while and never expressed to me how low she was feeling. Since our son was born he has really been the focus or our lives and we've not tended to our relationship enough.
My wife reached out to this other guy on facebook and he very early on in their conversations expressed his "love" for her and the ball has just kept rolling since.
I just don't know how much longer I can live in the same house with her knowing this is still going on. She says she is in love with this other guy, I just don't believe it. I think my wife is depressed and emotionally unbalanced right now. This is why it is hard for me to divorce because I feel that she really doesn't know what she's doing right now and will eventually realize it after it's too late. Seperation is impossible because she is a stay at home mom and honestly why should we seperate which would result in her being able to live out her fantasy with this other guy. I just don't think that is fair to me.
I've asked her to stop talking to him. She said that she would feel even more depressed and just thinking about it makes her feel sick. I told her that if she can't stop talking with him and focus on herself and then our marriage that I cannot continue to be with her and we certainly cannot live in the same house. I told her that although I still love her very much that I will contact my lawyer and begin divorce filings. Is this unreasonable? I just don't know what else to do. I've been going to counseling trying to figure out how to fix our situation, but I can't do it by myself and I certainly can't do it while she continues to be involved with another man. I seriously have tried everything, but it's been over 3 months. I've given her space, I've shown her that I care, I've tried to reason with her, I've offered counseling, my parents have offered support to her, nothing seems to work.
I'm just emotionally exhausted but it's just really hard because I love her so much. My wife and family mean everything to me and I just can't understand why she is doing this and can't see that her relationship with this other guy is not real.
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Re: Wife Continues Emortional Affair. Help.
Since your respective counselors are at loggerhead in their recommendations I would suggest joint counseling. I will say that for her to return to the marriage she must stop all contact with him. He is the aggressor in trying to get her to move to him. He is hijacking your marriage. Be firm with your wife but be supportive. If she absolutely refuses to end the relationship you should be prepared to end the marriage. Try reading “Love must be Tough” by Dobson. It can help you get your mind in the right frame to deal with the emotional aspects of this.
I have tried the joint counseling route and she just isn't receptive. She also told me last night that she doesn't think she can stop talking to him and doesn't want to.
I really just can't believe my wife would be soo blind to what is going on. My counselor believes she has Borderline Personality Disorder as well. She went with me one time to a counseling session and started to flip out becuase she said that my counselor and I were ganging up on her, which was not the case.
I've been reading "The Road Less Traveled" by Peck. I continue to go to individual counseling. Honestly though I am just destroyed by all of this. I'm really hurt by what has happened and I feel completely powerless as far as helping my wife. I know that at some point you have to throw in the towel and I guess I'm at that point. I just know that she is confused and is thinking emotionally rather than logically. She is also depressed and has started bad habits like smoking. She is just a complete mess and there is nothing I can do to help her because she refuses to want help.
I'm basically watching my marriage and someone I care for more than anything crumble in front of me and I cannot do anything to stop it. I know she has to help herself but it just hurts so bad to see this and know she is making the wrong decision.
sorry to hear all you are going through . About the only thing you can do to help her is be supportive and hope she comes around . My wife and i went through something similar and after I explained to her that i would not stand for "sharing" her
and we talked about what the future held if she continued her actions , she came around . Sometimes you have to let the one you love hit "bottom " so they can look up and realize how their actions are affecting everyone else.
I have tried the joint counseling route and she just isn't receptive. She also told me last night that she doesn't think she can stop talking to him and doesn't want to.
I really just can't believe my wife would be soo blind to what is going on.
Honestly though I am just destroyed by all of this. I'm really hurt by what has happened and I feel completely powerless as far as helping my wife. I know that at some point you have to throw in the towel and I guess I'm at that point. I just know that she is confused and is thinking emotionally rather than logically. She is just a complete mess and there is nothing I can do to help her because she refuses to want help.
I'm basically watching my marriage and someone I care for more than anything crumble in front of me and I cannot do anything to stop it. I know she has to help herself but it just hurts so bad to see this and know she is making the wrong decision.
Wow. Take out a few lines and that is exactly what I am feeling right now. I just wish there was something I could do other than stand back and wait.
I'll tell you what the biggest problem that I've realized. I posted this post because I am hurt because my wife started to talk to another person.
I was talking and emailing my wife yesterday and realized something. The other guy part is not the biggest problem I'm facing right now. I mean, yes it's hurtful and sucks, but the reality is that I'm not doing anything to really help the situation by (1) letting my wife have room to figure things out (2) focus on what caused her to talk to someone else rather than me (3) focus on what went wrong with our relationship.
I've been really emotional and I hope my wife understands that because she means everything to me and it hurts me because I should have been there for her and really I wasn't.
Trying to "lay down the law" or force my wife to do something isn't going to really make this situation any better. All I can do is try to be a better person to her. I can try to understand and listen when she is ready to talk. I haven't done that because I've been firing off all kinds of advice and commentary at her instead of just listening and trying to understand.
Maybe this doesn't make sense to many of you but I think when I originally posted I still wasn't being clear on what was going on, what my part was and so forth. I appreciate your responses but I think that in the end this is the best way to try and save our marriage.
I love my wife and I just need to let her try to work some of these issues out without having me destroy her every second with negative comments and blame. I'm part of the reason this has happened.
I'll tell you what the biggest problem that I've realized. I posted this post because I am hurt because my wife started to talk to another person.
I was talking and emailing my wife yesterday and realized something. The other guy part is not the biggest problem I'm facing right now. I mean, yes it's hurtful and sucks, but the reality is that I'm not doing anything to really help the situation by (1) letting my wife have room to figure things out (2) focus on what caused her to talk to someone else rather than me (3) focus on what went wrong with our relationship.
I love my wife and I just need to let her try to work some of these issues out without having me destroy her every second with negative comments and blame. I'm part of the reason this has happened.
okay, but for your plan to be effective, she really does need to start "no contact" with this guy.
If I force her to not contact him she will hate me more. I really don't believe my wife has any intentions with him. He is in Irag and lives in another state. If right now this is what she feels she needs then I can tell her that it hurts me and she has admitted that she thinks it is wrong. I can only show her respect and love. She ultimately must make the decision, not me.
I know this probably sounds crazy but I believe it's the right thing to do. My wife is lost right now and is definitely torn. I just have to do this because I love my wife.
I know I'm going to get the comments about being a pushover but I just now my wife and now the situation and I need to do this because I love her.
That's why I married her because I respect and love her and I feel that I have to do that now. I mean it hurts me because she talks to him but it hurts me more that she was unhappy and felt lonely and I was not there for her. That's what caused this to happen.
She has gone to individual counseling but after a couple sessions she told me that her counselor told her that "sometimes people just fall out of love" and basically that she needs to make a decision to move on.
her counselor is lazy, letting herself become "the path of least resistance." wonder what it's like taking someones money and giving that kind of advice? so does this counselor believe that the job is done after he/she gives her that advice. she should not have to pay that counselor one more penny.
draconis has a pretty good take on divorce. so does the bible. maybe i'm outta line with you mentioning either reference. if so, sorry. i'd sure like to see a counselor come on this forum and make that statement and put their name to it for this circumstance. just one. but they wouldn't. and won't. because it's crap.
Wife Continues Emortional Affair. Help. 
