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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-18-2008, 01:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default EA or just friends?

I'm new here. I can't believe I am here, either.

I have been married for almost 15 years, 4 kids. My wife just started working at a factory 3rd shift one year ago. We recently got rid of our home phone, and I got her a cell on my plan. I was shocked, after the first month she talked to a number 22 times, for over two hours. One morning she took a call, walked into the other room and talked softly. I called the number, it was a man.

He would always call when I wasn't around.

When I asked her about it, she said they were just friends. She had never mentioned his name before. I told her it was excessive, and that he may end up falling for her. He is single. She agreed. After 2 more weeks, she was still talking to him, but he would block the caller ID so it would show up as restricted. I again confronted her, about how it wasn't healthy or normal. It was then that she admitted he had a crush on her. And she knew this when I first confronted her, but never told me. She said she finally told him it needed to stop, but that she also had never seen him outside of work, and that it was not an affair.

Recently, she withdrew money from the bank, and I asked her what it was for, she said for a birthday gift. Suddenly, she was using only 1/3 the cell phone minutes as she usually had. I immediately thought she had bought a tracfone. The other night I found the box, and got the number. I called it (while she was sleeping, she works nights) and she answered. I am distressed that she keeps a secret phone under the pillow to take calls from him. I confronted her, she said she got it for the kids. I asked to see the call log, as I was sure it showed his number over and over. Plus she kept all this secret. I asked her about him last week, and she said she hadn't seen him in a long time, (although she was talking to him on the phone)

She says they are just friends, and that I am making too big of a deal about this. I try to make her realize that emotional affairs are exactly what she is in. I even told her she is confiding in him, and not me, and that isn't healthy for a marriage.

Please give me your thoughts. I have been extra patient, attentive, caring, and understanding lately, but she still deceives me. She doesn't see the harm it is doing to me.
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Old 11-18-2008, 01:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA or just friends?

This is most definitely and EA. She is in denial about how much TOM means to her. I suspect she is enjoying the attention of another and we all feel good when we get attention. She is being deceptive in this and has lied to you about it. She definitely knows this is wrong. The first thing to do is to determine what it is she gets from him she doesn’t feel she gets from you. It is time to address this issue before it takes the next step. Have you discussed counseling?
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Old 11-18-2008, 01:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA or just friends?

the issue here are the secrets. there are to many of them and they are escalating at a quick rate.
matters like this need firmness from yourself that you wont tolerate it.
sometimes the word ultimatum is required.
i agree with amplexor and her enjoying the attention.
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Old 11-18-2008, 08:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA or just friends?

I put up with two years of lies and secret phone calls and text.
Now my wife's "friend" who also was one of her best friends boy friend has become my wife's lover. The sex part has been going on for nearly a year, she has moved out after a 20 year marriage leaving me with the kids so she can be with her "friend".

My advice: A married person who is commited to their marriage sets boundries. The spouse shouldn't have to even ask. Secret phone calls are wrong. Secret meetings are wrong. If your wife is trying to keep it A SECRET she knows it's wrong.

I gave my wife to much freedom and look what happened. If your wife refuses to get counciling she has made her decision as to what's more important.

Are you prepared for what's ahead, I wasn't. I have no idea how you can save your marriage, I say try what you can to save it but prepare for the worst. I wish you sucess.

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Old 11-21-2008, 12:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Well, After confronting the subject more, My wife told me she feels nothing for me. She said she has feelings when she talks to him. But she refuses to acknowledge this is the problem. She said she knows it is not right.

We have been through much in the past, and made it through, but now she said she just doesn't know if she even loves me.

I told her it may be because she has found an "outlet" for emotional support with him.

We start seeing a therapist next week, but I am so torn up inside. The funny thing, is I have never been deeper in love with her, and her not being able to say she even loves me is so devastating.
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Old 11-21-2008, 06:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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She is sooo lucky that you're the one not giving up on her. I hope she see's that soon before you run out of patience and resources and give up on her. You see, I'm the one who had the EA and that's exactly what she is doing right now. She's in love with the fantasy this man provides that she's losing sight of her commitment with you. You said you've been in counseling? that's the first thing you need to find out, what's missing in your relationship? so you can start working on it.. that's if she cooperates. Good luck to you. I know the pain you're going through. I'm in a mess myself and hoping my darling husband would give me another chance.
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Old 04-17-2009, 01:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA or just friends? UPDATED

It has been many months since I first posted this. Much has happened since then.

My wife and I have been to therapy, I have gone to a shrink and also to our preacher for help. I have made much progress, even reconciling with her parents after 16 years!!

She still has no feelings for me. She has tried to stop talking to TOM twice, only to fall back in a relationship. Also went through her second "secret" cellphone. Deliberate lies about all that was going on also followed.

Now, All of our relatives are against what she is doing. Even her parents support me and the children, and say what she is doing is contrary to her marriage vows as well as her spiritual beliefs.

Just last week she said it was over again, and TOM said he wouldn't contact her again cause it was wrong. Yesterday they talked 3 times on the phone, and the text messages are numerous.

I have had enough. I love her, and have done all I can. I raise the 4 pretty much myself, as she has withdrawn from them also. But I think I need to tell her NO MORE CONTACT PERIOD OR I WILL FILE FOR DIVORCE.

I have tried all else, is this the time to deliver the ultimatum???
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Old 04-17-2009, 03:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA or just friends?

I am very sorry to hear your story. As a woman who has had numerous secret emotional affairs, I say it is very easy to fall for someone else who is not your husband. It does not need to be sexual or ever phoned or meet. The need to fulfill a missing part in my marriage was so strong, I felt I was lost in the fantasy of someone else loving me. It already sounds like your wife is far gone from you.
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Old 04-17-2009, 03:29 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA or just friends?

When all else fails the ultimatum maybe the last trump card. When you deliver it do it in a calm tone. Be logical with her in why you can’t go on in a relationship with her. Don’t lose your cool and don’t let it escalate into an argument. Congratulations on your improvements in your personal and family life. All is not lost, sometime it just takes the firm hand. Just be sure you are ready to back it up if refuses or fails. Good luck.
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Old 04-18-2009, 09:17 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I would file. You threatened. But until you do, she will think that she can manage you. Based on what you have said. I think it has gone physical. She has already left the family. I would also kick her out. In fact if your kids know, and her parents know. I would literally have an intervention. When everyone comes together and writes out whats in their hearts and she is made to listen to it. Yours should be last. Yours should be one of sorrow over her lost love for you. All other letters should be read without threats at the end. In your close, you give the ultimatum. Stop or its divorce and the kids will be staying with you. Then tell her to look at the faces of those who love her that have gathered around her. And think of the pain you are causing by committing adultery.
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Old 04-13-2012, 11:11 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA or just friends?

just the fact that she bought a phone is enough to call it an affair. If its not then why is it secret?
If she doesnt end it in tears asking for forgivness, you will end up here again crying for more advice on how do deal with divorce or murder of her man.
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Old 04-13-2012, 11:13 AM   #12 (permalink)
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yes file. It may end it but may fix her. Its 50/50 but it is time to do it.
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Old 04-13-2012, 11:21 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Zombies!!
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Old 04-13-2012, 01:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: EA or just friends?

Marriage counseling is a waste of money if she is still in contact with the OM. File for divorce and see if that knocks some sense into her. If it does not calmly ask her to pack her bags and leave. Expose the affair to her family and everyone you know. Make it as difficult for her as you can.
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Old 04-13-2012, 01:48 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Aw hell. Zombie. Damn. What ended up happening to this guy?
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