Need advice from wayward spouses?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-11-2011, 07:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Need advice from wayward spouses?

I have been on here before and told my story but here it is with a new twist. I'm married 9 yrs and I have been not a great husband(emotionally detached, self absorbed, etc.) my wife and I were always faithful. We always said if we cheated on each other, we cheated on our 4 yr old daughter. Well last winter my wife had a miscarriage and was deeply hurt because I wasn't sure if I wanted another child and acted that way. Since then there has been a lite distance throughout this spring. My wife left me 1 month ago and this is what happened in 2 1/2 weeks-- I moved out, she won't wear ring, she took down my pictures, changed her Facebook status, I had to get rid of dog we have had as a puppy. It is like everything in our existence she wants gone. She has said I love you but not I love with you. But there is already another man in picture ( separated from his wife 3 or 4 months). She has told white lies about him to me and her parents. She said she trhinks we should file for divorce and since then I know she has seen him multiple times. So either way the signs point to she is done with me for him. But hear is were it gets cloudy. She hasn't talked to me in a month and when she did she blames me and our whole marriage about how I was and details about this or that that was negative. I have made my mistakes and going to counseling to clear up issues from my childhood( abandonment, some abuse) and I am getting answers to be a better man and husband. But she hates me right now and says she wants to
Move on. But when I look back, my mother in law thinks she was having affair 3 or 4 months ago and we talked about things and signs are there that I was to blind to see. (a lot of work travel, some nights away on travel not even calling me or texting me, lack of sex for us and saying she was stressed from work. The guy who is in the picture also works with her(large corporation) and I starting to wonder why him and his wife separated. The bottom line is I have carried 100 percent guitlt but if I find out she was having affair, I can relieve some guilt and it can be on her. I can get s hold of other mans wife but to find out some things but want to tread lightly? Either way if she didn't have affair she is almost obviously leaving me now for him? What does anybody think?
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Old 08-11-2011, 07:35 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice from wayward spouses?

definitely expose and have a chat with the OM's wife
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Old 08-11-2011, 08:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Old 08-11-2011, 08:15 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice from wayward spouses?

RWB, I don't know why the other man is separated. Starting to wonder if maybe he left her. If I find out about affair, I can actually hold my head up a lot higher and know that she bailed on marriage and she chose to end it with her actions.. She always made me look her in the eye and say promise me you will never leave me. And I kept that promise and she bailed on it and her family. She can carry guilt.
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Old 08-11-2011, 08:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice from wayward spouses?

She may have been having an affair with him and she may not have been. Without concrete proof, all you have is suspicion. It's interesting that he is freshly separated and so is she. But again, without proof, nada. The new guy can't be in that great of a place if he is just fresh into a separation--he has a lot of baggage and emotional issues he is dealing with.

My advice is to move back home. It's your house too. Also, it may be considered "abandonment" of the marital home by a judge/court (usually it's seen this way).

Tell her you will do any/everything to correct things on your end and ask her what you can do for her/tell her what she can do for you. Tell her you're getting therapy for your issues and offer marriage counselling.

Understand that women need to feel close to their partner. If a man is disconnected and aloof during the relationship, it had a VERY adverse effect on his lady. There is nothing worse than a woman feeling disconnected from her partner. She WILL feel neglected and unappreciated. A lot of men don't seem to understand this. If she isn't receptive, you have to respect that as her decision. If you beg/pursue/plead, it WILL backfire. Also, a self-absorbed man gets old really fast and his lady will start to detach from him. It sounds like that is what happened with things on your end. My ex husband was this way and it went from me trying so hard to get through to him about how this made me feel to eventually not seeing any change his his behavior after I'd called him out on it to eventuallyr esentment building and me just not caring enough to try anymore.

Be cool, be confident, and don't let your emotions rule you when you talk to her.
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Old 08-11-2011, 08:47 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice from wayward spouses?

You have been demonized as justification for her A.

Take one last shot, and tell your wife---she can do as she pleases, and she can be with other man, or she can go NC with him immediately, and come home and the 2 of you can try to R., but no matter what, you will not stay in this 3some situation, also tell her she gives you her decision now, she does not get to sit on the fence, and decide when she wants, tell her you want an answer in one week, if she is not coming back, then you need to put all marital money in your account, cancel her CC's, and file for a divorce


Reality may hit her, at some point in time, she is gonna see that this guy ain't quite the wonderman she thought he was---she will want back in, but it will be to late for you will have moved on, stay tuff----do not weaken---you lose if you do.
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Old 08-11-2011, 08:54 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Hey Jellybean. You are exactly right. I have been distant and unavailable and I didn't put my wife first. The truth is, this guy represents everything I have not been. Meeting all her needs etc. And what I have read about infidelity, I know she found closeness and such elsewhere. From day one my world was crushed and I have been going through therapy and she knows but literally hates me rigt now. I was needy at first and reaching for her and trying to talk but it was pushing her farther away. The fact is, this guy she might end up being with or falling for. But it's out of my control. If she wants to sit down with a counselor in time and strip this down I will carry partial blame. But recently she won't even look at me, so I am officially doing 180 now and it is probably too late?
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:07 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice from wayward spouses?

Please keep in mind that the true purpose of the 180 is not to manipulate your wife to end her affair and recommit to to you, no the real purpose of the 180 degrees rules is to give you enough emotional strength so that you will be able to move on with your life with or without your wife.

I'd suggest that you read the first post in the thread titled Just Let Them Go. It also helps you to gain emotional strength by telling your wife that you will not be part of a one sided open marriage nor be her backup man in case things don't work out with the OM. I strongly suggest that you read that first post.
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Old 08-11-2011, 09:44 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice from wayward spouses?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jnj express View Post
You have been demonized as justification for her A.
If she even had an affair.

But I do agree that they can't reconcile/restore their marriage while this guy is in the picture. Doesn't work that way.

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Originally Posted by PERDAO View Post
Hey Jellybean. You are exactly right. I have been distant and unavailable and I didn't put my wife first. The truth is, this guy represents everything I have not been. Meeting all her needs etc.
Well yeah. Anyone looks good to her right now if you were distant/not putting her first and self-absorbed. That is a fact. As you know, the initial meeting of two people who like/enjoy eachother is short-lived. Both she and he aren't operating on a good foundation. They are both total messes due to the fallout of TWO marriages (and possibly children involved). So yes, he DOES seem good to her right now if you weren't meeting her needs. that is a fact. BUT, she she is still married and not rid of you which works to your advantage There is doubt for sure, on her end. No matter how tiny, it's there.

And you are correct--you have no power over whether they fall for eachother or not. You must let her know though that if you are to reconcile/restore your marriage, he has got to be out of the picture. That is a non-negotiable. You must mean it.

It's never too late for the 180. People should do 180s all the time, IMO. And like Mori said, the 180 isn't for her--it's for you. It can be something small. Go out, buy a new shirt in a nice color and wear it the next time you see her. This will automatically make her think you have moed in a new direction? Why? Because it's new clothes so she'll start thinking you're going a new way in new life. Sounds odd but trust me, it's not. She WILL think about it this way.

Can you send her flowers with a note?
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Old 08-11-2011, 10:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Need advice from wayward spouses?

Everything does point an A under your nose the whole time.

A couple of things:
Her A is doomed to failure. There’s a good chance the OM may end up going back to his W in a few months and pretty much all (over 90%) of A relationships die within 2 years (80% within the first year if I remember correctly). There’s no future with her and the OM but it may take another 3 months for things to start falling apart. The fantasy will die when the reality doesn’t live up to it and she realizes he’s just another guy.

Also, move forward with the divorce like you want it yourself and cut her out of your life. If she thinks you still want her she will use you as a crutch.

Don’t bother doing anything nice to her. She is cheating and it would make you look pathetic rewarding her for cheating. You have to stand up for yourself as this was NOT your fault. Once you realize it’s all on her you can move to the anger stage and use that to motivate you to go NC until she comes crawling back because she realized she made a mistake leaving you and takes responsibility for the affair.

For today, think about you and stay away from her. This won’t be over anytime soon.
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