You have been demonized as justification for her A.
If she even had an affair.
But I do agree that they can't reconcile/restore their marriage while this guy is in the picture. Doesn't work that way.
Hey Jellybean. You are exactly right. I have been distant and unavailable and I didn't put my wife first. The truth is, this guy represents everything I have not been. Meeting all her needs etc.
Well yeah. Anyone looks good to her right now if you were distant/not putting her first and self-absorbed. That is a fact. As you know, the initial meeting of two people who like/enjoy eachother is short-lived. Both she and he aren't operating on a good foundation. They are both total messes due to the fallout of TWO marriages (and possibly children involved). So yes, he DOES seem good to her right now if you weren't meeting her needs. that is a fact. BUT, she she is still married and not rid of you which works to your advantage
There is doubt for sure, on her end. No matter how tiny, it's there.
And you are correct--you have no power over whether they fall for eachother or not. You must let her know though that if you are to reconcile/restore your marriage, he has got to be out of the picture. That is a non-negotiable. You must mean it.
It's never too late for the 180. People should do 180s all the time, IMO. And like Mori said, the 180 isn't for her--it's for you. It can be something small. Go out, buy a new shirt in a nice color and wear it the next time you see her. This will automatically make her think you have moed in a new direction? Why? Because it's new clothes so she'll start thinking you're going a new way in new life. Sounds odd but trust me, it's not. She WILL think about it this way.
Can you send her flowers with a note?