go home nd never return without giving him a clue?????
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-12-2011, 12:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default go home nd never return without giving him a clue?????

im so confused
on: Today at 02:23:01 AM
my husband and i are married for 2 1/2 years now,he is european and im an asian,we have 18mos old adorable daughter and we are currently living in the middle east.he is an engineer and i am a housewife.he is 32 and i am 30.

we have just had our 3 week holiday last month,we toured around europe.from his home country to barcelona.

it was the first time i met his family and friends.prior to meeting up with his friends,he told me that 2 of his xgirlfriends will be there as they belong to one group.i got along with all of them very well.we stayed in his homecountry for 5 days and continued our holiday in barcelona,france and italy.

in italy, he told me that we will meet up with his "friend" and her kid,which will aslo celebrate his 8th birthday.on the evening that we met them,as soon as my husband introduced me to her,i felt odd.ive seen the girl and the kid on my husbands computer,and i remembered a year ago,he told me about an x girlfriend living in italy with a kid and was divorcing her husband,before he met me.that night i did not eat,i drank 3 bots of beer and smoked alot,it was an uncomfortable feeling especially because they were talking with their native language,although my husband excuse their conversation by telling me that he will speak english,if something concerns me.the girl doesn't speak english that much.after drinking i got hiccups as i am not used to drink alot.on our way home,my husband asked me why did i drink and did not eat.i told him i am not hungry.then silence.he asked me why was i quite,and i blurted out "she was your xgf right?",he got mad right away and shouted at asked me to stop my hiccups and i cant cuz its uncontrollable(and that i guess somehow,triggered his behavior or i dont know),then there was an arguement.he was shouting at me and told me that he'll get bak at her and blah blah.i removed my seatbelt and act as if gonna jump off the car while it was moving,but i was thinking to get off the car when we reached the stop light,becuz i dont want to argue with him,but what he did was he pulled me and spank me on my face,i was surprised and just cried and asked how in the world can he do it.he was still shouting and told me that i am making his life hard,that we need a break,when we got to our hotel room he was silent,he lay down on the other side of the bed and he was just looking at me,i asked him if he still love her after seeing her,and he said no,i asked him if he loves me and he said "no",i asked him "why are we together?,he just simply said "we need eachother."my eyes and lips got a bit swollen and it disappear the next day,i dont know how but it just simply disappeared.

the next day,it was the kids birthday.we went there and acted as if nothing happened.we stayed until the party ended.and again the next day,morning,my husband told me that we will go at their place just to bid goodbye,and it was ok with me.

so we went on to our journey,went back to barcelona,at one point,while in the elevator in our hotel he was just staring at me and i jokingly told him "what?are you inlove again?" he answered "no".i would always make that joke to him whenever he stares at me and all the time he will answer back "im always inlove with you",but that time the answer was different.and i told him "ur answer now is no,after seeing her" i shrug it off.while driving,he said "honey,please stop these things with my xgf,she is my past and my friend,i will not go back to her as she cheated on me,with my bestfriend.i now consider her a normal friend.and you know i have good communication and relationship with all of my x's after all.i hate your weakness,u are ugly when u r jealous,you dont trust your self,and i really hate my self for hitting you,i will do everything to never do it again,its just not me",somehow those words that he uttered made me feel secured.we went back to being sweet again with eachother like nothing happened.and now we are back in the mid east.

come yesterday,husband forgot to sign off his yahoo messenger,i despise myself for doing this,i went through his chat archive with that girl.i needed to use google translator to atleast get the idea of what they were talking about.at one part of the conversation in april the girl asked "are you still in that tunnel?" my husbands response was "it is hard to leave when there is a child" ,some parts the girl said "im longing,i miss you and im hugging you tight right now.","come here in italy,just you and ur baby,and send me alot of photos of ur baby and yourself"i felt cold. tho,ive seend my husbands reply was not that sweet,but he cares alot to that girl.

now,my husband is treating me the same way as before,he is still sweet and we planned on what were gonna do the next months.im going to my homecountry this aug 22nd.i dont know what to feel right now.its so cold inside.that somehow my husband felt it.i stopped wearing my wedding ring,and he was bragging about me acting like a single woman,when i get home.i lost the meaning of the wedding ring,our marriage and our relationship.i want to get out.i dunno if it was the difference in culture that we have or the language.

at the moment,he acts as a good father and a good husband to me,as if nothing has changed.but something has changed in me.i lost my trust,respect and love for him.i want to leave him but i feel sad for my daughter.he loves my daughter soo much,i am thinking now,that after going home he will not hear anything about me anymore.or was it unfair?im also thinking that he is trying his best to make this marriage work.or was it just me?i feel so betrayed.i am lost,i dont know what to do. i feel that he is with me physically but emotionally he is somewhere else.
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Old 08-12-2011, 01:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: go home nd never return without giving him a clue?????

Your husband is an abusive cheater.

You behaved that way because he is making you jealous through his actions.

A married man has no business being friends with ex GF's and no business visiting them on vacation. he can twist it any way he wants, but if you love someone, you don't hurt them, nor put them into the position of being defensive and jealous.

If you are untrusting, it's because he is not behaving in a trustworthy manner. So that is his fault.

If your behaviour is ugly, it is in reaction to his hideously ugly behaviour, which is far worse then yours.


I would tell him what your relationship boundaries are

Things like
-Being open and honest with all email and phone and face book etc communication (meaning you both can see each others at ANY time.
- No close friendships with the opposite sex
-Absolutely no friends with ex's
- No flirting


Tell him it's not negotiable and you deserve no less then 100% commitment, and honesty from him. If he doesn't agree you know where you stand.

Also I would insist on counseling, he has been physically abusive.

He needs to be showing you every day what he is doing to improve himself as man, what he will do so he does not repeat his mistakes. He needs to take responsibility for his actions- this is key, if he doesn't take responsibility for hitting you and flirting and at the very least having an Emotional affair and isn't totally honest, your marriage will eventually end.
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Old 08-12-2011, 01:39 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: go home nd never return without giving him a clue?????

You husband struck you and has shown willingness to use violence , his behaviour, his cheating is demeaning and controlling. Pack up take your child and leave. Get out of the marriage use adultery and physical abuse as the reason. Make sure your child stays with you. Go to your family be sure that he cannot claim you are abducting your child.

The moment he chose to strike you is the moment the marriage ended.
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Old 08-12-2011, 03:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: go home nd never return without giving him a clue?????

@syrum: my husband i would say is somewhat secretive.lastnight,i was just looking at his face and i cried,i told him how i feel,but he didnt say a word,i gave him a hint that i want out on this relationship,but he kept on telling me about our plans,those plans that we have were erased on my mind now,i now more think of my future and my daugther's.the reason why im going home is im going to get a job to get him out here in the mid east,as he hates it here already,the weather the job and all.but i am thinking that as soon as i get a job i will not contact him anymore,but will it be unfair?becuz since i dont have money on my own he will finance everything.it will be too unfair but im thinking to pay him back after i settled with a job. i feel i still love him,but i am this close to let it go.i am not happy.i dont know if he also has a plan to get away from me,but i dont care tho it will hurt me nd r daughter.life is hard at the moment.but im positive it will be ok after sometime.

@eli-zor: you were so right!my previous relationships was physically abusive as well.i dont know why i meet guys like this or sometimes im thinking was it me?i dont know.the moment when my husband spank me,i lost my respect for him as i did with the previous relationship i had.i thought if he did it once he will do it again,maybe after a year or two.im so lost now,im thinking about r daughter,its sad.
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Old 08-12-2011, 08:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: go home nd never return without giving him a clue?????

Quote:
Originally Posted by kenken View Post
@syrum: my husband i would say is somewhat secretive.lastnight,i was just looking at his face and i cried,i told him how i feel,but he didnt say a word,i gave him a hint that i want out on this relationship,but he kept on telling me about our plans,those plans that we have were erased on my mind now,i now more think of my future and my daugther's.the reason why im going home is im going to get a job to get him out here in the mid east,as he hates it here already,the weather the job and all.but i am thinking that as soon as i get a job i will not contact him anymore,but will it be unfair?becuz since i dont have money on my own he will finance everything.it will be too unfair but im thinking to pay him back after i settled with a job. i feel i still love him,but i am this close to let it go.i am not happy.i dont know if he also has a plan to get away from me,but i dont care tho it will hurt me nd r daughter.life is hard at the moment.but im positive it will be ok after sometime.

@eli-zor: you were so right!my previous relationships was physically abusive as well.i dont know why i meet guys like this or sometimes im thinking was it me?i dont know.the moment when my husband spank me,i lost my respect for him as i did with the previous relationship i had.i thought if he did it once he will do it again,maybe after a year or two.im so lost now,im thinking about r daughter,its sad.
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First and far more important than anything that I can or anyone else will say : IT IS NOT YOU, YOU DID NOTHING FOR HIM TO HIT YOU. IT WAS ALL HIM AND HE HAD NOT RIGHT. Never ever think that you are the problem when a man becomes abusive it is his weakness as a man not real man would ever put there hands on a woman.
From what you wrote it seems that your husband is only there for your daughter and not really workig on the relationship because he would have stopped contact with this woman. If what you feel is to go away and get yourself together than do so. Still allow him to speak with and be a part of his childs life. Takeing her away from him and he never seeing or having any contact with her would be wrong. I know he is wrong in everything he is doing but she has a right to know her father and he to know her. But you don't owe him anything futher than than. Do what is best fot you and your child and good luck to you.
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Old 08-12-2011, 08:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: go home nd never return without giving him a clue?????

Physical violence is unacceptable and a deal breaker. Try to locate some shelter for battered women in your area to assist you in helping you and your child get out.

Domestic violence doesn't stop until the victim gets away from the abuser and/or the abuser is arrested and forced into a program to control his violent impulses.

It doesn't mater if its a man or a woman, domestic violence is never justifiable.
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Old 08-12-2011, 01:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: go home nd never return without giving him a clue?????

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Originally Posted by morituri View Post
Physical violence is unacceptable and a deal breaker. Try to locate some shelter for battered women in your area to assist you in helping you and your child get out.

Domestic violence doesn't stop until the victim gets away from the abuser and/or the abuser is arrested and forced into a program to control his violent impulses.

It doesn't mater if its a man or a woman, domestic violence is never justifiable.

Or someone dies. Sadly I have seen this before and just recently (this month) within this city.
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Old 08-12-2011, 05:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: go home nd never return without giving him a clue?????

hi all!my H and i talked tonight,i told him everythng i feel,ahe explained to me alot of things..i told him i want out of his relationships the night he hit me....but asthe conversation goes,it seemed that i havw alot of mistakes,again its my fault. regarding the x,i have asked if would it be too much to ask if he stop communicating with her in any kind of way..he paused for awhile and said "it is something but yeah ofcourse i can do that" and then after a while he told me that he made a promise to the son of the xgf that he will be there to watch his final football game,and i was like "wtf!are you his father?ur just one of the guys his mother is ****ing,why would you care?" and he said he just wants to keep his promise...crap! then afterwards he told me "and then what?what's the next thing ru gonna ask me to do?give u my phone for u to check?or ask mypasswords to my email?there s something wrong with you,you are crazy" ....was i crazy?all i can think of was that " he doesnt know what commitment means"
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Old 08-12-2011, 05:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: go home nd never return without giving him a clue?????

It's NOT YOUR FAULT, don't let this bastard trick you into believing you deserved being hit. You didn't do anything, but ask, like a normal wife about his whereabouts. I see nothing wrong in what you've done and you surely didn't deserve getting yelled at or even hit.

He doesn't have any obligations towards anyone but his family: YOU AND THE KID. If he can't break loose from the ex, then you should consider getting out of this relationship. How can he make plans when he can't control himself and can't be committed to this wife? Come on. ..
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Old 08-14-2011, 12:09 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: go home nd never return without giving him a clue?????

H and I talked last night,i made a very loooong letter for him,i thought maybe in that way he would understand what i really feel,and he said "now i understand and its more clearer"..i felt the culture and the language is tearing us apart. the letter consist of starting all over again,i apologise for spying or acting like a detective and and i said thank you for everything,now i felt like im a victim,why does it always have to be me to understand?to say sorry,tho he knows that he also did mistakes,i never hear him say sorry...i know i have to leave not becuz of i spyed or anything,but becuz i cannot forget the night he hit me.ive told my sister (my bestfriend) about what really happend she thinks that i provoked him to hit me,but she also told me that her husband,no matter how mad he was he never hit her and that the decision is all up to me.i dont have a job as he doesnt want me to work here.i know i still feel i love him but whenever i think of his behavior im losing everything,i feel sad for our daughter.she's a very happy and strong baby.

this morning H i was already awake and pretending to be sleeping but didnt have the courage to get up as H was preparing to go to work,he kissed me goodbye,just when i thought he was gone i got up,and was surprised that he was still there i uttered "oh i thought u were gone" and he said "ahh thats why u got up" and then he left...will i consider going home a break for the two of us or goodbye?to be honest it is hard for me say goodbye,i want to go on and do everything to make our plans come true.im just so stupid maybe.

do i need to tell this to my mother?im afraid that i will break her heart,cuz they have developed high expectations from my husband and they find him calm and nice,but i believe that she will support me all the way with whatever plan i make for me and my daughter.
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