I did not contact the OW or her mother. He is swearing they don't contact each other now, but then why the secret email accounts. He does not know that I know about them, but I am ready to just stop giving him the chance to come clean and out him.
My IC said that she thinks he is trying to get me to say what I know, so that he does not confess to something I don't know. And maybe I should not reveal my hand.
If I contact the OW, she will think I am the crazy lady he described I am sure. She has no clue that I am dedicated to him and his freaken' career in the military and I am actually a senior advisor for family readiness in his unit!! He probably told her how I try to control his friends and "hacked" his FB which makes me terrible somehow. W/e. If he had nothing to hide he would not be getting mad.
I finally told him today that I am not going to be in a marriage where he is with holding affection because he has a foot in the door somewhere else. He is sticking to his story that she was just his friend and was helping him through a rough time. She had just recently divorced. I can see how helpful that is. Umm, how about talking to ME! Or the chaplain. He said he was so upset he could not talk to me. The chaplain would have represented something holy- who wants that in the middle of an A.
There is no way I have ever known my male co-workers parents...or emailed them daily! Sick. He is still in the fog and can't see clear. I hope when the fog lifts there is not a 20 car pile up. He has created so much chaos, but can't see a bit of it.
He should know that everyone that was talking about this in his office....they look at him different. Sad and disturbing. I am ready to move on. I don't even need to contact the OW, she can have this mess.
So we talked yesterday and of course he got mad....sad that I am "baiting" him and that if I had something to say to just say it. That this was the reason why he was thinking we could not work it out....because I am "holding this over" his head. Ok. My question, because this is his stance. Although he still denies an A, he says "at that time, I was committed to my decision to divorce you. I needed someone to talk to and she is my friend."
So my question, is that something I should learn to let go of. Since he asked for a seperation (not my problem he never filed any paperwork or did anything legal to make it so)...he was deployed (and still is) and maybe thought he could just get away with it????
I guess theoretically IF I had done something (which I did not of course) but IF I had, then he would have to overlook it and not hold it over me?
Anyone ever encounter this? If it had been a legal seperation, is still considered an A. I am committed to R, however the images of him talking to her and emotionally abusing me at the same time haunt me. I know with time ....and when he is home with me, I can heal from this. I do consider myself very forgiving- or believe me with all he said to me, I WOULD be LONG gone.
I would just like some others perspectives on this.
No one can tell you what to do though many will try. If your not sure he did anything - put yourself in his shoes. Yes he did something wrong talking to another woman about his problems when he should have been working with you on them. But IF there is no proof he cheated and you were in shoes how would you react. Follow your gut AND your heart. Don't make rash decisions until you can talk face to face.
Irrelevant. The point is this "friendship" makes you uncomfortable and he should respect you enough to cut contact with her.
I agree Jellybeans....he won't budge on this. He said that I am acting jealous because I am believing a stranger who sent an anonymous email and not believing him. He says that he can have his own friends and that he is not talking to her as much as I seem to think he is. WTH????
I am very uncomfortable because I know more than he thinks I do (that he was in touch with her family and emailing her mom daily...omg that is just weird. it sounded like a high school girl introducing her new boyfriend) He sent her mom pictures of himself, so she could put a face to his name. He came up with a nickname because she could not call him by his first name...that it is the same as her ex husband. So he created this other identity.
I think his heart is with me, but for some reason he can't shake the fog. I know that me with holding on email communication is helping, because he is starting to reach out to me. It used to be that I would email him and now I don't send anything. He asked me to send a care package of home made cookies for him and the troops....I told him I would like to, but I have just got so much going on (with our 3 kids and my full time job- not to mention holding down the house while he is deployed).
Avoiding discussing it will not make it better but he refuses to speak to a MC or even IC. I have been seeing an IC and our chaplain since February. I feel content with whatever the outcome, this will haunt him forever.
I did not want to start a new thread but I may need to in order to get some advice.
OK, I have interviewed for a job...in another state. I am basically being offered the job, but I will need to relocate with the children before he returns from deployment. Knowing what I know and not being ashamed to publically call him out on it- I am not worried about what people will think about me leaving while he is deployed.
The things I am thinking about are about R. He basically calls and acts as if nothing is wrong. Like I am all gung ho to move to the next duty station with him (which is supposedly overseas) and just never bring the situation up. I am not supposed to point out any of his faults since it is my fault all of this happened (because I snooped in his FB). W/e.
I am committed to my marriage and my family, but he continues to lie about the A. He won't acknowledge what happened and he will not end contact with her. She is stationed overseas right now (different country from where we are supposed to go). But he says they are friends and I cannot control him or tell him who he can talk to.
He says that he is different now and that we don't have to have the same friends and he can have his own private email. (he does not know that I know about his 2 secret accounts) I can log into them anytime I want, I know the answers to the secret questions (so dumb--after 15 years there is not a question that I can't answer about him). At this point, him thinking I am dumb is working to my benefit.
My question....what is it with WS and their need for "control?" Really in the midst of the fog and the A, aren't they completely out of control!? After it is all over, don't they see the path of destruction they created with all their control? Wow.
This is what he is doing to you, trying to make you think that you are the crazy one. Trying to take the focus off of himself, making you doubt what you already know is true. He is also blameshifting, trying to make it seem like it's your fault. It's manipulative and cruel. Don't buy into it, trust your gut.
Be strong, be brave, you know the truth in spite of his claims to the contrary.
Thank you southern....I appreciate that. I know he is trying to hide stuff from me. It is driving me crazy, which is what he wants. He is trying to use the kids too. Making them excited about this assignment to move overseas (since that is where we were so happy when we were there before). He called and told them we were moving there, but did not discuss it with me. Actually we had gone 3 days without talking because he had gotten mad at me for looking at his email. He wants me to just forgive him, but apparently to him...I am not forgivable? I asked him that straight out. Told him that he did have an EA and that giving his attention to someone other than his wife was wrong. He did say that I was right, but still got mad when I said that his "relationship" with her had gone too far. He is sticking to the lie and won't admit to any more than I have said I know. I won't give up all that I know just yet. I am holding back because I know that with him in Iraq we should wait to address the other issues when he is back.
Irrelevant. The point is this "friendship" makes you uncomfortable and he should respect you enough to cut contact with her.
Jellybeans.....you are absolutely right. Although it took me a while to finally see this situation for what it really is- he is cake eating for sure. He withholds affection from me, yes he is still deployed but he does not send sweet messages like he used to before the A, is not doing ANY of the heavy lifting and is actually doing the opposite!! In an attempt to prove a point (that he can have who ever he wants as friends....WTH??)- he is actually throwing this new "friends" name around and makes it perfectly clear it is a girl (she is 24 and he is 36-omg, give me a break)
So I finally got the hit upside the head I needed and exposed it to his command! I feel amazing and such a relief. Crazy thing- she already knew something was going on, BUT did not start an official investigation because I had not filed a complaint. Hmmm. So now that they have all the evidence that I have, game on. Sad as it is, he made the choice and I am allowing him to have what he chose.
newlife, I just caught up on this thread and am glad to read that you exposed this, I think whether or not you could offer reconciliation you were right to do this. One thing that helped me with my choices was this Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights someone once posted here. Exposing this adultery to his CO may end his career but his marriage should have been a higher priority and he was simply using his deployment as a cover for his immoral behavior.
I know it seems so crazy that your spouse can lie and almost so convingly even in the face of hard evidence. My WW had me believing for a little while that her PA wasn't even adultery... I can still see that SHE is actually somehow convinced it wasn't, but it is the textbook definition - but she somehow was justified because she was "checked out", just as your H tried arguing that at the time he was committed to his decision to divorce you - like that is supposed to be some reasonable justification??
That is affair fog speak, and it hurts to see your spouse lying to themselves I dare say as much as the lies hurt you, the lies seem to cut both ways and only the betrayed seems to feel the pain, the cheater is anesthetized by their own lust for some scumbag. It shouldn't be a dealbreaker because marriage is about so much more than just cheap sex, but it is a dealbreaker because it permanently changes both spouses in opposite directions and completely shuts down the dynamics of the relationship that made it work in the first place.
Anyways, I'm sorry you are here, I hope you can see that you did nothing wrong in this, you were being gaslighted and it shows in your story. Continue being strong for your children and know that you have done the best you can with what you've been dealt so have confidence that you will be better off for taking action and putting yourself first.
newlife, I just caught up on this thread and am glad to read that you exposed this, I think whether or not you could offer reconciliation you were right to do this. One thing that helped me with my choices was this Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights someone once posted here. Exposing this adultery to his CO may end his career but his marriage should have been a higher priority and he was simply using his deployment as a cover for his immoral behavior.
I know it seems so crazy that your spouse can lie and almost so convingly even in the face of hard evidence. My WW had me believing for a little while that her PA wasn't even adultery... I can still see that SHE is actually somehow convinced it wasn't, but it is the textbook definition - but she somehow was justified because she was "checked out", just as your H tried arguing that at the time he was committed to his decision to divorce you - like that is supposed to be some reasonable justification??
That is affair fog speak, and it hurts to see your spouse lying to themselves I dare say as much as the lies hurt you, the lies seem to cut both ways and only the betrayed seems to feel the pain, the cheater is anesthetized by their own lust for some scumbag. It shouldn't be a dealbreaker because marriage is about so much more than just cheap sex, but it is a dealbreaker because it permanently changes both spouses in opposite directions and completely shuts down the dynamics of the relationship that made it work in the first place.
Anyways, I'm sorry you are here, I hope you can see that you did nothing wrong in this, you were being gaslighted and it shows in your story. Continue being strong for your children and know that you have done the best you can with what you've been dealt so have confidence that you will be better off for taking action and putting yourself first.
Thank you very much for your encouragement. I have done much thinking and reflecting on this situation I have been tossed into. My stbxh has some real nerve. He continues to blame me. He told me the other day that his soldiers (meaning the females of course) care about him and how dare I be jealous and try to make him feel bad for that. I told him that the kids and I should be the most important thing to him, he said that I will not tell him what is important.
OK, he refuses to stop talking to the AP, continues to disrespect me.....YES I have let myself be the doormat for too long. My aunt has told me day in and day out that she would support my decision to work on the marriage but the other day was the last straw even for her. He hung up on me after telling me that he will not call me again. WOW, thank you. He did call back 2 days later and then told me again that he was tired of "this" and that he did not want to do it anymore. He will not come straight out and ask for D, he wants me to do the work. He expects that he can blame me, because if I file he can play the victim- oh, poor me, she filed while I am deployed. I refuse to give him that satisfaction. I refuse to file anything. He needs to come here and face his children and do the work that it takes to end this M.
I can say that I am finally at peace with all of this. It has been 10 months and I am no longer scared, worried or devastated. I have been through the worst of it....it will be a difficult transition (I know I will not like this new single life, but I am hopeful that I will find someone someday to share my days with). I just don't feel like single life is for me.
Thank you all for your support and for giving it to me straight...I should have listened to some advice sooner.
UPDATE!!!!!
Ok, there is much to update...I will try to make this as short as I can. I have known about his secret gmail acct since August. Finally had THE gut feeling I was waiting for and broke in. The timing could NOT have been any better. (he is still deployed btw). I found everything, he was still in contact with her and she knew he was M!!!???!!! So I printed it all, every email, chat log, phone log (he has a google talk number).
He called me when he realized his password was changed. Asked if there was something I wanted to say or talk about. I said nope. He said "don't lie to me." WTF???? Really you SOB, you want to call me a liar! That is pretty much what I said to him. He changed his pw back, started deleting everything. I laughed and said "you did not marry a fool, you deleted everything I just printed."
He went silent when he realized it really was over this time. He could no longer gaslight me, he could no longer cover up a lie with another lie and he had to face me and tell me the truth.
It was the most painful thing ever to read the words, but having been on this forum long enough to read the stories.... I knew all about the fog and how he demonized me and believed the rewriting of our history and all of that.
My question....how quickly can a fog lift? I think his has been lifting for about 4 months, SLOOOOOWLY. We were def in a false R for sure, but I already knew that from the beginning of R since I have been reading about it here. No remorse, wanting to rugsweep, never talking about what happened - oh yeah, cause NOTHING did since they were ONLY FRIENDS. I know the story and he was doing it all by the book.
He immediately started to panic when I told him I wanted D and that all I was waiting for was the truth. For me personally I could not D until I had all the pieces of the puzzle, I had to know for me. Some may be different, I know.
So he offered to write her and tell her not to contact him again... WOW did he already know about the no contact letter??? Hmmm. He immediately gave me every password, told me I could have everything- money, cars, etc he did not care as long as I gave him a chance to make this right and that he would spend his life making it up to me. Offered a post nump and everything.
So.... only 3 weeks ago he said something similar to OW. She told him she could not be with a M man and that she could not "see it through" I am assuming she meant our D.
So, I wonder now if this is another false R? He wrote the do not contact, cc'd her mom. Cause we all know that SICK part of the story.
I called OW, talked to her for 2 hours!!!! Did not yell or curse at her, simply wanted answers. She said her mom was in shock cause she was under the impression he was single.
UGH, this sucks. He is coming home from Iraq tomorrow. Only one week from our REAL D-day.
4Likes
Re: To Confront or not Confront? 
