My situation is a little complicated...here is the basics- he is an officer in the military, currently deployed (where he started the affair). We live in a high cost area and I can't afford to live here with our kids alone- although I do work and know he will pay child support for our 3 kids.
I have learned he has 2 secret email accounts, which I know how to break into....but when I do, he will know and be very angry with me for snooping and not having blind trust. He did the text book WS act- went to Iraq, started the A, blamed me for being the reason our marriage was falling apart, said he needed to "find himself", needed space...stopped calling (for a month!!), spent lots of money on stuff he would never have done before, cursed me, told me to file the paperwork, etc. When I was the calm, cool, rational person....he quickly learned he would not get the quicky divorce he wanted. His career is on the line here if his commander finds out. The OW is in the service as well and so her career is in jeopardy now. He thinks I am mad that he has a "friend" who is a female...he thinks I am so stupid that I don't know what was really going on. Even though I showed him the anonymous email I received that told me what was happening.
The entire time he was telling me to divorce him, he was saying it was because he fell out of love...I should have known. In my heart I did know, but now I have way more evidence than I need and I know when I do get into the other email accounts it will be the nail in the coffin of our marriage. He has never admitted to the A, does not show remorse and got angry at me when I asked him why he was skyping with her after he asked for R.
I know he wants to cake eat. What do I do? I am preparing financially...but I have to be careful, if he sees too much money moving he will know what my move is. Right now he thinks I am on board with R and will just offer blind trust, all the while he is hiding his email accts and lying.
i dont know if im the position to tell you to not let him know that u spyed on him,as i did with my husband becuz my situation got worst when i told him that broke into his ym,now here's my thought,try to calm your self first and foremost,to my understanding wandering H are simply wandering,but the worst case scenario is that they might fall and leave you,he leave you becuz he will find stressful for naggering and ranting about the OW,ive also seen some wife who just kept their silence with all of the affairs of their partner and they won the battle with the OW,what i understood is that mistresses will do their everything to be perfect for the man they are hanging with,believe me,im not selling myself,but i was once the OW,i did everything sweetnes,sex,thoughtfulness and what not?i almost won over the wife,the only thing was i went of the country to get rid of the ridicolous affair,i wonder what could happen if stayed.now i am married with a man i thought who will love me and here in this forum.funny isnt?stay calm and sane,craziness will get u no where,let him do the papers and talking,kill him with kindness. just a thought,but again its all up to you. hugs to you!
Save the evidence of the affair, confront him on his adultery and confront her and her husband or if she is single her parents. This won't go unless you report their adultery to the CO, I hear your concern over the money , look at it this way he wants to divorce you anyway . At least let people know the truth and ensure the OW is seen for what she is .
Exposure is not the end of the world for you, your husband will rant rave and threaten , many marriages recover from affairs, exposure helps kill the affair not the marriage . Posted via Mobile Device
Get a ream of paper and plenty of ink for your printer. Then sit down and access his email accounts. Print them all or forward them to your email account. Chances are, he probably already cleaned them up after you showed him the other email.
Then contact the OW(you will have her email address) and, as I said before, introduce yourself. Make it appear like you know more than you really do but provide her a life line by telling her you don't think your husband said he was married; therefore, she probably won't have anything to worry about when you expose the affair to his CO. If she did know, this will put the fear of God into her. If she didn't, she may just give you more ammunition to work with.
As has been stated, this will destroy the affair and bring him back to the painful reality you are in. Time to level the playing field.
I do agree that I need to expose them both. I do have all of her contact information. I have her mother's email, know where she lives, EVERYTHING. He has been in communication with her mom for months now, almost daily emails asking how things are going....I was disgusted when I read it all. I know way more than I ever thought. I knew there was the affair, but why would he be in touch with her family. Putting a picture of her dog on his desk at work....oh, it is just dispicable.
Last night he got very weird on the phone and I finally just asked him what the heck was wrong with him. (he is still deployed). He said that he knew I had gone through his email (only one account, he has 2 others I have not gone through yet.) He said that he hopes I found what I was looking for and that I had betrayed his trust. WTH? He had the affair and I betrayed him? He is still denying everything, says that she was his only friend and was helping him through a hard time (cause he asked for a divorce to find himself...hmmm, classic). She is recently divorced and was offering support. She is no longer deployed with him and has returned to her station but they still contact each other. I know when I break into the other accounts, the stuff will hit the fan, but he already said last night that he is "done, and not just with this conversation." He says he won't let me control him. He does not think he should have to look over his shoulder.
What the heck is he thinking? I am just going to let him cake eat?
I don't know why I am so scared to just hack the accounts. He is already blaming me for the entire thing. He says that I can't control him....for some reason he is really stuck on this control thing. Even started yelling at me last night that he wanted off the phone and I was trying to control when he could go. WTF??? I am your wife, you call me from Iraq and this is how you are?
I told him that I felt betrayed that he had been taking her to dinner and having lunch with her everyday (for months before I found out) and he said that he had asked me for a divorce so it was none of my business. He NEVER filed any paperwork and the only thing that had been done was I!!!!! split our finances. When we decided to R, I put all our money back joint.....feeling like that was a dumb idea. I don't trust him now. He is saying this is why we can't work and making me feel like the D word is coming back.
Will exposing them really end the affair or make them take it underground? She is in Japan and he is in Iraq....I think she is trying to get stationed near him for the next duty station. Based on what I read in the emails.
This sucks. I have 3 children and I don't want to embarrass our family any more than it already is.
When I read what I wrote, it sounds like I am trying to protect him???!!!! Why am I doing this? He is not concerned about me, he actually goes out of his way to with hold affection and attention. It is stupid of me to even care what he thinks at this point.
You're a military wife. You've been brainwashed pre-deployment to hold a marriage together and to make unhealthy allowances for an unhealthy person who is behaving contradictory to the terms of the moral character he supposedly embraced when he enlisted or was commissioned. As a former officer in the US military I would say that being FAITHFUL and HONEST is not really all that difficult, especially when one is DEPLOYED and should have one's nose on the MISSION and setting a GOOD EXAMPLE and not opening up a breach in the FOUNDATION of what keeps EVERYONE WHO IS DEPLOYED mentally healthy and sound during a deployment. Your H has become one of the WEAKEST LINKS. If you attach yourself to him the way you have, tolerating his behavior and protecting him, you will subject yourself to the consequences he brings upon himself. Nothing good can come of his action. I am thoroughly disgusted with my own H's actions, and it is apparent to me that he has pretty much cooked his goose reputation-wise in our state's National Guard. I have my own support to deal with the mess he left behind and I don't invest any energy into a lost cause. He doesn't represent my morals or values and I have made that perfectly clear to his unit and to others. Think back into your subconscious to all those pre-deployment briefings about tolerance and support. Those are MEANT FOR THE DEPLOYED SOLDIERS WHO ARE MAKING AN EFFORT, not the ones who use their spouses as a doormat and the deployment as a hallpass maneuver.
Hack his other accounts and send the emails to the OW and her mother. Attach a family pic of the three of you so there is no room for misunderstanding. Also let her know your husband put his wedding ring back on the day after she returned stateside.
You feel like you are protecting him because he has manipulated you to feel that way. You are not being controlling but that is what he wants you to think. He will make everything out to be your fault and will manipulate you into believing that IF YOU LET HIM. Take a stand NOW!
Blame shifting - he can't face himself in the mirror and accept responsibility. Copy or forward everything from those accounts and be sure to delete the sent messages from the forwarding. Notify ehr and her mother with the copies. Hold off on the CO's until you see his reaction. You couold ruin his career - until your sure your all done forever don't do that. IF you are done, notify the CO's. Strip all accounts and kill all joint accounts and notify Experiend, Trans Union and Equifax to put afraud alter on the account you seperated and no new joint credit is to be issued. Get moving girl!
My cover is a little blown....he knows I went through one email account. I don't think he knows that I found out about the other 2. He is now with holding all contact. No emails and no phone calls, he is in Iraq so that is fine with me, it is giving me time to gather myself and plan for my children. He only wanted custody to avoid child support.....and said it on skype in front of the kids (the are 10-13). Way to go Dad of the year.