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excessive texting by wife with opposite sex coworker

44K views 102 replies 49 participants last post by  Bremik 
#1 ·
My plan is to post this text and hope to get comments and have my wife read this. Unfortunately because of my wife's past with poor boundaries with the opposite sex I feel the need to be guarded with her. I admit I probably have insecurities but when my gut says I should be checking and I find things not right I guess I feel justified. Recently I became aware of my wife's excessive texting with a male coworker- everyday usually starting about 9 ish and usually going at least until 6 30 or 7 pm which is when she would get home from the drive from work. Plus plenty of 8, 9 , 10 pm texts during the week as well as weekend texts and Friday night texts. During the week the texts are usually in the teens to 20's in volume from a day to day basis. Weekends vary but more like 4-6 a day. When I first became aware of them I would check her phone and find that particular persons texts erased when others who i knew texted her were still there (kids etc). When I finally decided I had enough and talked to her about it the core response was it was nothing and she had erased the texts because he had mentioned that he thought Scarlett Johanson was sexy and she didn't want our daughter to see that since she often uses my wife's phone. Which doesn't explain the rest of the texts she erased and in my mind why were they discussing who he thought was sexy? Plus she knew on a Wednesday I was extremely unhappy with her about something and all I would tell her was she had been deceitful with me but didn't say about what and she claimed to have no idea. The next day (Thursday) after 45-60 days of this excessive texting there was not a single text exchange between them all day or on drive home from work- my conclusion was she talked to him - she says they were really busy and had no time to text. Yet the day before when they had been together all day for a work related trip they still texted all the way driving home from work. I tried to discuss this through the weekend with some success- we are talking- but I don't feel I am getting answers as to why the texts were erased and why so much. We discussed that after work hours and weekends should be off limits and I thought we agreed. He texted her Friday night 7 30 ish and I asked to have the text forwarded to me- the history says it was 2 texts from him but she sent one to me and didn't respond to him. The text was joking about the high school football game across the road from him. We discussed some Sunday that I didn't feel we have resolved anything yet and my questions weren't really answered. She responded that it seemed that I just wasn't getting the answers I thought I would hear. Then at 4 30 that afternoon she exchanged texts with him again- him 2 her 1. Doesn't seem I got anywhere because I sure would think she could have refrained from texting at least that weekend but apparently not. So what does everyone think?
 
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#5 ·
pI became aware of my wife's excessive texting with a male coworker- everyday usually starting about 9 ish and usually going at least until 6 30 or 7 pm which is when she would get home from the drive from work. Plus plenty of 8, 9 , 10 pm texts during the week as well as weekend texts and Friday night texts. During the week the texts are usually in the teens to 20's in volume from a day to day basis. Weekends vary but more like 4-6 a day.
LOL! Not only is this inappropriate, it's childish. I'm sorry you have to deal with this behavior.
 
#6 ·
My plan is to post this text and hope to get comments and have my wife read this.
I really think the second half of this statement is a terrible idea. Don't bring her to this thread. People are going to be telling you how to catch her, and if she sees it she'll only be better at hiding this.

when my gut says I should be checking and I find things not right I guess I feel justified. Recently I became aware of my wife's excessive texting with a male coworker....When I first became aware of them I would check her phone and find that particular persons texts erased when others who i knew texted her were still there (kids etc). When I finally decided I had enough and talked to her about it the core response was it was nothing and she had erased the texts because he had mentioned that he thought Scarlett Johanson was sexy and she didn't want our daughter to see that since she often uses my wife's phone.
Your gut is the animal instinct in you warning you something is wrong. You were right to listen to it enough to inspect the situation. You shouldn't have confronted her so soon, but what's done is done. Your wife is probably cheating on you. She's not just hiding texts from your daughter, she's hiding them from you, and she's doing it for a reason.


the day before when they had been together all day for a work related trip they still texted all the way driving home from work. I tried to discuss this through the weekend with some success- we are talking- but I don't feel I am getting answers as to why the texts were erased and why so much.
You let her go on a trip somewhere with him? Alone?! Please at least tell me your gut feeling was "bad idea". Read Weightlifter's Standard Evidence Thread.
 
#12 ·
Note his reference to a "work related trip".

Might already be too late.

Talking to her has done no good. Obviously she in not going to be truthful. Unfortunately, she is following the standard script for cheaters. Time to stop talking and investigate.

VAR the car. She probably talks to him all the way on her drive home.

There are ways to recover deleted text messages. Look at the evidence gathering thread that others have pointed out.

Good luck.
 
#13 ·
Why not be a really nice guy? I mean this is all innocent according to your wife, right? Now that I have gone through a coworker/workplace affair I can tell you finding evidence is slim. They work together all day, how do you monitor that? So be a real nice guy, in fact so nice you surprise her.

Pick a day and take off work, go to her work and insist that she and POS coworker come to lunch with you. Look at your wife all lovingly and say if either of you refuse to go I will expose your affair right here, right now. Go to lunch and tell the POS coworker you are going to his wife and family after lunch. Tell him you have the evidence of all the contact.

Then tell him her phone should never alert from his phone again. If it does you will have him arrested for harassment. Ask him if he understands, ask your wife the same. Tell her she may want to come home early tonight so she has time to pack. Then stand up and ask if your wife would like a ride back to work. Leave him there, if your wife doesn't leave with you, you have every answer you need.
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#15 ·
OP,
You have little control over the actions of others but you certainly can control your own. Why are you allowing some co-worker to text your W? People will not alter course when not met with resistance but when an obstacle is placed in their path they will have to choose another path. Why are you not at least offering some resistance to this OM? I know it is difficult to convince yourself that the woman you love no longer loves you but at some point you simply will not be able to refute the evidence any longer. She is at least in an EA and it would be surprising if it was not PA. Are you familiar with the phrase "nice guys finish last"? It is especially true when it comes to WWs.
 
#16 · (Edited)
Im so sorry but this is by far the easiest EA to see to anyone and I really hope its not gone to PA BUT wiith the trip
you mentioned it looks likely

Please..Please...Please, read weightlifters post someone provided a link above and start action now

Forget about talking to her at this stage and keep quite about it for a few days until you get to see if you are actually facing a PA
 
#18 ·
Recently I became aware of my wife's excessive texting with a male coworker- everyday usually starting about 9 ish and usually going at least until 6 30 or 7 pm which is when she would get home from the drive from work. Plus plenty of 8, 9 , 10 pm texts during the week as well as weekend texts and Friday night texts. During the week the texts are usually in the teens to 20's in volume from a day to day basis. Weekends vary but more like 4-6 a day. When I first became aware of them I would check her phone and find that particular persons texts erased when others who i knew texted her were still there (kids etc).
Google "Emotional Affair" and you will see that your wife is in one. It is a text book case. Being in an emotional affair is cheating, no if ands or buts about it. Get the book "Not Just Friends" to understand what is going on better. You need to demand that she end her emotional affair right now.
 
#19 ·
quite the responses I must say! Some responses to comments- There have been NO phone calls at least from her phone to this guy and if she were to have another phone then I doubt she would have done all the texting to him from the one I can track.- I track using the bill pay usage info from the cell ph company. The trip together was a day trip during normal work hours and she was actually home early because of when they got done- yes I know there is opportunity there. I actually told my wife if anyone else were to here my story they would call me stupid because it seems pretty cut and dry for not being in my favor. I plan on recovering her erased texts and see where that leads me. Everything on here I discussed with her from how things weren't adding up and even if she erased something to keep our daughter from seeing it then she shouldn't have been writing it in the first place. I also told her I don't want to have to worry about this anymore and if she needs to move on then do it. Even proposed the idea that she must be unhappy but was too chicken to leave so this was how she was dealing with it - have the cake and frosting to type deal. I just don't want to have to worry about this anymore - if she isn't doing anything then stop being so stupid and if she is then cut the cord and move on. I know it seems stupid that I give her some type of benefit of the doubt and I have no answer for that but I would like to see the deleted texts to decide my next move. Luckily this site gave me the info I needed!
 
#27 ·
quite the responses I must say! Some responses to comments- There have been NO phone calls at least from her phone to this guy and if she were to have another phone then I doubt she would have done all the texting to him from the one I can track.- I track using the bill pay usage info from the cell ph company. The trip together was a day trip during normal work hours and she was actually home early because of when they got done- yes I know there is opportunity there. I actually told my wife if anyone else were to here my story they would call me stupid because it seems pretty cut and dry for not being in my favor. You are not stupid. Your gut is speaking truth. I plan on recovering her erased texts and see where that leads me. Everything on here I discussed with her from how things weren't adding up and even if she erased something to keep our daughter from seeing it then she shouldn't have been writing it in the first place. Agreed. I also told her I don't want to have to worry about this anymore and if she needs to move on then do it. Even proposed the idea that she must be unhappy but was too chicken to leave so this was how she was dealing with it - have the cake and frosting to type deal. I just don't want to have to worry about this anymore - if she isn't doing anything then stop being so stupid and if she is then cut the cord and move on. I know it seems stupid that I give her some type of benefit of the doubt and I have no answer for that but I would like to see the deleted texts to decide my next move. Luckily this site gave me the info I needed!

Your W is up to no good. It is that simple.
 
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#20 ·
Kudos to you for realizing the danger here and taking steps to deal with the problem.

So many other posters prefer to ignore it and hope it goes away. I really hope your wife is still invested in your marriage and the two of you find a solutions to this.

Just be aware that some times a cheating spouse will offer anything you require or request to calm you down and then find other means to communicate with her affair partner. From the number and frequency of the texts, it appears your wife is "addicted" and like all addicts, she will find it difficult to stop no matter what she tells you or promises you.

Did your wife offer any comments to what you told her?

Let us know what happens.
 
#21 ·
No satisfactory comments from her. When asked what were in the erased texts she can't remember except for the one she says she erased for our daughter. The day before I started this talk to her they had been texting basically all day and she erased it but she doesn't remember what was in it?? She didn't think there was a problem until I brought it up. She can't explain - to my satisfaction- how they have been texting endlessly for 2 months but when I imply she has been deceitful to me they suddenly don't text at all the next day before she supposedly knew what I was talking about- I was trying to get her to admit what was going on before revealing what I know. In fact she said she was quite happy with us and thought things were going well. She realized maybe it did look bad. BUT she still responded to a text he sent on Sunday!- kinda thought our talk would have been fresh in her mind?! We did go on a date Saturday night. We have been married 23 years.
 
#23 ·
bremik...given the situation, let's suppose that the content of the texts are completely innocent, are you still going to be ok with her texting this guy? Is there anything they could contain, or not contain that would make you feel ok with the contact? If you just want her to stop, don't waste time trying to evidence gather or any of that. Just tell her you are not ok with any contact, it needs to stop, and any further contact, you will file for divorce. And be ready to file when she contacts him again.
 
#29 ·
My plan is to post this text and hope to get comments and have my wife read this. Unfortunately because of my wife's past with poor boundaries with the opposite sex I feel the need to be guarded with her. I admit I probably have insecurities but when my gut says I should be checking and I find things not right I guess I feel justified. Recently I became aware of my wife's excessive texting with a male coworker- everyday usually starting about 9 ish and usually going at least until 6 30 or 7 pm which is when she would get home from the drive from work. Plus plenty of 8, 9 , 10 pm texts during the week as well as weekend texts and Friday night texts. During the week the texts are usually in the teens to 20's in volume from a day to day basis. Weekends vary but more like 4-6 a day. When I first became aware of them I would check her phone and find that particular persons texts erased when others who i knew texted her were still there (kids etc). When I finally decided I had enough and talked to her about it the core response was it was nothing and she had erased the texts because he had mentioned that he thought Scarlett Johanson was sexy and she didn't want our daughter to see that since she often uses my wife's phone. Which doesn't explain the rest of the texts she erased and in my mind why were they discussing who he thought was sexy? Plus she knew on a Wednesday I was extremely unhappy with her about something and all I would tell her was she had been deceitful with me but didn't say about what and she claimed to have no idea. The next day (Thursday) after 45-60 days of this excessive texting there was not a single text exchange between them all day or on drive home from work- my conclusion was she talked to him - she says they were really busy and had no time to text. Yet the day before when they had been together all day for a work related trip they still texted all the way driving home from work. I tried to discuss this through the weekend with some success- we are talking- but I don't feel I am getting answers as to why the texts were erased and why so much. We discussed that after work hours and weekends should be off limits and I thought we agreed. He texted her Friday night 7 30 ish and I asked to have the text forwarded to me- the history says it was 2 texts from him but she sent one to me and didn't respond to him. The text was joking about the high school football game across the road from him. We discussed some Sunday that I didn't feel we have resolved anything yet and my questions weren't really answered. She responded that it seemed that I just wasn't getting the answers I thought I would hear. Then at 4 30 that afternoon she exchanged texts with him again- him 2 her 1. Doesn't seem I got anywhere because I sure would think she could have refrained from texting at least that weekend but apparently not. So what does everyone think?
bremilk,

What do we think? We think you are a wussy.

After reading this and your other two threads, it's pretty clear that your wife has been disrespecting you for many years and probably cheating on you much of that time.

So, the real question is, why have you not done anything about it? Are your really in doubt as to what she is up to or are you just afraid to take action?

As long as you allow her to get away with what she's doing, you can't expect things to change.
 
#30 ·
When I first became aware of them I would check her phone and find that particular persons texts erased when others who i knew texted her were still there (kids etc)

....we are talking- but I don't feel I am getting answers as to why the texts were erased and why so much.

Yes, this is an inappropriate relationship. By itself, it is a case of poor boundaries. Coupled with your old thread (the partying references below), it is concerning. Yet even still, those separate individual episodes were many years apart (it was history already in his 2009 thread). She likes attention from men. There is no doubt. And that needs to be worked on a lot harder after this current episode. So minimum, you guys have work to do.

But how much does she like to be around men? Flirt with them? Party with them? Communicate inappropriately with them? Are incidences like these indeed this rare, or are there other instances where she may have partied a lot? Does she go to a lot of corporate events that require her to entertain clients? Does she go out with friends past 1AM? (NOTHING good is going on after 1AM).

You may want to let it die down a little and spy ("sorry Hunny-Bunny, I was just feeling a little vulnerable..."). Keyloggers. Look into old text records, if you can. Var in car/purse. Standard stuff. Just old billing records will tell you a lot. Are there other numbers you never knew about? Check her Facebook. I think you'll find out a lot.

Two separate instances many years apart. What went on in between?
 
#32 ·
Sorry you are here especially after 23 years of marriage.

I read your other posts and man you are in troble.

Your wife is cheating on you AGAIN. Is this the same Jay and Dave or the co-worker they wanted her to check out???

Damn she was partying with them,talking with them about sex especially anal sex. Staying late a lot of nights and she is STILL workinh with them :(

About your curent situation-it is even worse. Why? Because she kept lying to you over and over again.

Sorry my friend but Divorce her. I dont know why you are wasting your years and years on this woman :(
 
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