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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 11-20-2008, 02:48 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair

mclovin-

Your wife seems to be saying that you were depriving her of sex and intimacy and she got fed up. Is that true?

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Originally Posted by mclovin's wife View Post
I don't hate you like you are thinking. I am just indifferent. I feel like we grew apart. I don't understand you either. You tell me yesterday that you are filing for divorce and yet again today I get a message like this one. I think you should still file. I will get the paperwork ready for you this weekend. I don't know what to do. Like I said to you before, I do not want to break up our family for our son's sake. I think we both agreed that was not good enough. Additionally, I feel like you are in denial as to the extent of our problems pre-Aaron. (the other guy) I know you touched upon it below, but it seems like you are telling yourself and Jim(my counselor) and probably your parents that this is happening because of me. You want to work on it and I don't. I love someone else. You are trying everything and I am doing nothing. Did you tell these people that we have not had a conversation aside from pregnancy or our son in about 3 years? Did you tell them that every night you go downstairs (or now fall asleep with our son) while I take a bath and we sleep seperately? Did you tell them that there is zero intimacy between us and it has been that was for quite some time now? Did you tell them that we never go anywhere or have anything resembling fun or have any friends? I feel miserable, and I don't know how to snap out of it, Aaron or no Aaron. What you and your less than intuitive counselor have failed to relaize is that Aaron is not the problem. He is a symptom of the problem at this point. While it makes sense to you and "everyone else" (since I am nuts) that I should ditch Aaron (and I understand I can't continue 2 relationships), it is hard for me to give up someting that I feel strongly about just to go back to a miserable boring life. What I have done has now become the main focus of our problems - which I can understand why- but the truth of the matter is that there were many issues prior to Aaron. I know this is a lot of rambling - maybe Jim can continue to diagnose me if you show this to him- but I am not sure what else to say right now

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Old 11-20-2008, 02:58 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair

this is her admitting that she knew there was a problem. i guess (am i wrong) that she didn't let you in on what was bothering her?

i can hear it now. "okay, there's problem x, y, and z. i became indifferent. then i found aaron. i don't feel indifferent about him. so that's my choice."

"you told me you were filing for divorce. that makes what i'm doing okay."

so you apparently told her you were, she called your "bluff" (?), and said she'd get the paperwork ready. i don't know if where you are is a "no-fault" divorce state (the biggest cop out in civil law) but i think you'd be hurting yourself to not file. you need to have introduced to the legal system that she was an adulterer. things might not so "green" on that side of the fence.

i am truly sorry for you both. i am an anabashed fan of the notion of faithfully fulfilling the obligations of the covenant of the marriage vows. i wish you the best. her day will come.
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Old 11-20-2008, 03:29 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair

Right now, she is definitely getting the void she felt within the marriage being met by TOM and she has also convinced herself that giving him up will mean going back to life as before.

At this point, if you agree with her that you neglected her physical and emotional needs in the past she may need your acknowledgment of that.

She may be angry with herself that she got emotionally attached with another man, but it almost sounds as though she is more angry at you for setting her up to get her needs met elsewhere....doesn't justify what she is doing but she sounds like she feels stuck no matter what she does it will be wrong on some level. So now, she's feels she's being labeled the 'bad guy' but in reality just wants to be happy.

Best solution for her would be that you step in and fill this void because if she continues with TOM and things eventually go south, she will be in a really bad place. I hope you can convince her to give your marriage an honest shot.
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Old 11-21-2008, 10:32 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair

Until yesterday I don't think I was able to admit that I was really part of the problem. Reading her email and talking to her last night made me realize that TOM is not the problem he is just a result of a bigger problem my wife and I have.

I really feel bad and a bit angry at my counselor for not helping me better in understanding this or focusing on our problems pre TOM. I blame myself for not seeing it sooner.

Right now my wife needs some space and time and I love her so I will give her that. I hope that she can see that I really do love her and didn't purposely try to neglect her, we just had a lot going on and lost focus on our marriage and relationship. I mean all kinds of bad stuff was happening to me. My job sucked, I was stressed out about our finances and trying to be the main provider. I really didn't think my wife cared for me as much as I cared for her. Some of the little stuff that I used to shrug off would irritate me like my wife harping on me about crunching chips and stuff. I never talked to my wife about how I was feeling and she tried sometimes to talk to me but I was somewhat bitter and just didn't want to hear it. Then add to it fertility issues, lack of balance after our son was born, and my son's sleeping issues and it just got really bad.

I just hope that my wife can see that I do value the things that she wants like friends, seperate time, together time, etc. Sometimes I guess you try to point out the issues with the othe rperson without really seeing what you did yourself to get in the mess to begin with. I think I starting to see what I have done wrong and instead of focus on TOM I'm going to focus on that. I just hope that it's not too late. I just love her so much and jsut hate myself for not seeing this and not being loving and caring enough in the way my wife needed. I think I've been a pretty good father to our son, but a pretty crappy husband for a few years at least.
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Old 11-21-2008, 11:42 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair

mclovin-

I feel that up until the point where you showed us her email, you misled us somewhat: She seemed totally unreasonable. since reading her email, it seems like it's the other way around. I realise you did not deliberately mislead us - you seemed as surprised as the rest of us!

If you want advice, worthwhile advice, you have to give a fair picture. Stop beating around the bush and give us the facts - we're all anonymous here. You don't need to use "infertility" as a euphemism for something else.

We are here to help
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Old 11-21-2008, 12:09 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair

Being able to see her side in this is a big step forward, especially if there are things you want to change about yourself (for you) but also from her perspective to know you understand how your marriage got to this point. She will be more apt to discuss how you got here and what you plan to going forward if she feels the entire burden isn't on her and she isn't the 'bad guy' and that there really is a great option in all of this (not just run to TOM or stay in an unhappy marriage) but to have a marriage that is stronger than ever...

A few things I would do right now...you/she had made mention of family members thinking she's gone crazy, etc....I would keep them out of the loop at this point...I'd probably talk to them and say you realized you played a big part in how she's been feeling the last few years and both realize you are both at fault...if she decides to work on your marriage...that will be an area where she may feel hurt and betrayed if she feels the outside family has turned against her.

The other thing is, having TOM in her life will prevent you both from rebuilding your marriage...you will have to decide the best approach on this but if you give in and let her stay in contact with him she will flip-flop mentally (the fantasy of him will most likely be easier than trying to rebuild the marriage) and it will be difficult for the two of you to move forward.

Stay hopeful...these last few days are a great start.
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Old 11-21-2008, 12:22 PM   #22 (permalink)
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I'm not sure what your talking about Twain. Swedish you are right. I just didn't know who else to turn to when all this first happened and talking to my family was my outlet. In hindsight it probably was the worst thing because I really focused more on the affair and not on the other stuff. My wife then thought that everyone was against her I'm sure. The reality is that my parents and family are upset at what happened but they do care about my wife. My mom flipped out on her the one day which didn't help things. I can see why my wife feels really outnumbered and more alone. Her mom also comes down on her about all of this too.

I'm not trying to make excuses but I was really emotional when I found out about all of this. I mean the affair part. The fact that our marriage was having trouble was not news I just chose to ignore it and we basically coexisted.

I just hope my wife realizes that I am trying to see her point of view and trying to understand. The hard part is her talking to TOM because it really does upset me. I will not make demands on her to stop talking to him because I just think it makes her more angry with me. I will just try to be more understanding and listen more to her when she wants to talk and hopefully her feelings for TOM will fade and she will decide to stop talking to him.

I mean I think if I am more understanding and she still continues to talk to him then I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it and deal with what to do, but by my actions I really haven't given her any reason to stop talking to him because I've been all over the place emotionally and made things worse. I hope this makes sense.

Maybe I need medication. LOL
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Old 11-21-2008, 12:39 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair

Having been in your wife's shoes, I can tell you that she will likely find it very difficult to stop talking to TOM. And while she's talking to him, it will be next to impossible to focus on your marriage. As Swedish said, the fantasy in her head is pretty powerful and it's easier to stay with that than with the more difficult task of rebuilding a troubled marriage. If my husband had let me keep talking to the guy, I don't know that I would have stopped. Why should I? I had the best of both worlds; emotional support from one side and the husband on the side providing for the family.

I really think you need to ask her to stop all contact with TOM. Yeah, it will make her angry, but it will only keep the distance between you, even if you do everything in your power to fix things from your side. If she doesn't want to separate or divorce, then she needs to give up the other guy.

Sorry for being so harsh, but I learned that lesson the hard way, and now, a year later, am finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel as things improve. Just trying to help.
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Old 11-21-2008, 12:48 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by mclovin View Post
I'm not sure what your talking about Twain.
Read my last two posts. If you still don't know what I'm asking, maybe I need to leave you to it.
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Old 11-21-2008, 12:55 PM   #25 (permalink)
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from a person who had an affair and fell "in love" with someone else, i can tell you that everything she is telling you is a result of these feelings for the other person.

prior to the affair i had, my wife and i didn't get along the greatest, but it was never as bad as i made myself believe, and then others. i too told her the things your wife has told you...from "i hate you" to "your presence makes me sick"...everything. i made her believe that our relationship had failed years before the affair to make myself feel better. i would do anything to justify what i was doing to wreck our marriage and to make it "okay" in my eyes...didn't care what anybody else thought.

i don't have the answers, but i can tell you that the email you shared from her above is the same bunch of b.s. and lies that i would spew to my wife, again, just to make myself feel better about what i was doing.

you've a choice. if you honestly believe you can win her back, hang in there. my wife did, and she won me back. if you think it's a lost cause, then it's definitely time to bail.

how you'll come to that decision...i honestly don't know. what finally worked for me, or moreso, for my wife, was me realizing how little a part i would play in our kids' lives. that hurt and made me wake up. how to make her realize that you and her are your child's parents and he needs the both you together and happy i don't know.

but what i do know, and i did finally realize, is that we can control who we love. needing to love is no where nearly as easy as loving someone we want to love. you have to turn the need into a want, and this is what she needs to realize. it's possible...i know.

good luck, that's all i can say at this point...i'm no counselor, but i've been there...
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Old 11-21-2008, 01:56 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Quenton, at what point did you end your affair? What made you do it? Was it something your wife did or did you just figure it out on your own?

Leah, how did you stop your affair? Did your spouse demand you stop? I'm just curious.

I appreciate your comments. I just get really confused. My wife says she knows it is wrong to talk to him and that it hurts me. She doesn't want to stop and go back to her miserable life with me, which I can understand how lonely she felt and that I wasn't there. I really believe that her attraction to TOM is more of a crutch at this point and time. I mean, maybe I'm wrong on that, but I really believe she hasn't been able to figure anything out because I'm constantly all over her about this situation.
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Old 11-21-2008, 02:00 PM   #27 (permalink)
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from a person who had an affair and fell "in love" with someone else, i can tell you that everything she is telling you is a result of these feelings for the other person.

prior to the affair i had, my wife and i didn't get along the greatest, but it was never as bad as i made myself believe, and then others. i too told her the things your wife has told you...from "i hate you" to "your presence makes me sick"...everything. i made her believe that our relationship had failed years before the affair to make myself feel better. i would do anything to justify what i was doing to wreck our marriage and to make it "okay" in my eyes...didn't care what anybody else thought.

i don't have the answers, but i can tell you that the email you shared from her above is the same bunch of b.s. and lies that i would spew to my wife, again, just to make myself feel better about what i was doing.

you've a choice. if you honestly believe you can win her back, hang in there. my wife did, and she won me back. if you think it's a lost cause, then it's definitely time to bail.

how you'll come to that decision...i honestly don't know. what finally worked for me, or moreso, for my wife, was me realizing how little a part i would play in our kids' lives. that hurt and made me wake up. how to make her realize that you and her are your child's parents and he needs the both you together and happy i don't know.

but what i do know, and i did finally realize, is that we can control who we love. needing to love is no where nearly as easy as loving someone we want to love. you have to turn the need into a want, and this is what she needs to realize. it's possible...i know.

good luck, that's all i can say at this point...i'm no counselor, but i've been there...
in the words of john madden..."boom, there ya have it."
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Old 11-21-2008, 02:03 PM   #28 (permalink)
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I know but there has to be more than just that. The only reason my wife hasn't left me is because of our son so she does realize and worry about the impact on him. That is not enough for her to stop talking to TOM and focus on our marriage.
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Old 11-21-2008, 02:05 PM   #29 (permalink)
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I know but there has to be more than just that. The only reason my wife hasn't left me is because of our son so she does realize and worry about the impact on him. That is not enough for her to stop talking to TOM and focus on our marriage.
apparently not, and that's the key.
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Old 11-21-2008, 02:14 PM   #30 (permalink)
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I talked to her about this the other night. I told her that you can control your feelings or at least the decisions you make relating to those feelings. That didn't go over to well. She thougth it was ridiculous because people can't just turn feelings off. I tried to explain to her that she is not going to instantly not have feelings for TOM, but that I would be there to help her through it and be supportive.

I don't know. Sometimes I personally feel like I'm going nuts.
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