Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair
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Old 11-20-2008, 08:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair

In another post I asked for some advice relating to an emotional affair my wife has had and continues. She refused to stop the affair and work on our marriage. She keeps telling me that there were problems before she started the affair between us. Last night during conversation she told me that I sicken her. She told me that her stomache turns at the thought of me coming home from work. I was sitting at the table eating and she told me that just her seeing me and hearing my voice causes makes her despise and hate me even more.

I'm not a perfect person and since our son has been born we haven't spent enough time with each other as a couple. I've had some work related issues and honestly with my son being born there was stress as my wife wanted to stay home with him and not return to work. I agreed and it caused a major financial strain. This on top of the fact that my son for the first 2 years of his life has had sleeping issues didn't make things better. Over this time the stress probably got to me more than a little bit. I became miserable and somewhat antisocial which is completely not my personality. On top of that my wife has never really handled stress well and would constantly call me at work about problems with our son or finances. I always listened and tried to help her.

Now I'm at a point in which I've been going to counseling, my wife started to go but when she does go individually it seems that she is focusing on validating how to end our marriage than how to save it.

Last night I basically had enough. I explained to her that for us to continue to live like this is just not good. It will eventually impact our son as he will see how upset I am at the affair and her behavior. Additionally he will begin to notice my wife's attitude and depression, which she doesn't get help for. I told her that our marriage cannot exist with 3 people (me, her and the other guy). She says she values our family, which she really means that she worries about our son and how he would be affeced by a divorce. As a side note, she says that if he wasn't in the picture she would have been long gone. I also told her that we need to go to marriage counseling together and also continue seperate counseling. Initially she was upset and then suddenly snapped and said "ok, i'll stop talking to him and go to counseling". I of course, being emotional, said "I hope I can believe you and that you won't talk to him anymore and really try to work on us." She flipped out and called everything off. She said that when she says she'll work on things I throw something like that back in her face.

Now she has lied to me 4 times over the past few months saying that she has stopped talking to the other guy, only for me to find out that she hasn't. I can't help the way I feel and I'm just trying to communicate with her. The weird thing is that she then tells me "I can understand you feeling that way" but that "she sick of it."

I told her that if she could not work on those two things than I have to move ahead with filing for divorce. I know this is probably drastic, but I am completely at a loss. To hear that she hates me and would be "long gone" if it weren't for our son. I mean I'm really trying. I've always been there for my wife. I've helped her get a degree and supported her with encouragement. I've helped her get a teaching job. I've always been affectionate to her (flowers, nice cards, emails, notes, etc). My wife has never really been that giving back though and has been very critical of me over our 9 year marriage. I mean I can't even eat chips in our presence because it "annoys her".

Sorry for the length. I just am really torn. I don't want a divorce, but I can't make my wife try and really she has.n't shown any signs of trying at all. She just wants to continue to coexist, talk to her lover, go out with friends. She recently told me that she would be going out on New Year's Even with her friend and wouldn't be coming home. She actually believes that there is nothing wrong with that request and was upset with me when I was upset with her telling me. It's like I can't win.
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Old 11-20-2008, 09:08 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair

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She told me that her stomache turns at the thought of me coming home from work. I was sitting at the table eating and she told me that just her seeing me and hearing my voice causes makes her despise and hate me even more.
You're just not getting it my friend. Once a woman says that, you have to move out within days. Any capitulation just makes you look spineless in her eyes, which will make her despise you even more.

You are quite right, children will do much better without having to witness that sort of interaction.

Tell me about the chips thing. Are you overweight?
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Old 11-20-2008, 09:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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MT...just to clarify, in the US chips = crisps not french fries so it's probably in reference to the crunching sound.
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Old 11-20-2008, 10:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair

swedish


Well in that case it would amount to her not only despising the site of him, but any sound he made. The last sound she would ever here from me would be the door quietly closing behind me.
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Old 11-20-2008, 10:07 AM   #5 (permalink)
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MT...just to clarify, in the US chips = crisps not french fries so it's probably in reference to the crunching sound.
crunching sound...weight...the color of his tie...i don't think she much cares...if she can find a reason to "hate" him, she'll do it, for this nit-wit she's carrying on with.

i think what matters here is HE has shown a willingness to work, SHE wants to get someone who'll tell her what she's doing is okay...i'm surprised by the failure rate of counseling with regard to couples. wait, no i'm not...i know the culture that's grown within the codependency movement and believe it has affected the attitudes of certain counselors...the "cut your head off to cure the migraine" technique.
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Old 11-20-2008, 10:12 AM   #6 (permalink)
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i know the culture that's grown within the codependency movement and believe it has affected the attitudes of certain counselors...the "cut your head off to cure the migraine" technique.
Yeah, look at snix11's new counsellor: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/men-s-c...html#post26729
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Old 11-20-2008, 10:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Yes. It's potatoe chips. Since we've been married my wife has always been irritated with stuff that most people wouldn't worry about. The crunching sound of eating chips irritates her. It's not like I stand there crunching with my mouth open either. She would get irritated by how I drank soda or any kind of drink. She gets irritated by my breathing, if I breath out of my nose.

In going to counseling I realized that by accepting those trivial things that my wife would pound me on made me feel more miserable and resentful towards my wife. When I tried to express that her pounding on me for thiings that I really can't control makes me upset she would just discount it, so I stopped saying anything and thus became internally upset and resentful towards her. I still showed love for her, so I guess I'm a glutton for punishment because I thought that if I showed her enough love that she would see that and stop being mean to me, but it never happened.

Now I'm at this point. She's had an emotional affair with another man. She will not stop the affair and while living in the same house together she continues to talk to him. She is a stay at home mom so seperating is very hard at this point and really I don't trust that seperation will be the answer as she can just live out her fantasy with this other guy at my expense. I care for her even after all of this and I worry about my son and how he will be impacted by a divorce.

I've read on these forums about being patient, not giving up on your marriage, etc. I don't want to give up on my marriage or my wife but I just don't know what to do. Last night when we were talking and she said she would stop talking to this guy and start going to counseling I told her that "I hope she will stop and focus on us" and she flipped out because I said that. She has told me 4 times before that she stopped talking to him only for me to find out that she hasn't. I wasn't trying to be hurtful, just honest. She told me "why should I even try if you are going to doubt it." Then she said that she was going to change her cell number and account so I couldn't see her calls. She said she was "going to call him every f'n day and talk to him and then go have sex with him." Then stormed out of our house.

I know probably most of you are thinking I'm crazy for putting up with this, but I just love my wfe and family and I really think my wife has not been right mentally and rather than helping her I just let it go and I feel responsible for not trying to help her sooner. I guess though even if I had brought this up she probably would have denied she had a problem anyway.

I just don't get any of her behavior. I'm a caring husband and person and for her to say she hates me and do all these hurtful things is just killing me.
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Old 11-20-2008, 10:26 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I've read on these forums about being patient, not giving up on your marriage, etc. I don't want to give up on my marriage or my wife but I just don't know what to do. Last night when we were talking and she said she would stop talking to this guy and start going to counseling I told her that "I hope she will stop and focus on us" and she flipped out because I said that. She has told me 4 times before that she stopped talking to him only for me to find out that she hasn't.
reminds me of a joke. guy trying to quit smoking says "it's the easiest thing i've ever done. hell i quit 20 times a day!"
(20 cigs in a pack still, i assume)
anyway...

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I wasn't trying to be hurtful, just honest. She told me "why should I even try if you are going to doubt it."
why'd you say that??? you know her routine. you knew she'd flip out!

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Then she said that she was going to change her cell number and account so I couldn't see her calls. She said she was "going to call him every f'n day and talk to him and then go have sex with him." Then stormed out of our house.
nice...what a nice woman.

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I know probably most of you are thinking I'm crazy for putting up with this, but I just love my wife and family and I really think my wife has not been right mentally and rather than helping her I just let it go and I feel responsible for not trying to help her sooner. I guess though even if I had brought this up she probably would have denied she had a problem anyway. .
well she succeeded. according to your counselor. she's got you feeling responsible for her mental imbalance.
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I just don't get any of her behavior. I'm a caring husband and person and for her to say she hates me and do all these hurtful things is just killing me.
she's on the defensive, fighting back with evil, hurtful words. because she knows she's wrong. nobody can justify the filth that's coming out of her mouth toward you.

oh...and... you're not responsible for her mental imbalance, and it sounds like there is one. but, i'm no professional. but i'll bet there's a thousand of em in your yellow pages.
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Old 11-20-2008, 11:18 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I can't say anything critical or she flips so knowing that I've been trying to not stire things up becuse she flips in front of our son and he doesn't deserve to see that.

My counselor believes she has Borderline Personality Disorder but she has to want help. She really doesn't believe there is anything wrong with her. She thinks that she fell out of love wth me and that's it. She says the only reason she hasn't left is because of our son, but when I mention divorce, suddenly she will stop talking to the other guy and go to counseling, When I say that I hope she is sincere she flips out. I just can't win.

Plus, I know she will find other ways to contact him because I could tell she wasn't being genuine. It's like a game with her. Then after her flipout last night when she came back she continued her assault asking me "If I was spying on her" because I was on our laptop. She just kept going for a few minutes and i just ignored her.
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Old 11-20-2008, 12:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I know probably most of you are thinking I'm crazy for putting up with this, but I just love my wfe and family and I really think my wife has not been right mentally and rather than helping her I just let it go and I feel responsible for not trying to help her sooner. I guess though even if I had brought this up she probably would have denied she had a problem anyway.
With your present attitude, there is little hope for you. The only chance you have at all is to become very very firm. Why you still love her is a mystery only you can solve. By compromising your self esteem, you are condemned to the quality of life you now have with her.

If you want a different result, you MUST apply different behaviour. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's a fraction of the harshness you are getting from her, I'm just trying to be a mirror for you.
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Old 11-20-2008, 12:12 PM   #11 (permalink)
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She thinks that she fell out of love wth me and that's it.
It's way more than that. Falling out of love can happen when there is distance and/or resentment building over time but her level of anger sounds pretty high. She seems past being out of love and feeling sad but still wanting the best for you. Whatever caused her resentment is probably still being fueled by whoever she vents to (TOM?) and making things worse.

At this point, I would avoid saying anything to her that she might imply as sarcastic or putting her down (sounds as if 'well, I hope so' was received that way) Don't give her reasons to fuel her anger...I think you are absolutely right in saying she needs to end all contact with TOM...this may seem like an impossible request to her if he is her source of support so the more calm you are the less chance she will keep running back to him (sounds like she does this in her mind...as soon as anything you say bothers her she's right back there)

Be firm in what you will stand for but in the end you cannot control her choices, but you can sure make her think twice about them if you continue to show her that she has a good husband and father to her son. The only time I would say something is if she started up in front of your son...I would say 'we need to talk about this in private' He needs to be protected from that.
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Old 11-20-2008, 12:22 PM   #12 (permalink)
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there are two emotions. and they aren't love and hate. they are love and indifference. if she's hating, it's because there's still love. it sucks, but it's there.

i remember when my wife finally "had it" and told me that was it. shecried so hard, saying that i was not a "team player" in our marriage and "how could you do this...to us."

i have to tell you, it really made me feel like she loved me and i was disappointed in letting her down. it also felt like, "wow, she must really love me."

hate vs. indifference.
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Old 11-20-2008, 01:10 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Have been throught his crap myself, i think she is trying to make you mad so you will leave (not her fault) She does not hate you man. She is just trying to push you away. Quit talking to her, but whatever you do if you are committed and she wants to separate...don't you leave. You get her out! I left because my wife said we needed a separation and she did not have any where to go. I took the initiative to find a place for myself and I resented it the whole time. She got exactly what she wanted! She got her space and the kids stayed with Mom and the kids saw Daddy walk out the door. If you are committed. tell her that. And then get her **** and put it out the door! If you love yourself you will do that. If you can't do that because you love her you are lying to yourself...Because you can't possibly love her if you don't love yourslef. I heard it all to. I was a horrible kisser, my wife did not want me home or to come home herself, she never felt good enough for me, i wore the same coat too often, my hair, my car, everything!!!! That's why she can't stand you right now because she does not see it your way. She sees it as Twain said...."spineless"! Don't threaten her. Dont say, if you don't commit I will have to pursue divorce. She obviously thinks you have no spine, so she sees what you are saying as crap and just threats. I am not telling you what to do, I am telling you what you are doing won't EVER work. It took me 1 1/2 years to figure it out. I looked into my wifes eyes just about 1 month ago (because my sister is going through the same mess & my wife and I are trying to help her) and said "I did it once and I won't ever do it again! Life is too short! It would not take me 5 minutes to walk." She know i was not threatening her because she can tell in my attitude. Stop walking on eggshells--grow some balls and don't allow yourself to be walked on. I know it's hard, but don't wait 1.5 years to figure it out!---like me.
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Old 11-20-2008, 02:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Well my two cents is...her saying if she didnt have the kid she would have ben long gone...well if you two didnt have the kid then maybe she wouldnt be this way and your marriage would be fine. She became a stay at home mom to care for the child. It can be hard and I know this may sound harsh but as a mom I cant be around my kids all day everyday. I chose to go to work to be able to socialize and itneract with other adults outside of kiddie issues. She may feel this way.

I say take a vacation, spend quality time with each other. Seems with a kid around this relationship has been mostly about being a fmaily and forgetting you both are still individuals.

Before anyone jumps down my throat. I am married, Im female and I have 4 kids. What this man is goign through is similiar to how I felt about my husband for awhile. But we took a vacation for a week, our first in 8 years of marriage and it worked wonders. We ended up having another baby, What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas was a lie.....lol

Anywho, you two need time away from being a family. If that doesnt work then I guess seperating will do some good.

Oh and if she isnt working, then more than likely she staying becuase you are the provider. Let her live in her own place and try to be a single parent and see how fast she will love you. Not saying single parenting is hard but if she cant cut it in a dual parent relationship then the wont be able to handle the added stress of being the sole provider of her child.
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Old 11-20-2008, 02:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thank you all for the advice.

Last edited by mclovin; 11-20-2008 at 04:58 PM.
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