Wife Tells Me She Hated Me Before Affair
In another post I asked for some advice relating to an emotional affair my wife has had and continues. She refused to stop the affair and work on our marriage. She keeps telling me that there were problems before she started the affair between us. Last night during conversation she told me that I sicken her. She told me that her stomache turns at the thought of me coming home from work. I was sitting at the table eating and she told me that just her seeing me and hearing my voice causes makes her despise and hate me even more.
I'm not a perfect person and since our son has been born we haven't spent enough time with each other as a couple. I've had some work related issues and honestly with my son being born there was stress as my wife wanted to stay home with him and not return to work. I agreed and it caused a major financial strain. This on top of the fact that my son for the first 2 years of his life has had sleeping issues didn't make things better. Over this time the stress probably got to me more than a little bit. I became miserable and somewhat antisocial which is completely not my personality. On top of that my wife has never really handled stress well and would constantly call me at work about problems with our son or finances. I always listened and tried to help her.
Now I'm at a point in which I've been going to counseling, my wife started to go but when she does go individually it seems that she is focusing on validating how to end our marriage than how to save it.
Last night I basically had enough. I explained to her that for us to continue to live like this is just not good. It will eventually impact our son as he will see how upset I am at the affair and her behavior. Additionally he will begin to notice my wife's attitude and depression, which she doesn't get help for. I told her that our marriage cannot exist with 3 people (me, her and the other guy). She says she values our family, which she really means that she worries about our son and how he would be affeced by a divorce. As a side note, she says that if he wasn't in the picture she would have been long gone. I also told her that we need to go to marriage counseling together and also continue seperate counseling. Initially she was upset and then suddenly snapped and said "ok, i'll stop talking to him and go to counseling". I of course, being emotional, said "I hope I can believe you and that you won't talk to him anymore and really try to work on us." She flipped out and called everything off. She said that when she says she'll work on things I throw something like that back in her face.
Now she has lied to me 4 times over the past few months saying that she has stopped talking to the other guy, only for me to find out that she hasn't. I can't help the way I feel and I'm just trying to communicate with her. The weird thing is that she then tells me "I can understand you feeling that way" but that "she sick of it."
I told her that if she could not work on those two things than I have to move ahead with filing for divorce. I know this is probably drastic, but I am completely at a loss. To hear that she hates me and would be "long gone" if it weren't for our son. I mean I'm really trying. I've always been there for my wife. I've helped her get a degree and supported her with encouragement. I've helped her get a teaching job. I've always been affectionate to her (flowers, nice cards, emails, notes, etc). My wife has never really been that giving back though and has been very critical of me over our 9 year marriage. I mean I can't even eat chips in our presence because it "annoys her".
Sorry for the length. I just am really torn. I don't want a divorce, but I can't make my wife try and really she has.n't shown any signs of trying at all. She just wants to continue to coexist, talk to her lover, go out with friends. She recently told me that she would be going out on New Year's Even with her friend and wouldn't be coming home. She actually believes that there is nothing wrong with that request and was upset with me when I was upset with her telling me. It's like I can't win.