Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Shamwow · 08-20-2011, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri

The 'fireworks' that will go off after she gets served with divorce papers should be quiet a sight. I don't think she's going to be ready for her D-day.

Curious to see how this goes down too. Haven't yet decided if I'll do it in person or just not be there. I think not picking her up at the airport (I'll be busy) will be a good start. If I do it in person I will be recording audio on my phone just in case it gets crazy.

All depends on whether or not she's in the fog and hasn't really processed or believed any of what I've said recently, or if she's just done and was looking for a way to prompt me to leave. Which would be cold, but whatever, at this point cold is what I expect.

She very well may just say, "Okay. I want out anyway." In which case I'll just say "Then we're agreed. Go stay at a hotel please."

Entropy3000 · 08-20-2011, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shamwow

Curious to see how this goes down too. Haven't yet decided if I'll do it in person or just not be there. I think not picking her up at the airport (I'll be busy) will be a good start. If I do it in person I will be recording audio on my phone just in case it gets crazy.

All depends on whether or not she's in the fog and hasn't really processed or believed any of what I've said recently, or if she's just done and was looking for a way to prompt me to leave. Which would be cold, but whatever, at this point cold is what I expect.

She very well may just say, "Okay. I want out anyway." In which case I'll just say "Then we're agreed. Go stay at a hotel please."

I could see you just not being there at all. You can count on a serious fog. She proved that when you spoke with her. She probably still thinks she has you wrapped around her finger and has plans to cuckold you further. How much more cruel could she be? A woman cuckolding her husband and rubbing it in his face is pretty bad.

You have time to be outa there completely if that is in your plans.

Or you could pack all of her things and have them waiting for her to take with her. Again she may surprise you and bring the two guys with her to move her out.

If you are not there you would not have to deal with that fabricated drama. Not saying you should avoid such conflict but that is a side show to what you are trying to do which is move on with your life. Choose wisely.

Are you ready to move out and never return? If so that is the best thing to do. You have a small window of time to move out what is important to you and get a place to stay. That is less money than she spent on this weekend.

seeking sanity · 08-20-2011, 03:37 PM

I'm with some of the others. Best thing to do is be gone, and inaccessible. It will create a ton of anxiety.
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ManDup · 08-20-2011, 03:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shamwow

Though we did reaffirm our vows a few days before 10-wk trip - anniversary night planned by me, reproposed, dancing, dinner, good lovin. She "happy" cried and everything. So she must've still dug me a little. The 10-wk trip was the killer, though I'm guessing d-bag was trying to work his way in much earlier.

I knew of a woman who was actively cheating on her husband, and he asked her directly about it. She denied it. They had an ongoing sex life, and they renewed their vows during this time. Eventually he found solid proof and tossed her out quick.

Those weren't happy tears. Those were tears of grief for what she already knew was gone, and for the dramatic irony that you did not know it.

the guy · 08-20-2011, 03:49 PM

Go with your gut, she will be in agreement with the divoce, she will be to hungover to muster up any strength in fighting. She will blow you off and will want to talk later when she is not hungover.

I have a feeling she will agree with what ever you want and will then go to sleep. Sure she will deny any wrong doing, but that is no longer the point. She has checked out of the marriage and will be in no shape to discuss anything with you when she arrives.

After she catches up with her sleep, after being up for the last 72 hours she will then have the rest and strength to manage you. Just like she managed you when you last talked. So in my opinion you need the best impact possible, "the most bang for your buck" if you will, that will shake her to her core.

Be it kicking her out of a house that is in her name or leaving with out a word, or coming home to find another women in your bed......bad idea....stick with either packing her sh~t or packing yours.

I think confronting her in her state will be pointless, especially after the last conversation the both of you had. I think you already know she will be like "what ever" and then go and sleep off her hangover.

Shamwow · 08-20-2011, 04:06 PM

Worst weekend EVER for trying to move out of my house. I am so behind on my work from being so preoccupied this week, that I'm slammed today and tomorrow. Hopefully I can be done before Monday (work is due that day), so I can have that whole day to do what I need to do. Guaranteed she won't be coming home on a morning flight. Expect her prob no earlier than 7pm. But then again, I wouldn't f**king know, because she has not bothered to mention when she plans to come back. And she changed the PIN on her airline account login just the other day. Sneaky.

Monday will be an insane day. Wonder if I should ask around for some Xanax.

Plus we have two dogs. I can have them stay with some friends of ours that usually sit for our dogs and vice versa, but the wife in that couple is a lifelong friend of hers. She will not take my pups. At least not both of them.

I'll try to power through my work tonight and tomorrow and then lock down what I have to do. I can get most of my stuff moved to a storage locker at least, probably take half a day on Monday.

Sigh...

ManDup · 08-20-2011, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shamwow

Just talked to her.

I told her I couldn't wait to see her, and that I booked tix for tomorrow to go where she is, know she's busy but we can at least grab dinner or a few beers and spend the night together. She said she actually won't be there, so I should cancel the tix (hey - a bit of truth!). I asked where she'll be. She then admitted to going to Party City tomorrow, and says it's something her and some friends have been trying to put together for like a year, finally found a chance to do it.

[To Paraphrase]

Me: "Huh. Well I gotta ask - Why didn't you tell me you were going there?

Her: "Because I knew you wouldn't like it."

Me: "Why not? I love Party City."

Her: "Because I want to go have fun with my friends, and didn't want you to come along, since (again) we're not having a whole lot of fun right now."

Me: "Well that sucks...I can understand wanting to party it up with friends, but when I make big plans you're always the first part of them, so you can understand why I'm not thrilled for you and your trip at the moment. We'd probably have a blast."

Her: "Also, I knew you wouldn't like who's going. ______ and ______." (both guys...and yes, OM is one of them)

Me: "Well, gotta tell you...you were right. I don't like it. I can't imagine I'd like it even if you had told me you were going in advance, but since you hid it from me and lied about it, it really doesn't leave me much else to think except the worst-case scenario here. So you're going with _____, the guy who you told me was thinking about flying to hook up with his ex a couple months ago (has a gf in town), and ______, the guy that texts you constantly and obviously wants more from you than you either realize, or than you're telling me about. Nope, don't like it at all."

Her: "We're just friends, I just want to go have fun, hang by the pool and play some blackjack or whatever. It's not like I'm gonna cheat on you or anything. I told you that the other day."

Me: "Of course I want to believe that...I love you...and I've always trusted you implicity, I've ALWAYS knows that no matter what happens, YOU HAVE MY BACK. I've never had one reason, ever, to doubt you for one second until all this weirdness came up recently. Of course I want to believe it's a 'friends' trip. But since you lied about this to me you have to admit I'll be having a bit of trouble buying that right now."

Her: "You're right, it was stupid, sorry. I mean, WTF, I'm lying to you about stuff...don't know how to fix it. But I only did because I didn't want to hurt your feelings, I knew you'd think it was wrong and be mad at me, and I haven't been able to just relax in so long, been on the road forever and it's always full with work, and the last couple times I've come home we're not having much fun and I don't fully relax, and then back on the road...just want to hang with some friends and have fun for a couple days, then I'll be home and we can figure it out. I know it looks bad, but no worries."

Me: "Sorry - it does look bad, and I don't think it's cool for you to just go and do this, especially after me asking you not to for obvious reasons. You know that. You're putting yourself in a bad situation with this trip. I know you're a big girl and can take care of yourself, but why even go there? I don't want to tell you what to do, but I pretty much have to here. So I don't know how to fix something like this either, but it seems like the easiest way to start would be to COME HOME, because clearly this weekend is not going to do us any good. Or...since I have the weekend free, I'd love to come out and tear it up with you guys. We always have fun in Party City. Pick one."

Her: "I'm going, sorry, I'd just rather it not be our trip, we've got that trip to _______ coming up, it's all good. I just really need this time. Don't be mad. I got a meeting in a few minutes, okay? Gotta go, love you."

Me: Alright then.

** Note: Emotions never got hot in the conversation. She didn't quiver or sound like she was nervous, or cry or anything. Neither did I. Really wish I had heard some nerves in her voice...and would love to have seen her body language.

Amazing how some people will still lie even when caught red-handed. I came home early to my first wife in bed with her lover, both asleep, and she still tried to tell me it was innocent.

the guy · 08-20-2011, 04:16 PM

Moving can be a pain in the butt, but it will leave your wife with a profound impact. An impact that will make her second guess her choices in life. So well played sir.
IMO I think this move will be the eye opener she needs to see that her H (you) is confident in moving on with out her and if she wants to keep you around she will need to make some serious changes.

Talk is cheap and actions speak loader then word, so again I commend you on the tough action you are taking to make a very serious point.

librarydragon · 08-20-2011, 04:24 PM

Oh, I read the entire thread. The divorce papers were a great start to a strong stand, but then it kind of fizzled with the phone call. This woman has shown a gross level of deceit, and a complete lack of remorse for the lies and her wayward ways. She still seems to think that they have their own romantic getaway planned upon her return. WTF? I agree with nada that the conversation came across as begging. I'm betting his wife thought the same.

morituri · 08-20-2011, 04:36 PM

The time for talking has passed, it is time for you to pack your bags, wait for the divorce papers to arrive, and then leave before she returns. In the meantime, DON'T answer any of her calls or texts. It's her turn to sweat with uncertainty about what may be happening with you.

Shamwow · 08-20-2011, 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by librarydragon

Oh, I read the entire thread. The divorce papers were a great start to a strong stand, but then it kind of fizzled with the phone call. This woman has shown a gross level of deceit, and a complete lack of remorse for the lies and her wayward ways. She still seems to think that they have their own romantic getaway planned upon her return. WTF? I agree with nada that the conversation came across as begging. I'm betting his wife thought the same.

Trying here guys. I am not a big p***y, though (like 90% of men) I may have been more of a nice guy than I should at times in our marriage. Big deal. The fact that she looks at me that way right now has nothing to do with reality. She has checked out. Never been a problem until a few months ago. Being civil yet direct to my wife is not begging. Giving her a clear chance to realize I know what's up and do not approve and there are lines that can't be uncrossed is not begging.

I didn't say "Please don't do this without me! I'll feel so left out and you're hurting my feelings, don't you see?! What will I do sitting her thinking about you with those other guys!!! What if you sleep with one of them, you're all I have and I miss you so bad, I promise I'll make it a fun weekend if you come home, or let me come with you! Pleeeeeease come home to me!!"

That would be begging.

I suppose I could've said, "Fine, but I won't be here when you get back." That would have been as direct and forceful as possible. But it also would've started an argument. And correct me if I'm wrong, but Alpha behavior dictates to avoid and ignore arguments. An Alpha states their case calmly and directly, and then walks away to let it sink in.

And not saying I'm a born and bred Alpha. I'd say most men have to learn to project Alpha, whether or not they naturally are inclined to. Too little too late? Maybe. But at least I can go out feeling right about it.

Trying here. Doing best I can w/cards this new doppelganger wife has thrown at me.

But I get it if that's the way it comes off to you, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Just don't agree, and honestly don't CARE what she thinks of me anymore. Try to understand that please. She has had her chance to show she respects my pair.

Shamwow · 08-20-2011, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by librarydragon

She still seems to think that they have their own romantic getaway planned upon her return. WTF?

She does. I don't.

Shamwow · 08-20-2011, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri

The time for talking has passed, it is time for you to pack your bags, wait for the divorce papers to arrive, and then leave before she returns. In the meantime, DON'T answer any of her calls or texts. It's her turn to sweat with uncertainty about what may be happening with you.

Agreed. She is supposed to be calling this evening. I will not answer or call back. I don't even know when she's planning to come home on Monday (if it even still is Monday). Don't think I'll be answering calls or texts on Monday when she's calling to fill me in on "when to pick her up at the airport". Not gonna happen.

librarydragon · 08-20-2011, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri

The time for talking has passed, it is time for you to pack your bags, wait for the divorce papers to arrive, and then leave before she returns. In the meantime, DON'T answer any of her calls or texts. It's her turn to sweat with uncertainty about what may be happening with you.

Totally agree that this the best plan of action.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I'm not trying to be rude. I'm angry for you over the way she's treating you.

Shamwow · 08-20-2011, 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by librarydragon

Totally agree that this the best plan of action.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I'm not trying to be rude. I'm angry for you over the way she's treating you.

I know, and that's why I didn't tell you you were wrong...if it came off that way to you, then sure, there's a chance it came off that way to her too.