Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Dadof3 · 08-30-2011, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girlfromipanema

I would probably have the dog food delivered and not involve friends at this time. My response to friend's text would be a simple, "doing fine, thanks for checking in."

Sham, her world is unraveling and your being dark is making things very intense for her. I'm getting some satisfaction from that, I'll admit.

We'll blame the scotch on your geographical mix up. I am much closer to Pasadena (a few hours) than Ipanema.

By the way, my interpretation of your wife's text to friend "how do you recover from that?" would be how would Sham recover from the craziness you saw. She's definitely having second thoughts about her actions. I don't see her actions as necessarily an exit affair. I think she got caught up in the excitement of another man's attention, has poor boundary issues and obvious self-image problems (which seems so emotionally immature for a woman of 37 - just a year younger than me).

Hope you have a good day.

I find myself agreeing with this for some reason.

Eli-Zor · 08-30-2011, 12:19 PM

Sham :

The previous post I made
the plan B letter sample
the postings made from various forum members
and the legal advice are all sound

The legal advice is to protect you, in simple terms if she wants 50-50 she pays 50%, if she stays in the house alone she pays all the utilities.

If she cannot pay 50% on the mortgage your attorney has to ensure your wife signs over a greater portion of the asset value to you e.g. 75%, she has to sign this all before you make any further payments. If she declines you sell the house and clear the mortgage debt or you let it foreclose. The other reason to get legal advice is you do not want any of her debts.

The Plan B letter may be contrary to what you are thinking today, it is a proven process from a number from pro marriage sites and it set out your thoughts, you are not denying you love her you are stating the truth and no matter what she says or does it is in writing. Some waywards have kept the letter for years and ultimately regretted what they had done, in other cases it was one of the many cogs in helping recover the marriage.

girlfromipanema · 08-30-2011, 12:21 PM

I'll just make a couple comments about Plan B. I think it can be helpful, but I think the use of an intermediary reads as weakness. At least it would read as weakness to me. Is it possible to implement plan b without using a third party to communicate?

seeking sanity · 08-30-2011, 12:26 PM

Stay dark for a few more days. The dog food is red herring. She can walk/take the bus/bum a ride to the store. It's just designed to engage you. Don't fall for it.

Now the real question is what do you want to have happen next?

Mike11 · 08-30-2011, 12:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girlfromipanema

I would probably have the dog food delivered and not involve friends at this time. My response to friend's text would be a simple, "doing fine, thanks for checking in."

Sham, her world is unraveling and your being dark is making things very intense for her. I'm getting some satisfaction from that, I'll admit.

We'll blame the scotch on your geographical mix up. I am much closer to Pasadena (a few hours) than Ipanema.

By the way, my interpretation of your wife's text to friend "how do you recover from that?" would be how would Sham recover from the craziness you saw. She's definitely having second thoughts about her actions. I don't see her actions as necessarily an exit affair. I think she got caught up in the excitement of another man's attention, has poor boundary issues and obvious self-image problems (which seems so emotionally immature for a woman of 37 - just a year younger than me).

Hope you have a good day.

Eli-Zor · 08-30-2011, 12:28 PM

Quote:

but I think the use of an intermediary reads as weakness.

Sham is dark, as Sham is already in this state it is best he maintains it , to do this he has to have an intermediary to cover key items and isolate direct contact with his wife. A prime example are the dogs an IM would solve the problem and Sham need not even know the details.

Being dark protects him from all the drama his wife may try throw his way. Plan B includes going dark.

Entropy3000 · 08-30-2011, 12:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golfergirl

It's past point of 'I'm sorry'.
Posted via Mobile Device

OMG it is way past sorry

golfergirl · 08-30-2011, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Entropy3000

OMG it is way past sorry

It's so past sorry, you can't even see sorry anymore!
Posted via Mobile Device

girlfromipanema · 08-30-2011, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eli-Zor

Sham is dark, as Sham is already in this state it is best he maintains it , to do this he has to have an intermediary to cover key items and isolate direct contact with his wife. A prime example are the dogs an IM would solve the problem and Sham need not even know the details.

Being dark protects him from all the drama his wife may try throw his way. Plan B includes going dark.

I completely get being dark, and I think it's proving very effective for Sham. But once you send a Plan B letter, you come out of darkness and express XYZ and then set up an IM - that's where the weakness comes sneaking in. I don't know if I'm expressing myself as clearly as I'd like. Something about the use of the IM just rubs me wrong and seems 'off'. Almost like 'it's too difficult on me emotionally to directly communicate with you so you and I need to use a third party. Wah.'

JMHO.

Dadof3 · 08-30-2011, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girlfromipanema

I completely get being dark, and I think it's proving very effective for Sham. But once you send a Plan B letter, you come out of darkness and express XYZ and then set up an IM - that's where the weakness comes sneaking in. I don't know if I'm expressing myself as clearly as I'd like. Something about the use of the IM just rubs me wrong and seems 'off'. Almost like 'it's too difficult on me emotionally to directly communicate with you so you and I need to use a third party. Wah.'

JMHO.

alphaomega · 08-30-2011, 01:22 PM

Everyone,

This is NOT the way to go about this.

Sham,
Go drive, get some dog food. Go deliver it. If she starts crying or begging, hold up your hand and say.." please, let's keep the discussions to our separation. Anything else doesn't matter to me.". Then, get back in your car and go back to your hotel room.

If you ignore, get dog food delivered, or get a friend to help you? This all shows weakness of character. You need to show her that you are fully in the 180 and she's not going to control or manipulate you anymore. Especially in person.

THAT is a show of strength and character, and not to mention a totally ALPHA and unexpected move on your part.
Posted via Mobile Device

SadSamIAm · 08-30-2011, 01:30 PM

I agree with Alpha, but take someone with you to witness what goes on. Show her how good you are doing and how strong you have become.

I can see her throwing things, hitting, whatever ..... because she is losing it. She is wanting much more than dog food and she will be angry when all Sham does is drop off the food.

piqued · 08-30-2011, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alphaomega

Everyone,

This is NOT the way to go about this.

Sham,
Go drive, get some dog food. Go deliver it. If she starts crying or begging, hold up your hand and say.." please, let's keep the discussions to our separation. Anything else doesn't matter to me.". Then, get back in your car and go back to your hotel room.

If you ignore, get dog food delivered, or get a friend to help you? This all shows weakness of character. You need to show her that you are fully in the 180 and she's not going to control or manipulate you anymore. Especially in person.

THAT is a show of strength and character, and not to mention a totally ALPHA and unexpected move on your part.
Posted via Mobile Device

Unexpected or not, it is exactly what SHE WANTS to occur. It will be giving HER the power by him responding to HER requests. She didn't say "can you figure out dog food", SHE ASKED HIM TO BRING IT.

DanG · 08-30-2011, 01:34 PM

If the attny OKs it, my suggestion would be to kennel the dogs - until you find a place where you can keep them. Just go confidently with a friend and get them and anything else you need. Don't get into conversations. In and out. When/if she is ever ready to "talk" without using scapegoats and vehicles in the process will be the FIRST day that there is any chance that she could POSSIBLY come around. You are dealing with a manipulative child, who may/or may not be able to grow.

Gabriel · 08-30-2011, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by piqued

Unexpected or not, it is exactly what SHE WANTS to occur. It will be giving HER the power by him responding to HER requests. She didn't say "can you figure out dog food", SHE ASKED HIM TO BRING IT.

I'm with piqued here. I see this as a ploy by her to rope him back into her steely traps. I am, however, all for him PROACTIVELY sending her a brief communication. See, by getting Sham to react, she is in control, not him, and it's not alpha IMHO. He needs to stay in control to be alpha here.

I'm not saying this is what Sham should do, but if it were me, I would send her a text or email saying something like this.

"In a few days, I am going to come get the rest of my stuff and my dog. I won't be alone. This is my last communication until then. I'm signing divorce papers today/tomorrow/(fill in timeframe). My attorney will contact you to sort out details."

And then wait 2-3 more days and go get your stuff and dog. Bring a friend or relative or somebody.

That's just what I would do in this situation. Good luck man.