Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help! - Page 14
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree53Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 08-21-2011, 09:31 AM   #196 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 54
Default

Consider the possibility and "opportunity" that this has been one big **** test - either conscious or subconscious. You have noted a lot of her actions which she easily could have been more descreat about, but chose for you to see or "discover." What about optimizing the situation to create a "fantasy " FAR more exciting and Alpha than she (or you) could have dreamed up. "She has been a VERY bad girl . . . " She has been a naughty little , SPOILED *****. She deserves to admit she was bad, apologize, and be prepared to make restitution to you. You could start with a semi-serious spanking. The rest is by your design . . . Or maybe you could BOTH could come up with a restitution/restoration plan. Be Alpha all the way. If you /she want to keep you marriage this could be an opportuniy to "make lemonaid out of lemons." On your end, YOU are are going to have to become a lot more Alpha - because it is obvious she needs it. - just my first time posting .02.
Posted via Mobile Device
DanG is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 08-21-2011, 09:54 AM   #197 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aug View Post
I thought her text and phone call last night was that she is coming back today?
It was 2am last night when I wrote that. "Tomorrow" is today...
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 09:57 AM   #198 (permalink)
aug
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,056
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamwow View Post
It was 2am last night when I wrote that. "Tomorrow" is today...
Thanks. The timestamp on the post said today.

Hope you are surviving...
aug is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 10:05 AM   #199 (permalink)
Member
 
Stonewall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 1,572
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aug View Post
She got dumped by her boyfriend(s).

She's going home to her backup person.

Shamwow, you are not a P____. Everyone handle their situation to their best ability.

She knows that you know. She knows that she stuck it to your face. She got dumped. She's upset she got dumped.

Once she has breached the threshold, it'll be easier for her the next time.
Stonewall is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 10:13 AM   #200 (permalink)
Member
 
Stonewall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 1,572
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by nada View Post
I may have misunderstood, but he wrote that he talked to her, not txted her. If the quite is accurate, he was wining like a girl, which is not very masculine and probably the reason she is cheating.

Do anyone believe she is not?

Nada
Wasn't talking about him texting her. My reference was to the fact that we are reading the text in his post as opposed to being able to hear the conversation. Many nuances and sarcasms can be noted in that way vs simply reading what someone wrote. I could have the exact same conversation with someone and be either whinning or a smart**s without changing the words whatsoever.
Stonewall is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 10:27 AM   #201 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 759
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Okay, this conjecture is really unhelpful: We don't know what she has done, or what has happened. Guessing and speculating on her getting dumped, or not getting dumped, or whatever is pointless and just creates drama. It's what school girls do.

Second guessing what he said, how he possibly said it, getting hung up on what he should of said, doesn't do anything but create anxiety for the guy. He is in a very stressful situation, his emotions are running all over the place, and needs some positive, actionable encouragement.

Being Alpha is not the cause or answer to all problems between men and women.

It is okay for him to feel sad, anxious, scared, hurt, depressed, or whatever he is feeling. Men have feelings, and denying or creating shame around having those feelings is b*llsh*t. A major shift in an important relationship has just occurred. He doesn't know what exactly that shift will look like - reconciliation or divorce. Nobody knows.

Shamwow - I think you are handling this all very well. Much better than I did. If I could do everything all over again, when I confronted my wife, I would calmly state, "I know what is going on and that what happens in this conversation will determine our future."

And if you mess up, get emotional, cry, freak out, or she doesn't act how you expect or how you want, than don't beat yourself up. It happens to the best of us. A huge amount of things are going on for both you and your wife. Don't expect the next few months to follow some straight line.

Last edited by seeking sanity; 08-21-2011 at 10:32 AM.
seeking sanity is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 10:33 AM   #202 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by aug View Post


I'm a man and I think she got dumped too.

Who cries over losing a contract in business? Especially since she had lost other contracts before; did she cried all those times too?

Shamwow, you are being played (and it'll gnawed away at you down the road).
Of course she wasn't crying over a contract...she just didn't know what to say last night so she came up with something that was a bummer to blame it on for the time being.

Well aware that her tears most likely have nothing to do with me. But without getting it from her I can't be sure. I can only assume the worst, and plan for it. He may have banged someone else or told her "Thanks for the week, but" he didn't want to see her again. Or, she may have told him that she had to stop it...and he may have freaked out on her, etc. Or, she may have just stepped out of the fog for a moment and realized how much she has effed up her life and mine, and has no idea what she wants now and is freaking out.

[please feel free to comment on what I've laid out below, as I could use the input pretty quick]

Either way, when she comes home today I'll be prepared to sit her down stat. If she jumps in and starts spilling right away, I'll let her talk. If she doesn't, I'll tell her I know she's been cheating, and that I was not going to be here when she got back from Vegas, that I'd seen an attorney, and that papers were being drawn up as we speak. I'll tell her that I don't know what difference it will make, but if she doesn't tell me everything - from the beginning - and make it the truth, I'm leaving. I'll make it clear to not tell me just the truth she thinks I may already know, because I know plenty, and if she lies or denies what I already know to be true, the conversation will be over, and I'll be leaving and she can expect papers promptly.

Then we'll see what she says.

I won't be giving her a hug when she starts crying (or when she gets home for that matter), I won't be sitting next to her on the couch trying to comfort her as she talks. Rarely if ever call her by her first name, have called her "babe" for so many years it's ingrained. I will call her by her first name only. I plan to be standing, and several feet from her. Will try not to show any emotion whatsoever, and will try to project that I'm only there because she came home early and I haven't have a chance to move out yet.

If she stonewalls me or lies, I will just put up my hand and walk away, and say I'll be leaving now, good luck with everything, and don't call me.

The question is - IF she comes clean and I'm satisfied that she has laid it all out on the table (sure I won't get it all...but where's the line?)...do I go stay somewhere else anyway? Guess it depends on the things she tells me. Obviously, hearing about PA from her mouth will be hard, and I may just want to tell her "Thanks for telling your side. But I can't stand to be in the same room with you right now, I'm going to stay somewhere else." Or I could ask her to go stay somewhere else ("For how long?" "I don't know, I'll let you know"). Or is there ANY scenario where anyone thinks I should stay in the house with her tonight after the confrontation (she could have the couch)? What would most people need to hear and receive from a WS to justify not going nuclear?

(or should I not even leave that option open in my mind right now?)

Last edited by Shamwow; 08-21-2011 at 10:40 AM.
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 11:00 AM   #203 (permalink)
Member
 
Stonewall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 1,572
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Sham,

Your head is screwed on pretty straight for a man that has learned these things in the past few days.

My advice even if she comes clean you still need to leave. Legally if she refuses to leave; I don't think you can make her without an order for her to leave. The connotation that comes out of her refusing and you being unable to force her is one of her winning one part of this battle. Don't allow her this very small win.

If you you leave she has no control over this hence you maintain the power and deny her the ability to control you at all.

That's my .02. I think you are on the right path, stay strong bro!
Stonewall is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 11:02 AM   #204 (permalink)
Member
 
Stonewall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 1,572
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

One last thing .......expect the unexpected. No matter what comes out of her mouth keep your poker face!
Stonewall is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 11:04 AM   #205 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

The hits just keep on coming.

Looks like it's nuclear. Just saw in her email that last night she indeed did book a flight home for today. Then cancelled it this morning at 6am. And has rebooked to Vegas for today thru Tuesday.

I am so pissed off right now...

She will call me to tell me this today. I will not answer or call back. Except maybe to text her back "Don't bother coming home on Tuesday. Have fun with your bf."

At least I can ruin her trip.

Last edited by Shamwow; 08-21-2011 at 11:21 AM.
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 11:07 AM   #206 (permalink)
Member
 
Anubis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 310
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Sham,
I don't have time for the long reply I would like to give, so let me just say this.

No matter what she says or does, don't give in on anything or back down an inch. She is going to try to first disrupt your position and resolve and then try to regain control over the situation and you by any means (by saying anything she can think of). Even if she comes totally clean, don't back down an inch (there will be time for that later if she truly repents and turns her ways around).

Be stone cold. Let her do all the talking and whatever and let he just see your unbreakable resolve. Send her away or go away, but don't let her spend her first night back in the same place as you. She most likely will try to initiate sex with you upon return. It is nothing more than a ploy to regain control over you.

How do I know this? Because I could be the future you. And the single greatest regret that I have is that I didn't hold my ground when I finally wised up and manned up.
Anubis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 11:09 AM   #207 (permalink)
Member
 
Stonewall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 1,572
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Dude I feel your pain...I really do. Remember any emotion she is able to elicit from you is because she excersized power over you. sadness, anger , whatever! She made you feel that way. The best way to get her goat is whenever you act do it with a poker face.
Stonewall is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 11:09 AM   #208 (permalink)
Member
 
Anubis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 310
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Wow... the things that happen while I am busy posting.

She's given you all the time you need to get your situation in order, and she's put the exclamation point on what she really thinks of you.

Expect her to still lob some mental hand grenades your way to keep you off balance and regain some power over you. Resist.
Anubis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 11:11 AM   #209 (permalink)
Member
 
Stonewall's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 1,572
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anubis View Post
Wow... the things that happen while I am busy posting.

She's given you all the time you need to get your situation in order, and she's put the exclamation point on what she really thinks of you.

Expect her to still lob some mental hand grenades your way to keep you off balance and regain some power over you. Resist.
Stonewall is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2011, 11:27 AM   #210 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Her new flight to Vegas leaves in three hours. Perhaps she plans to call me once she gets there? Should I send her a text before her flight leaves to say "Don't bother coming home Tues, have fun with bf."? (or any better ideas?) Or wait until tonight when she's arrived there? That might make more of an effect. Feel like I have to make this trip bad for her somehow.

Guess she really doesn't think I have a pair. I'm done.

Sorry for the possible reconciliation drama, all. Just thought she may have had a change of heart. Clearly bf and her made up by 6am.
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I'm now worried about my wife matman General Relationship Discussion 77 10-24-2012 02:55 PM
I've stalled out PartlyCloudy Going Through Divorce or Separation 11 06-08-2012 02:53 PM
Wife Travels - Never Calls To Talk To Kids twinsfan34 General Relationship Discussion 40 12-16-2011 09:55 AM
I'm worried I might hit my wife MrJosh General Relationship Discussion 11 09-03-2011 09:45 AM
wife travels aves7 General Relationship Discussion 1 05-05-2010 11:57 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:38 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage