Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

nada · 08-21-2011, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Entropy3000

So the reply might be : Adios

Or something more classy like: "Farewell my love"

I actually think being classy is harder for people to deal with. The high ground. Kinda lets them know more how wrong they are. Somewhere deep inside her psyche is a remnant of who she used to be and never will be again. That was the woman you loved. She is who you need to say goodbye to. The woman who took over her body is not worth talking to.

Be quiet for now. Go dark. This is powerful.

I would go with classy:-) or cold/indifferent.

Nada

Entropy3000 · 08-21-2011, 08:58 PM

Anyway, good luck Sham. You are on the right track.

joe kidd · 08-21-2011, 09:02 PM

Sorry you are even having to deal with this Sham. Be strong .

Whip Morgan · 08-21-2011, 09:04 PM

Agreed, Entropy. Sham is on a rollercoaster for sure, But I think he is on the right track as well. Gotta take care of yourself, personal healing. Who knows, an R could be possible down the road. But for now, work with what you have.
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nada · 08-21-2011, 09:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Entropy3000

Her behavior is unfaithful. I don't care if there was penetration or not. She has not been faithful to her husband. She has shown utter disrespect for him. She has lied. She went on a trip with two guys in secret. When he called her on it she went anyway. The OM has been at least one trip with her.

Whether she is banging anyone or not is not the point. What he knows for sure now is reason enough to divorce her.

He does need to slam the door with her. It does not matter if there was penetration or not.

I bet my next ten paycheck there has. But her behavior is unfaithful. She giggled at him when he wanted sex with her. She is withholding intimacy from him. She has spent a lot of money to perpare her presentation to these males for sexual purposes. Lingerie. Waxing and so on. She went to F^cking Vegas with two F^cking guys in secret and did not want her husband along. HELLOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Un-F^cking-Acceptable.

So he does not need this conjecture now.

People need boundaries. It is not on him. This is her problem. Move on.

I totally agree. She has shown utter disrespect for her partner in life. Are anyone *really* believe she has not been cheating? She shows all the classic signs of a cheating partner. It seems naive to think that she is a loyal trustworthy wife.

Nada

aug · 08-21-2011, 09:26 PM

My suggestions:

1. Keep the ring. It's worth some money and a reminder of things past.

2. Drain the joint bank account now. Why leave the extra $200 or so in there?

3. Do not respond to her text or call.

4. There is plenty of time later to readjust things if need be.

5. Protect self. File divorce.

8yearscheating · 08-21-2011, 09:26 PM

Entropy, I am not in any way suggesting he accept her behaviour. It is wrong and spiteful and very disrectful. If it is a deal breaker for shamwow that is his decision. The OTHER party in this marriage has been tried, convicted and divorced without even a chance to discuss or attempt to change her ways. Money - what is her expense arrangement with her employer? WHen I travelled internationally a trip of that duration with air fare could easily exceed 25K! My previous employer paid me back WHEN I submitted expenses although I could get advances BEFORE I left. I agree she has done a lot things wrong and it all points to something being very wrong. Shamwow is in a state of shock and disbelief. Not a good time to be making long term decisions that many are pushing him towards. Have the discussions face to face then decide.

Whip Morgan · 08-21-2011, 09:34 PM

Another valid point, 8. But that depends on whether she would want to change her ways. And most of all: if Sham wants to stick around. Yes, a face to face will b necessary. But Sham has more than enough to know that she is up to no good. As Entropy tried to get at earlier, this alone could be a dealbreaker. I still believe, though, as time moves on and the dust settles, things could be worked out if both parties work to do so.
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BenDEBONAIR · 08-21-2011, 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 8yearscheating

I'll also add all you have done in your conversations and texting is try to bait her. Never once did you lay out the fact you were preparing to divorce her if she didn't come home. So, she is totally ignorant to all of the machinations you have gone through and built up in your mind. Doe your wife deserve ANY honesty at all from you? I think she does.

*facepalm*

nada · 08-21-2011, 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shamwow

When I go do I leave my ring for effect? Or sell it?

To prepare for your new life, read (or reread) The Game by Neil Strauss. This book is quite encouraging for your way forward and helps to focus on the future.

Best of luck man.

Nada

BenDEBONAIR · 08-21-2011, 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Entropy3000

Her behavior is unfaithful. I don't care if there was penetration or not. She has not been faithful to her husband. She has shown utter disrespect for him. She has lied. She went on a trip with two guys in secret. When he called her on it she went anyway. The OM has been at least one trip with her.

Whether she is banging anyone or not is not the point. What he knows for sure now is reason enough to divorce her.

He does need to slam the door with her. It does not matter if there was penetration or not.

I bet my next ten paycheck there has. But her behavior is unfaithful. She giggled at him when he wanted sex with her. She is withholding intimacy from him. She has spent a lot of money to perpare her presentation to these males for sexual purposes. Lingerie. Waxing and so on. She went to F^cking Vegas with two F^cking guys in secret and did not want her husband along. HELLOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Un-F^cking-Acceptable.

So he does not need this conjecture now.

People need boundaries. It is not on him. This is her problem. Move on.

+1

morituri · 08-21-2011, 09:47 PM

Question time? Who is actually looking after his best interests at this moment, us or his 'wife'?

nada · 08-21-2011, 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri

Question time? Who is actually looking after his best interests at this moment, us or his 'wife'?

BenDEBONAIR · 08-21-2011, 09:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whip Morgan

Another valid point, 8. But that depends on whether she would want to change her ways. And most of all: if Sham wants to stick around. Yes, a face to face will b necessary. But Sham has more than enough to know that she is up to no good. As Entropy tried to get at earlier, this alone could be a dealbreaker. I still believe, though, as time moves on and the dust settles, things could be worked out if both parties work to do so.
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There are no COULDS for this one.
It is exactly this: DEAL BREAKER

Shamwow · 08-21-2011, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 8yearscheating

The OTHER party in this marriage has been tried, convicted and divorced without even a chance to discuss or attempt to change her ways. Money - what is her expense arrangement with her employer? WHen I travelled internationally a trip of that duration with air fare could easily exceed 25K! My previous employer paid me back WHEN I submitted expenses although I could get advances BEFORE I left. I agree she has done a lot things wrong and it all points to something being very wrong. Shamwow is in a state of shock and disbelief. Not a good time to be making long term decisions that many are pushing him towards. Have the discussions face to face then decide.

From Page 5 of this thread:

"The night before she left when we talked I brought up (again) about him calling and texting her so much, and that he clearly had other things in mind than being chatty. And that friends were fine, but if anything started to seem to her like he was trying to move beyond that, particularly a PA, that would be unacceptable and she knew I wouldn't stand for anything like that. She agreed and swore there was nothing to worry about. Clearly she knew I was suspicious now, the temp in the room was up (at least tension-wise) and let the lying commence...................

................So she knew I was suspicious, I DID give her an explicit warning of my concern, and she lied..............."

From Page 8 of thyis thread:

"Me: "Sorry - it does look bad, and I don't think it's cool for you to just go and do this, especially after me asking you not to for obvious reasons. You know that. You're putting yourself in a bad situation with this trip. I know you're a big girl and can take care of yourself, but why even go there? I don't want to tell you what to do, but I pretty much have to here. So I don't know how to fix something like this either, but it seems like the easiest way to start would be to COME HOME, because clearly this weekend is not going to do us any good. Or...since I have the weekend free, I'd love to come out and tear it up with you guys. We always have fun in Party City. Pick one."

I agree, I have not sat her down and said the words "I am without a doubt going to divorce you because of this behavior - right now". But I've certainly not jumped to divorce in my own mind without telling her I won't stand to be treated this way. She hasn't been tried, convicted and sentenced to divorce without possibility of parole or being allowed to consult with her attorney. I've mentioned in the thread that it's always been our explicit agreement that infidelity would mean the other person LEAVING. I think I made it clear that what she was considering (and doing) would be unacceptable to me and she knew what that meant, without saying the words "I am leaving immediately if you do this". That is the only course of action I have left, for myself, for her, and our marriage.

And let's be honest, she hasn't been tried or allowed to argue her case because *she's not here*. I don't think these discussions should for any reason be had over the phone. I can only believe 50% of a person on the phone. In person there's truth in body language.

I hear what you're saying, and I have to admit I'm having trouble embracing the "leave under cover of night" tactic. I would like to have this discussion with her face to face, but I'm not sure what the point would be. Is it possible she really hasn't gotten my point? I guess it's possible. The words I've said were direct, and the manner I said them was calm and direct, but it's very possible she hasn't been shaken or jarred by them, judging by her responses. She either doesn't give a s**t and is flaunting it in my face, or she may give a s**t and I haven't slapped her (proverbially) hard enough to make her realize this is it. Now or never. Wake up and sack up, or *peace out, crazy lady*. So...I am still deciding whether or not to be vacated when she arrives (though I will have anything of consequence packed, and large or important items already off premises). I don't want my marriage to end. But I feel like I have to light it on fire and walk away...and if she decides to try and put out the fire, I'd like to think I might at least pay attention and reassess what's possible in this world. But it has been the one "dealbreaker" that we've always both discussed, so going back on that could do more damage than good in the long term.

As far as the money goes, she spent the majority of the money in question before she left this last time (a week ago), on things that have nothing to do with work. I've never questioned her needing money on the road, yeah, it adds up. She's in charge of a group and she often buys dinner and drinks for the whole gang. Sometimes she has to put hotel rooms, rental cars, computer equipment, etc on our cards and get reimbursed. But what we're talking about is pre-trip spending - cosmetic (hair, skin treatments, waxing), lingerie, and above all, stashing cash for hotel/flight and partying in Vegas. Not business expenses that I'm concerned about.

I also FULLY agree that this is not a good time for me to be making long-term decisions. I asked my buddy what day it was today. He said, "You asked me that the other day too." Clearly I'm reeling. But what can I do besides try to get myself as clear as possible and move forward? If I sit here and pretend all is well for a week or two while I get it "all straightened out in my head" then the time for action will have passed. Again. And she will think everything that has happened is okay by me. And I will be truly deserving of any and all "lack of balls" comments that may arise. I really believe I have to trust my gut and make some s**t happen NOW or I will be kicking myself for years to come. Even if I'm wrong about some things, and even if I jump too far on certain topics, the point will be made that I WILL NOT take what is being presented to me. If I have to feel bad later about finding out I overreacted on one or two things regarding the actions of my wife and the supposed sanctity of our marriage, so be it. That would make me male. If it can't be forgiven, that would be par for the course.