Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!
"Come on you sons of *****es! Do you want to live forever?" Marine Gunnery Sergeant Dan Daly
"All right, they're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of us, they're behind us...they can't get away this time." Marine Lt. General Chesty Puller
What do random military quotes have to do with this situation?
Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!
Did it come from bridges? I do enjoy a good discussion of military history. However, back to Sham. He is not locked into a D; if the 2x4 she is about to get hit with wakes her up, R could be possible. That 2x4 is Sham standing up for himself, having recognized that his wife is acting inappropriately and incredibly disrespectful. Also; she is cheating. I'm still betting a paycheck on that. Sham's 2x4 in this case is his self respect, belief in the value of marriage, refusal to slip into denial and ability to take action. Which takes inner strength to accomplish while on the rollercoaster that this nightmare is. Playin the hand that his wife dealt him.
Who knows what will happen in the future. She could wake up and realize what she is throwing away. Some people may not think so, but I think it might be possible. Of everyone here, 8yr's story of R shows it can work. But both people have to want it. Right now Sham doesn't want an unfaithful lying wife and all she wants is to party it up as a single woman. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!
Quote:
Originally Posted by 8yearscheating
Market Garden was utter failure because Monty did not know the disposition of enemy(lack of full knowledge), did not have contingency plans and alternate route for the main attack that were to back up the paratroopers (assumed one outcome - his) and did not take alternate action when he should have known he was sending his paratroopers in to be slaughtered - last minute knowledge and thinking his main body could catch up when they were stopped. A failure for sticking religously to one plan. Are you trying to draw parallels for me? The toughest general Patton knew he was headed for disaster. Some of George Patton's Quotes:
Always do everything you ask of those you command.
Better to fight for something than live for nothing.
Don't tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results.
If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking.
Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash.
The time to take counsel of your fears is before you make an important battle decision. That's the time to listen to every fear you can imagine! When you have collected all the facts and fears and made your decision, turn off all your fears and go ahead!
For in war just as in loving you must keep on shoving
Or you'll never get your reward.
Don't fight a battle if you don't gain anything by winning.
Fixed fortifications are a monument to the stupidity of man.
My men don't dig foxholes. I don't want them to. Foxholes only slow up an offensive. Keep moving. And don't give the enemy time to dig one either.
I just brought this up. I think you can see the paralells sir. Well done.
I always bring this up when things get like this. It seems to fit most fiascos.
I have been known to suggest to a project manager or two the what they were asking for was a bridge too far ... Then I send to the wikipedia explanation of this. There is great wisdom here of course. But it is open to interpretation as well.
Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!
Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldsApart
"Come on you sons of *****es! Do you want to live forever?" Marine Gunnery Sergeant Dan Daly
"All right, they're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of us, they're behind us...they can't get away this time." Marine Lt. General Chesty Puller
What do random military quotes have to do with this situation?
Everything. He is in the battle of his life. This battle is worth fighting.
Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whip Morgan
Did it come from bridges? I do enjoy a good discussion of military history. However, back to Sham. He is not locked into a D; if the 2x4 she is about to get hit with wakes her up, R could be possible. That 2x4 is Sham standing up for himself, having recognized that his wife is acting inappropriately and incredibly disrespectful. Also; she is cheating. I'm still betting a paycheck on that. Sham's 2x4 in this case is his self respect, belief in the value of marriage, refusal to slip into denial and ability to take action. Which takes inner strength to accomplish while on the rollercoaster that this nightmare is. Playin the hand that his wife dealt him.
Who knows what will happen in the future. She could wake up and realize what she is throwing away. Some people may not think so, but I think it might be possible. Of everyone here, 8yr's story of R shows it can work. But both people have to want it. Right now Sham doesn't want an unfaithful lying wife and all she wants is to party it up as a single woman. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!
Hang tough, Shamwow. Stay the course. You slipped when you talked to her, but you're back on track.
You do have a boatload of circumstantial evidence, but if she chooses to start denying and lying, trying to turn the tables, schedule a polygraph. If she can pass a poly, then you might have something to talk about regarding the future of your marriage.
Shamwow, you do know that a wife who cares about and loves her husband would NEVER plan a trip to Vegas with two other men...and LIE about it? The work travel is already a fatal wound to your marriage. Why on earth would she need to schedule MORE travel away from you? You have nothing to talk about until she admits the truth and shows remorse. I'm not saying you should never talk to her, but listening to more of her lies is just abusive.
Let her stew in her own mess for a while. She knows what she's doing is wrong. She's just hoping to convince you otherwise, because if you believe it, then maybe she can believe the same. DO NOT be home when she returns tomorrow. Go dark until at least the weekend.
Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!
ShamWow. Here's something that might be of interest
I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
Quote:
Just Let Them Go
The end result?
The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
That is the end result.
The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
Nothing else works better or quicker.
Let them go.
Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
Wouldn't that be true love?
If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
But cheating, no excuses.
Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!
Quote:
Originally Posted by librarydragon
, you do know that a wife who cares about and loves her husband would NEVER plan a trip to Vegas with two other men...and LIE about it?
Can I use this or do you have it copyrighted?
Was stewing over what to put on the note w/the papers. 741st draft:
____,
I know what’s been going on.
A wife who loves and cares about her husband does not plan trips with other men…and lie about it. And we both know there’s so much more that you haven’t told me.
If that is marriage to you, I have no choice but to move on. Go live the single life and enjoy.
Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamwow
Can I use this or do you have it copyrighted?
Was stewing over what to put on the note w/the papers. 741st draft:
____,
I know what’s been going on.
A wife who loves and cares about her husband does not plan trips with other men…and lie about it. And we both know there’s so much more that you haven’t told me.
If that is marriage to you, I have no choice but to move on. Go live the single life and enjoy.
- ________
What is good is that you have not revealed anything she has not told you her self.
Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!
Just noticed she texted my buddy for like 20 minutes tonight (gotta stop checking this s**t, seriously), the one who stayed here the other night (guy that introduced us back in the day). I swear I said nothing to him about this mess when we went out that night, but I'm wondering if he sensed something. Ahhh, paranoia.
I guess I was a little aggressive in general, but I've been working out hard for 7 weeks straight, my testosterone is prob through the roof, and he's a workout nut so we talked about that. He travels all the time for work too. Maybe he got some unhappiness from me in our conversation. I really think I was in control. Dammit.
Well, if he did, rock on. She can sweat about it. Her turn. But I swear I said nothing.
Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shamwow
Just noticed she texted my buddy for like 20 minutes tonight (gotta stop checking this s**t, seriously), the one who stayed here the other night (guy that introduced us back in the day). I swear I said nothing to him about this mess when we went out that night, but I'm wondering if he sensed something. Ahhh, paranoia.
I guess I was a little aggressive in general, but I've been working out hard for 7 weeks straight, my testosterone is prob through the roof. He travels all the time for work too. Maybe he got some unhappiness from me in our conversation. Dammit.
Well, if he did, rock on. She can sweat about it. Her turn. But I swear I said nothing.
Dont overthink this (if possible).
I think she's starting to get concerned(?) because you have not responded to her for a while. He's a common friend for you both, so she's probing.
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Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help! 
