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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-16-2011, 11:21 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

When you do confront her - carry a VAR with you. That way if she does confess you'll have it so she can't recant it.
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Old 08-16-2011, 11:28 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

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She seems to have planned things out very well - including leaving her ring behind. You're still operating under the assumption she thinks she's getting away with it.

If were you - I would drain all the cash you can get your hands on. She's run up charge cards - cancel any you can cancel. Her debts are your debts and currently you're financing 50% of the all the stuff she is buying for the guy and her affair.

See the lawyer and get the papers drawn up now. You can always decide not to file down the road.

Since the house is her name and it's under water. Walk. It's her debt to worry about.

Oh, and contact the OM's wife before they get back so she can have her plans in place.

It's clear you're way late to the party. The fact she made a list of what to wear to seduce him and left it behind is a clear sign you're playing catch-up big time.

It's time for you to stop following and take charge and take her down while you're doing it.

Oh, and don't forget to call her employer and his. It sounds like they are using work resources and travel to carry on their affair. They both likely have terms in their contracts that make this forbidden. Burn them both.
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Old 08-17-2011, 12:06 AM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

"She seems to have planned things out very well - including leaving her ring behind. You're still operating under the assumption she thinks she's getting away with it. "

Shaggy...are you saying she's clearly left this evidence behind to piss me off, make sure I know? Testing me to see how I'll react? Or is it possible she just plain thinks I'm not going to notice because she's in la-la-fantasy land and all she can think about is the OM?

The ring I think she left to piss me off and make a point. To tell me what I think is okay doesn't matter to her right now. But the other stuff was in the trash, and maybe she wouldn't imagine me reading stuff from the trash? Jeez, listen to me...like *I* would imagine me reading anything from the trash. But where there's smoke there's fire, and everything seems to be a new clue. As odd as the last few weeks have been, hard to imagine she'd leave anything behind and not think I'd be suspicious enough to check it out. I just don't know, she's not acting like my wife, she's acting like a "stand-in", walks and talks like...but *acts* and *reacts* like a complete stranger.
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Old 08-17-2011, 12:11 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

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"She seems to have planned things out very well - including leaving her ring behind. You're still operating under the assumption she thinks she's getting away with it. "

Shaggy...are you saying she's clearly left this evidence behind to piss me off, make sure I know? Testing me to see how I'll react? Or is it possible she just plain thinks I'm not going to notice because she's in la-la-fantasy land and all she can think about is the OM?

The ring I think she left to piss me off and make a point. To tell me what I think is okay doesn't matter to her right now. But the other stuff was in the trash, and maybe she wouldn't imagine me reading stuff from the trash? Jeez, listen to me...like *I* would imagine me reading anything from the trash. But where there's smoke there's fire, and everything seems to be a new clue. As odd as the last few weeks have been, hard to imagine she'd leave anything behind and not think I'd be suspicious enough to check it out. I just don't know, she's not acting like my wife, she's acting like a "stand-in", walks and talks like...but *acts* and *reacts* like a complete stranger.
People in affairs do not act like the people we knew. They are in a dreamland. She did not leave this stuff to piss you off. She takes you for granted. She does not care if you find out.
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Old 08-17-2011, 12:26 AM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Entropy - I hear ya, but clearly I did find out. Question is whether she will care when she knows that. But I guess I have to put that out of my mind and do what's best for me, because she certainly isn't.

Still wanna go out there tomorrow and suckerpunch this d-bag. Perhaps I could wear a mask and no one would ever know what happened to the poor fellow that night in the hotel parking lot.

Not that she wouldn't deserve something similar, just more akin to her wallet disappearing so she couldn't fly to the weekend getaway without ID. She'd probably ask me to FedEx her passport or something. I could be unavailable, and not receive that message.

Ahhh, revenge. Sounds so sweet, but I know it would do no good. But would be justifiable, and prob make a good screenplay.
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Old 08-17-2011, 12:31 AM   #51 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Note - this all seems so cut and dried right now, but I wonder if it's easier because she's out of town and I'm dealing with this without her around. When she's home next week, how will I react? If she was in the next room while I typed this I would be able to "take my temperature" in a real way. What if I lose my nerve to be so matter-of-fact? Face to face is so much different than having a discussion with myself and inserting what I think she'll reply with. Then again, when she's been here lately it feels like she's out of town anyway...

Just a random thought. Need to steel up.
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Old 08-17-2011, 02:30 AM   #52 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

ruin her weekend - call and chancel the "secret" flight
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Old 08-17-2011, 05:23 AM   #53 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Don't let on what you know in a response to an emotional moment. She will become defiant and cold only causing you more pain. Develop the plan first and implement it in a calculated way.

Revenge is a dish that is best served cold!
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Old 08-17-2011, 07:20 AM   #54 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Sham-

If you decide to call around to find the hotel and you do, I'd avoid flying out there. Instead, call the hotel operator and say you want to buy a bottle of wine from room service as a gift to be placed I to her room, before she arrives. Ask to have a card left with it, saying it's from you. It should get the message across that you know. It would save you a plane ticket, and confrontations with OMs can lead to bad things.
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Old 08-17-2011, 08:24 AM   #55 (permalink)
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Thoughtful bottle of wine in the room. I'd pay to be a fly on the wall to see her jaw drop!
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Old 08-17-2011, 09:43 AM   #56 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

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Note - this all seems so cut and dried right now, but I wonder if it's easier because she's out of town and I'm dealing with this without her around. When she's home next week, how will I react? If she was in the next room while I typed this I would be able to "take my temperature" in a real way. What if I lose my nerve to be so matter-of-fact? Face to face is so much different than having a discussion with myself and inserting what I think she'll reply with. Then again, when she's been here lately it feels like she's out of town anyway...

Just a random thought. Need to steel up.
You need to be aware that your wife will very probably try to gaslight you when you confront her. She will tell you that the affair was your fault, because you mistreated her. She may invent wild stories of abuse to tell your friends and family in order to discredit you, or she may try to explain away things differently than they actually happened.

For example, if you had an argument a month ago, she may describe it as a monumental shift in your relationship that practically forced her into her affair.

Either way, don't fall for it. Some betrayed spouses start to question their own memories of events and wonder if their marriage really was closer to the hellish nightmare the disloyal spouse describes. The more likely scenario is that your wife wasn't blissfully happy because you had a marriage with real problems, the way real-world marriages usually do, so she started banging other men to cure her boredom.

Assuming you want to divorce, I think the most pain you can inflict upon your wife is to stay calm and tell her that you don't intend on fighting for her because she isn't worth fighting for. Appear excited to get back on the dating scene and start doing your own thing. Her affair fantasy may involve you tearfully begging her to stay or you angrily fighting off the competing man.

And as soon as your timetable for exposure comes around, you have to tell the other man's wife. That could put a serious crimp in your wife's lifestyle right there. If he has to break up with your wife because he wants to save his marriage, well then your wife winds up with squat.

Good luck.
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Old 08-17-2011, 11:03 AM   #57 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

PHTLump: "You need to be aware that your wife will very probably try to gaslight you when you confront her. She will tell you that the affair was your fault, because you mistreated her. She may invent wild stories of abuse to tell your friends and family in order to discredit you, or she may try to explain away things differently than they actually happened."


Interesting...have already experienced some of this during recent weeks. When asked about her lack of interest in sex, she actually said "Well, that's never really been our thing." Umm, could've fooled me for the last 8 years. Exact example of rewriting history, and boiling it down to a falsehood designed to hurt me and try to justify her lack of interest.

Will try to keep my memory intact no matter what she says. I'm going to try to listen to what she says and completely disregard that there may be truth in it, and not necessarily feel the need to call her on it. I'll try to just focus on her actions and remember who it is I'm dealing with right now. The "stand-in". If she wants to be honest with me, at this point I think I'll notice the difference.
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Old 08-17-2011, 11:07 AM   #58 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

Also, realizing I really need to really focus on my work, as this whole situation has turned into a 24-hr obsession since the discoveries of the last few days. Have to get serious work done, while trying to get my mind and affairs in order for the experience to come next week. Gotta try to focus. Wish I knew how to meditate.
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Old 08-17-2011, 11:17 AM   #59 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

As someone already suggested, present her with the divorce papers IF she lashes out at you when you inform her that you know about her double life. Unless her affair is an exit type of affair, your showing her the divorce papers will hit her like a sucker punch - a hit she wasn't prepared for. Try it.
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Old 08-17-2011, 02:11 PM   #60 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife travels a lot, sex life has stalled, worried - help!

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Also, realizing I really need to really focus on my work, as this whole situation has turned into a 24-hr obsession since the discoveries of the last few days. Have to get serious work done, while trying to get my mind and affairs in order for the experience to come next week. Gotta try to focus. Wish I knew how to meditate.
Do two things today and then put your mind to other things. First, talk to a lawyer. Second, call and hire a PI in the city she is going to this weekend. Give him her name, some pictures of her, her flight information, email, phone #, etc. and tell him you want a dossier and evidence on what she does this weekend and with whom (telling him you suspect an affair). Then, that's it. Just go and do other things. Your lawyer will advise you from here on out, and the PI will provide you (and the court) definitive information by early next week.

It will cost a little $, but it is the right way to handle it. BTW, only confront your wife when your lawyer agrees.
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