How to get passed husband's emotional affair
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-15-2011, 12:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy How to get passed husband's emotional affair

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have had a few ups and downs over the course of our marriage thus far, but I have felt that things are getting better and better each day. Last year we relocated to a city away from any friends or family for his job. We have a 5 year old daughter who I have been staying at home with, rather than working. Over the last few months my husband has been acting distant, and preoccupied. About 6 weeks ago, I found numerous inappropriate text messages between him and a woman he works with. There was nothing that implied that they were together physically, but enough there to make me upset. I confronted him about it, he said it was just flirty conversation, that I shouldnt be worried about it, but he realized that it was inappropriate and it would stop.

I continued checking his phone records, and two weeks later there was an all day texting conversation between the two of them that was erased from his phone. Again, I brought it up, this time more upset. Again, he apologized, said it was nothing. That she was a nice person, and boosted his ego a little, but they have never so much as seen eachother outside of work, again apologized, said it would stop.

Over the past month, things have seemed much better between the two of us, and we even spent a few days together alone while our child was spending time at grandma's. I began to feel that maybe I had overreacted a bit, and felt confident in my marriage once again.

This past weekend, I had to go retrieve our daughter from grandmas, where I stayed for a few days. When I got home, I was using his computer when I saw that the two of them had exchanged Facebook messages late into the night. The conversation began with him asking her to come over, and them discussing the fact that they shouldnt be talking anymore. The messages did confirm that they had never spent time together outside work, but she also described how hurt she was because of it, and how much she cares about him. It implied that it was her decision for them to stop talking because she didnt want to be a homewrecker, and she apologized to him for not stopping it sooner. He stated that he was sad they couldnt see where it would go, but he knows it is a tough position. Despite this, the conversation still ended with him asking her to get drinks with him the next night, where she changed the subject.

AGAIN, I confronted him, this time livid, and ready to leave! I told him how betrayed I felt that he would still pursue this after everything. Obviously there was more going on than just nonsense flirting. He apologized, said that he was being stupid. He swore up and down that it was over, that he didnt want to lose me. That he will fix it, and prove to me that he is serious.

I want to make things work. How can I trust him after all of this. I have been crying non stop for the past day and a half. They are still going to see eachother at work, that is going to make me crazy! I told him that I need to talk to her and clear the air, if they are going to be working together. I have talked to her a few times in the past and would have never suspected this. I feel like I need to tell her how I'm feeling (in a rational way) in order to move on. I don't even know if that will work. I feel like I will never be able to get past this, and feel secure about my marriage. I want to believe him. This whole thing is so out of character for him. He has never been the type to lie or seek another womans attention. I feel like I dont even know him anymore. How do I know he just wont once again find a sneakier way of continuing this thing. I am left sitting at home while he works, hardly knowing anyone around here, and scared to leave for fear that while I'm gone this will continue and the other woman may cave into his requests.

Sorry for the long post, I am ranting I know. I appreciate anyone's insight.
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Old 08-15-2011, 04:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get passed husband's emotional affair

Sorry you find yourself here. I have heard the "being stupid" comment from the OM involved with my wife.
He made the decision to have the EA. Rebuilding trust takes time and work, especially from him. If he is really serious he will tell you the whole truth about his relationship with this woman and then be completely transparent with you about all his communications and activities, from now on, until YOU feel you trust him.
Without trust in a marriage what do we have?
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Old 08-16-2011, 06:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get passed husband's emotional affair

Can you ever realy trust someone I dont understand why he doing what he does with OW but I can see there is something wrong in you mge try and take some time to think. Sometime our Mge kind of take a wayside to the rest of lifes hurdles. Also I know you are angry at him,but talk to him and find out if there`s something missing in your Mge.

Mge is a constanstant work in progress,I am there too.
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Old 08-16-2011, 10:36 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks for your replies. We had a long discussion after I discovered the second set of text messages. I agree with you, that we let a lot of things take priority over our marriage. Moving to a new town, and having a 5 year old has made it difficult to have nights to ourself over the past 6 months or so. We agreed on a number of ways we can improve things, and I thought we were doing a really good job. Over the last month we have made improvements. We made efforts to have our daughter spend time at with her grandparents to give us a few days of "freedom". Things seemed to be going really well. Then when I had to leave for the weekend, I come back to find that not only is he still talking to her, but inviting her to come to our home, and go out for drinks.

When things weren't going well in our marriage and he was talking to her, I felt like at least I could take actions to fix what was wrong and I wouldnt have to worry about the OW. Now, it seems like I can never feel at ease, because it seems like even if things feel fine he may still be thinking about her.

The fact that he was the one coming on to her, and she seemed to be the one who was taking my family into consideration makes me very upset. I mean, I am thankful that at least one of them had the courtesy to think about it, I just wish it would have been my H. So now, I'm left feeling that he is working on our marriage because he really has no other option. She doesn't want to be a homewrecker, so it makes it easier for him to stay.

He says that he will fix things, and prove to me that he is sincere. And the past couple of days he has tried to go above and beyond with being affectionate, calling me while he is at work, bringing me home little gifts. But I can't help but feel like he is doing it because he feels guilty. That this is not a long term adjustment, just something to make me stop talking about it.

This thing is absolutely consuming me. I feel so alone here. I can't talk to my family about it because I don't want them to hold a grudge. I have told my sister, who is my best friend, about the previous incidents, but this one is so much worse. Honestly, I just feel stupid and inadequate. I'm embarrassed about the whole thing. And now it is just eating away at me all day, everyday.

I appreciate this website very much. Reading everyone's stories have made me feel not so alone in all of this.
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Old 08-16-2011, 11:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get passed husband's emotional affair

clb0208,

First off..."I just feel stupid and inadequate. I'm embarrassed about the whole thing. And now it is just eating away at me all day, everyday" This is normal, you might even try to blame yourself about your husbands affair.

Do not make this mistake!

You are not in anyway responsible! The pressures of moving, getting into a new job, being away from friend and family are all just a smoke screen...do not allow that excuse to take root.

A word about confronting the OW: I have never been a fan of this. I just think that it makes a sticky situation even more hard to manage. Lets be honest....if she didn't want to become a home-wrecker she would have never let it go as far as it has. She is not in your corner...believe me. You can never really be sure of how someone inside the marriage is going to react when confronted...let alone some stranger outside the marriage. In the short run it might make you feel better, but in the long run you might just be playing right into the story he has surrounded himself with..it's hard to say. Be careful.

best wishes,

GM
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Old 08-16-2011, 12:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get passed husband's emotional affair

clb0208,

I wish there was a recipe I could give you to make this better. Your situation is very similar to mine. I am a few months out from D-Day and it is better. My WW was very attentive after I found out the truth and still is 2 months later, I(we) still have bad days but at least not everyday now.

For me there were 4 wks between the first time asked my wife about the A and D-Day. After D-Day she brought up things I about our marriage in the context of "I did it because", which sucks. She now owns the A as her decision 100%. That is what I needed. We are working on R now.

Try to be strong and remember 2 people made a decision about your marriage and you were NOT 1 of them.

Also, I knew the OM and contacted him to confirm the A but every situation is different.
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Old 08-16-2011, 02:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thanks for the reassurance GM. I keep telling myself that it isn't my fault. I think deep down I know that, but it seems like it would almost be easier if it was me. Then I would have some control. The lack of control is the hardest part for me.

My H wants to put everything behind us, and move forward. Its like he acts like everything is fine. I can't seem to shake the thoughts yet. Everything is drowned in this layer of sorrow right now. He says that he understands that it is his responsibility to prove things to me, and has been supportive in the fact that I still need to talk about it.

Heartbrkn- I'm happy to hear that you are slowly but surely moving forward in your R. You give me hope that things will get better eventually. I hope that this is just a mysterious way that is supposed to strengthen my marriage in the long run. I am finding it difficult to accept the future. When my H talks even about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans, I can't help but to think in my head "Well, we will see if you can not F things up before then". Right now everything feels like it has a "pending" status in life. Are you happy that you contacted the OM, or would you do it differently.

He had all of the excuses the first time I brought it up, but now he has owned it. I think he realizes that our problems may have cracked the door for this A, but he kicked it wide open.

We didn't really talk about the situation yesterday. He is supposed to be having a talk with the OW today about the fact that I discovered their conversation, and he will not be contacting her outside work any further. I plan on talking about a few things tonight, since I have had some time to process my feelings, and zone in on the details that upset me most.

I still feel the need to talk to her. I have been reading that NC is the most important part of our R. The fact that they still work together makes that impossible, this worries me. I am understanding the "addict" behavior associated with these things, and it makes a lot of sense to me. I worry that him seeing her regularly will trigger those feelings for him. I am bound to see the OW at work functions, or even when I am just stopping by. My thoughts were by talking to her, I may be able to shed some of the akwardness and anger before I have to see her in a situation that may not allow for that. Plus, it may help me with some closure. Plus the fact that my H is trying to shy me away from it makes me want to even more.
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Old 08-16-2011, 03:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I still struggle with accepting what has happenened and what will be the future.

I had (still have) the pending feeling. The wayward is always on a different plane than the BS. My wife did not think I would consider divorce and just recently realized how close I was.

I HAD to contact the OM because my wife was still in fog and would not even admit the A. I made him believe I had enough evidence to get him divorced and fired so felt confident I would get the truth. That was my trump card for NC as well, as I told him and my wife all bets were off if there was contact. Don't think I could go forward with R without NC.
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Old 08-16-2011, 03:56 PM   #9 (permalink)
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My worst days have been when I felt(for whatever reason) that my wife was rushing me to be over this. Don't expect it to go quickly. Everyone heals on their own schedule. Try to tell your H what triggers you. I say try because they don't always understand and you may not know a trigger before it happens.
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Old 08-16-2011, 04:21 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I'm not really sure what I want out of contacting the OW yet. I don't know if I want her to feel guilty, if maybe that will cause her to stay away. She obviously played a huge role in where all this went, but as I said before, my H was the persuer. I think it is mainly for me to vent my frustrations, and make sure she understands what I'm feeling. Again, not that it really matters. I am worried that with them working together, I will have to akwardly share the same room with her at some point. I would rather face it now than later.

My H says it isn't a good idea. That he doesn't want to have an akward work environment ( I think he has already created that if you ask me), and that it isn't really her fault. He thinks that she is worried that she may get a phone call from me screaming at her. This of course is not how I plan on addressing it. I am a civil person, even during these circumstances.

Ultimately, I am unsure about how to handle this. I guess I can add that to the list of things I'm unsure about. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I am looking in the wrong place for a quick fix to my emotional instability. I doubt it would give me any closure in the long run.

I just hate that he still has to see her.
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Old 08-16-2011, 05:01 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Once again I wish I could say "this is what you should do". I was unsure about calling the OM, ultimately I did it because I needed something black and white.

I did contact him 1 more time to confirm that some of what my W told me was true.

The fact that they will have contact and you may have contact with her will be difficult for sure.

He would be helping you a great deal if he could get separation from her or better yet permanent NC.
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Old 08-16-2011, 11:43 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get passed husband's emotional affair

clbo208,

"I just hate that he still has to see her."

I had to deal with the exact same thing since it was a coworker that my spouse was involved with. In the end, there was no way I was ever going to be OK with them working together. My wife ultimately gave up her job, which really showed me she was serious about patching things up with me. Lets face it...a job is just that..a job...not worth losing your marriage over it.

And yes...he's the one that made his work life uncomfortable. Not you!

best wishes,

GM
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Old 08-17-2011, 10:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
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clbo208,


Lets face it...a job is just that..a job...not worth losing your marriage over it.
I agree with you that a job is just a job. The problem is that my husband is a partner at his job. He is the boss. We have invested a good portion of our savings for him to have this position. And he has signed a contract. We relocated for this job, and since I have had to stay home with our daughter I haven't been working. I wish that he could change jobs easily and make this part of the problem go away. He has been talking to his boss about the possibility of him relocating again, back to where we moved from (hoping and praying).

I had mentioned the idea of him getting rid of her, but I understand the possible issues surrounding that. Especially considering he was the one pursuing her. Maybe deep down my intentions of talking to her are trying to guilt her into quitting. I wouldn't hold my breath for that one though.

I spent some time after my daughter went to sleep last night writing down my thoughts. Venting on paper the anger that is relentlessly building inside. I have used this outlet for my saddness since I was a kid.

When my husband got home last night, I asked him if he talked to the OW and made it clear that the relationship is to be strictly business. According to him, she completely understood and agreed. I believe this because all of her recent communication to him has been evidence that despite her feelings, she feels bad and thinks its best for him to focus on his marriage. He said it was an extremely akward conversation, since most of their talk has been done via text and fb. I'm sure having to say things face to face was different.

Again, I vented how I had been feeling. How difficult things are for me. He says he understands that it is going to take time, and he doesn't want me to think that he is becoming impatient with me. He is willing to listen to my frustrations, even if I repeat myself (which is often). He says he is deleting her from his friends on facebook, and he will prove to me that he means what he is saying.

I told him that I still feel like I need to talk to her. He is not in favor of it, but he says if it is something I need to do then he understands. I think he is trying to save the OW from an akward conversation, not necessarily hiding anything.

I am feeling slightly better today, but I know that I have a long road ahead of me. I have been trying to block these thoughts by praying for strength. Luckily, my church has a big 4 day event this week. I need it!
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Old 08-17-2011, 01:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Could someone else supervise her? No company wants to deal with a harassment issue.
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Old 08-17-2011, 09:02 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Could someone else supervise her? No company wants to deal with a harassment issue.
Her position is supervised by both my H and his partner. He doesn't necessarily have to directly supervise her. They more or less have to coordinate certain aspects of the business. For the most part they just share a common space, and may have to speak to eachother periodically. She works part time for now, I hear that my H's business partner wants to offer her a more full time position with more responsibilities (Great). I think she has handled enough if you ask me.

I don't see a way around them working together honestly. It bothers me, and I am trying to find a way to find peace with it. My main worry is that seeing her will trigger whatever feelings he has and make him want to talk to her. He tries to tell me that he is done with it. And described his need to talk to her the last time as being just a "routine" he was used to, but he knows that it is stupid. This kind of falls in line with the addiction- like feelings he may have.

I am not looking forward to whatever akward confrontation I may have with her in the future.
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