NC, forever. No hello, merry Christmas, happy birthday, happy thanksgiving, happy new year, happy July 4th. Not even a simple hello. Not even, hi.
Can you you do that for the marriage. Answer, NO.
This is were you say "fine, then its over". She is not over the affair and considered how she reacted she won't be for some time.
She needs a reality check. Move forward as if you are going full blast towards a D and tell her to make plans to move out and be tough about it. Hopefully after a couple of months of this (it won't happen overnight) she'll start to wake up to reality.
Until she WANTS to be NC with the OM, you will be in limbo and won't be able to trust her. I'm surprised she didn't just lie and say she would NC the OM but her feelings for him must still be pretty strong which shows she is nowhere near ready to R. You have to take the tough love approach and put your foot down, no negotiating.
What she is doing is very disrespectful to you and she is still trying to defend him. You can't allow yourself to put up with this or you will be seen as a doormat. The only way to pull her towards you now is to try to push her away.
Well it started with, are you willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work? The reply, yes I will do whatever it takes...
NC, forever. No hello, merry Christmas, happy birthday, happy thanksgiving, happy new year, happy July 4th. Not even a simple hello. Not even, hi.
Can you you do that for the marriage. Answer, NO.
Then I say, let's call her now, no don't w says. I explain, I'm very serious, this is no joke what so ever.
Lastly, I explain. If do not get it by the end of the day Wed, will get a lawyer on Thursday.
Good job TIB! An fine example of the concept of 'man-up' in action.
Women don't respect men who are doormats and you certainly proved to your wife that you are no doormat who will allow her to shamelessly emasculate him. Just ask some of the female forum members like Jellybeans, Enchantment, Catherine602, etc.
Sounds pretty good, actually. Of course she doesn't want to give up talking to him. Like any addict, she thinks she can 'handle' contact and not get sucked back into fullblown addiction. She is wrong.
She is shamed. That's good. Does she know her mom knows? Urge her to talk to her mom. Let her know they don't hate her, they are concerned and just want to talk to her to figure out what happened. She needs to talk to them. She needs to see she can cut it off with him and still be ok with the family. Since they're second cousins, you have a fair chance of ensuring they don't come in contact but, if not, you're going to have to consider moving if you want to save your marriage.
And remember, you MUST see a lawyer on Thursday if she refuses to your list. To do anything BUT that immediately puts you down under her feet in her mind. Just seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you have to complete it. Heck, you can even go all the way through divorce and still end up together. But she MUST see you adamant about NC or your marriage is doomed.
What's going on with him? Have you talked to him? Now might be a good time to give him a call and let him know everyone else knows and are NOT happy.
I did speak to him 2wks ago. He said not to D. Not to lawye r up. He will stop all contact. Till this day, he's kept his word. Got a msg from W saying I will get the letter tonight. For me to stop telling her family about our problems. She says,I told you the truth. Be a man and face that . Leave my family alone. Well, she has told me how she feels about him the whole time. It's the lack of changing that, that gets me upset. I'll have to wait and see how it view tonight. If my gut tells me this is BS. I'm out. I can't go though this much longer. Posted via Mobile Device
Don't let her anger and belittling remarks (be a man) get to you. Just ignore them; address them later in therapy. fwiw, this may become a pattern of hers - to try to demasculate you that way, to get you to back down. Recognize it for what it is.
Honestly, you lucked out. Most waywards, when they find out you exposed, blow up like no other!
And she has to go cold turkey for her feelings for him to die off. It may take a while. But in the meantime, you have to show her that you are a better choice. What are you doing toward that?
Got a msg from W saying I will get the letter tonight. For me to stop telling her family about our problems. She says,I told you the truth. Be a man and face that . Leave my family alone.
Remember, she is now ashamed of herself. In the affair fog, they reason away all obstacles (oh, everyone will be happy for us, it doesn't matter that we're second cousins, they'll just see how happy we are and be ok).
Now she's seeing the reality, when faced with dealing with her mother's disapproval. Powerful stuff.
She may be shame-filled for quite some time; and it may make her stubborn to NOT give you what you want to hear.
Ignore her words. Watch her actions. That's all that matters at this point.
So far, I've told her that I want for you to work this out. I want to got to MC right away so we can start repairing this marriage. She knows I'm not just saying it but I mean it. I have not pushed her away. And I make it clear that it's her decision to make. She know were I stand.
Oh she'll her wish for you to 'be a man' in spades when you divorce her immature a**. Then you will be free to find a real woman to share your life with.
That he's not looking for a long term relationship. OM moves around from job to job a couple times a year. Guess all OM wants to do is play.
This indicates nothing will really come of their relationship and she will get hurt. Have you ever asked her what she is getting out of her relationship with the OM ?? It kind of appears like she is living in fantasy land with this guy.
W never really indicated what she wanted from the OM. Just wanted to be with him. No contact for 1.5wks. W indicates she will not make any attempt, but that's hard to believe. I'm still hopeful this next step will get us to recovery. Just have to wait and see.
From what you're writing, your wife seems to be a prime candidate to resume contact, if the affair isn't underground already. She does not seem to display any sense of remorse over this, other than getting caught. Lashing out at you for exposure is a result of no longer having her fantasy affair land. Doing a good job so far. I agree with an above post, I do think there is potential to save this. However, I commend you on your willingess to walk away from a cheating spouse. That is an example of self-respect that some BSs in other threads struggle with.
and as for that "be a man" nonsense. No man would step aside in his marriage willingly and be his Number 2 choice to his adulterous wife. She might change her tune when you speak with a lawyer about options to end the current joke of a marriage and protect yourself. Then she can enjoy her other "real" man.
Some more msg throughout the day. Like the family will know now. It's our business only. The oldest son tells her grandma us crying all morning. Tries to bring up something that I did a very long time ago, its minut compares to this. I just said, you haven't changed yet. What do you plan to do so we can move forward, already? Response, what do you mean? In order to stop this I said lets talk tonight so we can understand each other. Now I wait Posted via Mobile Device
This indicates nothing will really come of their relationship and she will get hurt. Have you ever asked her what she is getting out of her relationship with the OM ?? It kind of appears like she is living in fantasy land with this guy.
Actually not a bad idea, if you can stand to hear it, to ask her what she saw in him. You NEED to hear it because, whatever it was, she wasn't getting it from you. And THAT is what YOU need to fix.
Some more msg throughout the day. Like the family will know now. It's our business only. The oldest son tells her grandma us crying all morning. Tries to bring up something that I did a very long time ago, its minut compares to this. I just said, you haven't changed yet. What do you plan to do so we can move forward, already? Response, what do you mean? In order to stop this I said lets talk tonight so we can understand each other. Now I wait Posted via Mobile Device
It's going to take a while for her shame to wash over. Just step back and let it. Do NOT engage with her right now, nor tonight! All you will get is why IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. She's scrambling right now to (1) continue to get her fix of OM, (2) shake off the guilt so it's on YOUR shoulders and not hers, (3) figure out how to look her mom and others in the eye again.
NONE of this is your problem. She has to own it. She has to hit rock bottom, she has to fear losing you, she has to acknowledge what she did is wrong. Without all that, she'll just wait and cheat again.
Re: this is bad 
