Give her one day to think about it. Then carry on with your consequences. It's the #1 best way I've ever seen to get WWs to cave and realize they can't eat cake.
I know that the exposure is really getting to her. W not talking much about it. Just indicates she's sorry and to trust her. Not being able to face members of the family that know..
We've been talking. I have made those comments this evening. I'm letting the letter topic simmer at the moment. W indicates she is ready to make this marriage work. Assures me she will not disappoint me ever again. To let her prove herself to me. I still have my reservations. I'm afraid that this could happen again.
I'm letting the letter topic simmer at the moment. W indicates she is ready to make this marriage work. Assures me she will not disappoint me ever again. To let her prove herself to me. I still have my reservations. I'm afraid that this could happen again.
Her words of reassurance are meaningless, you know that. One action that would speak volumes is her giving that NC letter to the OM (in person with you by her side). But it's your decision, I just hope you chose wisely.
As much as I want to believe her, I can't. She should be able to get the address from him by calling him directly. She's not willing because of the shame. That part is killing her. I can only offer, write the letter or D. Your choice. She just doesn't want to send the letter. Her sister also asked what that is going to accomplish.
Today, I've indicated that a NC letter needs to be sent. She's still asking me to trust her. I still don't know how. W says, I've let you down, just believe in me, I will do all that's needed to work on this marriage. I'm seeking counsel. Maybe then W will see I'm serious. Also going to MC asap, that may help also.
I'm confused- is she not agreeing to NC or just not agreeing to send the OM a NC letter?
if it's the latter, how about an alternative? Have her sign a NC agreement, stating that she will never contact the OM again and if OM attempts to contact her she must ignore it and inform you about it right away. Any infringement of this NC will result in immediate divorce.
Today, I've indicated that a NC letter needs to be sent. She's still asking me to trust her. I still don't know how. W says, I've let you down, just believe in me, I will do all that's needed to work on this marriage. I'm seeking counsel. Maybe then W will see I'm serious. Also going to MC asap, that may help also.
I don't understand what her reticence is about sending OM a NC letter.
I can see her fear of contacting her MOM, or OM's mom - THAT would include shame.
Sending OM a NC letter? There IS no shame in that if she truly chooses you - she is gaslighting you, dude.
Try what I said - go home, pick up the phone, dial his number, and hand her the phone and say 'Tell him RIGHT NOW to never contact you again.' If she refuses, you know what to do.
It is possible to send from e-mail to a cell phone.
No matter how sincere a person sounds. The only true sincerity is when they HAPPILY AND WILLINGLY do the actions that you require (nc letter, sharing passwords, transparency). In other words, if she really wants to save her marriage, she would be thrilled that there is an action she can take that the enables that.
She is happily and willingly do stop fb, I might have her deactivate the account. She's agreed to transparency in everything. Access to everything. She fears contacting OM mom because of shame. I will use turner's advice. I know the OM will not answer, he's cut all contact. But it's the attempt that I want to see. Is she willing to do it. If he does and no answer, then I'll have her send email VIA text. Will have to wait for this evening. Going to search for same letters. Thanks everyone. Posted via Mobile Device
Have you explained to her that sending the NC isn't just about telling the guy not to contact her. It's also very much an act of her meeting her shame face to face and through the act and words of the NC saying that she is accepting that the selfish attack against the marriage and her husbands soul, is her fault and something she is remorseful for.
It is a act of growth and commitment on her part to start taking responsibility.
For her not to do it - well that show's that she is not ready to face and accept responsibility and she is still trying to duck away from dealing with her actions.
TIB - I worry that if you let her shy away from doing it, she'll learn that other things that are hard work in saving the marriage are also negotiable.
Good point. She may just be looking at it as YOUR way of shaming her. Explain the psychological aspect of it, of the act physically and mentally cutting off the affair. Show her that you're not doing it to harm her, but rather to help the marriage.
She is still being selfish----she must become SELFLESS
The reason she sends the letter is if for no other reason, it is a symbol---it says to the world, I am fully invested in my mge., and I WILL DO ANYTHING TO MAKE IT WORK
Your wife obviously will not do ANYTHING to make it work---she refuses to send a letter telling her lover from her OWN MOUTH---I want my mge., to work, leave me alone, stay away from me
Your wife at this point is doing NOTHING to make the mge work---agreeing to no facebook, and a transparent phone---SO WHAT---she refuses the symolism of telling the lover I am going to work on my mge., and be a faithful wife from this moment on
No letter---tell her to find herself, an atty., to defend a D., action---leave the same message with every member of her family---if she doesn't like it---tooooo bad---she is the one refusing to right her wrongs---she is the one who will sacrifice her kids, to split homes, SHE IS NOT A REMORSEFUL, DO ANYTHING TO MAKE THIS MGE. WORK, wife at this time.
We spoke once today. W wants to go out to dinner alone. I said good we could talk one last time. No letter, seeing lawyer on Monday. Enough with these games. I'm too tired. As a final chance I'm willing to see MC asap. But I don't know if that will help. It'll be funny if the MC tells her about NC letter. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: this is bad 
