TIB, anger and bitterness are your true enemies, exponentially much worse than any OM you encounter. If you feed them, they will take permanent residency in your heart and will poison you life. Make a conscious decision that no matter what happens to your marriage that you will not allow these toxic twins a place in your heart and soul.
That reminded me of the story of the old Cherokee talking to his grandson. That story has been posted here a couple of times on other threads, but it's been a while.
Basically, the grandfather is telling the boy that inside of him are 2 wolves fighting. One is good, with a description of all that entails. One is bad, including anger and bitterness. These two wolves are constantly fighting inside of him and each one of us.
The boy asked which one will win.
The wise man answered, "The one I feed."
It's easy to feed that bad wolf in our situation. Starve him and he will get weaker. It's easier said than done, but you (and I) have to make a conscience effort to do it or that damn bad wolf will take over.
Thanks. Didn't look at it that way. I don't drink by the way, not even beer. Just have a ****tail once in a while.
What had me upset last night was resistance to another request. To delete all past emails from OM. At first W refused but now I'm told it will get done. Let's see. Same goes for 4 pics that's on the phone. This additional challenge almost broght me to a boiling point. I don't know how I was able to sleep. I guess praying a lot is helping. I hope to to find anything going on secretly, that will blow the lid off.
Lastly, W tell me she cannot force any that doesn't want to be with her to be with her. It got tense...
I hope I am wrong, but the way I read this sentence is she wants to be with him, but can't force him to be with her.
After my wife's EA ended, she gave me everything he had sent her including a first run comic book. I even requested that she give me a page out of an old scrapbook that had a picture of him from high school, he wasn't the only person on the page. She tried to say that that picture was irrelevant to the EA and so was the comic, but I told her she could keep absolutely nothing related to him if she wanted to stay. She needs to get rid of it all.
TIB - I can tell you from first hand experience running in circles adn beating a bunch of requirements to DEATH with her will only cause her to draw back into a shell and want to go back to where the grass appears greener (fed with bull hockey) and there are not challenges, interrogations or tears. When I said contain and control your anger and rage can I guess you are interrogating, yelling, making harsh comments about how terrible she is even if it's just by saying how hurt you are? You are justified in your feelings, you have been ripped apart emotionally. In order for her to open up and be honest, you have to NOT make her want to hide and NOT want ot only tell you what you want to hear to avoid your wrath.
This is a teleseminar about how to get your husband to talk - while it's your wife who is the WS, the advice given deals with how NOT to approach the WS and a majority of it yuo should learn to apply right away.
Look around and listen. She has done terrible things. In the long term whether you R or D you will have to be able to deal with her. I know you still love her and if things started moving the right way yuo would R. You just have to be patient. You also at some point have to look at yourself and ask - what was I doing that she repeatedly complained about and I blew off. Are there things YOU can do to be the better choice?
Hey Bad---Don't bother to go to the MC-------Your wife is still in her A.
Look at the facts---refuses to send NC item----refuses to delete, e-mails, texts, pictures----he is still on her mind 24/7
You are banging your head agst a wall
She says she will delete FB, and give you access to her phone----that isn't gonna stop her from contacting him---if she really wants to talk to him
Things like this, for the wondering spouse do not go away COLD TURKEY----he is still there with her, every minute of every day---she went way to far, and did way to many things with him, to just cut things off
How do you know cuz he says he won't have any more contact, that he isn't lying----I am very sure he has the same feelings for your wife, that she does for him, and he has become a proven cheater, who did not stop himself, nor your wife, WHEN HE KNEW HE WAS WRECKING YOUR HOME, THE HOME OF A FAMILY MEMBER, which makes it all the worse.
I really am not sure how you put a stop to this---but I do know this, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for her not to send a NC item of some kind---it is directly to him, no one else need ever know about it, cept the 3 of you---SO WHAT IS THE REAL REASON, THE REAL, WHY, SHE REFUSES TO SEND THE ITEM--------is it that she is still in her A.?????---Is it that she is giving you lip service, just to make sure her life style doesn't change, and you don't stop financing her living??????
If you and the kids were foremost in her mind, and SHE WAS A TRULY REMORSEFUL WW---she would do ANYTHING, AND EVERYTHING, ON HER OWN---to make this right
Don't even bother with MC, at this point in time, it is a waste of money----don't bother with anything toward R.----YOUR WIFE IN HER MIND, AND MAYBE IN REALITY IS STILL IN HER A.----
Until the A., actually ends, and you get proof/signs that it really is over, counseling will not help----the counseling is to put the mge., back together---right now you do not have a mge., you have a wife who is giving you lip service, of some of what you wanna hear, so she can maintain HER LIFESTYLE.
The only reason for no nc letter is because she's been shamed very bbadly because OM mom know. That she could never see her face again. I explain the one that needs it is thge OM not mom. Also explained that she's not willing to do ANY thing for the marriage. As I insisted her reply is, she can't forec someone to stay with her if they dom't want to. What the hell is that. What good is the letter going to do. Same with the pic. Why delete it if he's always going to be family. He'll is inn my head. Same for the text. I gety a text in the am saying all will be deleted. I find an app that was download call incredmail. Anyone familiar with it? Looks like somthing fishy is going to happen. All tools running, hope I don't catch something. I'll be civil this weekend. Posted via Mobile Device
TIB, you may not hope to catch something, but there is something there. You may not catch it, but you know in your gut this affair has continued deep underground or will resume shortly.
I really hope this thread doesn't become a long, drawn out nightmare of inacton similar to Disbelief and HurtinginTN's stories. I dont think it will, though. You've got some rock solid advice from people here.
"•IncrediMail is a friendly program, easy and a lot of fun to use
•Plenty of stationery and multimedia content is available for IncrediMail
•IncrediMail offers fast search and can organize email folders in a useful fashion
•IncrediMail supports IMAP accounts only in a very limited and rudimentary way
•Secure, encrypted email messaging is not available in IncrediMail
•IncrediMail does not offer templates, text snippets and learning filters for efficient email use
•IncrediMail lets you access multiple POP, IMAP (download-only) email accounts.
•Large collections of stationery, animations, emoticons and sounds can be used in IncrediMail emails.
•IncrediMail sports animated new mail notifiers, 3D effects and animations throughout.
•Basic message rules, a fast search engine, flags and folder filters help you organize email in IncrediMail.
•You can set up IncrediMail to accept only mail from approved senders into your inbox.
•IncrediMail Protection Center, a subscription service, filters spam and alerts you about links to harmful sites in emails.
•IncrediMail can block remote images in emails (problematic privacy-wise) and lets you bounce mail.
•It is easy to transfer IncrediMail data and settings to a new computer. Paid option IncrediBackup offers simple backups.
•Anonymous usage data collected by IncrediMail identifies the most popular letters and other content.
•IncrediMail supports Windows XP/Vista/7.
Guide Review - IncrediMail 2 6.26 - Free Email Program
Email is most fun when it works — and includes flashy trinkets, too.
Of the latter, IncrediMail has plenty: you can send and receive messages using rich formatting, of course, or apply rich stationery (called IncrediMail letters), add handwritten signatures, send e-cards, insert sounds and what not; you can also change IncrediMail's (somewhat homespun) interface with themes, have animated characters announce new mail and have typewriter sounds accompany your, well, typing.
IncrediMail also works. It downloads mail faithfully from multiple (POP and IMAP, including, e.g., Windows Live Hotmail, Gmail and AOL Mail, of course) accounts into ever growing folders. Thanks to handy search functions, you can focus on certain messages — say, mail from a particular sender, attachments or unread emails — easily in a folder or, of course, search all your archive for keywords and characteristics swiftly.
What is true for emails also applies to people: they are easy to add and to find, can have distinguishing icons or pictures assigned. IncrediMail will also suggest likely people to remember based on your correspondence patterns, and managing groups is a breeze.
Unfortunately, IncrediMail is not so helpful and courteous with composing messages. You can set up signatures, of course, and have IncrediMail send out-of-office replies; IncrediMail does not, however, include message templates or text snippets for faster answers. Free-form message labels or self-learning folders to organize mail in a very personal or totally automatic manner are missing as well.
You can subscribe to a capable spam filter, though, and IncrediMail comes with messages filters that muster the essential tasks. Speaking of subscriptions, it is really unfortunate that IncrediMail's IMAP support is lacking: you can only download new mail, not subscribe to folders and access their online contents. "