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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-15-2011, 03:40 PM   #1 (permalink)
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This might get long. Sorry in advance. I will skip over lots of detail, if not, it would take hours to write it out. Basically, it's an EA that turns into 3 nights of sexting.

Been married for 17yrs. House, two kids. She's been in contact with her 2nd cus for about 1yr or so, maybe longer. I never thought anything of it. 10mths ago, they send msgs via facebook often and post on each others wall. Then it got more and more frequent. Still I think, what - they are family.

Forward to April, she cuts off communications. I ask what's happen, she indicates, he wants to meet. I think ok, like have a family outing or hook up. She says hook up. Now I'm suspicious. I begin to check phone records on a frequent basis. Nothing going on for about 2mth. Then I see a text sent 1 or 2 times a month after that. I ask why are you sending text. I'm told, just want to say hello. Fast forward to July. A text is sent and 1 week later a friend request is sent via facebook. I'm thinking, this is odd. Did you not block him? Before you know it, it was full blown text for 2 weeks in july.

On the last week I ask, what's the deal between you to. W tells my body is here with you but my heart is with him. My heart drops. I didn't want to over react, so I play it cool. I tell her to be honest with me and tell me everything.

Big mistake. W wants to be with him, leave me. I ask what about the kids. W indicates, she's not thinking about that at the moment. I wait 1 week to let things cool down. Over the weekend I tell her this is not right, what does she plan to do about it. W tells me, I need time to get him out of my heart. I don't think that have met since he stays 3hrs away but it could have happened.

Fast forward to week 2. Sexting pics begin to fly between both for 3 days. Things W has never said to me, was said to OM. Now I'm panicing, not sure what to do. Part of me wants to get out. Other have wants to work it out. That friday, I'm ready to lawyer up on the up coming monday. But I call the OM and tell him, this is destroying our marriage. OM tells me that W and him talked about it and she assured him that's what she wanted. OM tell me not to lawyer up, not to get divorced, he was going to cut all communications.

Week 3. W acts like everything is cool at home. Like nothing is happening. We begin to talk and voices get louder. I ask way, W tell me, What do you want me to do about it, he's in my heart and I can't get him out. W tells me she can't get him out of her heart and head. W feels pain for being with me but not logically being able to be with him. I ask what are you going to do about it. W tell me give me time, it will pass. That's the only answer I get. That friday, she sends me a text asking to go to happy hour with friends from work. She's never asked that in 18yrs. I tell her go right ahead if that's what makes her happy.

This past weekend I take W to the beach for a long walk and talk. I tell W this is not working for me and I'm going to get a divorce. W tells me she doesn't want one. To give her one more chance. That she's human and she made a big mistake. That she was sorry. For me to try and forgive her. I indicate that we do not have a marriage. This has come to 2 people that share money and have sex. Love is not in the picture. W heart is with him and I'm here as a back up. Only for physical staisfaction. I ask, What are you going to do? I don't want to here give me time. W asks me, what do you want me to do? At that moment, I knew that she's not ready to do what ever it takes to make this right. She said, do you want me to disconnect facebook, disconnect my cell phone. What I was looking for was for her to make drastic change. Not ask me what I want.

As the night goes on, we go out late for a talk. The conversation ends with, W saying I cannot force someone who doesn't want to be with, to say with. The idea of D still hurts but I think it may be the only on I have. The main reason is because of the kids. But I don't want to be in a home were I'm not happy. Or looking forward to see the person that has done this to me.

Anyone ever find themself in this situation?

Thanks for listening...

Last edited by this is bad; 08-16-2011 at 08:43 AM.
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Old 08-15-2011, 04:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Protect yourself first and foremost. I would assume the end game is divorce and make sure you are okay financially, as much as you can be.

Once you start to go forward on your own perhaps she will run off with cousin/lover. But that's already happening anyway.
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Old 08-15-2011, 04:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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It sound like you are taking the tough love approach by divoce, but she keeps talking you out of it.
I suggest you expose this affair to family and friends, especially if the OM is M or has a GF. The point is to make the A as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible to continue.

If your wife wants to stay married to you then set up some boundries, like complete NC.

The tough part of it all is she is in the fog/fantasy land and needs a taste of reality by having her move out, cancel all joint accounts and do a 180.

Again make this A as uncomfortable as possible by distancing your self. Take the kids out more then usual and leave her behind, again giving her a taste of reality.

Hopefuly the taste of the reality of not having the kids 100%, not having money and the taste of her safe and secure husband no longer being around will shake her from the fog.

This has fanasyland writen all over it and with these suggestion and the continued effort to get your D papers *drawn up* might bring her out of the fantasy. I didn't say file d-papers, just have them drawn up.

Stay strong and look up affairbusters.This A is all fantasy and she hasn't seen the real effect and implications. So go get the support from family and friends, they will also apply some pressure on ending the A. Leave her behind when you spend alot more time with the kids, and protect your finances. Again giving her a taste of reality if she continues with this BS.
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:44 PM   #4 (permalink)
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She wants to cake eat. She wants you to be her safe and stable home life, and wants him for the wild, passionate romance.

And she ain't dumb-she knows that this fling will not last, and she still wants you to be there, waiting for her to come back, so that she can pick up where she left off, scot-free.

Until she meets someone else...
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Old 08-15-2011, 10:23 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks for the input so far. I have to plan my departure, slowly. Want to make sure all ducks are in a row. Weird how the sex has been great since all of the happened. I'm taking it one step at a time. So far, it's been 2 weeks with zero contact. I believe it will not last forever, but I'm hopeful. All I know is one slip up, just the slightest and it done and over. No second chances. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you.

The way it feels to me. Although it's been very bad how every happened. She's never displayed this behavior before, never. I don't know if it's mid-life crisis or something but I'm giving her the benefit of a doubt.

If I get a hint that the game is still being played, I'm out.

Any additional suggestion are welcome..
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Old 08-15-2011, 10:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=this is bad;398531]Thanks for the input so far. I have to plan my departure, slowly. Want to make sure all ducks are in a row. Weird how the sex has been great since all of the happened. I'm taking it one step at a time. So far, it's been 2 weeks with zero contact. I believe it will not last forever, but I'm hopeful. All I know is one slip up, just the slightest and it done and over. No second chances. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you.

The way it feels to me. Although it's been very bad how every happened. She's never displayed this behavior before, never. I don't know if it's mid-life crisis or something but I'm giving her the benefit of a doubt.

If I get a hint that the game is still being played, I'm out.

Any additional suggestion are welcome..[/QUOT



How are you keeping tabs on her? If she knows you are watching her she can just keep things hidden better, going underground. Checking e-mails , (hidden accts.) phone and texting records, VAR voice activated recorder in car (cheap). Sounds like she may just be hiding things from you.
You did not say if cuz is married.
Did they meet up for happy hour?
Most of all is she sincere with you now. Many people here says the sex gets much better during spouses affair.
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Old 08-16-2011, 03:33 AM   #7 (permalink)
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You really should let her family know what is going on----that in of itself, will cut them off, as I am sure there will be major family outrage---c'est la vie

Stop letting her go out drinking with her buddies---That could lead to ONS, as you arn't there, and you already know she is prone to cheating on you---If she wants to drink after work, with her friends, it is one drink right after work, and home w/in an hour, and she stays in full availability for you to contact her

As to mistake---she made no mistake---what she did was to make horrible CHOICES, everything she did was planned out, with deceit, and manipulation, topped off with lies

As boundaries, take her off of facebook, and any other social websites, and her cellphone is available to you at all time

Also make sure, she knows if she looks even cross-eyed at another man, D. is immediately on the table.
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Old 08-16-2011, 07:43 AM   #8 (permalink)
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At the moment, she has not gone to any happy hour, yet. We'll see this Friday. If W even asks for permission, very close family will know what is going on. For some reason, I have not said anything. I guess, I'm hopefull that things will recover. I must be in denial big time.

I know from a msg send via facebook 3 weeks ago, that cus said he was coming at the end of the month to see her. W said she'll be waiting. I don't know if it's going to happen or not since I spoke to him. We'll see.

At this time, I'm capturing all calls being made and texts that are send and received. I don't know if another email address is used. But I'm monitoring everything that's going on with the current one. A key logger is also running on the pc along with screen capture. I'll have to get a VAR.

OM is not married. Lives alone. Has been for a long time. The reason given for all of this happening is that he was sad. Sending sad pics and W didn't want him to continue to be sad. W felt it was her job to make him happy. Feeling started to grow more for him. How low.

They connected via facebook. Over 1yr ago. I was watching all msgs going back and forth but it all looked ok. Until this july, after cutting cus out for 3mths, W wanted to reconnect. W couldn't stop thinking about him 24/7.

Then W tells me the text got more heated. Beginning of August, I didn't know this was going on. W tells me the following. OM requested a pic of her but she declined. W was shy, she's never done that before. OM said I have a pic of me but it's perverted. W says send it anyways since your insisting so much. Lots were sent. All of us know what it was. I didn't know at the time that this was going on. That evening W ask me to take a pic of her, I was ok with it. It was a sexy pic. Next thing you know, overnight W sends the pic. I capture the text and the next 2 days it was full blown madness.

This Sunday, while on our long walk. I asked, do you want something different in you future? Are you tired of the current routine? Are you looking for some type of excitment? Silence is all I got. It was a very long pause. I told W, why so quite? Are you trying to find the right words to say? Afraid you might say some thing wrong? After that I said we should get D. W said she didn't want one. That she'll change.

W asked what can I do to make things better. Get off of facebook, disconnect the new phone and keep the old one. These are things I didn't want to hear. I wanted her to tell me, I'm disconnecting facebook, disconnecting my phone, stop reading horoscope. I would think that if this was important to her, W would do these without asking.

All I know is that marriage is when 2 people love each other. They'll do anything for each other. But now it feels like we are room mates, with benefits, sharing expenses. I don't know how much longer I can go. But I'm trying to get ready little by little.

Last edited by this is bad; 08-16-2011 at 08:44 AM.
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:00 AM   #9 (permalink)
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TIB,

I don't think youre in denial. You are fully aware your wife is cheating, and you have used methods to gather overwhelming amounts of evidence. I do think you're currently indecisive about what to do. Why bother to keep waiting to blow this up? You know she is cheating. There is no need to wait for further proof. You have all you need. You know that she is continuing this affair even with you knowing it. At this point, exposing this affair to family may helP snap her back into reality. Or, it could help prevent her from spinning the story against you if you decide to divorce.

Either way, I think your lack of action, especially when you've already taken initiative to gather evidence, is a huge mistake.
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:26 AM   #10 (permalink)
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W asked what can I do to make things better. Get off of facebook, disconnect the new phone and keep the old one. These are things I didn't want to hear. I wanted her to tell me, I'm disconnecting facebook, disconnecting my phone, stop reading horoscope. I would think that if this was important to her, W would do these without asking.
So you want your wife to be your mind reader? Ain't gonna happen. YOU have to inform her of the steps that she has to voluntarily have to take which are needed to cut her addiction from the OM (other man). Affairs cause some of the same chemical reactions in the brain that illegal drugs cause, and just like with any addiction, the first step is to recognize that ending the use of the drug (contact with the OM) is essential in order to overcome it.

I highly recommend that you buy and have your wife (and you) read the book titled 'Not Just Friends' by Dr Shirley Glass. It will show the two of you how a happily married spouse can fall into an affair by crossing marital boundaries. Hopefully if your wife reads it, will open her eyes that what she is experiencing is not something romantically magical or mysterious in which the OM is her 'soul-mate' type of crap.

If you truly want to continue being married to your wife, then you will not leave it up to chance and do the necessary things on your side to help end her addiction to the OM.
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I tell W this is not working for me and I'm going to get a divorce. W tells me she doesn't want one. To give her one more chance. That she's human and she made a big mistake. That she was sorry. For me to try and forgive her.
I wish people here would pay attention to this.

When you say you want to work on the marriage all they do is fence sit and tell you they want out but the minute you tell them YOU want out then all of the sudden BAM! They are all about saving the marriage.


80% of the time it works every time.
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:35 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by ArmyofJuan View Post
I wish people here would pay attention to this.

When you say you want to work on the marriage all they do is fence sit and tell you they want out but the minute you tell them YOU want out then all of the sudden BAM! They are all about saving the marriage.


80% of the time it works every time.
Indeed it does but it requires a tremendous amount of confidence on the part of the betrayed spouse that he/she will be fine if the marriage does come to an end.

Nevertheless, most betrayed spouses have doubts that they have not tried everything in their power to help end the affair, then it behooves them to do so before confidently moving on with their lives post-divorce without any regrets.
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:40 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I've also gotten counseling from someone I trust very much. And the same was said by that person. But it's been 2 weeks since last contact was made. W tells me I will not persue this any futher. W said, I screwed up bad.

But my gut tells me, W will say anything to stay. And those feeling are still there for OM. As the days go by, I think my indecision will cause me more harm. Part of me want to get out. Another part want to give W a chance.

I think the following is happening here. Let me know if I'm wrong. God is not in the center of our marriage. W following the horoscope almost to the letter. I mean, W spends hours and hours on that stuff. Reading all 3 signs. On weekends, at least 10hrs Sat and Sun. I said, lets read the bible together, W says later, not now. I pray and pray that things work out. Honestly, I'm waiting for W to screw up again so I can finally, D. I could be going about this all wrong.

Last edited by this is bad; 08-16-2011 at 08:49 AM.
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Old 08-16-2011, 08:46 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Yes your wife must do the heavy lifting to get back into the mge., show the remorse, be contrite, show love---but you still DO need to lay out boundaries, with ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES

Tell her she gets this one 2nd chance----she is to go NC, and stay NC, no matter what

There are many mge., where much closer relatives are shut out, for the sake of the mge.---this is a 2nd cousin---your wife has crossed the line with him, and he is gone----she needs to make sure he stays gone

She wants to stay in the mge----tell her to prove it, and show it.
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Old 08-16-2011, 09:12 AM   #15 (permalink)
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TIB,

Actions, not words show she is doing the "heavy lifting" of recovery. It doesnt sound like she is. If you feel that you're waiting for her to contact him, that should tell you all you need to know. Your gut is telling you she is lying, she could be. After all, she is a cheater. I understand your emotional rollercoaster of divorce or not. But I do believe your waiting around will only enable her affair further.
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