Its good, healthy, helpful and wonderful that my wife had friends from so long ago. I am not so ridiculous to imagine that it was not necessary to have her friends, and was quite pleased to have you become my friends as well. I say all this to quell the possible complaints that I wanted to keep her locked away in a closet and never see the light of day, as you all have been told how controlling I was. I remember how our children were born around the same times, how we watched our kids grow together, shared birthday parties, holidays, summer barbeques.
Especially the close friend of hers that introduced us, and was there when our relationship grew over sixteen years from infatuation to marriage to parenthood. All along you were there, and more often than not I believe it was necessary and good; however something happened along the way. something happened that is very difficult to explain without sounding as if I am seeking to blame someone..
I do believe however that in a way there was a certain level of facilitation of the problems in our marriage that you had a hand in. Much like the recovering alcoholic who has life long friends that still drink and party their nights away.
You remained single this whole time. In your desire to get out and about, I dont think you realized the draw that a single life has to someone whose married, and has all the pressures of bills, kids, work, home, bils, billls, and billllllllls...
That freedom from these things, the ability to pay for and go out and do whatever you want seems so extremely appealing to someone who may feel their own life is stuck in a rut. Even if they are unable to realize how their own inability to manage money well, exacerbated the hardships at home, thus, inflaming the rut-feeling they had, you always appeared so available to go out to clubs, bars, concerts, and other activities insisting that my wife go along with you. Did you know that she was over 40K in personal credit card debt? Did that occur to you when you asked her to buy the tickets to so many shows?
When putting two and two together and listening to her complaints of her marriage not being "fun", ever equate to how little we had to do anything with?
Were you first in line to offer guidance and intelligent advice on conserving funds, and reducing debt, allowing for more fun times with her husband, and less stress at home? How extensive that one thing alone could have affected our entire life together.
While you were single, you often mentioned men you were interested in. I overheard many conversations between my wife and you exploring the nuances of your new relationships, and the heartaches of them not working out. All to find a week later another contact had been made, and your excitement over a possible love was shared, and lived by her through you, considering the dull, drudgery of her never-do-nothing-fun marriage to me. How often you would keep her on the phone away from me and our child, with the latest soap opera of your life's goings on. After awhile, that phone became her life, and we were but pieces of furniture in the house. How often your personal issues were so difficult for you to handle, that you required her to come attend to you, and console you, or gossip with you, or discuss the possibilities with you of your next new fling. Imagine, being the husband competing with such a lavish existence.
When you first heard of my wifes interest and developing involvement with that old highschool friend of you all's, did you say, wait a minute? Did you give her caution as to consider what it was she had versus what you have not had but only chased all these years? Or did your spine go slack with the tissue thin worry of a stressed friendship between you two, if you had took a higher standing. No, your best suggestion, the culmination of your appreciation for her, and for even the friendship between you and I, resulted in your suggesting she meet him in a private place, to see if "anything" was there.
Do you feel any responsibility now? When you look into my childs eyes and see the heartache there, of seeing her family ripped apart by this disaster, do you feel that there was anything you could have said since, as you say, youve been friends longer than I have known my wife?
"Hey, step back from that fire, you could be burned"?
Thank you for your friendship. The last time i called you with my hopes in my hand, thinking perhaps I could rely on you, after everything, to maybe suggest a pause to all this, instead of answering your phone you told my wife I called, and she then called me asking me why I called you.
I guess girls really do got their girlfriends backs first and foremost.
I guess that life was too much for my wife to pass up.
Do you feel any responsibility now? When you look into my childs eyes and see the heartache there, of seeing her family ripped apart by this disaster, do you feel that there was anything you could have said since, as you say, youve been friends longer than I have known my wife?
"Hey, step back from that fire, you could be burned"?
It's not the responsibility of any friend of a wife/husband if they end up cheating on their spouse. The only person at fault and who has the "responsibility" is the person who chose to cheat.
As for "anything you could have said" -- that is all What Ifs... even if they told the person it was a bad idea--the decision to cheat rests solely on the shoulders of one person--the one who chose it.
The blame should not be deflected to anyone else.
It's the old adage -- "If someone tells you jump of a bridge, will you do it?"
People can be influenced by their surroundings, things they hear, but ultimately it's up to them.
Not too long ago I had a friend who was having her head turned by "some guy." I say "some guy" because character-wise he doesn't hold a candle to her long-term partner. At all. She was asking me if she should meet up with him and what did I think and I told her categorically HELLLLL NO. Then she'd bring him up every few conversations and I'd tell her "Stop. I don't want to hear about this as I don't support it. You already know what happened in my marriage."
I remember distinctly her telling me once "I blocked him from contacting me" etc and I told her "GOOD. Keep it that way!"
Eventually she told me she'd told her partner what the deal was and they are still together. A win
Shooboomafoo,
I can definitely relate to your situation. Ultimately, it was up to our WWs to control their bad behavior but it is amazing how so many so called "friends" just stood by and watched our wives walk over a cliff. It has definitely altered my perception of friendship.
My husband's bff was with him the night they picked up to two skanks and took them back to said bff's house to f-ck them. I hate that "friend" now. But really, he didn't make my now ex husband do anything.
Still, I saw the bff at the grocery store one day in the produce section and wanted to dart cherry tomatoes and garlic at his eyeballs. LOL.
I don't want friends who would boff my wife or not tell me if she was having an A. I just don't have room for them in my life.
I agree with you on the blame....after all the affair was not 100% the OM's fault. But I don't feel at all bad for wanting to beat the snot out of him.
He had a choice to make and he chose to do this to me. enough said.
my husband could have wrote that....i have kicked the "friend" away....and it was a uphill battle for our relationship to mend..
some days it seems like it still follows us...this was over 10 years ago..we were young, and trying to fit into our world, and the real world...
my husband {then baby daddy} didnt know to step up and take charge..he could say, im home i want to talk to you about my day and your day with the baby..
he just sat quietly, and not so quietly, by and waited...he should never have...but, we figured it out with some bumps in the road.
we have come out the other side of it and are stronger, but i will admit it was touch and go for a while, we even had to separate for a few months. we {i} needed it to shake me up.
I can feel the pain coming through those words. I can relate to that pain. I know exactly what you are trying to say, my wife not only had one single friend she befriended a whole community of young singles and somehow their problems of dating/romance/finding the one became her problems to deal with too. And just like ALL the other older women in her recent social circles (the ones that for the past couple years excluded me her husband), now she too is going through divorce like it was just a part of the whole process, like its something you just do when you get to that point, like a rite of passage to be a part of the divorced milf club. Everyone she can relate to is out of their horrible marriages convinced they are forever happy in the single party life and its like I'm being compared to the abusive, negligent and stupid men they all left.
But... on the other hand, I have freedom!! that is something I had given up hope on not so long ago. And though its not complete freedom since I am forever linked to her through the family that we started, I no longer have to account to anyone but myself so there is reason to make my own choices once again!
Wish I had someone to help cast the blame on beside my H and the OW but my husband did all his dirt alone. He does not have many friends and mostly deal with his brothers and cousins and uncle as all of them think of him as the perfect husband, father and that he loves me oh so much to do anything like that. I had to endure a guy who cam to help with a fundrasier his job did for him standing there telling me about how much he loved me and his kids so much and he knew my H was a good guy that would never hurt his family. All while I had to be the loving supportive wife and listen to this BS while watching the OW roam around the room at the sametime. I wish I had someone to help carry that blame but in truth his I feel his reputation as the good guy is the reason that know one knew but the two of them not that he would hurt me or our family. All in all though it is all on them and no one else. But IMHO It is perfectly find to not like them anymore. I'm just sayin
They didn't think of you. They only considered what was in it for them. *juicy* drama, a deep secret shared between them and ur W... Maybe a jealousy and secret envy of your marriage/family and a want to have her single again...
Generally speaking as a rule... People only care what's in it for them.
While I share your frustration and have a laundry list of "back stabbers" myself.... I'm come to realize all my hurt, resentment and anger towards those people who enabled directly or indirectly my W's affair is really a waste and it hurts me FAR more than them to carry it... So, I forgive them. I don't want them in my life and I'm genuinely indifferent to how they feel...
lol, Ironic but... What's in it for me to even bother thinking about them.
I'm with you. Of all the friends my H and I shared 90% of them knew what was happening and didn't clue me in
Something that really gets to me is that all her friends not only knew she was cheating but several actively served as an alibi, they were knowing participants in the conspiracy against me. I know at least one of them even encouraged her to leave me for the OM, because "he is more fun to hang out with". They all acted so nice to me. It's amazing how cold-hearted and fake people can be, I never knew.
Interestingly, her then best friend (who was dating the OM's then best friend/roommate) did sort of apologize and told me a little bit about the situation that helped me understand things better. I think she felt guilty knowing what had been done to me when the OM was just after a good time and had finally grown disillusioned once she realized just how much both me and him were being lied to and manipulated. You know it's bad when even her best friend who hates the OM tells you she deserves almost all of the blame.
Not really trying to top you... but, the first OM my wife had a PA with was her Boss (Principal) at the school she taught at. Her "friends" were all teachers at the same school. As it turns out, this sleaze bag had slept with 3 of my wife's best friends also teachers. It was like a little club of infidelity. Some friends. He has (forced to leave the county, fired) moved on to FL to continue his way. I still see these women at schools from time to time. They all know I know the truth. All are divorced because of their affairs. Funny, how when you know people for what they really are they are so guarded and quiet. "Hey, gotta run, see ya".
Interesting, while my wife was actively cheating on me. These women were her close friends. She would talk with them via email and phone at least once a day. In the 2 years since I busted her, she has not contacted any of them.
I'm wondering if you have contacted the school board where he is working now. I would hound him for as long as I could keep up with him. Adultery should not be a blameless enterprise. He should pay the piper just like every other evildoer.
I'm wondering if you have contacted the school board where he is working now. I would hound him for as long as I could keep up with him. Adultery should not be a blameless enterprise. He should pay the piper just like every other evildoer.
I do in many ways like this idea of "social justice", it seems like a very large segment of our culture has developed a tendency to ignore public judgment of private behaviors unless they are something like recreational drug use, homosexuality, or atheism. They may gossip, but they'll accept adultery in a way that provides gossip as the only consequence. You will get fired anywhere in America if you like to alter your brain chemistry with anything other than alcohol or, in most places that aren't a city, get off with anyone other than your opposite gender or assert the non-existence of deities. Adultery though, that's a "private matter"!
I do appreciate the public/private divide, but in reality drug users, gay people, and atheists are far less worthy of public scorn and far more worthy of understanding, acceptance, and tolerance than anyone who betrays their partner.
A message to the single friends of marrieds.. 
Re: A message to the single friends of marrieds.. 
