New to this forum, but definitely having a major issue of what was relayed to me as an "emotional" affair my wife had back late August of this year. Long story short, my wife was acting very distant towards me late June and I knew something was off, but never imagined she was talking with another man who ended up being an old manager for her about 7 years ago. I found the email below to the guy and fully confronted her about it and was very very hurt and angry. She claims it was only an emotional affair due to issues with my family over the past year and leaned on this guy for extra support. Claimed nothing physical happened and she would cut all communication with him. That didn't happen and she asked to see him over the Labor Day weekend! I confronted her over that saying if this were to ever happen again, it's over for good. I asked her once again to come clean and she said the guy tried to kiss him, but she backed off before it would happen and she left the bar they met and that's why she wrote this email to him. Well I just saw she was messaging this guy on LinkedIn last week over a promotion he received at work! Below is what she wrote and the more I think of this and not wanting to believe it, I really do think she had a one night fling with this guy....Am I crazy for thinking this? Here is the email..
Hi,
It's a little easier for me to write this email than text you because it would probably be too long. But you may not even read all of this. First, sorry about last night. Admittedly, I was drinking and thought of you and texted you. That was all my fault.
On Friday I had every intention of being ok with what we planned. But like you said we are friends above all. I think you might have looked at it as a one time thing where I was looking at it as of all goes well, we could keep this up. Not a relationship by any means, but not a one time one night stand. I think that's where I got messed up. After thinking about how it happened.
I don't want to not see you and get awkward when I do. I want to be able to call you when I'm in town and have a drink and catch up. Even if it's over your house because we are friends and know each other well.
I'm sorry I brought you into my married mess. It's always been easy to talk to you and I think I just felt comfortable enough to put it all on the table. And like you said I don't deserve some of the **** that's been happening. My next steps are going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I need to be happy.
The one thing that's always amazes me about you is how caring of a person you are. I think when we crossed the friendship line that's where I stopped seeing it and like you said the other night you were looking at a piece of ass. I'd rather be on the other side because that's how much your friendship means to me and has meant to me over the years.
You don't have to respond to this or ever talk to me again if you don't want to. But like I said earlier I seriously hope I can be friends with you. When I see you I always remember how much I love hanging around and talking to you. It's not easy to have people in your life where you can pick up at any time like no actual time has passed at all.
Either way you made me think long and hard about my life and I will never be able to repay you for it. I owe you a lot. And like I said yesterday I wish you nothing but success. I know you'll be great if you get that promotion. You're one of the most hard working sincere people I know.
I hope to talk soon. And if not, know that I appreciate you. If that means anything at all.
Sounds like she's the pursuer. He already hit it a few times and she wants more. If you don't have kids, then you need to bounce. She's plotting to leave you regardless and is just looking for a temporary branch to grasp. Most woman don't let get of their current branch until they have another person to latch onto, if even just emotionally.
She lied about not contacting him again so no she's not honest. If she doesn't cheat with this guy because of her messed up marriage she'll find another.
Hold her accountable for everything she says, does and feels.
The bolded comment above sounds like yes, they did indeed hookup; now she's ruminating about how it didn't turn out as planned. I agree with @jsmart, she was the pursuer. She wants more, he was just looking for an easy hook up as evidenced in this statement:
And this comment indicates she is on her way out:
And, she is trying to "leave the door open" for him with this drivel in case he reconsiders:
On Friday I had every intention of being ok with what we planned. But like you said we are friends above all. I think you might have looked at it as a one time thing where I was looking at it as of all goes well, we could keep this up. Not a relationship by any means, but not a one time one night stand. I think that's where I got messed up. After thinking about how it happened.
The bolded comment above sounds like yes, they did indeed hookup; now she's ruminating about how it didn't turn out as planned. I agree with @jsmart, she was the pursuer. She wants more, he was just looking for an easy hook up as evidenced in this statement:
You don't have to respond to this or ever talk to me again if you don't want to. But like I said earlier I seriously hope I can be friends with you. When I see you I always remember how much I love hanging around and talking to you. It's not easy to have people in your life where you can pick up at any time like no actual time has passed at all.
You'll only get one chance to get this right - to show her what you will and won't tolerate. "I WILL be monitoring as you have now lost my trust, and if I find one more instance of you contacting him in any form, I'll be filing for divorce and full custody, as I won't feel our child is safe with a person doing what you're doing. It's your choice."
But then you have to actually follow THROUGH with leaving her if it happens.
If you end up having to leave, one of two things will happen. She'll spiral down and realize what she lost and hit her rock bottom, allowing you two to reconcile, or she'll run and you'll be better off knowing NOW what she's capable of and dodging that bullet for more years.
The absolute worst thing you can do is try to nice her back. It never works with women.
You'll only get one chance to get this right - to show her what you will and won't tolerate. "I WILL be monitoring as you have now lost my trust, and if I find one more instance of you contacting him in any form, I'll be filing for divorce and full custody, as I won't feel our child is safe with a person doing what you're doing. It's your choice."
Jkenne, turnera is right about only getting one chance to get this right. You can't afford mistakes. DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR WIFE. That is a mistake.
Jkenne03;14129674[/QUOTE said:
I'm sorry I brought you into my married mess. It's always been easy to talk to you and I think I just felt comfortable enough to put it all on the table. And like you said I don't deserve some of the **** that's been happening. My next steps are going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I need to be happy.
Your wife didn't just cheat on you. She has checked out of your marriage emotionally and according to this little gem, you should expect her to be checking out via the big D soon.
You need to see an attorney ASAP. File divorce papers (you don't have to actually divorce her right away) Do not talk to your wife about any of this. There are a lot of folks who give some excellent advice here.
by the email it does sound like it has gone to a PA at least one time, but the EA is just as bad and it sounds like she wants out of your marriage.
if it looks like divorce:
see a lawyer
separate you accounts (50%)
cancel any joint credit cards
start putting "lunch money" away in a safe place (not a bank) everyday from now on 20 to 30 dollars a day, it will adds up quickly and come in handy down the road
If you are going to try and R the affair has to stop first and the best way to help stop it is EXPOSURE.
OM's wife/girlfriend
you parents
her parents
maybe some close friends
She is clearly not being honest. Guess what, all cheaters are also liars. These things go together.
The information you have in that note tells you that she had sex with him, she feels her marriage is a mess, and her emotional bond with him is incompatible with a marriage to you.
In these situations, your best bet is to go on offense, which would hopefully wake her up from attempting to pursue an unnttainable fantasy, and focus on being a wife an mother.
Before making any decisions, do not confront and see if he replies through text or linked in. Then you follow Turnera's advice.
Oh and I can see the note slightly differently than everyone else, when I take my cynic glasses off, but it is neither here nor there as she is the pursuer and something DEFINITELY happened.
You are fortunate in your misfortune. This mail gives you deep insight into the state of your wife's emotional life.
Do not get into any discussion about the betrayal. Your understanding is an advantage in all your dealings with your wife because you have a means of measuring her words and actions.
File for divorce. Tell her she free to go since she deserves to be happy and you are not the person who can meet her needs.
Keep all discussion strictly to child and divorce.
A month from now or maybe 6, your wife may sing a different tune. You will be able to choose should you so desire.
Whether or not she is being honest about what she did, is not the most important thing right now. That e-mail is a wealth of information.
She has betrayed you.
She's had sex with the OM and would obviously do it again, as soon as he wants it.
She is looking for an exit affair; with him or someone else.
She's fine with cake eating and being financially secure with you until that happens.
This is the type of A, where your immediate strategy should be to start divorce proceedings. After you do, her willingness to accept consequences, her honesty, and her remorse - will determine whether you complete the D, or "consider" R. But for now, your mind set should be you're heading straight to D. Don't expect anything from her.
If there is any chance to save your marriage, she needs a metaphorical slap in the face to understand what it feels like to lose her husband for cheating.
Whether or not she is being honest about what she did, is not the most important thing right now.
She has betrayed you.
She's had sex with the OM and would obviously do it again, as soon as he wants it.
She is looking for an exit affair; with him or someone else.
She's fine with cake eating and being financially secure with you until that happens.
This is the type of A, where your immediate strategy should be to start divorce proceedings. After you do, her willingness to accept consequences, her honesty, and her remorse - will determine whether you complete the D, or "consider" R. But for now, your mind set should be you're heading straight to D. Don't expect anything from her.
If there is any chance to save your marriage, she needs a metaphorical slap in the face to understand what it feels like to lose her husband for cheating.
Don't play games with her. She's using you until something better to her comes along. Right now you just a security blanket to her.
If it was me, I would hand her coat and hat and tell her that she wants him, she can have him and let her know that she better get a lawyer because you are and the only thing you want to discuss with her is about your kid.
It wont be easy but she needs to know that she made a choice to step out of the marriage and never gave a thought how it would effect you and now she has to live with it. Don't fall for the tears because thise tears aren't for you but what she's about to lose. Nothing more.
To me, it's evident that her emotional affair became physical "crossed that line". But it sounds like after he "Hit it", he's backed away! She wants to keep their relationship going, even if it's not physical!
Jkenne, are there any complications in your situation such as children or co-owned businesses? The reason I ask is because you have a heck of a mountain to climb if your marriage is ever going to be good again. There will be a lot of pain, it will take time, and the chances of success are not good.
Yes, I believe the email says they had sex. It clearly says she has already decided to leave the marriage.
The #1 rule is to never ever reveal to her your source of intel. So don't tell her you've seen that email. If you decide to try to save the marriage, you will have to do a lot more spying to learn what happened and to ensure she is fully back into the marriage. Never tell her about these methods, nor how you acquired any information if you reveal the information to her (which you might do in a confrontation).
If you don't have kids or some other major complication, I would just start moving towards D. Talk to a few lawyers in your area to find out how things work there. Most will give you a free consultation where you can get basic questions answered. The bonus is your wife can't use any of those lawyers after you've talked to them, so if there is a particular lawyer you don't want her to use, go consult with them even if you end up using someone else.
There's no need to be nasty and hateful in the divorce. Since she's already got at least one foot out the door, you might be able to work through an amicable split.
If her ex-boss is married, do his wife the favor of telling her about the affair. But if it were me I would wait until after the divorce if your wife is willing to be cooperative in the divorce process.
I know it sucks and you want to believe her but that doesn't make the nonsense she is trying to tell you truth.
Cheaters lie. That you can bank on.
Paternity test the child
Get checked for stds
Do not have unprotected sex with your wife
Do a hard 180
Talk to a lawyer
Take care of yourself
Protect your assets
You told her up front that if she ever contacted the guy you would be done with her. Well she did and now you have the proof. You need to keep your promise to her and go see a lawyer and file for divorce. She may not want you in her life, but you can damn sure make her respect you a little.
Game's over on your marriage, OP. You are only Plan B as the Other Man does not want your wife. Why would you want someone else's reject? She is assertively pursuing him. This tells you that she is no longer in your marriage.
You have consulted a lawyer. Proceed all the way and be done with this farce of a marriage. Your wife will do this over and over again until you lose your mind.
Bashful Bull has been in this road before. He forged a better life than what he had. Follow his advice even if you overlook other posters' of the same advice.
She wanted to have a long time Affair. She have feeling for this guy but he was ok only for sex and nothing else.
Like I said RUN and dont look back. She is using you like someone who is going to pay bills and watch over your daughter while she is searching for the "perfect one"
You know in your heart that even if they haven't had sex yet, they planned to.
You also know in your heart that she's been lying to you about the same guy multiple times (and I've been there).
So, having been there, here's what you have to do.
You get everything ready -- call a lawyer, back up all the data you can get your hands on, have her sleep somewhere else, and act single with a smile on your face about it (except no other women).
When all that is ready, which should take about a week or less (because it took me 3 days), you sit her down and say "tell me everything, or the next conversation you have with me is through a lawyer." Add to that the statement that you either already know everything, or are going to find out everything because you already have the data.
Take everything down she says. Make a timeline. Go through the data.
And if there's even one discrepancy, you file.
I was lucky. There wasn't. But I waffled at the beginning, and made everything a WHOLE lot worse.
But one word of caution, man... assume you currently know 1% of what actually happened.
I think it's very clear as evidenced by more than one statement in the email that it has gone physical. She is definitely lying. sorry man.
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