Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 08-20-2011, 08:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 21
Default Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

...not quite sure how I should handle this?

Bit of backstory here. This is a guy she almost had an affair with when we lived in another city about 2 hours away about 3 years ago. It was during the worst parts of our marriage, we sought counseling, which worked wonders for us. We moved away to where we are now shortly after.

I haven't heard/seen a peep from this guy for nearly 3 years...but about 2 months ago he initiated contact with her again. I have yet to say anything about it as I wanted to see what she would do as we have been having difficulties again.

I know she hasn't seen him and judging by the texts, he does all the initiating (texts first and begs for pics). At first she played coy, refusing to send them...but just a few weeks ago he was begging again and she took a pic of her breast, under her shirt while at work and sent it to him.

Since then, he had not contacted her again until yesterday...again, begging for pics. Now, in her defense, she REALLY doesn't seem all that interested in him...her replies to his lengthly texts are often one worded or otherwise very short. It seems like she sent it to get him to stop begging. I could be wrong though.

I'm not the type to lose my temper, hence why I've just been monitoring the situation...but now I'm not sure what to do.

1. Block his number through the cell provider for all calls, pics, text.
2. Confront her with the evidence.
3. Confront him.
4. Continue monitoring the situation.
5. ????

We have been together 11 years, married 5 of those this Oct. with 2 wonderful kids.

We currently are under a great deal of both financial and family stress...however we are working through the financial issues and should have those resolved in the next 60 days.

Also, I have had to move my parents in recently due to health reasons and being unable to care for themselves. Step-father is bipolar and they definitely butt heads at times.

I feel the need to gain control of the situation.

Advice?

Peace,
Chris
PHRoG is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 08-20-2011, 08:49 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Soccerfan73's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Closer to the North Pole than the Equator
Posts: 342
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

Nothing personal in this comment dude, but your wife sending a picture of her breasts isn't exactly the same as saying "Go away".

If she wanted him to go away, she would probably have texted something like "go away".

If I had a girl who I was truly irritated by I wouldn't send her a picture of my penis.

Time for a No Contact letter/e-mail if she is truly serious about your marriage.
Soccerfan73 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 09:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 21
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

Hey Soccerfan73,

I do get that she is willingly participating.

However, I know her mannerisms and that's the "vibe" I get from her responses to him. She isn't chatty, asking questions, flirting, etc, etc. It's mostly one word responses like, ya, lol, smiley face, etc, etc.

Example:

Him: Hey there! Sitting here drinking a beer, how is your Friday?
Her: Ok
Him: So when are you going to spice up my phone?
Her: LOL
Him: Comon, I'm just sitting here having a beer on my day off. I need something pretty to look at.
Her:
Him: Pleeeeease.
Her: Can't, at work.

All the conversations are just about that short. No phone calls to the guy at all. Just these short little text conversations every other week or so.

However, she did ultimately send that pic to him...sooo. =\
PHRoG is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 09:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 4,363
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

Since you are a man who is able to control his temper here is a suggestion. Use a quiet moment, like at night after the kids are asleep and the two of you are in bed, and calmly, quietly and respectfully inform her that you KNOW the the OM (other man) has initiated contact with her and he is trying to seduce her. Ask her how would she feel if the roles were reversed and - as Soccerfan73 said - you were sending pics of your penis to an OW (other woman)? and shut up to give her the time to reflect on your words. If she cares she will acknowledge that her behavior is a betrayal of your trust in her and will take the necessary steps to block him from contacting her. If not and she still continues with it, then you have some serious thinking to do as to whether you want to be part of a one sided open marriage or divorce her to move on with your life without her.
__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links
morituri is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 09:56 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Shamwow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,151
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

She needs to be confronted - calmly. Who cares if you don't want her to know she's been monitored. If she 'almost' had an affair with him three years ago, then she knows you have every reason to be concerned if anything unusual started happening in your relationship, from then on. Glad counseling did you some good (my wife would never consider it), but I'm guessing some of the terms you two came to in counseling involved a ton of open transparency on her end, and if she's begun violating that again, it's time to smack it down now.

If I had noticed the emails/texts that were starting to erode my marriage a couple months ago, I may have been able to stop what ended up in me having papers drawn up in the last week.

Quash it NOW. No more texts, no more emails, and get back into counseling, because she has slid back to a dangerous place. Ask her to call him in front of you and tell him to never contact her again in any way shape or form, and that she would be doing the same. "Sorry, but my marriage is more important." Then get her a new phone number and install spyware on it immediately...anything inappropriate, or a peep from him, you smack it down one more time. After that, I'd threaten to walk...I know you have kids and may not want to go there. But at least you'll know where you stand with her, and she with you. Just giving you my outside perspective.

My wife was receiving inapporopriate emails and plenty of texts (of which I don't know the content). The fact she didn't reply with "WTF are you sending me this crap for?", and saved the email is enough to knock her out of favor in the trust department. We all know texting/chatting is fun and kind of addictive, but it can so easily go sexual, given enough time and enough frequency of texting, the innuendo creeps in because it's just texting and no big deal. Because it's "harmless". Until she starts getting more excited thinking about that than she does thinking about you. Sending explicit pics of herself to another guy would've been a dealbreaker for me, at the very least as far as trusting her in any way. If a woman truly respects you, she wouldn't give any part of herself to someone else that would hurt you. It wouldn't even cross her mind to do. She still likes this guy, enough to disrespect you by giving some a****** something to be excited about, that she should only be giving to you. Baiting him in just as must as he's doing to her.

Tread heavily. Now. No more monitoring, just action. If she freaks, you know her answer. Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm feeling exactly as you are right now, and have been lied to enough in the past weeks to know I don't have my wife's respect or attention anymore, even though I've confronted her and been as direct as I can in telling her what is unacceptable, and what that would mean. She was able to hide it for too long for me to step in before she made it real.

Good luck, sorry you're in this mess...
Shamwow is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 10:13 AM   #6 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
sigma1299's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,397
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

Shamwow hit it on the head. This is not the time for monitoring or a "gee honey maybe this isn't a good thing" type conversation. She sent some other dude a pic of her breast for God's sake. I don't care what the "vibe" is it is completely and totally unacceptable. BTW, based on what you cited above as an example, I read that as playing hard to get but STILL PLAYING!! You're more composed than I am - I'd have gone batsh!t crazy over that pic. Quash it now and quash it decisively.
sigma1299 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 11:27 AM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 21
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

That's what I've been thinking. Based on the responses, I plan on having the conversation with her tonight.

I guess I was just thinking with the current stress in our relationship, causing more conflict was the last thing we needed. But, I agree that I can't just allow it to continue. That would be condoning it.

Should I request she text him stating that she no longer wants him to contact her and that her marriage is more important?

According to the records, he's been the instigator. Maybe a clear/concise message from her would ward him off for good.

Or, should I contact him and tell him to stay the hell away?

Thanks much for the advice/support!

Peace,
Chris
PHRoG is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 11:45 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,309
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

You didn't exchange vows with the other guy. You and your wife cannot control the behavior of the other guy. She has to take ownership of her own actions, and change her behavior. She can block his number. She can ignore his messages. She can send a registered letter requesting no contact, and say that any other contact will result in a restraining order and/or harassment charges.

However... She has to want to stop this. And that doesn't seem that she either understands the problem, or she doesn't want him to stop contacting her. Only she knows the answer to that. Marriage counseling to explore her feelings might be in order. Be prepared for painful things to come out, though.

C
Posted via Mobile Device
PBear is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 12:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Atholk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,429
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

So how do you know about the texts anyway?

Also if you guys are having a tough time, now was a terrible time to take your parents in.
__________________
The Mindful Attraction Plan
Atholk is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 12:52 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Southern california
Posts: 2,137
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

Has the current stress in your mge., coincided with the sudden re-appearance of her EA partner????

Why don't you send him the following letter, basically stating, that he has caused your mge., problems in the past, and he is now attempting to wreck the mge. again---Tell him if he does not stop, you will sue him civilly for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS---there are also 7 states where you can sue for ALIENATION OF AFFECTION, and CRIMINAL CONVERSATION---all states allow I I E D---send him a registered letter, that he is to stop contact immediately

You can actually pull the elements needed for such a law suit off the internet, and file the lawsuit yourself, you don't have to proceed with anything, but maybe if he is threatened in his wallet---he will get the picture, and leave you alone

You don't have to tell your wife anything about what you are doing., or just tell her you are cutting out a slow growing cancer, that keeps coming back.
jnj express is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 01:08 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,309
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jnj express View Post
Has the current stress in your mge., coincided with the sudden re-appearance of her EA partner????

Why don't you send him the following letter, basically stating, that he has caused your mge., problems in the past, and he is now attempting to wreck the mge. again---Tell him if he does not stop, you will sue him civilly for INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS---there are also 7 states where you can sue for ALIENATION OF AFFECTION, and CRIMINAL CONVERSATION---all states allow I I E D---send him a registered letter, that he is to stop contact immediately

You can actually pull the elements needed for such a law suit off the internet, and file the lawsuit yourself, you don't have to proceed with anything, but maybe if he is threatened in his wallet---he will get the picture, and leave you alone

You don't have to tell your wife anything about what you are doing., or just tell her you are cutting out a slow growing cancer, that keeps coming back.
But if you don't deal with the actual problem (the wife's behavior and reasons for it), you're just addressing the symptoms of the disease, not the actual disease itself.

Just MHO.

C
Posted via Mobile Device
PBear is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 01:12 PM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 21
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

Several months ago her phone went off at 1:00AM when I was working. I work at home and often into the early morning.

She was charging it using the charger on my desk and when I glanced at it, low and behold it was his name.

So I investigated further (cross referenced records with his number) and this was the second text conversation he had with her.

Now, I'll check her text history every few days when I think about it (she still charges her phone on my desk). She has had 5 conversations at this point (latest one yesterday).

While I agree moving my parents in right now couldn't have happened at a worse time...it was completely unavoidable.

Long story short, she worked a government job in a remote location and lived on location. Last year she got very ill and was forced to take a medical retirement. She had no savings and almost no retirement...once the retirement became final, she was no longer allowed to stay in her home as she was no longer a government employee.

They had no savings to get a place and no where to go. So we allowed them to come here and move into my office (we set it up as a studio for them) until he (step-father) could get approved for SSD so they could afford their own place. We just received notice that he was approved, so they should have their own place by end of October.

Peace,
Chris
PHRoG is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 01:28 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,829
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

I understand the obligation to take care of your parents. It is a hard fact of life however that this could very well be the thing that destroys your marriage.

To me my wife texting a great volume would concern because of establishing an emoitonal question and heaven forbid this might lead to her sending pics of herself. In your case she already has had that foreplay of emotional connection and in a weak moment sent the pic.
I think that one act would have caused me to intervene. Now this guy has no motivation to stop pursuing her. Frankly I would have confronted the guy before this and told him that any further contact was going to be hazardous to his continued well being. And then I would follow up on it.

I would confront both of them. She must be NC. How easy this would have been if you intervened before she replied with the pic. The longer you wait the worse this gets. I mean each and every day you wait.

There is no doubt that with your parents living with you your marriage is falling apart. if this is a long term situation with your parents you will likely end up living with them without your wife. I am guessing you guys are not freely having a romance right now with each other. Your parents living with you is probably going to prevent that from happening. So your wife will seek her needs elsewhere.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 08-20-2011 at 01:36 PM.
Entropy3000 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 04:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 4,363
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropy3000 View Post
Now this guy has no motivation to stop pursuing her. Frankly I would have confronted the guy before this and told him that any further contact was going to be hazardous to his continued well being. And then I would follow up on it.

I would confront both of them. She must be NC. How easy this would have been if you intervened before she replied with the pic. The longer you wait the worse this gets. I mean each and every day you wait.


The OM believes that you don't know what he is doing and will continue trying to seduce your wife until she yields and has sex with him, unless you confront him. Is that what you want? If not then put a stop to it by contacting him NOW and telling him to f*ck off or you will make it your mission to turn his life into a living hell.
__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links
morituri is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-20-2011, 04:15 PM   #15 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The Great Lake State
Posts: 1,407
Default Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.

Morituri and Entropy are telling you exactly what you should do and NOT WAIT. The longer you wait the more likely it will become physical - it could be happening right now! CONFRONT BOTH!
8yearscheating is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife is having an EA and sending Pics....Please Help! EHuntIMF Coping with Infidelity 315 09-28-2013 12:24 AM
Texting Female Co-Worker drainedfemale Coping with Infidelity 66 11-12-2012 02:31 PM
Fiance texting and sending topless pics to another man Needingsomeadvice Coping with Infidelity 67 10-16-2011 08:16 PM
Wife texting male co-worker daily for the past month or so jj jones Coping with Infidelity 38 04-01-2011 11:45 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:35 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.