Re: Wife texting, sending naughty pics to ex co-worker 2 hours away.
She needs to be confronted - calmly. Who cares if you don't want her to know she's been monitored. If she 'almost' had an affair with him three years ago, then she knows you have every reason to be concerned if anything unusual started happening in your relationship, from then on. Glad counseling did you some good (my wife would never consider it), but I'm guessing some of the terms you two came to in counseling involved a ton of open transparency on her end, and if she's begun violating that again, it's time to smack it down now.
If I had noticed the emails/texts that were starting to erode my marriage a couple months ago, I may have been able to stop what ended up in me having papers drawn up in the last week.
Quash it NOW. No more texts, no more emails, and get back into counseling, because she has slid back to a dangerous place. Ask her to call him in front of you and tell him to never contact her again in any way shape or form, and that she would be doing the same. "Sorry, but my marriage is more important." Then get her a new phone number and install spyware on it immediately...anything inappropriate, or a peep from him, you smack it down one more time. After that, I'd threaten to walk...I know you have kids and may not want to go there. But at least you'll know where you stand with her, and she with you. Just giving you my outside perspective.
My wife was receiving inapporopriate emails and plenty of texts (of which I don't know the content). The fact she didn't reply with "WTF are you sending me this crap for?", and saved the email is enough to knock her out of favor in the trust department. We all know texting/chatting is fun and kind of addictive, but it can so easily go sexual, given enough time and enough frequency of texting, the innuendo creeps in because it's just texting and no big deal. Because it's "harmless". Until she starts getting more excited thinking about that than she does thinking about you. Sending explicit pics of herself to another guy would've been a dealbreaker for me, at the very least as far as trusting her in any way. If a woman truly respects you, she wouldn't give any part of herself to someone else that would hurt you. It wouldn't even cross her mind to do. She still likes this guy, enough to disrespect you by giving some a****** something to be excited about, that she should only be giving to you. Baiting him in just as must as he's doing to her.
Tread heavily. Now. No more monitoring, just action. If she freaks, you know her answer. Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm feeling exactly as you are right now, and have been lied to enough in the past weeks to know I don't have my wife's respect or attention anymore, even though I've confronted her and been as direct as I can in telling her what is unacceptable, and what that would mean. She was able to hide it for too long for me to step in before she made it real.
Good luck, sorry you're in this mess...