Originally Posted by Robmeofmysecurity
Me and my wife have been together for 8 years, married for 4. I found out she was texting with a guy from high school for about a month and she went to his house twice late at night. She insist nothing happened but she will not delete him from her facebook page. Two months later I found out she was still talking (not as much) but she said she misses him(I found on her facebook). Now another two months later and she swears she doesn't talk to him but still won't delet him. What should I do? Can I trust her? Is it possible nothing really happened?
I have come to a place that has helped me out on these situations.
I have defined for myself that inapproprite behavior like this is inherently unfaithful. I think cheating is being unfaithful but in a more specific way. An EA that has begun from an inapropriate friendship and a PA are cheating. A friendship may be crossing boundaries and have unfaithful behavior that becomes an EA.
Unfaithful behavior is behvaior that is literally not fauthful their spouse:
Having secrets from your spouse is unfaithful.
Going to an opposite sex friends house is unfaithful under most circumstances.
Crossing agreed upon boundaries is unfaithful
Anything that works at odds with your spouse best interests and / or the marriage I would say is not being faithfull.
Unfaithful behavior often leads to cheating. But you do not have to have penetration to be unfaithful to a spouse.
Lying is unfaithful.
Having inapropriate contact with someone is unfaithful.
So how does this help me? We usually do not need to find that smoking gun, that proof of cheating to identify behavior as unfaithful.
I see too often people wondering if there is a problem. Then they describe a plethora of activities that are arguably unfaithful and then they ask are they cheating. Well maybe. BUT we know they are being unfaithful. Being unfaithful is enough to lose trust in someone IMO.
For me if my wife went to another man's house in this manner it would be a deal breaker. Is it likely there was cheating in your case? Sure. But I don't think you have to prove that. Her actions were unfaithful. She crossed a serious boundary or three.
The not deleting his account on facebook is a symptom but the bigger deal is that she put herself in a compromising position. She went there in secret ... right?
She is leaving the house and rather than telling you, hey I am going over this guys house, see ya or you going hey hon where are you off to, she just goes.
I in no way think it controlling for spouses to let the other know what they are doing. Now more wife might be out all day shopping and going from place to place. Cool. I don't need to know those specifics. But you what, she will usually give me a call and let me know her plans matter of factly. I do the same for her. Nothing at all to do with trust. But it does promote trust.
If my wife said she was going over a guys house, I just might say, hold up, I'm coming along.
Boundaries. Agreed upon boundaries are a must who are serious about being married.