Me and my wife have been together for 8 years, married for 4. I found out she was texting with a guy from high school for about a month and she went to his house twice late at night. She insist nothing happened but she will not delete him from her facebook page. Two months later I found out she was still talking (not as much) but she said she misses him(I found on her facebook). Now another two months later and she swears she doesn't talk to him but still won't delet him. What should I do? Can I trust her? Is it possible nothing really happened?
Of course you can't trust her. She's behaving inappropriately with another man. The odds are very, very good that she's already slept with him.
Your choices here are to accept her actions or not. I don't think you should.
If you choose not to accept her actions, then you tell her that you refuse to live in an open marriage. She writes a no-contact letter, lets you read it, and you mail it. Then, she deletes him from her phone, email, Facebook, blocks him, and gives you access to her accounts so that you can verify that she isn't contacting him.
You should also follow this up with keylogger software on your computer, so she can't just delete chat logs or emails, and a voice-activated-recorder under the seat of her car. Don't tell her about these measures unless you find evidence that the affair has gone underground.
If she's unwilling to do this, you call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. There is time to call off a divorce if she decides to behave like a married woman, but you need to push her to choose you or the other man.
I can't say if there is anything going on but if you are not comfortable with him being on her FB friends list and she will not delete him, then that to me is a red flag, at least a lack of respect. Heed my warning that 'old flames' reconnecting is never a great idea! If any two people are going to have an affair it is two ex's because they already have the emotions they need to add fuel to the fire and that fire can burn out of control very fast! Tell her you don't appreciate her choosing a 'friendship' over your feelings, you are her husband and should always be her priority. If there is nothing going on she should have no problem deleting him and ending contact.
I got a FB friend request from a high school flame I hadn't heard from in 22 years, Not two weeks later I was neck deep in a very intense emotional affair. Old flames reconnecting on facebook is like playing with matches while pumping gas, it may not ignite but if it does it'll go big. As has been said, at a minimum she should respect the wishes of her spouse over a facebook friend and her refusal to delete him and the fact that she's been to his place twice are huge red flags. I don't see anyway they're not in an affair and from the sound of it likely a full blown EA/PA.
You cannot trust her word on this - she hasn't earned it. I'm afraid you're going to have to do some detective work and see what you get, but be prepared for bad news. If you find what I suspect don't confront her until you have lots of overwhelming evidence. If you confront her before you can prove your suspicions she will likely just take it all deeper underground and make it even harder on you. Sorry your in this spot, there's lots of advice and help here.
Trust is earned and not freely given. The Facebook activity coupled with late visits is not a good sign. There is no room for this kind of activity.
If she is saying: "Don''t you trust me?" and getting upset about you wanting her to stop....this is another red flag.
Sounds like you are standing in a frying pan. Try to keep out of the fire.
Things you can do:
1. Prepare for the worst. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. Focus on yourself and try to stay calm and rational. Keep firm on these points:
-No you can't have him as a friend.
-There can be no contact with this guy...absolutely none.
2. Hope for the best. Perhaps this Facebook friend is nothing? If so..then no harm no foul....although if it makes you uncomfortable and she is refusing to stop contact...either way, this is something that needs to be addressed right away.
PHTlumb has great advice, and I want to follow through with the fact that she will for sure label you as controlling when you go down this round.
The counter measure you will need after the "controlling" label comes out is to #1 inform her that you are not controling her and she is free to leave or she is free to stay married to you.
If she chooses to stay married to you then you tell her the boundries that you have set up to protect your felling from getting hurt again and again. These boundries that you have set are also ment to protect the marraige.
Do not trust her and put a stop to her BS, it will break up your marriage for sure, man up and take this action in order for your W to see you are not messen around.
It is her choice, you can't control her but you can refuse to tolorate her behavior by asking her to leave if she contiues.
Do not beg for your marriage it will empower your wife to continue with her bad behavior. Do not cry, it is not attractive, right now you want to be as confident and as attractive to your wife as possible, making her second guess her choices.
If she sees a confident man infront of her who is willing to move on with out her she will think twice about the fact that she may loose her husband.
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Re: Should I trust her?
Letting her date other men while married is never good for a marriage.
Yes, it is dating because she visited him late at night. There is no valid reason for doing that.
Time for her to act like a married woman. It would be one thing if she had just "friended" him on Cheatbook, but it's quite another to be having late night visits on top of that.
S- I disagree, this wasn't a date, it was a booty call. He isn't letting her do any thing, he can't control her, but he can control his action and behaviors, so by not standing up and setting his boundries, he may indirectly be "letting" her, but lets face it, his wife has no boundries of her own when it come to acting like a wife.
In IMO she has lost all her right to privacy and he should step up and quitely investigate her commitment to the marriage, b/c your right, "the train has left the rail" and if he doesn't step up now this train will for sure wreck.
Location: Closer to the North Pole than the Equator
Posts: 344
Re: Should I trust her?
Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy
S- I disagree, this wasn't a date, it was a booty call. He isn't letting her do any thing, he can't control her, but he can control his action and behaviors, so by not standing up and setting his boundries, he may indirectly be "letting" her, but lets face it, his wife has no boundries of her own when it come to acting like a wife.
In IMO she has lost all her right to privacy and he should step up and quitely investigate her commitment to the marriage, b/c your right, "the train has left the rail" and if he doesn't step up now this train will for sure wreck.
Yeah, I think you have summed it up better than I did. I agree with your statement that it was more of a booty call.
The wife's lack of boundaries are a major problem here.
No,
Lets say you went out late to meet a old female friend from high school and you are the one texting all the time, and you were the one that told your wife you would stop contacting her?
Just b/c you were her 1st everything don't you think she would still have a problem with that?
The opinion is the same
She is disrespecting her marriage and her husband, she has no boundries, and her moral compass is way off.
You can not trust her and you need to confront this with real consequences.
She is justifying her behavior and protecting herself. She is obviously already involved with another man. I don't know if it's gone physical but it will. The emotional part is already there and the physical comes next...
She needs to stop, the outcome of all this is going to be a lot of hurt and pain.
Just for the record they were friends in high school, and I was her first love and first everything pretty much. Does this change any opinions?
Nope. It's inappropriate. And she's flaunting it by continuing to see and talk to him after you've asked her to stop.
Reverse the situation. Let's say you have a platonic friend. But, your wife is very jealous of her and asks you to stop seeing her. Do you tell your wife to get lost? Or do you tell your wife that you'll end contact and then move the relationship underground? Or do you explain to your friend that, even though she's a friend, your marriage means more to you than any friendship could?
And really, how good of a friend could this guy be if they haven't kept in touch for years? Your wife is just crushing on this guy while playing you for a chump.
Install a keylogger and a VAR and tell her to end her contact with him or with you. Her choice.
Should I trust her? 
