Wasn't trying to say you weren't working at all; triggers don't go away easily. I worry about all the same things you referenced. I know I don't have the same marriage; I choose to hope it is and will continue to be better. Having your best friend, spouse, and lover betray your trust feels like you are dying. I wish you luck in dealing with it all. This forum is so helpful; you are not alone! I also told my H to go be with OW if that is what he needed; I wanted him to know I deserved all of him. I didn't want to be 2nd choice. Those words were so hard to speak!! I am happier now that I feel like he chose me again-met her before we were married. I still struggle some days, think that is part of the deal. Best wishes to find peace and happiness for yourself. Posted via Mobile Device
I know we have had some things in common with our situations and how we've handled things. I went through all of the thoughts you've posted about, particularly the fighting yourself to find it in you to forgive.
We have had highs, lows, very down lows, and finally we are on something resembling "normal." It has started to come once he has opened up and started showing his vulnerable side. That for me showed me he really was in it for the long haul. He said something last week that came from the heart: "I would do anything in the world to show you that I *am* the man I was before, that you want me to be." He was so humble and genuine I *felt* it. You know what I mean? Some words feel empty, some feel like they're being said because they think you want to hear them, but that really helped me. I was so focussed on *me* and how *I* felt that I found it incredibly hard to even contemplate that he had pain too. Mainly because he hardly showed it. Him showing the pain from what I thought of him and what he'd done made me realize he *was* remorseful. He was sorry. He *did* want me and our family.
Of course I'm not saying change your mind. My priority, knowing how I swing from mood to mood regarding this, was to give it time. As long as I was still here, trying, I knew I still thought there was something worth saving. Going to MC, him using the stuff from there, I could see more and more that he was making an effort to make things better.
Do you think you need more time? I know you feel the angst, do you feel that it is the right decision or do you want to mull it over, see how you feel? Sometimes I'd tell myself I'd had enough, I couldn't bear to even think about it, let alone deal with it, and I was done. Then we'd have an awesome evening, or dinner together, or a great time with the kids, and I'd be questioning myself.
However, if you feel at peace still, then I am happy for you. You must do what is right for your life and what you feel you can handle looking into the future with what you know now.
Sammy, sorry you were having a bad day yesterday, we all have them, mine is today! 20th anniversary, and all I wanted to do was sleep thru it. I am trying to keep busy today with work.
I have my best friend who recently separated and she says "it's not easy" you will question yourself over and over again. However, if you feel it is the right decision for you, then stick with it and it Will get better. This is her advice, not mine, for as you know, i'm not there yet....sigh.
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I do love my husband. He has done a 180 turn around. He has cried the tears,1000 x over and I have felt them with him. He is very remorseful. I know he really is.
We have agreed we will not D and stay married to each other, attend family gathering together,etc... if there is reason. Still share the holidays if there are plans, we just aren't going to live together as man and wife. We have almost 30 years of being together, there is too much to just throw away, yes, Ive changed, and sadly now, the view is just different now from where I sit.
I'm so sorry Sammy. I hope your decision is what you need to heal and move forward. A LS needs to do what is right for them to get past the betrayal, so they can enjoy life again.
Thank you for thinking of me I have never felt the depth of loneliness than brought on by infidelity. All I want is me back.
~sammy
This could have been written by me. I said the same thing to spouse today. I soooo want me back, the person I was before the affair. It hurts so much..... I so know how you feel and I pray you will find what you need, I pray I will too...
Has anyone on the board felt this and when does it go away?
I think we all feel this way.
Some may be able to 'bounce back' at some point to their old self... but personally I know I am forever changed, never to be the same. It's helped me to simply accept that, know it, even embrace the slight positives in it (not taking sh*t from people)...
yes that's it it's never the same again I didn't cheat why do I have to live with this triggers and memories and the doubt will she do this again no one deserve this
may be I'm saying this because where I live D in the favor of LS but I think even If I'm gonna lose everything I'll be in the same attitude even if I'll see my kids only half time I'll make sure they know that's not dad's fault and I couldn't just live like this
I too am a changed man, and have never been in a fist fight in my life. I'm also intelligent to think things through, so while knocking someones teeth out may seem reasonable at a given moment, I finish the sequence and picture myself in an orange suit in front of a judge for manslaughter, should the guy I just knocked out hit his head on pavement or something like that. Clearly, many of our WSs lack the ability to think about the consequences of what they are doing. In my wife's case "oh wait, you mean I could destroy everything, be kicked out of the house my husband owned before I came into the picture, change the kid's lives forever, and end up with either no one of the loser I was with that recently filed for personal BK". Yes hunny, that is thinking things through.
What I'm getting at is that while I will certainly take positives away from this terrible experience, I do expect that the "no sh!t from people policy", which was underwritten as of end of May 2011, could potentially lead to confrontations I previously chose to not engage in. Not necessarily a bad thing to stand up for yourself, but I think it's important to remember the "you have more to lose" concept.
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I do love my husband. He has done a 180 turn around. He has cried the tears,1000 x over and I have felt them with him. He is very remorseful. I know he really is.
We have agreed we will not D and stay married to each other, attend family gathering together,etc... if there is reason. Still share the holidays if there are plans, we just aren't going to live together as man and wife. We have almost 30 years of being together, there is too much to just throw away, yes, Ive changed, and sadly now, the view is just different now from where I sit.
~sammy
I'm not the same either; I don't feel the same way about him. He thinks I'm just being unkind. How can I feel the same about someone who chose another woman over me? I would like to feel that way again, but it just isn't going to happen. I know myself well. This is something I just won't get over completely and I think it is unreasonable for him to think that I can. Actions do have consequences. Some of those consequences are not reversible. Wounds do heal, but scars remain. My first M was to a man who put every other person ahead of me. I tried to make that work for 20 years, but I could never get through his selfishness to the degree that he was ever able to see me. My present H had been cheated on by his first wife, and knew what it felt like. I thought I was safe with him, and he kept telling me that I was, even while he cheated on me. Oh I know it was " a mid life crisis" ego thing, but I'm older too. He had his A with someone younger than one of my daughters( my ego wasn't even considered). The b***h is married and studying to be a MC, of all things!. If these two selfish people didn't know the full meaning and import of what they were doing, then no one ever will. I have always been the giver of support and understanding; the facilitator and advocate. On that basis he thought he could do what he wanted and I would understand, forgive and just get over it, no problem! Now I will be my own advocate, I will not try to pretend that everything is the same, and I won't just get over it. I don't intend to ever be that naive person who believed whatever he told me( including the "I love you" avowals). As far as I can see, any other course would be an affirmation of his actions, choices and assumptions. He made his bed and he can lie in it. D is not an option for us either.
No Sammy it's not, and wishing won't make it so. Thank you for the commiseration. I wish cheaters would realize that they will be caught, and there will be consequences. If they "love" their spouses, as they say they do ( almost invariably) then they need to realize that it is called betrayal for a damn good reason, and that their spouse will likely never feel the same about them. I can't leave ( economics ), but It has been very hard to stay. He is a huge trigger, and she has made way too many cameos. I wish you the best, and I think that I understand how you feel. Hugs
Re: It is different... 
