My Father is Cheating on Mom with Escorts, What Do I Do?
I just discovered that my dad is seeing escorts/ or paying for sex. This is a shocker because he just turned 70 years old this year. I found this out because he forgot his cell phone at my apartment over the weekend. We have the same phones so I mistook his phone for mine. He has been married to my mom for the last 40 years or more. I do not know how long this has been going on, but at least a year that I know. He is the most loving, wonderful caring dad who is always there for me when I need him. I am not good with keeping secrets. I do not want to keep this secret either. I want to tell him that I know but am afraid of losing our close bond. Unfortunately, I do not have a good relationship with my mother or brother. This has shattered my view of him as the moral person I thought I knew all my life. I am looking for advice and comments, I am afraid for his safety and well being. I am also afraid for the safety of my mother and our finances. It appears from the text messages these hook ups he pursues are after money as their primary goal.
I just discovered that my dad is seeing escorts/ or paying for sex. This is a shocker because he just turned 70 years old this year. I found this out because he forgot his cell phone at my apartment over the weekend. We have the same phones so I mistook his phone for mine. He has been married to my mom for the last 40 years or more. I do not know how long this has been going on, but at least a year that I know. He is the most loving, wonderful caring dad who is always there for me when I need him. I am not good with keeping secrets. I do not want to keep this secret either. I want to tell him that I know but am afraid of losing our close bond. Unfortunately, I do not have a good relationship with my mother or brother. This has shattered my view of him as the moral person I thought I knew all my life. I am looking for advice and comments, I am afraid for his safety and well being. I am also afraid for the safety of my mother and our finances. It appears from the text messages these hook ups he pursues are after money as their primary goal.
I recently asked a man who cheated why he did it. Primarily--sex. Men need and want sex and are willing to get it at any risk. He's willing to risk STDs, losing your mom and your bond. When men cheat they are thinking about getting what they want. They are not thinking about any of the fall out.
When you want chocolate, you want chocolate. You don't calculate how many miles you may have to run to work it off. And once you are satisfied, you want another one. And it wasn't hard to get. I'm sorry you discovered this. I can't imagine if it were my dad. All you can do is talk to him about what you found out. You can't tell your mom. You will cause a huge rift between your parents IF she doesn't know. She may be turning a blind eye and allow the infidelity. That's between your parents.
Ask your father two questions: (1) who is (name of escort)? And (2) has he told his wife? You have to let him make his choices. Perhaps you knowing will make him reconsider what he is doing. But if he is caught up in the lust and passion that he may not be getting at home, he's addicted to the attention. And there won't be anything you can do to make him stop. He's an adult. Men need and want sex. Your dad is a passionate man and he's fulfilling a need he's not getting met at home. Sorry dear. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: My Father is Cheating on Mom with Escorts, What Do I Do?
Quote:
Originally Posted by smartyblue
I recently asked a man who cheated why he did it. Primarily--sex. Men need and want sex and are willing to get it at any risk. He's willing to risk STDs, losing your mom and your bond. When men cheat they are thinking about getting what they want. They are not thinking about any of the fall out.
When you want chocolate, you want chocolate. You don't calculate how many miles you may have to run to work it off. And once you are satisfied, you want another one. And it wasn't hard to get. I'm sorry you discovered this. I can't imagine if it were my dad. All you can do is talk to him about what you found out. You can't tell your mom. You will cause a huge rift between your parents IF she doesn't know. She may be turning a blind eye and allow the infidelity. That's between your parents.
Ask your father two questions: (1) who is (name of escort)? And (2) has he told his wife? You have to let him make his choices. Perhaps you knowing will make him reconsider what he is doing. But if he is caught up in the lust and passion that he may not be getting at home, he's addicted to the attention. And there won't be anything you can do to make him stop. He's an adult. Men need and want sex. Your dad is a passionate man and he's fulfilling a need he's not getting met at home. Sorry dear. Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you so much for your thoughts! It is so consoling to know my story is being heard. This problem is tearing a hole in my gut, because it has not sunk in yet. I feel perhaps I should elaborate a little more on the situation.
I wish that my dad was only seeing one prostitute/ escort. From the messages I read there have been several over a year. Interesting though, there is one primary woman now. She seems to be getting a little possessive lately. Over this last weekend she called and called, and texted him like mad. She may be trying to extort money out of him, according to one particular message that mentioned a savings acct.
No I do not want to tell my mom. Even if I don't get along with her, I know this is HUGE. That he has come to this, I think it must be emotional and physical. He does look rather old now and has a pacemaker. It is just that mom and dad always argued a lot. Mom is kind of uptight and high strung. She complains ALOT about little things it was enough to drive me crazy since I was fourteen. I know that I have to tell him because I like to live in the real world. I only hope that he will see what he is doing from my perspective and maybe it will bring about some self reflection.
Re: My Father is Cheating on Mom with Escorts, What Do I Do?
I hate to be mundane about this---but the longer you allow this to go on, the more you give up
The money he spends on prostitutes, and it could be considerable, is money taken from your pocket, as eventually it would go to you as part of your fathers estate
I know when someone dies, it is preferable that they spend all their money, and pass on with a zero balance in their acct---but that isn't how it works out
If he was having an A---some money would be spent---but not like what he is probably giving away to prosties
She may be after him, cuz her pimp is after her to produce more, and he just might be a good touch for her
In all reality, your mother does deserve to know. If someone was cheating on you, and a relative knew of it---you would be pi*sed off, if they kept you in the dark
Re: My Father is Cheating on Mom with Escorts, What Do I Do?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jnj express
I hate to be mundane about this---but the longer you allow this to go on, the more you give up
The money he spends on prostitutes, and it could be considerable, is money taken from your pocket, as eventually it would go to you as part of your fathers estate
I know when someone dies, it is preferable that they spend all their money, and pass on with a zero balance in their acct---but that isn't how it works out
If he was having an A---some money would be spent---but not like what he is probably giving away to prosties
She may be after him, cuz her pimp is after her to produce more, and he just might be a good touch for her
In all reality, your mother does deserve to know. If someone was cheating on you, and a relative knew of it---you would be pi*sed off, if they kept you in the dark
Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. Yes, I know I am feeling a sense of urgency. I have had enough experience myself to recognize when someone might be getting used. Here is more info...
He said in one text message that he had "loved" this woman at one time. My dad has a big heart and he loves easily. Maybe too easily. He can cry over a Hallmark card at the drop of a hat.
I do not know the extent of the money spending. I realize that my mother is the victim here also. What is more complicated is that she is very codependent. She likes the traditional housewife role and has never had a career, even though she graduated from college. She is a naturally anxious person, that is just how it is. This would crush her to the core. I do not think she could take care of herself at this age. They are from an older generation, so it really makes it confusing to apply a modern viewpoint to this situation. Also yes, I have experienced someone cheating on me so I know how it feels- not good.
Re: My Father is Cheating on Mom with Escorts, What Do I Do?
You can either ignore it, tell your father you know, or tell your mother.
If your father had a one night stand, felt remorseful about it, and you found out, then I think you could ignore it.
But this is an ongoing thing. He is physically, emotionally, and financially involved with an escort. I think you have to tell your mother.
Just realize that, if this blows up their marriage, it wasn't your fault. It was his. Also, it's possible that she knows. She may have given him permission, or he may not know that she knows.
Just try to think of all the possibilities before you act.
Re: My Father is Cheating on Mom with Escorts, What Do I Do?
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Originally Posted by PHTlump
You can either ignore it, tell your father you know, or tell your mother.
If your father had a one night stand, felt remorseful about it, and you found out, then I think you could ignore it.
But this is an ongoing thing. He is physically, emotionally, and financially involved with an escort. I think you have to tell your mother.
Just realize that, if this blows up their marriage, it wasn't your fault. It was his. Also, it's possible that she knows. She may have given him permission, or he may not know that she knows.
Just try to think of all the possibilities before you act.
Thanks again for the advice. I am taking in all the advice from everyone. It is helping me feel less alone with this burden. I am weighing out all the possibilities of how this could play out, I am trying to figure out the approach that will do the least damage to my relationship with my dad.
In respect to my mother. I believe it is very likely that they have stopped having sex all together. She is not as free and giving with her affection. She can be loving but not always physically. They are more like friends now.
What I wish I knew is how this compulsion started with him in seeking out sex. Could maybe it be from lack of warmth from mom? Maybe this was what drove him to experiment, but now is it possible that it has turned into a type of addiction? I just wonder if he could stop if he wanted to? One of my friends suggests that it could be a relief for him to see that I know. So far it is pretty weird, because I saw him yesterday and he is not letting on that this phone mishap could lead to anything. He is acting like everything is totally normal. Also ironically their Wedding Anniversary is coming up next month on September 23rd.
Re: My Father is Cheating on Mom with Escorts, What Do I Do?
You could send him an E-Mail, as if it was from an unknown source, say in the E-Mail---you know he is cheating, and if he doesn't stop instantly----everyone, and I mean everyone he knows will be told of his cheating----that may get him to stop
It won't help your mother---but what is it that you really want to do about all of this?????
Re: My Father is Cheating on Mom with Escorts, What Do I Do?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jnj express
You could send him an E-Mail, as if it was from an unknown source, say in the E-Mail---you know he is cheating, and if he doesn't stop instantly----everyone, and I mean everyone he knows will be told of his cheating----that may get him to stop
It won't help your mother---but what is it that you really want to do about all of this?????
Thank you for your suggestion. That is a very creative idea, and could maybe work if my dad did not share an email address with my mom.
I would like to report that this is going to be handled very soon, maybe this week. I am gathering up my courage and am planning a meeting. I tried to contact my brother for some support however it does not seem likely he will respond. I am thinking he might already know as well. He helped my dad with some technical problems with his cell. Dad is very trusting to just carelessly let his phone get handled by us.
You asked what I hope the outcome might be? There are no good outcomes. The only outcome for me is that dad and I will not have this secret between us. It will be up to him what he decides to do next. I am not trying to break up the marriage by any means. If it was just an affair with one person it would be different. An escort/ prostitute service brings this to another level of risk.
Re: My Father is Cheating on Mom with Escorts, What Do I Do?
I dont know how old you are or what your relationship status is but I would like to set the record strait lest you think that the sex with prostitutes is somehow justifiable because a man has sexual desires. It is not.
Your father engaged in illegal and immoral activity. Not only that, he spends time and money on these prostitutes and expended emotional feelings on women who did nothing for him but give a few minutes of pleasure. If he is having any sexual contact with your mother, then in essence she is having sex with prostitutes too.
You may worship him as a hero but ill bet your mother doesn't and for just cause. You are naive to think that he started seeking sex out side of the marriage 1 year ago. I'll bet a few pennies that he has been doing it for quite some time during the matrriage.
So you see your mother who, it appears, remained with this man, had his kids, stood by him has been rewarded with a man who spends time and money and emotions directed at paid sex workers. Nice moral man?
You may not like your mother but at lest understand that if she is married to a man who can do this for a few minites of sexual pleasure, what else has he done? She may have more to complain about than you know.
Be careful how you evaluate both your parents. Your mother's personality is no reason for your father to risk her health, her emotional stability, risk police action, extortion, blackmail and siphon off the family finances. Your farther may appear to be a loving man but clearly there is another side of him that is the side your mother sees.
Step into your mothers shoes for a while and try to see your father the way she sees him. Why not forgive her for what ever rift that has been created between you. Try to understand her. There is nothing worse than a child who rejects one parent in favor of another without knowing the full story.
You have no idea why your mother is the way she is. Did it occur to you that your father may actually be a very selfish man? It is quite possible that your mother has endured much pain and humiliation at the hands of your father during her marriage.
You don't know because she may have shielded you from the knowledge. She may have preserved his image to his kids. He comes out looking like a rose and the very kids she protected are estranged from her because she is nervous.
If you were married to a man who frequented prostitutes you'd get a little high strung too. She may have sacrificed a lot for you and endured a difficult life to keep a family intact.
Now she needs you. She needs a wise and kind daughter who sees her as a human being not just a mother.Make no assumptions about her and her difficulties in the future just try to be there for her.
I think you are old enough to act maturely and to slowly get to know your mother as a person. Find out her story, you may find that she is the one who should garner admiration for her sacrifices and steadfastness.
I hope you will be able to use this as a life lesson. Married women seldom get the respect that they deserve in this society. Many women make sacrifices to hold the family together but in our sex-crazed, immediate gratification, throw away society, the steadfastness of an aging woman is not honored.
I hope you will do a little to make that right by offering your mother unconditional love. Things are not always what they seem.
My Father is Cheating on Mom with Escorts, What Do I Do? 
