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Shes going to lake Tahoe to visit her mom, her ex boyfriend will be there

8K views 24 replies 17 participants last post by  ThePheonix 
#1 ·
How do I bring up my concerns, without making her feel like I am insecure, or not giving her freedom to visit her mom ? We had issues 5 or 6 years ago, I just hate to re visit all that again.
 
#4 ·
Her actions 5 years ago will always effect her, you, your future kids, and your marriage. At some point in the future it may well cause a tipping point where you will commit adultery. I would put the odds at 70 percent her and 30 percent you will commit adultery. I put her at 70 percent not on past behavior but how easy it is for women to get NSA sex due to a lot of broken guys.

I also get her need for you to trust her. Living under a cloud is no way to live.

What mutually agreed boundaries have you agreed upon? Once set you need to live up to them. Failure to do so is on you not her
This is the cost of being married to her.

So, more info on this, her trip and the ex.
 
#5 ·
I think that she has to live with the consequences of her past actions and if that means she can't make this trip, at least with out you being there, then so be it. I would like more information, like what do you mean the EX will be there? Can you explain further?

One thing about asking her not to go is that you have to be prepared for the inevitable answer "I'm going anyway, get over it." Based on what I know about your story, you have the right to voice your concern and to do so firmly and confidently. The question is what do you do if she doesn't care about your concerns.
 
#6 ·
And with a blind shot in the dark I would say her response may be "given my non stop efforts to prove myself to you, you need to learn to sone agree to trust again.
 
#8 ·
I have read his other threads.

Is the Ex BF who will be there the same person who she was in the car with and admitted to kissing from 5 years ago?

Or is it just an old Ex BF who happens to live in the same town as her Mom? If this is the case, you should not try to stop her from visiting her Mom.

Just hope that she has learned her lesson about inappropriate behavior.
 
#9 ·
Either you have a cheater or you don't. If you do, you're better off unloading her onto someone else. This ex boyfriend might do you the biggest favor of your life. I'm pretty sure your wife already knows that you'd disapprove of her having an affair, so what's the point of mentioning it? If she's not faithful to you because she wants to be faithful to you, then what do you want with her? You can't watch her 24/7.
 
#10 ·
The title of this thread is "Shes going to lake Tahoe to visit her mom, her ex boyfriend will be there". The answer to your question in the post depends on what you mean by "there". If by "there" you mean that he will be in the same general area as her, but she will not need to talk to him, that is one thing. If by "there" you mean that they will likely be talking, that is another thing. The answer also depends on if the ex boyfriend is he same guy that you had issues with 5 or 6 years ago.
 
#11 ·
At some point it has to be you..

You have to trust her or don't..

You have to be happy or not..

You have to keep her or cut her loose..

Trust me I've been there SEVERAL TIMES... There were times I just had to shut the fvck up and deal with my issues personally for the sake of the relationship..

Mind you I eventually got divorced as she just continued to cheat.. It also made me a bit fvcked up and not trusting..

BUT.....

I don't regret that I DID THE RIGHT THING FOR OUR MARRIAGE...

I walked away knowing I didn't do anything bad here.. I could have cheated many of times myself and I never did.. I'm happy I never did..

If you want this.. Then keep telling yourself exactly that.. I am doing this because I want this.. I want this relationship.. Sometimes you do have to talk to yourself and rationalize stuff with yourself..

But after 5 or 6 years you cannot beat yourself or her up anymore about an incident.. You just can't..
 
#13 ·
It sounds like a lot of rug sweeping here.....now and 5-6 years ago!!!!

I''m going to take a guess here since OP posted here at CWI and that issue is ....his old lady phucked her exboyfriend.

If this is the case then bad behavior has consequences and going back to her home town is out of the question....her mom can come and see her instead or she can stay in her home town for good.

Or...your old lady waits until you both go visit mom.

Again bad behavior has consequences.

Set you boundaries.

Stop sharing your wife!
 
#15 ·
This is hard to comment on without particulars.

Are you just jealous of the ex or is there a reason?

Did she cheat before?

Did she cheat with the ex bf?

Surprisingly, the most jealous of any man my H was an ex bf that he had no reason to be jealous OF.

We dated for 3 months when my ex husband and I were on a 4 month break. (Before we got married). He was a "space filler", great guy, but no future. We always remained friendly, it was fun while it lasted and nothing more. He's now married to a GREAT woman and they are completely happy and I'm happy for them. If I see them out, I hug her and say hey to him. I never loved him or planned a future with him. Never understood why my H was jealous of him, other than the fact that he is a great looking guy. It took my H a while to understand that this guy was no threat whatsoever, but after a while he did and it was all good.

Is this a similar situation, or is there an actual reason?
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#21 ·
This is hard to comment on without particulars.

Are you just jealous of the ex or is there a reason?

Did she cheat before?

Did she cheat with the ex bf?

Surprisingly, the most jealous of any man my H was an ex bf that he had no reason to be jealous OF.

We dated for 3 months when my ex husband and I were on a 4 month break. (Before we got married). He was a "space filler", great guy, but no future. We always remained friendly, it was fun while it lasted and nothing more. He's now married to a GREAT woman and they are completely happy and I'm happy for them. If I see them out, I hug her and say hey to him. I never loved him or planned a future with him. Never understood why my H was jealous of him, other than the fact that he is a great looking guy. It took my H a while to understand that this guy was no threat whatsoever, but after a while he did and it was all good.

Is this a similar situation, or is there an actual reason?
Posted via Mobile Device

A 3 month relationship....... the question I have is, why is so important to keep a person whom you only knew for a couple of months in your life when it bothers your husband?
 
#16 ·
#17 ·
I read those threads and am still confused.

1. He never says that the car-kiss guy was/is an Ex BF.
2. The post where he says she showed him the text to the car-guy that says "whatever happened in the car can never happen again" makes no sense. Who writes like that? " There will be no kissing" or "no more sex" would make sense - but "whatever happened" makes it seem like she was not even there and is unsure of what did happen.

If the ExBF is just a guy who she used to date years ago who happens to still live in the same town as her mother. Hell my wife an I live in a town where many of her and my Exs still live. We can' avoid running into them on occasion. No big deal.

I think he never really got over the kiss and her explanations of what happened back then and is still unreasonably paranoid.

However, trust but verify is a good basic rule.
 
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