My husband and I have been together for a total of 7 years, married for 2. We have together overcome the most difficult phase of our relationship. As far as I'm concerned, we are (were) in a great place in our relationship. We are (were) genuinely happy and it felt amazing to reach that level. It was not easy getting there but we triumphed. And then...
I happened to open his cc bill and saw a motel charge. (I think this is maybe the second time I have EVER opened his mail. Was not looking for anything. Really, just wanted to shred it bc unopened mail tends to stack up in our home. But then I looked at the bill.) He denied it at first, but within minutes he confessed. I can tell when he lies--have learned this via small lies that usually don't matter but lies nonetheless. Lies however small are very telling of a person's character. Like, if it's a small and stupid lie, why does a person even feel compelled to tell it? Rather, than facing the truth and its consequences, lying tells about a person's moral character. And so, each time he does tell an insignificant lie to whomever--his boss, his father, me, the waiter... they are each an opportunity for me to learn about his character yes, but also about how he lies. There is a different attitude that is assumed, a different tone in the voice, a different pitch, etc. You know when you have known someone for long enough, you can just tell certain things.
So then, there was a drug store charge, a restaurant charge and a car wash charge. Already piecing a story in my mind, I asked very calmly and little by little he shared what happened. He treated her for lunch, got her a car wash, went to buy condoms and took her to a motel (in this order based on the storyline). He met her two weeks prior at his work and she gave him her number. He called her, they chatted and intermittently spoke on the weekends for about two weeks. Then this outing occurred and they never talked again.
I do believe that nothing happened. In fact, I believe that he is not capable of cheating. He was not interested in an emotional relationship either. However, he's not aware of the root of the problem. Yes, it was a mistake and yes, it was stupid but why was he willing to cheat? Where is it rooted fundamentally?
But he did re-open one of those dumb social media/flirting/dating sites, which has previously been a problem. He enjoys the cheap thrill of women flirting back and this, in turn, makes him feel wanted. When he was little, he was bullied and thus, unwanted-- or at least, I imagine that being bullied can stir up feelings of being unwanted. He has not drawn this connection. In fact, he has not considered what further motivates his interest in potential infidelities. This is what I am most interested in. Yes, of course I do not want him to actually cheat. But, I want him to figure out why he has a desire to seek cheap thrills. I think that will help him find the root of the problem. I have spent the morning thinking and reading and trying to get a more in depth understanding of what may have possessed him to stop thinking and just go with the flow of the cheap flirtation. He told me he stopped when she said she was engaged. Like something snapped and he realized how much damage this would cause for both his marriage and her future one.
I think that if he does not stop to really understand the trigger that led him to want to act on a desire, this same issue may resurface in the future because he learned nothing from this time--except perhaps how to be more careful with his cc bills, etc.
From all of those charges, it was not the hotel that made me the angriest, and much less the condoms. It was the car wash. The car wash shows that you care about something, that he had an opinion about her car, that he rode in her car long enough to have developed that opinion, an opinion that merited consideration of what is right and wrong for the cleanliness of a car. The meal was upsetting too because she asked about me, his wife. She knew he was married. She knew where I was when all of this is happening. In fact, she picked him up so she even knew where he lives. These private details is what makes the entire story worse. Not that he had an urge to have extramarital intercourse, safe intercourse, with someone. That was the least of my concerns.
So, in spite of my disappointment (which is worse than anger), how do I help him/us, get past this by understanding the root of the problem? What types of questions should I be asking him? He refuses to see a psychologist/therapist, and I am not a trained psychologist but I do know that there is usually some other factor that can account for some actions. I refuse to believe that things just are because they are. There is something more profound and if I truly am his partner, I will provide some guidance (via questions) to carefully unravel this mess we call life.
I happened to open his cc bill and saw a motel charge. (I think this is maybe the second time I have EVER opened his mail. Was not looking for anything. Really, just wanted to shred it bc unopened mail tends to stack up in our home. But then I looked at the bill.) He denied it at first, but within minutes he confessed. I can tell when he lies--have learned this via small lies that usually don't matter but lies nonetheless. Lies however small are very telling of a person's character. Like, if it's a small and stupid lie, why does a person even feel compelled to tell it? Rather, than facing the truth and its consequences, lying tells about a person's moral character. And so, each time he does tell an insignificant lie to whomever--his boss, his father, me, the waiter... they are each an opportunity for me to learn about his character yes, but also about how he lies. There is a different attitude that is assumed, a different tone in the voice, a different pitch, etc. You know when you have known someone for long enough, you can just tell certain things.
So then, there was a drug store charge, a restaurant charge and a car wash charge. Already piecing a story in my mind, I asked very calmly and little by little he shared what happened. He treated her for lunch, got her a car wash, went to buy condoms and took her to a motel (in this order based on the storyline). He met her two weeks prior at his work and she gave him her number. He called her, they chatted and intermittently spoke on the weekends for about two weeks. Then this outing occurred and they never talked again.
I do believe that nothing happened. In fact, I believe that he is not capable of cheating. He was not interested in an emotional relationship either. However, he's not aware of the root of the problem. Yes, it was a mistake and yes, it was stupid but why was he willing to cheat? Where is it rooted fundamentally?
But he did re-open one of those dumb social media/flirting/dating sites, which has previously been a problem. He enjoys the cheap thrill of women flirting back and this, in turn, makes him feel wanted. When he was little, he was bullied and thus, unwanted-- or at least, I imagine that being bullied can stir up feelings of being unwanted. He has not drawn this connection. In fact, he has not considered what further motivates his interest in potential infidelities. This is what I am most interested in. Yes, of course I do not want him to actually cheat. But, I want him to figure out why he has a desire to seek cheap thrills. I think that will help him find the root of the problem. I have spent the morning thinking and reading and trying to get a more in depth understanding of what may have possessed him to stop thinking and just go with the flow of the cheap flirtation. He told me he stopped when she said she was engaged. Like something snapped and he realized how much damage this would cause for both his marriage and her future one.
I think that if he does not stop to really understand the trigger that led him to want to act on a desire, this same issue may resurface in the future because he learned nothing from this time--except perhaps how to be more careful with his cc bills, etc.
From all of those charges, it was not the hotel that made me the angriest, and much less the condoms. It was the car wash. The car wash shows that you care about something, that he had an opinion about her car, that he rode in her car long enough to have developed that opinion, an opinion that merited consideration of what is right and wrong for the cleanliness of a car. The meal was upsetting too because she asked about me, his wife. She knew he was married. She knew where I was when all of this is happening. In fact, she picked him up so she even knew where he lives. These private details is what makes the entire story worse. Not that he had an urge to have extramarital intercourse, safe intercourse, with someone. That was the least of my concerns.
So, in spite of my disappointment (which is worse than anger), how do I help him/us, get past this by understanding the root of the problem? What types of questions should I be asking him? He refuses to see a psychologist/therapist, and I am not a trained psychologist but I do know that there is usually some other factor that can account for some actions. I refuse to believe that things just are because they are. There is something more profound and if I truly am his partner, I will provide some guidance (via questions) to carefully unravel this mess we call life.