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he almost cheated, but why?

12K views 89 replies 42 participants last post by  lovelyblue 
#1 ·
My husband and I have been together for a total of 7 years, married for 2. We have together overcome the most difficult phase of our relationship. As far as I'm concerned, we are (were) in a great place in our relationship. We are (were) genuinely happy and it felt amazing to reach that level. It was not easy getting there but we triumphed. And then...

I happened to open his cc bill and saw a motel charge. (I think this is maybe the second time I have EVER opened his mail. Was not looking for anything. Really, just wanted to shred it bc unopened mail tends to stack up in our home. But then I looked at the bill.) He denied it at first, but within minutes he confessed. I can tell when he lies--have learned this via small lies that usually don't matter but lies nonetheless. Lies however small are very telling of a person's character. Like, if it's a small and stupid lie, why does a person even feel compelled to tell it? Rather, than facing the truth and its consequences, lying tells about a person's moral character. And so, each time he does tell an insignificant lie to whomever--his boss, his father, me, the waiter... they are each an opportunity for me to learn about his character yes, but also about how he lies. There is a different attitude that is assumed, a different tone in the voice, a different pitch, etc. You know when you have known someone for long enough, you can just tell certain things.

So then, there was a drug store charge, a restaurant charge and a car wash charge. Already piecing a story in my mind, I asked very calmly and little by little he shared what happened. He treated her for lunch, got her a car wash, went to buy condoms and took her to a motel (in this order based on the storyline). He met her two weeks prior at his work and she gave him her number. He called her, they chatted and intermittently spoke on the weekends for about two weeks. Then this outing occurred and they never talked again.

I do believe that nothing happened. In fact, I believe that he is not capable of cheating. He was not interested in an emotional relationship either. However, he's not aware of the root of the problem. Yes, it was a mistake and yes, it was stupid but why was he willing to cheat? Where is it rooted fundamentally?

But he did re-open one of those dumb social media/flirting/dating sites, which has previously been a problem. He enjoys the cheap thrill of women flirting back and this, in turn, makes him feel wanted. When he was little, he was bullied and thus, unwanted-- or at least, I imagine that being bullied can stir up feelings of being unwanted. He has not drawn this connection. In fact, he has not considered what further motivates his interest in potential infidelities. This is what I am most interested in. Yes, of course I do not want him to actually cheat. But, I want him to figure out why he has a desire to seek cheap thrills. I think that will help him find the root of the problem. I have spent the morning thinking and reading and trying to get a more in depth understanding of what may have possessed him to stop thinking and just go with the flow of the cheap flirtation. He told me he stopped when she said she was engaged. Like something snapped and he realized how much damage this would cause for both his marriage and her future one.

I think that if he does not stop to really understand the trigger that led him to want to act on a desire, this same issue may resurface in the future because he learned nothing from this time--except perhaps how to be more careful with his cc bills, etc.

From all of those charges, it was not the hotel that made me the angriest, and much less the condoms. It was the car wash. The car wash shows that you care about something, that he had an opinion about her car, that he rode in her car long enough to have developed that opinion, an opinion that merited consideration of what is right and wrong for the cleanliness of a car. The meal was upsetting too because she asked about me, his wife. She knew he was married. She knew where I was when all of this is happening. In fact, she picked him up so she even knew where he lives. These private details is what makes the entire story worse. Not that he had an urge to have extramarital intercourse, safe intercourse, with someone. That was the least of my concerns.

So, in spite of my disappointment (which is worse than anger), how do I help him/us, get past this by understanding the root of the problem? What types of questions should I be asking him? He refuses to see a psychologist/therapist, and I am not a trained psychologist but I do know that there is usually some other factor that can account for some actions. I refuse to believe that things just are because they are. There is something more profound and if I truly am his partner, I will provide some guidance (via questions) to carefully unravel this mess we call life.
 
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#3 ·
Is this for real? By paying for her car wash, he was playing Mr big shot with family money. You think they went to a hotel to talk? Don't buy for a second that nothing happened.

Is he crying sexual neglect for the reason for his betrayal? He needs to give you the passwords for his phone, email, and social media. There is no way you should tolerate any secrecy. He forfeited his privacy rights when he snuck around with this "woman."
 
#4 ·
Emilia, I am also a betrayed wife (BW). I think you have a much bigger problem here than you may realize, and I totally understand why because I've been in your shoes.

It's hard to see the people we love for who they really are. But you need to look at this logically. The first time you looked at a CC bill, you found evidence of cheating. Did you examine his past CC statements to see if anything else looked wrong? Look via his online account; don't accept a PDF or printed copy- they are easy to alter.

Another problem is his lack of remorse. You're here looking for help. He refuses therapy. He does not want to own this, learn from it and grow, to protect your marriage. He should be doing whatever it takes to earn your trust back!

I'd strongly recommend you read the evidence thread in this subforum. You should also read the stickies, and look up the 180.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk
 
#5 ·
Sorry you are here.

You told us "I believe that he is not capable of cheating". Well my lady he cheated on you and not only this time. He was using dating sites and you knew about it but keep silent-that is cheating for me.

He keep saying it is nothing and you keep defendig him. If you have some problems from youe past,childhood etc... that is not a reason you cheat on your wife/husband.

Also he is working with this woman,seeing her every single day.

My best advice for you is to find out what happend in that motel. Belive me they did not have a meal and drinks.

He knew what is he doing.Buying condoms,reserving a motel room is the end for me.

Try and talk with his other co-workes. Trust me they know a lot more. Dont feel ashamed or shy to ask them. This is your life,your marriage.

Stay strong my lady.
 
#7 ·
Emilia, for me, if his story is all true, that would still be cheating. Going on a date, planning sex, kissing and touching all crosses the line for me.
He most likely did have sex with her. My H is a terrible liar too, I could always see the signs before. But when he was having his affair he fooled me.
He told me a story about the male co-workers house he had spent the night at when the group wanted to keep drinking after the bar closed. It had details about the guys wife, his pool table/rec room set up, his name and how long he's worked there, details about him. All of it lies, right down to the pool table. I'm almost more in shock that he was able to pull off a lie like that than the affair itself.

If it came out that he did sleep with her, does that change you wanting to stay together? Does it change how you're going to go forward with the marriage?
Why is he not willing to go to therapy? What about marriage counseling?

I've struggled with the "whys" myself but in my own marriage there was a lot missing and failing that made us weaker, you guys were doing great. The reasons then get a lot more tricky and counseling would help a lot.

I used a lot of the info on this site Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice after my H's affair and it helped us, but nothing could really begin until I had all the information and the affair was 100% done and he had no more contact with her. Maybe read through the forum there too.
 
#8 ·
Wait, he took her on a lunch date, washed her car, bought condoms, got a hotel room, and then what. Just had a conversation? sitting in a hotel room with condoms?
Why exactly would he stop there? Why would her being engaged stop him, when clearly, his being married didn't stop him.

Get tested for STD's. Do the 180. If he wants to keep you, he needs to show some remorse and win you back. It shouldn't be only you scrambling to fix this, unless he's reacting to a sexless marriage (in which case both of you should be working together to fix it.)

He's blaming his need to go outside the marriage for flirting and sexual attention on his being bullied as a child? If he was mistreated as a child, for real, why on earth would he grow up and be disloyal to you? I could maybe understand if he was sexually abused as a child by a parental figure or something, projecting that into needing lots of opposite sex validation as an adult. But not bullied at school. I think he's using that to gain your sympathy, and to distract you from his infidelity.

I too would be looking at any cc or bank account statements i could find. Odds are, this isn't the first time, only the first time he was caught.
 
#9 ·
He slept with her. You need to accept that.

I don't know a man alive (or maybe even a woman) who could buy condoms, go to dinner, pay for a hotel and not "seal the deal". I mean unless he couldn't get his soldier to salute.

I myself had a PA. I stopped a minute in (not intercourse) because yes, I had a moment of clarity. But you need to realize, SOMETHING happened.

Maybe intent without follow through is enough to make it ok to you. I may possibly be the same way. I can see that blurred line.

What will you do when you find out the FULL story? Will you still stay? That's the question you need to answer. Because there IS more.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#13 · (Edited)
I don't know if this helps you or not, but here goes.


I am a HD Adventurous guy and my wife is more a LD conservative woman. I get in the mood quite easily were as she does not. Our relationship is great and we've been through a lot together. Married over 16 years. We seldom fight and get along quite nicely. Lots of cuddling on the couch, talking, doing things together or having our own space. But none of that changes the fact I am a HD adventurous hubby. I could have adventurous sex and physical contact every day and sometimes multiple times a day if I'm really in the mood. My wife could have sex 1x month, maybe 2x month, conservative, doggy and only once each time. I was and still am sexually and physically starved for the most part. I've just gotten used to it at this point, so I bought myself a sex toy to take care of business when it hits me. I used to frequent chat sites and flirted with many women. Some even sent pics. Porn was an almost daily thing for me because my wife is LD conservative. As I got older, my sex drive is much more controllable now and my porn viewing is maybe 1x every few months. Now our marriage is great in all respects, just not sexually and physically. Yet my wife thinks everything is great because we've been through so much together over our 16+ years of marriage.

I've heard that if a woman takes care of her mans needs (sexually), she will have a happy and faithful man. I've heard that from a few couples already.

If my wife was HD adventurous, my needs would be met and I never would of become sexually and physically starved, chatted and flirted with many ladies and viewed porn. My interest in other women and porn is zero when she actually takes care of my needs. I honestly forget about porn and don't even look at other ladies.

I like:

- oiled breast jobs
- oiled foot jobs
- lots of oral
- anal is she's adventurous
- any and all toys
- using a vib on her
- using a hollow strap on "big" for her
- love the wetness and mess
- etc., etc, etc.

She is LD conservative so none of this happens yet she knows I would love it.


Could be sexual mismatch?

Take the 5 love languages quiz separately and compare results.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/


I am Physical rating 12 and my wife is Acts of service rating 12.
I am HD adventurous and she is LD conservative


Again, if this doesn't help you, I apologize. Just trying to get you to see this from a HD guys standpoint, if that's the case.
 
#14 ·
He has in the past gone on various dating/hook up sites. He is doing it presently.

He met a woman and accepted her contact info. He then arranged to meet her for lunch and sex. He bought condoms and paid for a hotel, but claims nothing happened.

Seems to me he is a serial cheater and he is a better liar than you give him credit for. He won't own his behavior, but blames it on being bullied as a child. Because, somehow, being bullied as a child means not knowing right from wrong and having zero self control as an adult...

Not only will he not own his behavior, but he won't seek help in order to cease said behavior.

My advice? Either accept that your DH will have the occasional affair and turn a blind eye or leave.

Why does he "almost cheat"? The simple answer is because he wants to.
 
#15 · (Edited)
As far as I am concern .......
I asked very calmly ......
I do believe that nothing happened ......
I believe that he is not capable of cheating ........
I imagine that being bullied .........
This is what I am most interested in ......
I do not want him to actually cheat ......
I want him to figure out why he has a desire ........
I think that will help him .........
I have spent the morning thinking ........
I think that if he does not stop ............
How do I help him ........
What types of questions should I be asking .....
I do not know that there is usually some other factor ...........
I refuse to believe that things just are because they are .....
I will provide some guidance ...........

Emilia ~
YOU are the ONLY one who cares.
HE does NOT care.
YOU must get YOURSELF out of this horrible case of DENIAL.
VH
 
#17 ·
Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I do not know what exactly to do next but counseling sounds like a good step.

(In my original post, i said that he refuses to see a therapist ... actually, this is what he has said in general about therapy in general for any sort of issue not necessarily for the current problem. So, hopefully this is a recourse that he proposes, and if he doesn't, I will.)

I found all of this out this morning and have spent the day reading and writing and thinking. I do not believe that I can easily toss seven years of investment and do believe that people make mistakes for which consequences exist. Whether we can recover this I am unsure but I do think we are worth trying. Once I have given it my all and am made certain that he has too, then a re-evaluation will need to occur.

Yes, perhaps I am too trusting or naive or whatever but I choose to believe part of his story. I do not know how not to be in denial or whether being unbiased will ever be possible. I believe a relationship is built on trust and communication. I am uncertain whether or not something happened, or if I will ever know the truth, or if there is a fuller truth than what I currently know--I do however, know that the intent is sufficient to break up the so-called trust and communication that maintain a strong relationship. And, he has done that, of that I am sure.
 
#18 ·
Please at least do the STD check.
 
#20 ·
If you continue the relationship make sure you get passwords to everything, if he will give it to you( If not walk). For sure get checked for STDs and make one of the conditions that he does too, and you want to see the test results(better yet go with him).

He also needs to understand that he lost all privacy on his phone and computer,and that you will randomly check it whenever you feel like you need to.

You need to make the conditions for the relationship to continue tough, do not rug sweep or he will keep cheating. Only if he is willing to go along with your conditions do you give him the time of day.

I do have a feeling you just got a trickle story of what he has done, I have a feeling that you will find out more and more of what he has been up to behind your back as you ask questions.

I for one could not stand to stay in my relationship, but there was more going on in mine then just the cheating. I wish you luck for whatever you decide.
 
#22 ·
I used to joke that my husband could never lie to me. I believed with complete & utter certainty that he wasn't capable of cheating on me. I went into shock when I discovered his betrayal.

I'm sorry, truly sorry. I think you're only just discovering the rabbit hole. You have no idea how deep it goes!

He's lost his privilege of privacy. Snoop! Snoop NOW before he erases all the evidence. Check his CC, email, social media, telephone, EVERYTHING! I didn't! Even after finding the receipt for her mothers day flowers I believed him when he said that they were just friends.

Or did I believe him? Really? That was when I discovered forums like this one!
 
#23 ·
OP, you are in denial. Your husband had sex with another woman. These expenses should be spent on you. He stole funds from your marital assets. You still can't believe that he is capable of cheating. In addition, he shows no remorse and lies.

You said that you have seven years invested in this marriage (only 2 years married). Can you envision 50 years in this environment? You will lose your mind. Wake up!
 
#24 ·
Please wake up, he slept with her. It's more likely that he did than didn't. The odds are that his affair went physical at least that one time. Hotel room and condoms are not used by cheaters to just talk. That's what the lunch was for.

Denial is a terrible coping mechanism Emilia. You need to sit him down and ask for full disclosure or he leaves. He will not respect you if you treat this terrible disrespect any other way. Bully crap my azz. He is an adult, a married one; he broke promises and vows. He can't get away with just a slap on the hand.

You are his wife, you are not his mommy to forgive and forget her poor bullied baby $hit. He did something terrible to YOU. He betrayed your trust, love, relationship, and vows. He needs to come clean. He needs to work on repairing the damage he has done to his partner and the marriage. If he doesn't do this, you might as well just set yourself free via divorce or accept that he will never respect you again. Why should he? With all the evidence piled against him you believed his BS.

I am sorry I am harsh, but come on, paid a hotel room to just talk?

If he has gotten on dating sites before, he was cheating before too. He is a serial cheater. Only problem this time is that you let him lie to you with all the evidence to kick his cheating a$$ out. You think you have too much time invested in this relationship To let it go? You didn't cheat. He did. He pissed on your investment (the marriage). It sucks, but that is the awful truth.

You are investing in a serial cheater. Talking to women online is emotional investment that takes away from your marriage and you. It also disrespects YOU and the vows he promised to you to forsake all others.

Emotional affairs are adultery too. He was having emotional affairs with those women on those dating sites. I wouldn't be surprised if there is evidenced of other emotional affairs turned physical in the past. After all your denial is extremely deep. You really need therapy Emilia. Your gut should of not given you peace when you first discovered he was getting online and hooking up with women to chat and God only knows what else.

Please do something to get your self respect back.
 
#26 ·
I am sorry you are here.

But sweetie, you need to wake up.

He cheated on you. No one goes to a hotel and then not hook up.

Sometimes people can really pull the wool over your eyes.

As for the posts that say you aren't keeping him happy in the sex department - I don't know if that is true or not. For some, even if you are willing to meet all their needs, they may still go elsewhere.

I never thought my first husband or my second husband would ever cheat on me. Guess what, they both did. The first one had OCD so bad he couldn't touch the door knobs in his own home without racing to the faucet to scrub all the disease off his hands. I used to think,...well at least I know he will never cheat on me. But he did, with a stranger in a bar and didn't use a condom either. This is not the reason we divorced however.

the second husband was a sweet, caring, quiet guy that would do anything for anyone. I thought I hit the jackpot for husbands! You can read my story to find out what happened there.

My point is, never believe that someone is incapable of doing something like that.

Virtual hugs to you!
 
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