He's not in love with me anymore - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 11:39 AM Thread Starter
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He's not in love with me anymore

My husband got emotionally involved with a family friend 2 years ago. She and I were friends, kids played together, families hung out, etc. All the while she and my husband started this texting thing and they played on a sports team together. Her husband found out after a few months and confronted my husband. They both said it was over, no more contact, etc. But it didn't stop for almost a year. Nothing major, but a quick text or phone call and they crossed paths a few times. I freaked out every time and he would treat me like I was crazy for being so angry. To say I was devastated and heartbroken when I first found out is an understatement. I was also pregnant at the time. It was the worst time of my life. I was extremely angry and felt like I would die of hurt and anger at times. Fastfoward to now, almost 2 years later. He's been telling me for a year now that he's not sure he's in love with me anymore. One because he found love with her he doesn't feel for me and two because of my reaction and anger to the situation. He claims he has no feelings for her anymore, but the fact that he felt something for someone else that he doesn't feel for me makes him think he can't be happy with me. I'm devastated because I don't want a divorce. I don't want our kids to go through that. I still love him. What do I do?


Last edited by Emma957; 12-03-2015 at 12:36 PM.
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post #2 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 11:44 AM
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

what do you do? Love yourself more. You are deserving of being in a relationship where you're cherished... you focus on yourself and being the best YOU you can be... let him see you do it - going out with friends, getting new hobbies, really enjoying your life.

Also, I doubt his affair (or at least contact) is over with his AP.. This smells of them being still involved.
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post #3 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 11:45 AM
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

You may have to BOUNCE your husband or the hit to your self-esteem could become an existential threat. Make sense? DUDE
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post #4 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 11:51 AM
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

Emma

Your husband is a liar.

He doesn't love you because of your reaction is a crock also.

Give defiant people what they want.
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post #5 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 12:21 PM Thread Starter
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Yeah. .I'm hearing from different people in my life I need to love myself more. Definitely something I'm trying to be better about. But I don't always know how to go about it. Telling yourself to feel something is harder than it seems, to make yourself believe it. I do have several hobbies and interests and am told by people around me how talented, etc. I am but rarely hear that from my husband. I was 19 when we met, he's all I've really ever known besides a few boyfriends in my teenage years. He says I don't meet his emotional needs...he just thinks we're not compatible anymore. I hate to break up our family. I never thought I would get divorced..it's against everything I was taught and it seems unbearable to think about. But it's his choice too. And I'm getting tired of feeling so lonely and unloved. Especially when I feel like I'm trying.
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post #6 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 12:27 PM
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

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. He says I don't meet his emotional needs...he just thinks we're not compatible anymore.
Maybe you could ask him why he married you and had children with you then? Ask him what he thinks of that sort of commitment? Maybe remind him that you have started building a family together and that you don't just up and leave a marriage and kids like that? Ask him if he is seeing the other woman and how he sees his future having to co-parent with you and perhaps have children with someone else?

I think you should try to buy some time to see whether or not your marriage is salvageable. If you didn't have children, I'd say let him go before he'd finished his sentence.....
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post #7 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 12:30 PM
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

The affair is still going on. It just went underground. You can be 100% sure of that. He's detached from you because he is STILL involved with her.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #8 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 01:11 PM
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

First thing, try to remember cheaters lie. You can tell because their mouth is moving. (Yes, yes I know there are some waywards out there who will object to that categorization, but experience has proven otherwise).

Any ways, Farsidejunky posted this in another person's thread and I think it might help.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you. That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner. Seriously, the quickest way to get them back. Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go. Agree with them and their feelings, "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye" Wouldn't that be true love? If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them? Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person. But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating. A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason? To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse? What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse? They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point, The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this. "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want. You don't fight them on this issue. You agree with their feelings, they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person. You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead", you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them", you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me" I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them.

It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision.

Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
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post #9 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

I'm pretty sure it's not still going on.. her husband was crazier than me and basically stalked her every move and would let me know when things happened between them. I haven't heard from him since last March. He was so ready to leave her, but it seems, at least according to mutual friends, they are doing good. Not that our friends know anything, I just know they're still married. I would be really surprised if they were still involved.. that would be a deal breaker for me for sure. But he claims it's not about her anymore, it's about the fact he's not in love with me. He also says he's depressed and wonders if it's because of our marriage, because he's stuck in a loveless marriage. Ok, side note, the thing that I don't understand is I feel like no amount of trying on my part is getting me anywhere. For example.. I am pretty fit, I'm 5'8', size 4, athletic, etc. and it's not like I sit at home in my sweats all day. I don't turn him down in bed, though he rarely wants me anymore. I feel like I do all these good things in life, people around me tell me how great I am (seriously I'm not bragging I'm just trying to be real here and put my feelings out there) and I'm just like really confused why I've failed to make him happy. I keep the house clean, I cook good meals, try to be good mom, I keep up with the laundry, work part time...and yet.. I never seem to be enough for him.

He's asked me to 'give him space' for 3 months. Because apparently me trying to hold his hand or hug him is repelling to him since he's not into me right now and needs his space. Meanwhile I'm left feeling so alone, and so uncertain about my future. I'm trying to hang on to this marriage and hoping that we can get through this. Has anyone else been through a spouse telling them they're not in love anymore.. and were you able to move past it and have a good marriage?
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post #10 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 01:20 PM
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

i don't really believe there is such a thing as 'falling out of love'.

it is said by wiser men than me, that love is primarily a choice, not a feeling.
feelings are fickle and come and go.
today i might have deep and wonderful feelings about my wife.
tomorrow she might tick me off and not so much.
i promised to love her until death do us part.
i must choose to do that, no matter how i feel.

so, he didn't fall out of love with you; he is choosing not to love you.

for that i am sorry.

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post #11 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

Pluto2, your response hit the same time as mine. Thanks for that.. yeah.. that's kind of what I've been feeling I need to do. Give him a calm ultimatum that if that's how he really feels then it is time for this to be over. I guess I'm just dragging my feet because 18 years together, kids, etc. . it's not easy!! But I'm seeing few happy alternatives.
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post #12 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 01:26 PM
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

He does not love you anymore because he is still in love with her. He is grieving her loss. That is why you touching him is so repelling. He needs space to grieve and figure out what to do.

Now if this was me and my H is in love and hurting for some other woman, darling, he would find his ass so fast out on the street.

Kids strive best in a happy household. They are sensing all this tension between you and your H and wondering what is going on?

For me, if you don't want me, then, no problem. I am not going to sit and watch you mop. Nor am I going to help you get over your heartbreak. My kids will be better off with me alone than, living in a house where mum is unhappy and upset all the time.

So, figure out what you want. Do you want to give him space to figure his sh!t out? Are you going to beg, plead and bargain for him to choose and love you? What do you want?
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post #13 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 01:48 PM
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

Do the 180, disconnect from him, and learn about all of your finances....Be prepared for divorce, and know what you can expect to get financially.....When you have your act together, present him with divorce papers, and a list of rentals so he can find a place to stay....It might shock him back to reality...
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post #14 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 01:58 PM
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

Your husband sounds like a real d!ck to be honest. In this case give him what he wants, he thinks he can control you with his nastiness and coldness (appears to be working for the most part). Turn it around on him, let him know what life will really be like without you, ask him to leave the house, start paying child support and see how the other half live. Start going out with friends, exercising, even dating if you both OK that during the separation.

You crying, hugging him as he inflicts you with abuse is just bolstering him. I would basically pull a complete 180 on the guy, it will either drive him off for good (good riddance) or he'll freak out and come full circle.
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post #15 of 231 (permalink) Old 12-03-2015, 02:16 PM
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Re: He's not in love with me anymore

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Originally Posted by Emma957 View Post
I'm pretty sure it's not still going on...
The way your husband is acting is textbook cheater behavior. He's STILL talking to her. He's gotten much better at hiding it. This is why soft confronts are back fire. Probably uses work email, burner phone, or something you can't get access too and neither can the crazy OW's husband.

Relationship grievers will end up throwing themselves back into plan B (you) at some point. The fact that is he so emotionally detached STILL is a dead giveaway he's still in contact. When he gives you the ILYBNILWY speech, he's hot and heavy with her. The "need space" line is code for stop investigating so I can cheat on you.

You need to wise up. The affair is still going on. INVESTIGATE but do so COVERTLY.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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