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He's not in love with me anymore

43K views 230 replies 71 participants last post by  Beatific 
#1 · (Edited)
My husband got emotionally involved with a family friend 2 years ago. She and I were friends, kids played together, families hung out, etc. All the while she and my husband started this texting thing and they played on a sports team together. Her husband found out after a few months and confronted my husband. They both said it was over, no more contact, etc. But it didn't stop for almost a year. Nothing major, but a quick text or phone call and they crossed paths a few times. I freaked out every time and he would treat me like I was crazy for being so angry. To say I was devastated and heartbroken when I first found out is an understatement. I was also pregnant at the time. It was the worst time of my life. I was extremely angry and felt like I would die of hurt and anger at times. Fastfoward to now, almost 2 years later. He's been telling me for a year now that he's not sure he's in love with me anymore. One because he found love with her he doesn't feel for me and two because of my reaction and anger to the situation. He claims he has no feelings for her anymore, but the fact that he felt something for someone else that he doesn't feel for me makes him think he can't be happy with me. I'm devastated because I don't want a divorce. I don't want our kids to go through that. I still love him. What do I do?
 
#2 ·
what do you do? Love yourself more. You are deserving of being in a relationship where you're cherished... you focus on yourself and being the best YOU you can be... let him see you do it - going out with friends, getting new hobbies, really enjoying your life.

Also, I doubt his affair (or at least contact) is over with his AP.. This smells of them being still involved.
 
#5 ·
Yeah. .I'm hearing from different people in my life I need to love myself more. Definitely something I'm trying to be better about. But I don't always know how to go about it. Telling yourself to feel something is harder than it seems, to make yourself believe it. I do have several hobbies and interests and am told by people around me how talented, etc. I am but rarely hear that from my husband. I was 19 when we met, he's all I've really ever known besides a few boyfriends in my teenage years. He says I don't meet his emotional needs...he just thinks we're not compatible anymore. I hate to break up our family. I never thought I would get divorced..it's against everything I was taught and it seems unbearable to think about. But it's his choice too. And I'm getting tired of feeling so lonely and unloved. Especially when I feel like I'm trying.
 
#6 ·
. He says I don't meet his emotional needs...he just thinks we're not compatible anymore.
Maybe you could ask him why he married you and had children with you then? Ask him what he thinks of that sort of commitment? Maybe remind him that you have started building a family together and that you don't just up and leave a marriage and kids like that? Ask him if he is seeing the other woman and how he sees his future having to co-parent with you and perhaps have children with someone else?

I think you should try to buy some time to see whether or not your marriage is salvageable. If you didn't have children, I'd say let him go before he'd finished his sentence.....
 
#8 ·
I'm sorry you find yourself here.

First thing, try to remember cheaters lie. You can tell because their mouth is moving. (Yes, yes I know there are some waywards out there who will object to that categorization, but experience has proven otherwise).

Any ways, Farsidejunky posted this in another person's thread and I think it might help.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you. That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner. Seriously, the quickest way to get them back. Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go. Agree with them and their feelings, "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye" Wouldn't that be true love? If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them? Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person. But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating. A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason? To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse? What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse? They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point, The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this. "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want. You don't fight them on this issue. You agree with their feelings, they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person. You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead", you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them", you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me" I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them.

It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision.

Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
 
#58 ·
I'm sorry you find yourself here.





The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner. Seriously, the quickest way to get them back. Nothing else works better or quicker.

And for your last point, The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this. "Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want. You don't fight them on this issue. You agree with their feelings, they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person. You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.


It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision.

Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
Pluto, I love what u said here, it's best i ever seen how to deal with a cheating partner.

AND also i like yur profile of " In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker" which fit my situation and Emma's situation here. Best Ever. For Real

i sense my hb has cheat on me years ago, that's why i stop doing things around the house for him, and hb always create sh.t around to irritate me, i didn't how to get even, after years of living with a evil hb, i learned to do same things as he does, he throw my things all around the flr, make it look like his kids from his past marriage did, i do the same thing to him, too.

the only thing i didn't repeat after him is cheating.

maybe Emma you can try my way. i was hurt and angry like u, i got heart attack of what he hb has done to me, after stop doing things for him, repeat irritating things after him, i don't get angry any more, i don't even get upset or sad when he lies to me constantly of can't come home as long as 2- 3 wks, in every other month.

stop doing things for you hb, and start to hang out with yur friends again, or just go out to have time for yur self, leave kid to him, let him practice now what he is going to get if u divorce him: he is going to have kids all by himself, cook for him, wash for him, clean up after kids, bath kids, ALL BY HIMSELF. plus, this will physically worn him out and he will lose interest and energy for his affair.

When u do above, Smile, Sweet, let him see u r happy, and give him no excuse about your ANGER.
 
#9 ·
I'm pretty sure it's not still going on.. her husband was crazier than me and basically stalked her every move and would let me know when things happened between them. I haven't heard from him since last March. He was so ready to leave her, but it seems, at least according to mutual friends, they are doing good. Not that our friends know anything, I just know they're still married. I would be really surprised if they were still involved.. that would be a deal breaker for me for sure. But he claims it's not about her anymore, it's about the fact he's not in love with me. He also says he's depressed and wonders if it's because of our marriage, because he's stuck in a loveless marriage. Ok, side note, the thing that I don't understand is I feel like no amount of trying on my part is getting me anywhere. For example.. I am pretty fit, I'm 5'8', size 4, athletic, etc. and it's not like I sit at home in my sweats all day. I don't turn him down in bed, though he rarely wants me anymore. I feel like I do all these good things in life, people around me tell me how great I am (seriously I'm not bragging I'm just trying to be real here and put my feelings out there) and I'm just like really confused why I've failed to make him happy. I keep the house clean, I cook good meals, try to be good mom, I keep up with the laundry, work part time...and yet.. I never seem to be enough for him.

He's asked me to 'give him space' for 3 months. Because apparently me trying to hold his hand or hug him is repelling to him since he's not into me right now and needs his space. Meanwhile I'm left feeling so alone, and so uncertain about my future. I'm trying to hang on to this marriage and hoping that we can get through this. Has anyone else been through a spouse telling them they're not in love anymore.. and were you able to move past it and have a good marriage?
 
#15 ·
I'm pretty sure it's not still going on...
The way your husband is acting is textbook cheater behavior. He's STILL talking to her. He's gotten much better at hiding it. This is why soft confronts are back fire. Probably uses work email, burner phone, or something you can't get access too and neither can the crazy OW's husband.

Relationship grievers will end up throwing themselves back into plan B (you) at some point. The fact that is he so emotionally detached STILL is a dead giveaway he's still in contact. When he gives you the ILYBNILWY speech, he's hot and heavy with her. The "need space" line is code for stop investigating so I can cheat on you.

You need to wise up. The affair is still going on. INVESTIGATE but do so COVERTLY.
 
#10 ·
i don't really believe there is such a thing as 'falling out of love'.

it is said by wiser men than me, that love is primarily a choice, not a feeling.
feelings are fickle and come and go.
today i might have deep and wonderful feelings about my wife.
tomorrow she might tick me off and not so much.
i promised to love her until death do us part.
i must choose to do that, no matter how i feel.

so, he didn't fall out of love with you; he is choosing not to love you.

for that i am sorry.
 
#11 ·
Pluto2, your response hit the same time as mine. Thanks for that.. yeah.. that's kind of what I've been feeling I need to do. Give him a calm ultimatum that if that's how he really feels then it is time for this to be over. I guess I'm just dragging my feet because 18 years together, kids, etc. . it's not easy!! But I'm seeing few happy alternatives.
 
#12 ·
He does not love you anymore because he is still in love with her. He is grieving her loss. That is why you touching him is so repelling. He needs space to grieve and figure out what to do.

Now if this was me and my H is in love and hurting for some other woman, darling, he would find his ass so fast out on the street.

Kids strive best in a happy household. They are sensing all this tension between you and your H and wondering what is going on?

For me, if you don't want me, then, no problem. I am not going to sit and watch you mop. Nor am I going to help you get over your heartbreak. My kids will be better off with me alone than, living in a house where mum is unhappy and upset all the time.

So, figure out what you want. Do you want to give him space to figure his sh!t out? Are you going to beg, plead and bargain for him to choose and love you? What do you want?
 
#14 ·
Your husband sounds like a real d!ck to be honest. In this case give him what he wants, he thinks he can control you with his nastiness and coldness (appears to be working for the most part). Turn it around on him, let him know what life will really be like without you, ask him to leave the house, start paying child support and see how the other half live. Start going out with friends, exercising, even dating if you both OK that during the separation.

You crying, hugging him as he inflicts you with abuse is just bolstering him. I would basically pull a complete 180 on the guy, it will either drive him off for good (good riddance) or he'll freak out and come full circle.
 
#16 ·
I agree with Pluto2.

The only way to get a person back who says he doesn't love you anymore is to let him go. No ultimatum. You can't say "start loving me or it's over." Just remove yourself from this with a smile on your face. This is your move, your time to do something, and it's the only thing you can control. Tell him he can go stay somewhere else, or depending on your circumstances or what you prefer, you could go stay elsewhere even for a short time until you figure things out.

But, also do your research, phone records, texts, emails etc to make sure he's really not seeing the other woman. You need to be absolutely certain of this because it obviously changes things.

He will only realize his true feelings for you if you remove yourself from him completely. Separate, and then see what happens. And stay strong, hold firm! Go do things for yourself for now.

If he loves you he will come back and show you. Only then can you proceed in making a better marriage together.
 
#19 ·
He wants me to "just be happy and normal" and eventually he thinks his feelings will come back. I'm starting to wonder of that means eventually he'll be over her. He doesn't want to talk about our relationship, or for me to ask him any questions about how he's feeling, etc.
 
#20 ·
He does not want you to dig into his feelings and thoughts because he is grieving. He is hurt and resentful. Because he had to give up his love because of you and her H. He has no time or feelings for you because of this. You are just being annoying. Your neediness to him is repulsive. He just wants you to go away and not bother him.

You need a new plan of action. You need to distant yourself from him. Read up on the 180 and start working on it seriously. Get strong and build up a wall to protect yourself. Then, when he is ready to deal, you have your ducks in a row. You are then able to handle whatever he dishes out.

You are going to need to get stronger to handle his angry when it starts.

In the meantime, get smart. STARt collecting all the necessary papers and documents incase this marriage does not survive. Get your finances together. Get copies of all bank statements, retirement accts, your mortgage and taxes. Your best defense is to be prepared.
 
#22 ·
You didn't post anything wrong.

My opinion, the juicier it is, the more comments.

My thread is a hundred pages. And if you read it, about 50 pages of it are nastiness lol.

If I were you id prefer the 20 supportive comments. ;)

But people here at TAM ARE here for you.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#24 ·
Emma,

I know you are in pain right now but you cannot fix the marriage yourself or win him back by bending over backwards. Your H is still emotionally attached to her as as some have pointed out could well be still involved with her just that it has gone underground. He probably blames you for his current state. He is blind to the pain and grief he has caused you.

You have to take care of your self and your child - how old is your child now? You said you were pregnant when this started? How many kids do you have?

YOu have to start emotionally detaching from him, do the 180 on him, do not engage him at all unless it is to do with the house, kid etc. Ignore him. You will find the 180 list here on TAM, read it and practice it as best you can.

Start doing things for you, get your hair done, manicures pedicures, go out with your female friends, attend movies, plays, etc. You are hurting and feeling abandoned which means you are a target for an affair too, so avoid these type of situations, you do not want to complicate things further.
You should go and see a lawyer to ensure you are many steps ahead of him - i know you do not want a divorce, but you do not know what your WH is thinking and it is better you are at least armed with the necessary information with regard to finances, custody, etc.

If you are not working, I would suggest you consider getting a job, it will be another way of getting out of the house and becoming financially independent. You will have to arrange childcare but our WH will have to share the cost /responsibility.

Go to IC to help you through this and talk to some close friends for support.

Start to act as if you are moving on from him. It sounds counter intuitive but he has to see that you can survive without him and see the reality of not having you or his kid full time. Remember you are worth more that what your WH is doing to you. His treatment of you will result in you losing self-esteem, you have to rise above it.

Please let all your family and friends know what he has done, if they are still at it, at least people will be informed and be more aware. You should not cover this up at all, this is totally on him not you. Affairs only ever survive in the darkness, when exposed, the fog usually lifts and the fantasy does not looks so enticing anymore so expose what he has done.

It is likely when you do all of these things that your WH will get a reality check. He may even scramble to win you back to him, be cautious, do you really want to be with a man who was willing to cheat on you and then throw you away?

If he does not at least you are on your way to being an independent woman who does not need the scraps your WH is giving you.
You can do this. Find your inner strength and righteous anger.
 
#25 ·
Don't wait around for him to love you again. Even if it does happen, by then, after suffering through his neglect, you may not love him anymore. I wouldn't take a chance on that. Ironically, I see my H in your situation. He cheated, I rug swept, and his only consequence was we stopped intimacy for a long while. I never insisted on the truth. Then when I had a revenge affair, he suddenly decided he loved me again and didn't want to lose me.
So he used every spy tactic available to force an end to my affair and now he waits around, looking like a wounded puppy half the time, like that is going to make me love him and want him again. I'm not telling you this to be cruel, but to show you that it doesn't work. My case is very different from yours in some ways, but the end result is that I wish I had had the courage to leave him before I did something stupid in return. Now I feel tainted by the whole mess. I'm not saying you are going to do the same, but to tell you that this is what can happen when you are in a loveless marriage that has been blown apart by infidelity.
 
#28 ·
There is no happy answer to this, so you will just have to tough it out. All of your options are painful right now, so I would choose the one that will should leave you in the strongest, healthiest position.

That is what others have said:

- Stop trying to nice him back.
- Stop acting distraught.
- Stop acting desperate.
- See a lawyer and learn what situation you will be in if you D.
- If you are not working outside the home, get on the stick and start looking for a job.
- Change your hairstyle, get some new clothes, participate in a new hobby, enjoy time with friends - in short, force yourself to have a life away from him.
- Be proud of yourself. Show some confidence.

Do the 180 to detach:

The Healing Heart: The 180

The 180 is amazingly effective and will help you within a week or two if you apply it seriously.

Don't beg for love. Why should you? He had an affair. He's the unworthy one. Put your big girl panties on and keep them on.

Let go of the fear.

Let go of the outcome.

You will survive without him if you have to.

180. 180. 180. That's your best chance right now to turn this situation to your advantage.
 
#29 ·
I just read the 180 post everyone was referring to. It totally makes sense. I've been doing all the opposites, basically begging him to love me and forget her. Sounds like I need to forget him instead. This is kind of freeing actually. I've had this fear of losing him which has been driving my actions but as I'm thinking of actually being free of him, even though it's not ideal for the family, it doesn't seem so scary. I mean the worst that could happen is I could be single for a while, or I might actually find someone that treats me right. Not to say I will leave for sure, but I think at least facing that reality and being OK with it is helpful.
 
#30 ·
Exactly, Emma! Find your strength. You were a whole person before you married him and you don't need him to live a fulfilling life now.

He may figure out that he is in love with the new, independent you, the you who doesn't need him to be complete, and then you can decide if you even want him anymore.

If he doesn't figure it out, then you have a head start on your new life.

It's hard to start, but if you discipline yourself with the 180, the healing and strength come quickly. If you stick with it, you'll be reporting to us soon that you feel much stronger. Don't drop the ball. Don't worry if you don't get it all right right off the bat, just try your hardest. Focus on you and your life, not his.

Stick with us. We all check in pretty regularly.

He may have broken your heart, but it's your heart and you can fix it yourself. You don't need him to do it.
 
#31 ·
What you are describing is textbook cheater behavior. Classic. I can't stress enough how strongly I feel he is in love with someone else, whether it be w the woman you know about or one you don't.

You absolutely can't change their mind by being nice.
Stick w your 180 and remember that if he's talking, he's lying.
The way you are describing yourself as an attractive, fun, healthy, willing to cook and clean, willing to try to make your spouse happy/-- you are crazy for putting up with this!
Life is too short to put up w a cheating spouse.

Soon he will start blaming his "feelings" on you even more. He'll want to separate because he wants even more space and your neediness is making him do it. He'll tell you how he didn't mean for this to happen but he just doesn't love you anymore and doesn't want to hurt you further. It's all bs. Your whole marriage is being rewritten in his mind so that he doesn't have to feel guilt for what he's doing. You truly won't even recognize him anymore.

Divorce him and find another man who will absolutely treasure a woman like you who wants to be married and wants to do what's required to keep a man happy.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and know firsthand how badly it feels.
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