Divorce after cyber cheating ?

DeenBean · 08-27-2011, 09:19 PM

Hi guys ,
Just looking for some advice and for someone to shed some light on my dark situation. I'll try keep this short . My husband of almost a year seems to have an "addiction" . About 6 months ago , one month after I miscarried our little baby I found out he has been having cyber sex with girls online ( telling them what he wants to do to them and vise versa , as well as doing things on cam while the 'she' does the same ) .

I have gone on his msn and spoke to these girls acting asif I was him (creepy I know but I needed to know more ) ...Anyway I have since calmed down and I can get through a day without crying about it but it passes my mind every day. My confidence has crashed , i'm jealous now and have a low self-esteem I'm not myself anymore. I threatened to divorce him then but he begged and my words didn't even really hold the weight of air it took to say them.

Right , that was 6 months ago and he said he would stop talking to them and never watch porn etc again. So I said we'll work on it. However about 2 months ago I just had a feeling that he was up to it.Again. He gave me no reason to , I just knew. He phoned me up yesterday and I pretended to act as if I knew for sure he had continued to do it again and he eventually admitted to it.

So what am I waiting for ?

I really think I should divorce him. He has been having cyber sex since he was 15 he's not going to stop now.

The thing is he's the love of my life and I thought he was my soul mate. He's my best friend. I'm scared of what I will do to myself ( I have a past of self harm ) and what he could do to himself as well , if I divorce him.

We don't have any kids , he has no job and I do voluntary work. So it's not like I'm financially dependant on him or anything. It's the wrong time for me to find out about his infidelity - I start college again in a few days .

Thanks for reading , I hope someone can perhaps tell me their story or advise me on what to do.

Mike11 · 08-27-2011, 10:47 PM

What happen to "for better or for worse" why so quickly on the Divorce trigger ?

I would strongly suggest going to MC/IC for the both of you
before so quickly using the big D word

Your Spouse is sort of a cyber sex Addict and any like any Addiction Addicts need a supporting and loving environment for them to be able to get rid of the addiction, IMHO You will gain nothing by divorcing him but more heartache for you and him and your families

Cypress · 08-27-2011, 11:47 PM

DB,

I agree with Mike, your hubby is a sex addict, not an adulterer. Your hubby needs professional help. Sex addiction is just like alcoholism. There are even 12 step programs for him and support programs for you.

I know his selfish actions hurt you to your core. But, divorce is not warranted at this point. If he rejects psychotherapy or joining an SA group, then you may want to consider it.

Cypress

Duddy · 08-28-2011, 10:14 AM

I agree strongly with Mike11 and Cypress, especially given how much you love him.

It's true; a real 12 step program can sure help and is usually free.

I'd also recommend that you both learn as much as you can about cyber addiction and about cognitive behavioral relapse prevention.

There are plenty of resources online for both and you can find easy to read books and resources online, at your public and at your college library.

Relapse prevention teaches simple strategies for overcoming cyber and most other addictions. You learn to identify and manage high risk situations and too find healthy "replacement-behaviors" and coping strategies like relaxation-training that can be done in place of the addictive behavior or to calm negative emotions that can lead to doing them.

I sure hope things work for you guys! - Duddy.

Jellybeans · 08-28-2011, 11:48 AM

I strongly disagree witeh all the posters here.

This is cheating. Straight up.

He told you he would stop and he hasn't. Which means he doesn't respect you or love you enough to care about how you feel about what he's doing.

You said "What am I waiting for?" I am not sure what you are waiting for but perhaps you need to answer that question yourself. You gave him a second chance and he blew it.

To the men who posted--if your wife was doing this, would you be ok with it? If she first, lied agbout it and you discovered it onyour own and then she promised to stop and then later you find out she's still doing it...my bet is most of you would see it as a dealbreaker.

Get tested for STDs, OP. To be safe.

the guy · 08-28-2011, 12:09 PM

IMHO, you are waiting for the scary thought of being alone to go away, you are waiting for the anxity to go away, you are waiting for the anger to go away, you are waiting for the feeling that you tried evrything in your power to commit to your marriage vows.

Once you can do that then you can move on. Getting to a point were you feel confident, happy, and satisfied that you did everything you could to save this, then you can make the move for divorce, knowing there will be no regret and a feeling of freedom as if a wieght was lifted off you occures. Then your ready to leave.

I think leaving right now may make you feel like you are running away from something, when it should feel like you are running towards somethng.

Geoffrey Marsh · 08-28-2011, 01:22 PM

Deenbean,

Don't be fooled, whether or not he's addicted does not subtract from the fact that this is cheating plain and simple.

He needs to show real remorse for betraying you and a willingness to stop his activities.

Do you pack it up and leave? That question can only be answered by you, just don't make any hasty decisions. You have been deeply hurt and your emotions are running on high. Take a deep breath and step back a minute. Take care of yourself first and get on stable ground.

You have your whole life to be divorced...don't rush.

GM

tm84 · 08-28-2011, 01:33 PM

I agree with Jellybeans on the issue of him cheating. That's exactly what it is. Even if it has been only online, he is not there with you 100% emotionally in the relationship and is disrespecting you and your marriage by continually returning to cyber sex even after being caught twice and knows how it hurts you.

If you want to try to save your marriage, then he needs to be confronted with some real consequences for his actions. Tell him that you will not tolerate his cheating and that he has been given enough chances.

The heavy lifing is on him, now. He has to show real and repeated remose and then take actions to change, such as seeking counseling and giving you 100% transparency, including providing you with passwords to any online accounts. He has lost the privilege of your trust and and privacy and he needs to see that you are serious if he wants to continue to have the privelege of being married to you.

See what your options are for counseling and/or divorce and see what you want to do.