Wife had an affair
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-28-2011, 09:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife had an affair

Here is my story. I have been married for 10 years in October. I have 3 children, 17 step daughter, 12 year old step daughter and a 2 1/2 year old son. I discovered my wife was having an affair through her text messages. When I confronted her about it, I was angry and did this in ear shot of my two step daughters. That was wrong, and am sorry for that. My wife is very upset that I did that.

We talked about the affair a little bit and she told me that she ended it to work on our marriage. The problem with that is she has not even tried to work on our marriage since day 1. She is 40, and I think she is going through a Midlife Crisis.

One month after finding out, she tells me she wants a seperation. She throughs alot of blame at me for not being compatable for the last 2 years. She finds anything she can to blame me for our marriage problem. She does seem sincire about feeling terrable about the affair.

I have tried many different things to show her that I still love her and want our family to stay together. I am affraid that she is trying to push me out of her life. Am not sure how to deal with all my emoitions and feelings. I am going to se a counsleor for myself. She is not willing to attend.

Any input is appreciated.
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Old 08-28-2011, 09:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair

She is still carrying on the affair. She is gas lighting you and the separation is so she can try out the other guy before making a decision.

The blame is her blame shifting. The years of not being comparable was her cheating.

Do not accept what she is doing here. Do not move out of the house. If someone leaves it should be the cheater. If someone works hard for the marriage it's puke be the cheater.

Don't get sucker punched again. Find out how she us still contacting the guy and meeting up,
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Old 08-28-2011, 09:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Oh and she should get off her high horse about her kids finding out. They are old enough to understand and should know what their mother did to their familly. Don't feel bad fir not helping hide her lies. If she didn't want to be what she is, then she shouldn't be cheating.
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Old 08-28-2011, 09:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair

The affair started in March of this year, and was exposed in July. My problem with her statement of not being compatable for the last 2 years is that my son was not born with instuctions for me to know how to divide my time between her, him and the 2 step daughters
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Old 08-28-2011, 11:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair

It was exposed, but did All contact end? These things don't just turn off like a switch. Her statements are called gas lighting and they are very typical of a cheating spouse. Just wait till you get "I love you, buy I'm not in love with you" BS. It sounds like they are continuing on the affair even if by email or text or meeting up.

If you want to fix this, then you have to show her that you are willing to let her go. If she will not get rid of the OM and work on the marriage, then tell her to go. It's hard, but you'll go through he'll chasing her and trying to earn her love back, but you'll fail. You need to show her that you are a strong make who she wants to be with. You do this through actions like telling her she can leave if she isn't willing to fully work on this, starting with coming clean and ending contact via a no contact letter.

Don't be afraid of her leaving, she already did when she began the affair.
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Old 08-28-2011, 11:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair

Your wife is justifying her A., and everything else she is doing, by blaming you for everything

If there were problems with the mge., fine, you own half of them, she is responsible for her half, and someone should have forced some communication----she HAD NO RIGHT TO TAKE ANOTHER MAN INTO HER, AND BREAK HER VOWS, under any circumstance

You need to go about what you will now do, in the following way, No more Mr. Nice-Guy---No Lovey-Dovey

You must be hard as nails, about everything

You make all the rules about YOUR future----Your future is No. #1, kids come 2nd---your wife is left as 3rd in your dealings

You make all the rules, as this is your future, therefore your ballgame----You are to be calm, cool, and collected about everything---AND YOUR WIFE GETS NO INPUT, NOR SAY ABOUT ANYTHING

Yes she can decide her future---but if she wants to try and CONVINCE you to R., then it is done by your rules, and they are to be tuff rules, with ACTIONABLE DEALBREAKER, END THE MGE. CONSEQUENCES

If she doesn't like it, toooo bad---tell her she is free to find an atty., and file for D., at any time----

You have the leverage, cuz somehow I do not see her wanting to become a single, divorced woman and mother of 3, at 40 yrs old, with the label of cheater----she will have to work, maybe 2 jobs, to make ends meet---she will have to take care of the 3 kids when it is her turn, and that is not gonna leave her, time, nor finances, to do much else---She is also looking at the prospect of there not being much in the way of guys out there for her---there will certainly be no one to take care of her, as you do/did/would---what she will deal with is guys who want ONS, want her to take care of them, want to use her, and for sure probably don't want an instant family of a cheating wife, and 3 kids---

-SO YOU SEE YOU HAVE THE LEVERAGE----use it wisely, and make sure you do what is best for you---tolerate nothing from her, remember she had no problem cheating on you, she knows how to lie, connive, manipulate, deceive, and blameshift---------------and basically she disrespects you, and thinks very little of you, and she surely doesn't love you, and may never again, no matter what she says---( Refer to above Paragraph, about your leverage)

If she even wants a chance at getting back into the family, and your good graces---she becomes grovelingly remorseful, completely contrite, an open book, and she COMPLAINS ABOUT NOTHING----that is the way it MUST be for the early period of your R., if that is the way you want to go!!!!!!!
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Old 08-29-2011, 01:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair

hardtime,

All of the above advice is solid! Take heed my friend. Things are going to get worse before they get better.

Make sure you come to grips with the reality of the situation. Things will never be the same again...and times are going to be rough.

Do not let her pass the buck over to you. This is not your fault!

The best advice on what you can be doing now is:

Focus on yourself! I know this gets said about a thousand times a day on this forum...but it really is the only thing that will help in the early stages. Focus on yourself!

Assume everything that your wife is telling you is a lie. I stopped seeing him...ok..proof? I want to work it out...ok..proof? I feel really bad about the affair..ok..proof?

Her actions need to backup her words.

best wishes,

GM
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Old 08-29-2011, 07:30 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks for the input. I am going to see a psychologist today, and will respond later. This SUCKS
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Old 08-29-2011, 09:58 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by hardtime View Post
The affair started in March of this year, and was exposed in July. My problem with her statement of not being compatable for the last 2 years is that my son was not born with instuctions for me to know how to divide my time between her, him and the 2 step daughters
Ignore what she says, she is making stuff up and re-writing history to justify herself. Its impossible to rationalize with her at this stage so don't bother, she will just try to prove you wrong anyway.

Don't fight her, it will just strengthen her resolve. Instead give her what she says she wants, she'll have second thoughts and change her mid about things later once she starts to come out of her fog.

Don't be her backup plan or make her feel secure with you. If she thinks you will always be there then she will have no motivation to want to come back. She has to earn her way back now since SHE did wrong, not you.
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Old 08-29-2011, 09:59 AM   #10 (permalink)
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OK, just got text report from cell phone. Confirmed that she is still communicating with OM. Really pissed. I am going to confront her tonight. She stated she wanted a sepration a week ago, she me finally get her wish, but under my terms.
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Old 08-29-2011, 12:23 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair

Change the locks on the house, pack her stuff in a u-haul in the driveway and when she comes home and asks if you are leaving, toss her the keys and say: "No, YOU are!"

Then she'll try to follow you into the house (won't be able to, as you changed the locks), start screaming and pounding on the door, then you can call the police and tell them that you fear for your safety, and have her removed from the property.

Hey, it works for women, why not for a guy?
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Old 08-29-2011, 12:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Track the OM down , expose this to his wife, if he is single expose to his parents and siblings. Affairs are only fun if no one else knows.

Before she gaslights you call her parents and tell them the truth.
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Old 08-29-2011, 01:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Absolutely expose this to the OM's wife immediately. You both need to get tested for STD's. Again key point is to contact the OM's wife immediately. Good luck.
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Old 08-30-2011, 08:05 AM   #14 (permalink)
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**** hit the fan last night. Asked her about texting OM. She denies. She doesn't know I have teh proof. Told her I was going to get text report from cell company. Still denies. Told her she has till Fri to decide if she wants to see counselor or not. I am guessing not. She still wants to live in her fantasy world. Next step is lawyer.
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Old 08-30-2011, 08:13 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair

Don't tip your hand regarding lawyer.

Read Just Let Them Go and The 180 degree rules.

No matter what happens to your marriage, you will make it.
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