There is always hope.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » There is always hope.

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 08-29-2011, 12:46 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default There is always hope.

I thought I would write a bit about the situation I was in 10 years ago. I hope I can give it justice....it's so hard to write about details that happened that long ago...and I don't want to write a book here. I will try my best.

To say I married the women of my dreams would be an understatement. I married my best friend, my confedant, my lover and my second half…she was my world. I have had friends marry out of convenience, it was the logical next step. I have friends that married because there was a little one on the way. I have had friends marry because they told themselves that they should be married by such and such an age. I have had friend marry because they wanted to have a wedding party...I think. I married because I was trully head over heals blissfully in love and I wanted to spend the rest of my days with the women of my dreams.

Three years and a baby boy later…my best friend came home from work one night and dropped a bomb that shattered my whole world. “I think I love him” she said to me and my heart stopped.

That’s how I found out..on the porch of my home on a cool summer night. Suddenly, the last six months of my marriage started making sense…and all the lies unfolded before my eyes. All I was left with was the sickest feeling right in the pit of my gut that would not go away and questions that I could not get answers for.

Of course we all know this was just the beginning. What followed was the hardest year of my life.

Are you staying? Do you love me or him? Stay..go..stay..go...and on..and on...and on. This lasted about a month.

I moved out (200+ miles away). He moved in (as soon as the coast was clear). We would drive and meet at the halfway point to share my son, I had him most weekends. This went on for 3 months. The divorce papers had been filed.

Then came the "gas-lighting and blame shifting" I was made out to be the most selfish, sluggish, non-understanding person that ever walked the planet. I bought into this.

Then came the games. She wanted to work it out...so she moved back in with me. Said it was over between them..I bought into this too. I stopped the divorce proceedings.

We all know she didn't stop seeing him, of course. I lost my mind. She put a restraining order on me. No, I never laid a hand on her. This was her way of showing people how right she was...I was a d_ck! Just like she said I was. She moved in with her parents and continued her affair.

The divorce was back on...another $1200 to file...yippie!

We didn't speak for about a month.

I was dead inside..completely hollow. Battered, broken..and broke. I cried daily. I drove around a lot. What came next saved my life.

I don't recall the exact time it happened to me, all I can say it was when I was at my lowest. I was driving down the highway coming home from work...major rush hour traffic. I remember looking at the cars full of people and just loathing every single one of them. Don't these people know what I am going through? Don't they care?

I was really losing control of my emotions....I was splitting in two!

Just then I pulled over...I had had enough! Enough of the pain...enough of the lies, enough of the guilt, enough...ENOUGH!

I got out of the car and dropped to my knees, right there on the shoulder of the road in the middle of rush hour traffic and prayed.

With hands folded and head bowed...I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed for Jesus to take control and to lift my burdens. I gave it all to the Lord above. Everything...my sins, my pain....my life. I placed it all before His throne and asked Him to take it. I asked for His will to be done and not mine. I admitted that my wishes were nothing to His. I prayed.


I left that road side and drove strait to the bookstore and purchased my first Bible.

From that point on things got easier.


Mind you...I was never a believer before.


So the story goes. I stayed glued to my Bible and to Christ day and night. I read and studied. I worked. I spent time with my son. I still loved my wife.


When the day came for the divorce to be finalized, I was in a good place. I was healed physically and emotionally. I was ready to be divorced and to move forward into being single again.

The judge gave me a chance to speak, I think...or I asked for the chance...can't really remember. All I remember from being in that courtroom was turning to my wife and saying "Honey, I love you...I don't want a divorce..I want to work it out."


We left hand in hand..proceeded to the diner across the street and had coffee.

It's hard to recall all the horrible details of what happened 10 years ago. I can attest that it was like any of the hundreds of post on this board. The script remains the same it seems for so many people. However...I can remember vividly how it felt when I prayed that day on the side of the road. I can remember how it felt to hold my wife's hand walking to that diner.

So how did you heal this relationship you ask?

No secret formula.

Although we didn't go to counseling. We got about every book there was on the subject...we studied, read, reflected. She came clean on everything. She corrected all of her lies she had told about me...reverse gas-lighting I guess. She took ownership of the affair. We worked as a team...we communicated...we took our time...and we kept Christ as our center..our Lord and our master.

best wishes,

GM

Last edited by Geoffrey Marsh; 09-15-2011 at 10:48 PM.
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Old 08-29-2011, 02:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

Thank you for writing this. I brings me much hope.

My husband wrote me an email from Iraq that he wanted a divorce and he wanted it all legal "right now." He seemed to be in such a hurry. We have been married almost 15 years and because I upset him one day, he wanted a divorce??? I never saw it coming (we had our normal problems mind you) but not to this extent.
He refused to write or call for an entire month--even on our sons bday. Sad really. When he did finally call, he was very emotionally and mentally abusive to us (our children are 10, 12 and 13). He said he was ready to move on, was not in love with me but liked the person I was....w/e that is supposed to mean.
Well, he is deployed and I continued to support him- send him what he needed and extras that we had planned all along in our care packages. He called one day and told us not to send any more. Every time he needed something though, he would place a one line email and request something. So I was being the nice person and sending what he needed.
One day he called and we were talking, trying to come to some terms with this seperation/divorce thing. He said thank you for supporting my decision. And thanked me for my support by sending what he needed. WHAT???? I told him straight out...he had ruined this deployment for the kids and I. We had dreamed of supporting him and making sure he had tokens of our love- weekly care packages and email notes...the whole thing. He had completely turned our lives upside down and made us all on edge. I told him I DID NOT support his decision -- to divorce me -- and most certainly did not support his behavior. But what I did support was the Soldier I love and no matter what I wanted to do what I set out to do- so that if something were to happen, I would have no regrets.
He went silent. I don't think he knew what to say. From that day on, I voiced my thoughts, stopped being his doormat and stopped sending packages.
My silence taught him what it would be like to be without me and that "support." We are 3 months into R, I still struggle with the words he spoke to me in such anger and in the midst of the fog. I know he does not want to relive what he said, he is ashamed....but I need to know he is really sorry and he really has yet to take responsibility. I guess in time that will come.

There is always hope. It was my weekly visits to my chaplain that help me find my voice and gave me the strength to say what needed to be said. I want to live with no regrets- and know that I did what I needed to for my family, but more important for me.
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Old 08-29-2011, 04:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

Wow! There is certainly hope. I am so pleased it happened for you and that you and W are trying to work it out. Thank you for sharing, I hope my H will have an epiphany of some sort to try and make it work too.
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Old 08-29-2011, 05:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

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Originally Posted by tess80 View Post
Wow! There is certainly hope. I am so pleased it happened for you and that you and W are trying to work it out. Thank you for sharing, I hope my H will have an epiphany of some sort to try and make it work too.

Tess,

We have worked it out...we walked out of that courtroom 10 years ago.

GM
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Old 08-29-2011, 06:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

Geoffrey,
That was beautiful, thank you for sharing!
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Old 08-29-2011, 07:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

Geoffrey... I have a question if you don't mind, how did it start, did you have a gut feeling about it that something is wrong? What were your flaws in particular that made her do what she did?

Sorry to probe, but your story is my worst nightmare - aka "Everything fine then suddenly BOOM!" =/
Just wondering how I can possibly prevent it.
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Old 08-29-2011, 07:38 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

Your story truly brings hope GM!! I'm happy things have worked for you and your W. Your story has made my day! Thank you for sharing!
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Old 08-29-2011, 07:52 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

how is that Justice ?

the only thing you gained is your son only.
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Old 08-29-2011, 08:18 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

Geoffrey,

Inspiring. Thanks! My H and I walked out of a courtroom back on July 30 a year ago, hand in hand, calling off our divorce after 5 months of my world crumbling around me. We are still working through things and I feel something happened with him a few weeks ago... Things seem really strange (calm good), like he's a different person, for the good thankfully. It was shortly after I found the personals on his phone a few months ago.

Again, thanks for sharing your story!

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Old 08-29-2011, 08:29 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

Wonderful story of reconciliation. Thank you for sharing.
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"said woman, take it slow, it'll work itself out fine. All we need is just a little patience."-Gun N Roses
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Old 08-29-2011, 09:05 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

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Originally Posted by Geoffrey Marsh View Post
Tess,

We have worked it out...we walked out of that courtroom 10 years ago.

GM
Apologies - I did read that bit.

It would be a continual process for sure. I'm glad it HAS worked out for you and your W.
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Old 08-29-2011, 10:10 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

I think it's wonderful that you guys reconciled and are still together. It's rare that this happens with these circumstances.
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Old 08-29-2011, 11:20 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post
Geoffrey... I have a question if you don't mind, how did it start, did you have a gut feeling about it that something is wrong? What were your flaws in particular that made her do what she did?

Sorry to probe, but your story is my worst nightmare - aka "Everything fine then suddenly BOOM!" =/
Just wondering how I can possibly prevent it.
I did have a gut feeling that something was wrong...but just figured we were having a rough patch. Nothing made me think she was cheating. It wasn't until I found out that all the pieces fell together.

As far as flaws...I don't know if that's the right word. I would say she made mistakes...so would she. She confided in the wrong individual (namely someone not me) and it spiraled out of control from there.

There was nothing that made her do it...it was her choice alone. A bad choice, yes...but still her choice.


Thanks,

GM
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Old 08-29-2011, 11:24 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

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Originally Posted by ArabianKnight View Post
how is that Justice ?

the only thing you gained is your son only.
Not sure what you're getting at here. I never was looking for justice.

I gained only my son? I think you missed the whole point.

best wishes,

GM
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Old 08-29-2011, 11:34 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: There is always hope.

Thank you for coming on here after reconciling and letting us know your story.

Three words said at your wedding and the same three words at your Divorce! So simple.

You were the one who was cheated on but you were the one to turn it around. The injured party usually waits and wants an apology.

I guess you manned up in a different way, in a way that every woman probably wants to hear her man say; an unconditional declaration of love even in the bad times as well as the good. That took great inner strength and I guess we know where it came from...

Wishing you every success in your reconciliation.

How long did your separation last for you to get your chance at love again..... in Court?
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