Wife has fallen for a fantasy

morituri · 09-06-2011, 12:12 PM

Having an affair is not the way. Sex is a very powerful bonding experience and there is the very strong possibility that one or both of you may fall madly in love. What then?

maudite · 09-06-2011, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri

Having an affair is not the way. Sex is a very powerful bonding experience and there is the very strong possibility that one or both of you may fall madly in love. What then?

I know it's not the way. That's why I'm beating myself up for considering it. My wife isn't making it easier either. She got all excited when encouraging me to do it.

Is god testing me and my goodness with all this. Let's see if he can deal with a delusional wife who has orgasms in front of him while imagining a nonexistant man while he struggles to keep his family together and maintain his job and sanity. Might as well have his wife encourage him to have an affair also. He can handle it.

What's gonna come next?

PBear · 09-06-2011, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maudite

I'm still going to encourage her to get help but I feel that my pushing has reached the point where it is counterproductive. She knows she's hurt me with this as it is the equivalent of an EA to some weird strange extreme.

Another thing that is bothering me is my own urge to have an affair. Not to get back at her for anything but to seek out my own happiness, to do something that may make me feel good even if totally stupid and irrational. I had an old friend reach out to me the other day on facebook. She's going through a divorce. I told my wife about it. I have never kept things like that from her. She's encouraging me to meet with her if for nothing else than to talk about our situations with someone who can relate. Of course she also encouraged me to "f the s out of her". If I meet with her I'm almost certain it will result in sex. It feels good to be wanted by someone, it felt good that she reached out to me. I'm fighting against it with everything I have but I'm broken. I want to be fixed. My wife can't fix me right now and may never be able to. I realize I'm just justifying this horrible decision but I don't know if I care.

As others have said (and I said on page 3), you're simply enabling her behaviour. You're teaching her that it's ok for her to dwell in her fantasy world, because you accept your life the way it is now.

Ask yourself this... If she was in an true affair (physical or emotional), would you tolerate her moving into her own room while you continue to support her? If not, why are you willing to tolerate this? In her mind, this is real (apparently). And as far as I'm concerned, she's more likely to work her way out of it if she gets slapped with reality. That is, a separation.

Good luck with this. Based on the second part of your post, I would guess it's only a matter of time before you cave into the affair. Might as well jump in feet first now, get it over with.

Have you given any consideration for what kind of marriage you're demonstrating to the kids? Separate lives/bedrooms. No contact or intimacy.

C

maudite · 09-06-2011, 06:58 PM

She has no ability to support herself and nowhere to go. I can't just kick her out in the street and make her homeless. I don't think that would knock her out of the delusion but would probably make her more dependent on it seeing as she would have nothing else.

We have talked extensively about the kids and the separate bedrooms and no intimacy. We can't fix that right now and according to her never will. The best thing I can do right now is to make sure they still have two loving parents devoted to their needs to be here for them. They have that as long as me and her can maintain a level of civility which is dependent on me becoming very careful about addressing the delusion as a delusion. Me asking or telling her to get help validates for her that I do not believe and pushes me into the enemy camp. I'm in the friendly camp right now. I will keep pushing her to get help but I have to stay within the friendly side while doing it or else the anger and resentment will kick up and nothing I say will be heard at all. Right now she may not accept what I say but she listens and thinks about it and it comes out later in the directions he provides her. I have to do this right, I have to be gentle, I have to develop her trust in me in order to get anywhere toward her seeking help. I've been doing extensive research on dealing with delusional disorders and feel I am going about this the right way. Being direct and firm doesn't work on people suffering from it. It just drives them further away from help.

ladybird · 09-06-2011, 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shaggy

She's suffering some major mental breakdown either because of the diet drugs or a natural problem in her brain.

Either way you need to stop trying to talk it out with her. She isn't acting rationally so you are not going to talk her into being rational

Go see a doctor about your concerns. If she gets more paranoid she may do something dangerous to herself or others.

This is way more than her fantasying about a dream guy.
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ladybird · 09-06-2011, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maudite

I'm still debating whether to call her therapist or not. I found her new weight loss pills last night. She's been taking Hydroxycut Max. There was a class action suit against the manufacturer and I've found a number of discussions about people experiencing psychosis and delusions after taking it.

She called me at work this morning freaking out. She couldn't find her car keys and was sure her fantasy had broken into the house and taken them to prevent her from going anywhere today. I had put them in my pocket this morning when I picked them up off the floor and forgot.

Dont think about calling her therapist CALL HIM/HER now... your wife is delusional.