My wife and I have been married a while with two kids. A couple of months ago I had suspicions about a guy she was working with and through a little accidental snooping I found some emails. I confronted her and she said I had been going on since January and that they only kissed once. At first I was very hurt, but I just wanted to move forward and for her to stop talking to him. She agreed and called him to tell him it was over. Since then they have still been talking and now I know a great deal more about what happened. Let's just say it didn't stop at a kiss. Last Friday I found some more emails and confronted her about her continued communication. She said that she was sorry and she is tired of failing at our marriage , but he seems to keep sucking her back into this relationship. Where I am at today she has blocked the emails but is very depressed..so much that she cries herself to sleep at night. She tells me that she wants to be with me and make the marriage work, but she is having a difficult time letting him go as she still loves him. She says she loves me and never stopped loving me, but confused as to why she has such strong feelings for him.
As a husband that is very forgiving and just want to move forward, how do I approach this depression? I believe she is worth fighting for, but at the same time I don’t to do any further damage to this relationship and our family.
she's the one doing further damage by continued contact
let me make this absolutely clear-
You cannot fix a marriage while an affair is ongoing
That means NO CONTACT with the OM
That means complete transparency from your wife (allow you access to all emails, phone, passcodes etc)
That means complete remorse from your wife and the willingness to do whatever it takes for you to heal
You have none of this and until you do, you have nothing
and when someone has nothing to lose then you shouldn't be afraid of creating further damage to the marriage and be able to walk up to her and inform that if she cannot do the 3 things outlined above then you will let her go and have the relationship with the OM as she desires and you will file for divorce
I know it sounds harsh
I know it is a very real possibility that she will agree
I know you're scared of losing her
but if she does leave then you have already lost her and are just getting to the end result faster without being the hell that is limbo
Thanks for the reply. I think she is sincere this time as she is sorry and actually blocked his emails which I was able to verify. I have also blocked his numbers on her phone in an effort to remove the temptation. My hopes is that all contact is over now.
My question and biggest concern now is how approach this depression or almost the mourning of a death. It hurts me to see her like this and for her to be in so much pain.
Depression aside... The main issue is she's still having an affair. You told her to end contact and she didn't and gave you a bullsh-t excuse as to why ("He keeps sucking me back in...") taking ZERO RESPONSIBILITY for her actions....zero accountability. That is major! You have no marriage as long as that's happening. If he is. Married you need to expose the affair TODAY without any warning to her. Posted via Mobile Device
Or you can file separation and divorce letting her know you aren't ok with an open marriage. Or you can do nothing and let her walk all over you since you've shown no consequences for her actions Posted via Mobile Device
Forgive my words, because i don't mean to be this brash, but screw her depression. It is self-inflicted. You didn't make her have the affair. Be careful of tactics like this, i'm not saying she isn't truly hurt, just saying that her "depression" will distract you from getting her in line the way you want to, because you will feel sorry for her well being. As stated above, NO contact with this guy, and you have open access to EVERYTHING!!! She's playing a dangerous where people can get hurt or worse. As long as this dude doesn't try anymore to come at her, i'd leave him alone. If he does, then i'd tell his wife about his pursuit with mine.
I agree with what has been said, but after there is truly NC she will go through withdrawal. It is best at that time to see a doctor and get some anti-depressants. This helps her to focus on reality. You want that. An affair is fantasy time.
Being too quick to forgive is dangerous. She is still in the affair and you are already forgving her. I understand but wish you luck with this.
As a husband that is very forgiving and just want to move forward, how do I approach this depression?
By not being so forgiving and moving on.
You supporting her in her depression in actually enabling her. She did something wrong and you are cuddling instead of showing her consequences. That's ineffective and may lead to either relapsing into the A (taking it underground) or her leaving you because she is unhappy.
Tough love in the only thing that really works. Screw her depression, she had a least an EA on you. That by itself shows she can't be trusted and is grounds for a divorce. Being so nice and supportive will only make things worse.
The best way of helping her depression is to get the three things I mentioned first and then you can work on the problems in your marriage that led up to the affair
you can't help her unless she's on board with reconciliation and stopping her affair and being open
Or you can file separation and divorce letting her know you aren't ok with an open marriage. Or you can do nothing and let her walk all over you since you've shown no consequences for her actions Posted via Mobile Device
This is very very important. Too often folks are so quick to show their love and to be forgiving and so on. They do not realize that by not handling the affair and sweeping it under the rug they have enabled this future behavior. They will not be respected either.
Just wanting to move forward is rug sweeping and not wanting to deal with the affair. Big mistake.
Thanks for the reply. I think she is sincere this time as she is sorry and actually blocked his emails which I was able to verify. I have also blocked his numbers on her phone in an effort to remove the temptation. My hopes is that all contact is over now.
My question and biggest concern now is how approach this depression or almost the mourning of a death. It hurts me to see her like this and for her to be in so much pain.
This again is easily handled by taking her to the doctor. He must know why. He has to know that she is in an affair. He cannot prescribe properly if he does not have the truth.
I've been on your wife's side of this and I agree with what you've been told so far. Your absolute first priority is to break the affair by whatever means necessary. Make no mistake - this is very hard to do. There is no reconciliation until this happens and she agrees to and maintains no contact. Having said that, and not to take anything away from or compare to the pain you're in - she's hurting badly - it is self inflicted but it's still there. It is very much like quitting a drug habit, it hurts - even physically. Affairs are extremely hard to quit - just like a drug habit - it is so easy to get weak and slip back in. That's why absolute no contact is so vital. She has to commit to it and understand that it is for her as much as you and your marriage. Assuming she can do that and that she does the heavy lifting you need to reconcile you can help her by being there as much for her as she needs to be for you. I know it sounds weird, but you can lean on each other and help each other through your respective anguish by communicating and working through what she did together. It may well draw you much closer than you were previously, it did for my wife and me.
The addiction part of her pain will fade in time, it will go faster if she maintains no contact. She needs you to hold her accountable for this, without it she may well fall to the addiction and make contact again. The other parts of her pain, remorse, guilt, shame, and a host of other emotions she and you will have to work through and deal with just as you and she will have to work through and deal with the pain and emotions you are suffering. Do it together, lean on each other, put your faith and effort in each other.
Broken I echo the what the previous posters have said. You need to get tough and resolute with you wife. You are not helping yourself, your wife or your marriage by wanting to move ahead quickly and skip steps. If you do not make it clear that you are willing to let her go if she continues the A or has another, then plan on more affairs in the future.
The way you handle this will decide the future of your relationship and you happiness in the future. It's natural to want to get past the pain quickly but if you don't deal with this now you will suffer silently for years. Better to feel it all now.
From the little that I have read, you seem to be suffering from nice man syndrome. You said nothing in your post about how you are feeling. You did not bring another into the marriage so why are you comforting her? She should be comforting you! You will not be able to manage emotionally with your present state of mind. She needs to do the heavy lifting now, she needs to take of you, she needs to atone. She is hiding behind the woe is me so that she can carry on the affair.
Given that cheaters lie lie lie, I doubt that she did not have sex with him. You have to do things completely different. Stop letting her make a fool of you while she enjoys the attentions of this OM and your ministrations. She is getting her needs met in spades while you are left in the cold.
I am more worried about you. She is fine but you are not and will not be until you tell her to cut the s**t, tell the truth and get to work or she is out and see if the OM will meet any of her needs.
What is your plan then. You need to arrange MC and IC. Posted via Mobile Device
Catherine - I agree with everything you said except the above. She may well not be fine. I was an emotional train wreck in the wake of leaving my EA. Again, all self inflicted and earned but without the support, help and love of my wife I would have been soooooo much worse, and could likely have run back to the OW just to stop the pain of quitting the addiction.
It's a strange place. The WS has to decide to own and walk through the pain they have earned completely before the LS can do anything to help them. But, once the wayward has done that, assuming everyone wants to reconcile, the LS can greatly help the wayward by being there for them to.
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Wife depressed after her affair 
