flowergirl77

Hello all,

I was on here a lot last year when I was in the midst of my EA.
(To clarify to those that may doubt..it was strictly an EA..nothing physical ever happened -so it was not about sex)

Since the last time I posted, I have struggled to get out of it completely, even though I have not seen XOM since November 2010 (DDay #2)...Here is what happened....I asked OM to meet me for a drink at a local pub-just to talk one last time to say good bye (as I had just resigned from my position due to my H ultimatum) it's was either leave the job- or our MG is over.He didn't want me around OM at all and I worked w/ him. So I made the very difficult decision to resign. I LOVED my job, and it was very hard to let it go. Sorry for the diversion...back to the DDay # 2, my H was suspicions that I was meeting with OM this particular night-hacked into my email acct and found the communications about where we were meeting. My H showed up in a rage where we were, guns a blazing-ordered me to leave with him, punched the door on the way out, broke his hand, yelled profanities at me in the parking lot (he became very verbally abusive, and actually scared me, was driving erratically and was totally crazed)
At that point I was sure our MG was over-I was going to leave because things had gotten so bad. Somehow I stayed, and went into a deep despair and was so depressed I even scared myself. I almost went into the hospital because I couldn't function as a parent, I was numb and shut down. I had no feelings for my H, and believed we were over-but he would not accept that...

I have not seen OM since that night.

Fast forward to January 2011... I spoke to XOM once during a brief moment of insanity-a mutual friend told me he misses me and just wants to talk he was worried about me, and wanted to know how I was doing... so I called him, suggested we meet for coffee. After it set in that I made this mistake, I messaged XOM " I don't know what i was thinking-we can't meet and I made a mistake contacting you." After sending that mssg to XOM, my husband called me from his office spitting mad, he found out that I called XOM (due to an anonymous Facebook message that said: "spoke with your wife she wants to meet up") I never found out who actually sent this message-it was either XOM or the one friend I told about this communication, and she denies it was her. To this day I don't want to believe it was him retaliating because I changed my mind, but I will never know for sure... so we had yet another DDay experience. My H raged and carried on and it was only a 5 minute call!

So that was the last I have seen or spoken to XOM ...but I am still not over it. I think of him all the time, when things are going well, when things are going not so well....all the time! I wonder how he is doing, I don't like how things were left back at the pub that night- and I have been so tempted to email him just to say hi..but then I think of all the pain my EA has caused, and how far we have come..and I don't do it. I just can't figure out why I can't move past this. I can't get XOM out of my head and it has been 8 months since our last contact. I just feel like I am losing my mind sometimes- I don't talk to H at all about this b/c he can't handle it..and I don't bring it up in MC for the same reason, but NOT dealing with my feelings is preventing me from moving on. It's like I am still stuck in that period of my life- I miss the relationship the XOM and I had. I miss talking to him...It has taken a huge amount of strength to keep NC-some days I feel like I just have to talk to him again, and after dreaming lastnight of seeing him again, I have been thinking of emailing him..crazy I know, but the urge is so strong, I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I need to do it just to put closure on it...I feel we did not have that with the way things were left that night at the pub.

Aside from all this my H and I are doing pretty good-despite how I am feeling. We are continuing to read books together, go out on dates, marriage counselling, but things have not been the same- there is still a part of me that is not here with him, and I haven't said "I love you" in almost 2 years-because I don't feel like it's true. I feel I have done all the right things- I stayed when I wanted to run- I have maintained NC, and continue my own counselling for my own issues. I am in school, and am over my depressive episode....I can't figure it out!!

Well, I just needed to vent and share my experience so I don't feel like I have nobody to talk to-maybe someone out there can offer me some advice to help me move on from this? HELP!

Thanks for reading.

Jellybeans

Are you surprised? You betrayed him... again.

Get into therapy to help you deal with the fallout from EA. Stop pining for someone who it's over and finito over with. You need to either focus on your marriage or get a divorce so your husband can be with someone who is true to him.

Shaggy

From your husbands view you are very much continuing contact. Because you are AND you are hiding it each tome from him.

Don't you get that the number one hurtful thing to your husband has been your betrayal. He lost his trust in you and your continued lies etc have done nothing but reinforce his fears.

You must never ever ever contact the OM in any way at all.

You should also seek out both personal therapy to work through grieving for the end of your affair and also get into marriage counseling to rebuild your marriage

At the moment your very lucky your husband is still with you at all. Many other men would have kicked you out after the night at the pub when you so blatantly lied to your husband.
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2xloser

This sounds to me like you're "checking all the boxes", so to speak, but not really doing the work -- ie, you go to MC and IC, but do not really talking through your feelings in sessions, but feel you've done the "right things" because you go...

I think the "need for closure" is bull****, fwiw. Closure was "I am married, love my husband and want to repair my marriage; I will never contact you again, and you are not to contact me again". You want to feel the heart skip a beat again, be in his presence again, and hope that some fishing will occur to know that he "really does care for me the way I thought"... this same guy that felt compelled in his little hissy fit to anonymously FB msg your hubby when you betrayed him for the 3rd time (and btw how dare you husband for getting angry at your betrayal -- the nerve of him!).

What do I think you should do? I think you should print out your post and bring 3 copies it to your next MC session - one for all of you -- and discuss what your hubby now wants to do. Which is probably have you pack your things and go, because he deserves at least a real, true effort and certainly better than what you are giving to him. You and your husband are not "doing pretty good"... you are emotionally not there with him. Is he there with you, or is he also holding back from the aftermath of your affair?

Almostrecovered

one of the strange things my wife said during the first week after d-day was that even though she won't contact OM she felt she wanted closure with him. I simply told her that if she tries to have closure with him then she will definitely be having closure with me as well.

Jellybeans

Soccerfan73

Well of course the husband will be angry if you are continuing to see Mr. Perfect.

A lot of us would have filed for divorce after the special goodbye ceremony at the Pub.

Amplexor

My wife engaged in an EA several years ago. I went for more than 3 years without hearing ILY from my wife. She, like you stubbed her toe and broke NC a couple of times. Like your husband, an ultimatum had to be delivered and she finally ended it. But it took a few days for her to accept that and make the phone call. It took a long time for her to get passed him. Our marriage survived during that period but didn't thrive. With time she emotionally reconnected with me and once that began our progress moved more quickly. It sounds as if you and H are in that limbo period as we were. Pining for 8 months doesn't surprise me but you can't fixate on it. Seek IC to work through this and get things back into perspective and do not give in to your desire to reach out to TOM. If you do, you will likely through everything you've worked for out the window. You must commit to this, it is the deal breaker for your husband. Your marriage hinges on it. I don't know exactly how long it took my wife to get him out of her head, and I am sure she still thinks of him from time to time. But it is over and done with and we have emerged a stronger couple for it. We are now 4+ years post D-day and are very happy in our marriage. I still carry anger in my heart but not at my wife, I've channeled that to TOM for his manipulation of her. A willingness to destroy a marriage regardless of who got hurt. Including my children. I would suggest you look at your TOM in the same light. After you had gone NC at your direction he continues to pursue even though he knows you are trying to recover your marriage. And you can bet your bottom dollar he was the one that sent the email to your husband. A snakey ploy to try to cause trouble so that you will turn back to him for support. He is a low life that you need to leave behind, that's what he deserves.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Pit-of-my-stomach

"Need for closure" is a rationalization your pinning your need for a "fix" too.

"I'll just have one drink"

lol.

and yes, of course OM contacted your H about your cancelled rendevous.

and you don't "want to believe it" ? lol. roflmao.

Wake up.

Stop wasting your time, your husbands hopes and dreams and your money on MC. If your not going to tell the truth, it's a joke. Nothing more than another excuse for you to ease your conscious with when your marriage fails. "I tried". Cut the sh*t, Your not trying.

Eli-Zor

Flower I have been tracking your threads from when you first started posting here and elsewhere..

How about starting to say to your husband you love him, the reason why you don't want to say it is because you are fantasizing about the OM .

Practice saying you love your husband as you will find you do and the meaning will follow.

Your husband is angry because you are not putting in the effort and committing to him, yourself or your marriage and he knows this.

Your a slab of meat for the OM , if I recall correctly you yourself said he was doing the same to another woman and I think he is married as well. A specialized philanderer.

How about a bit of honesty with yourself.

The OM feels nothing for you, you are desperate to prove this wrong, guess what after he has used you, abused you, helped destroy your family he will move on---without you.

You have been told numerous times you are a being used by him yet you and you alone insist on shining a torch for him and looking for a reason to contact him.

Your heart is not in the marriage because you are not allowing it to be, you are still committing adultery, you are still in the affair even though it is in your head.

No amount of MC, IC or us telling you is going to stop this. You are dying to send a mail to the OM and meet him, that is what you want, you are desperate to to be proven right and want him to chase you. Big deal , what will you be sloppy thirds , fourths, fifths..choose a number the guy is a serial cheat and you know this.

Time to throw yourself body mind and soul at your husband and family. The only way this will get better is if you kill the affair in your mind.

I do not want to advertise another web site however, go to the Marriage Builders site, book a call with Harley , it is a paid for session and seek advice on what techniques to follow to restore the love in your marriage. They do not do MC they simply guide you through a process. Your marriage is far more important than messing around trying to recover on your own . Only you can change this , improve your marriage and more importantly restore the love and trust between you and your husband. Once you have started to work to a process and your love is returning then by all means go to a MC.

Despite writing the above I am please you came back and have asked for a way forward, a good kick up the butt, radical honesty with your husband a strong dose of will power is needed right now.

Hang in there , keep the NC, it can take up to two years to get out of this rut, you however have to do some serious work.

better than before

You need to decide if you love your H and if you want to work through R and fight to rebuild your marriage. If yes, you have to focus on him/ you as a couple and quit thinking about the fantasy OM represents. I believe most people who go to AP and try to live a normal life aren't happy; the world they thought they had is just a fantasy. Marriage, unlike a fantasy, has kids, jobs, bills, and stress. My H and I have found we can make us a priority, but it takes a commitment from both of us. A secret life is like a drug addiction. I know you are in pain, my H was too, but you owe it to your H to commit or leave; he deserves all of you.
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flowergirl77

Thanks to those of you for responding with helpful advice. That is why I posted on here-to get other perspectives on my situation.
The million dollar question is though: Do I WANT our MG to work? I have my doubts about this, as I have not felt very optimistic about us in a very long, long, while. Even before my EA..things were not good at all between us-and never really were.

So I am left with the question: Are we just not meant to be together? That what is holding me back from fully engaging into rebuilding my MG. Sometimes I think I want to experience single life, and to be on my own ( I have been in or out of a serious R since I was 15 yrs old.) Part of my wants to experience being alone with no R issues and baggage to deal with. I am jus burned out and exhausted honestly-and have nothing left to put into this MG other that what I have been.

It is probably right-that part of me that wants C with XOM is the part that wants to know that I meant something to him. He has not made any attempt to contact me directly at all, so I think..he probably has just forgotten about me, and it cheapens the whole thing I thought we had. I see myself as a very insightful and intuitive person, and I really felt there was some kind of connection there-being that sex or physical contact never occured-it was strictly emotional..which is probably harder to get over that if we had just had casual sex and moved on.

Eli-Zor

It hard to answer this flower, I don't believe in marriage at all costs however I do say give it a fair shake. In your case because your mind is on the OM you are not giving it the best of you.

Your innermost thoughts are on someone else and by that so are your emotions this in turn is depriving you and your husband of the best opportunity to recover your marriage.

Often in private conversation I advise the wayward to learn to dislike the OM, to see then as they are: a predator on the marriage, as a person willing to break a marriage for their own selfish gain, a person willing to hurt their children. In some cases it helps in others not.

marcat

my partner of 11yrs has being having an emotional affair i at first thought it was just a friendship but after a while i got a gut feeling that something just wasnt right, he started staying out late and then staying out all night coming home at 9-10am when i questioned him about this he said that this other person was just a good friend going through a bad patch and that he enjoyed her company........... oh yeah and another thing he said was that people needed other friends in their life and not just their partner there was no reasoning with him it was just like this person was a stranger to me, i asked was he having an affair only to be told .. no way dont be stupid we are just good friends.. i have friends company that i enjoy but dont stay out all night i told him there was and still is no reasoning if i said anything about this other woman he goes on the defensive about her and im like DUH whats going on here, anyway i gave him the choice of coming home as normal or going to meet his friend and arriving home at whatever time, it didnt work he still stayed out so i told him to leave, we have been seperated for 1mth now i have so many emotions running around in my head , hurt, betrayal, denial, anger, rage, anxiety, totally unsure and a lot more that i cant put into words, this person that has shared 11yrs of my life is like a total stranger and all because of a FRIENDSHIP or so i have been told only a friendship, at the moment i am totally devastated and am feel on the outside of this world looking in

Eli-Zor

marcat...order the book "surviving an affair" by Harley it gives you some pointers on what to do. In the interim go to the doctor , get some meds as the next step for most betrayed spouses is depression.

Sorry flower, a bit of a thread highjack