AR I don't know about shamwow but bandit.45 is doing a pretty good job of recovery over by the Going through divorce forum. Check it out.
Trenton, I know that this forum may not be your cup of tea but it nevertheless it is essential for every spouse to learn how to, at the very least, look for signs to MAYBE save his/her marriage.
AR I don't know about shamwow but bandit.45 is doing a pretty good job of recovery over by the Going through divorce forum. Check it out.
Trenton, I know that this forum may not be your cup of tea but it nevertheless it is essential for every spouse to learn how to, at the very least, look for signs to MAYBE save his/her marriage.
June 10 will be my 2 year antiversary, and I'm still feeling pretty badly off. Its my own fault though, I shouldn't have opened up those old emails and messages from her affair. It set me back almost 2 years.
I have a few questions for Almost that are relating to the past few years in review, and what his opinions are on certain subjects. I have hard questions because it's the hard questions that nobody seems to be able to answer successfully. I'm in limbo with my own marriage, and quite frankly I don't know if I want to keep it after my wife's affair.
My history and your history share a ton of similarities by the way.
1. Is there a day that goes by where you don't think about or get reminded of the affair in some way?
2. Would your life have been better had the affair never happened? Why or why not? I ask because I really hate hearing the whole, "My wife's/husband's affair was the best thing that happened to our marriage." I really feel that even if my ideas of reconciliation are possible that the marriage would ultimately have been better without the infidelity. People can and do make marriages better without some awful experience to kick start it.
3. How exactly has staying married helped you? How has it been rewarding in any way? Do you feel that it was better than any other alternative? My question is related to keeping the source of your pain close, and how you feel it has affected your recovery.
4. By staying married how have your feelings towards your wife changed? Do you look at her positively the way you did before any knowledge of the affair? Can you be around her, have sex with her, experience life with her without experiencing the pain of the affair in any way? Do you hold her in a positive loving light, or is it the idea of marriage itself that you love? I'm really curious as to how a person can cheat and thus change the concept of who the are forever, and still be seen in a positive way by their spouse. Even building a "new marriage" just seems like the parties involved are lying to themselves about who they are and what they've done to each other, and yes, I'm suggesting that the past does matter. Maybe I'm wrong here, and if I am, then maybe, just maybe, there is hope for my marriage.
5. I believe "recovery" should include a full feeling of happiness and joy, something that was hopefully experienced before the affair. Something like that feeling that you are with somebody who loves you, and always has loved you as long as they've known you. How is this kind of recovery possible while memory persists? How can memory and emotion be completely seperated in this way? Is my concept of recovery even possible, or do I need to settle for recovery as something else? If recovery is something less than what I expect, then wouldn't it be better to divorce and find a new relationship with somebody who hasn't cheated on me? Somebody who I can have that feeling of a clean history and an untarnished love with? After writing this I see again why you call yourself AlmostRecovered.
6. How have your feelings towards your wife's lover changed over the years? Do you feel that justice is needed in any way? Despite the fact that your wife was the one who made the choice to hurt you, was he not party in the act as well? Did he not also cause harm by fooling around with a married woman? Is he not accountable for the pain he helped cause? I say this because I believe that justice can be a huge part of those being wronged finding peace.
I have to add for those who are reading that Hysterical Bonding isn't always positive. My wife and I went throught the same process, and it was absolutely awful for me. I was plagued by thoughts of her being with him during EVERY instance of sex with her, yet I needed the physical contact to keep the feelings of rejection for her affair away. I eventually started watching porn and masturbating just so I had a way to kill my libido, to keep her from touching me so much, and to keep the feelings of craziness away. That was hell too. Talk about a mess of triggers and no percievable way out. I hate this. Suicide has often crossed my mind as a way to just relieve this awful pain, though it's not as often now that I'm 1 1/2 years out. I often wonder if she's worth putting up with this pain for. I'm leaning towards no.
I commend you, Almost, for the work you've done on your marriage, your honesty here on the forums, your ability to write a complete and comprehensive sentence, and your help you've given others. Please note that I've done a similar post elsewhere because I really want answers to these questions by those who claim recovery, and I invite anyone who has such claims to respond as well.
June 10 will be my 2 year antiversary, and I'm still feeling pretty badly off. Its my own fault though, I shouldn't have opened up those old emails and messages from her affair. It set me back almost 2 years.
But at least I know just about everything now.
LM
You have helped so many here and I truly wish you will start a thread for YOU, even though you are an "expert" like the rest of us regulars, I think having outside opinion may be of great benefit to you.
I will answer one question at a time as I have the time to do it
Quote:
Originally Posted by Retribution
1. Is there a day that goes by where you don't think about or get reminded of the affair in some way?
no there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it
but then again there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my mother and she's been dead for 17 years now. But it's not like I break down crying thinking about it.
of course, I visit TAM every day to help others so in a sense I keep the affair to the forefront of my mind by my own doing. But as I stated at the beginning of the thread, there is a "healthy detachment" about it. I'm not wrought with emotions when I reflect upon it.
That said, I still have that occasion moment of of either anger or depression or fear or what have you. I still have that fantasy of going back to change things. But they don't last long and have become less and less frequent.
But frankly, I don't want to "forget it"
I respect myself too much to let that happen and become ignorant
2. Would your life have been better had the affair never happened? Why or why not? I ask because I really hate hearing the whole, "My wife's/husband's affair was the best thing that happened to our marriage." I really feel that even if my ideas of reconciliation are possible that the marriage would ultimately have been better without the infidelity. People can and do make marriages better without some awful experience to kick start it.
well just like I dont have a time machine, I also dont have the Silders portal (crappy scifi show from the 90's where people traveled to parallel universes
but I can tell you that things would be different, some better some worse
1) I think our sex life would still have improved- my wife was hitting her sexual peak and if she chose to get freaky solely with me instead of having the affair I think would have been receptive and just as bold in trying new things
2) I can't say if I would have lost the weight, I somewhat doubt it
3) I probably wouldn't be smoking now
4) But I just can't say if we would be communicating as well or as much or connecting emotionally like we can now. I suppose if she wanted a D or wanted MC or something along those lines I bet we could have had something similar but I just don't see that happening in that alternative universe. Things were blah but not terrible so I'm not sure if either one of us would have gotten the drive to put that into effect.
but ultimately I will never know, will I?
and to dwell on such possibilities is a fun exercise at times but mainly fruitless speculation
what happened happened and there's nothing I can do to change it, I made the best of a horrible situation
3. How exactly has staying married helped you? How has it been rewarding in any way?
It's helped my kids for starters and as much as I don't think staying for the kids is a good reason by itself, it is most certainly a factor
It's been rewarding because we have something great
we "get" each other
we laugh at the same sh!t
we truly enjoy hanging out together
I look forward to seeing her after work and the weekends and she does for me
I ache for that body of hers and the sex is great not because of the frequency but because we know each others bodies' so well that we are experts on pleasing each other and it's truly a wonderful experience having someone who you can't keep your hands off of
Quote:
Originally Posted by Retribution
Do you feel that it was better than any other alternative? My question is related to keeping the source of your pain close, and how you feel it has affected your recovery.
from my viewpoint I feel I am better off having R'd under the correct circumstances than to have D
would I have "healed" faster if I chose D?
yes, I think so
and I will never know if I would have found love again like I have now, and I won't claim it isn't possible because I believe we all have a chance to find to what we need/want/love but it wouldn't have been easy.
Not that I am choosing my wife for an easier path because in some ways it wasn't easier
but ultimately I think you are asking me- "was/is it worth it?"
I can answer yes, it was. BUT only because she made it worth it. 99% of the time she did the right things by me post Dday
Not every WS does that, in fact, I think my wife is an exception rather than a rule.
4. By staying married how have your feelings towards your wife changed? Do you look at her positively the way you did before any knowledge of the affair?
I don't trust her blindly anymore
which some would view as a bad thing, but I don't
and my view of her is positive in almost every aspect currently, it's almost as if she was possessed for a month and understanding the chemistry of an affair helps me realize that in many ways she was indeed a different person, but ultimately I do have to live with the knowledge that she chose to cross that line and cheat
Quote:
Originally Posted by Retribution
Can you be around her, have sex with her, experience life with her without experiencing the pain of the affair in any way?
I don't get the pain so much anymore, I used to quite a lot and it took a while to let go of the fear and just enjoy myself and enjoy being with her sexually or just eating dinner or watching TV
I'm not blind to the fact that it all can go away, but I'm at a place now where I know I can't do anything about certain things in life and if something bad happens then well, at least I had some fun, had love and tried my best
Quote:
Originally Posted by Retribution
Do you hold her in a positive loving light, or is it the idea of marriage itself that you love?
I prefer being happy over being married anyday, If I wasn't happy being married then I would get a D. I love being with her not the idea of marriage by itself. If she does something else to change that feeling I will not hesitate to file.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Retribution
I'm really curious as to how a person can cheat and thus change the concept of who the are forever, and still be seen in a positive way by their spouse. Even building a "new marriage" just seems like the parties involved are lying to themselves about who they are and what they've done to each other, and yes, I'm suggesting that the past does matter. Maybe I'm wrong here, and if I am, then maybe, just maybe, there is hope for my marriage.
of course the past matters
of she did horrible things
she slept with a man whose wife was 38 weeks pregnant
she nearly destroyed our marriage
she nearly destroyed our children's sense of security and well being
she nearly destroyed me
all in the name of selfishness
because she thought she needed more attention
and instead of asking me she went and got it elsewhere
if you're asking me if I can forget that, well I can't and I HATE the things she did and she chose to do
but I don't hate her
why?
I also see she what she has done since
and I see what changes she has made to not only being a better person and wife but also to help me become someone better
I'm not saying I was an awful person who did horrible things, nothing I did was nearly as devastating or horrible, but who the hell am I to hold myself in a better light when I have my own issues to be concerned about? Everyone one of us needs to focus on ourselves in what we need do to improve ourselves. We don't elevate ourselves by putting others down.
My wife IS a different person now
I am also a different person
It IS a new marriage
AND neither one of us will ever forget and we will learn from our prior decisions
Thank you, Almost. You have some really good answers, and I really appreciate your responses. It's helping me put my marriage and situation into some perspective.
I really don't want to waste my time with somebody I'll never be happy with, and I don't want to regret the time I spent in hell only to discover it wasn't going to end well for me anyways. You and I agree differently (not suggesting that one of us is more right than the other) on what is and isn't necessary for a happy relationship. I see now that I'll likely never be happy because I do miss that trust that I had for my wife. I miss the way I felt about my wife, she was my virgin bride and I her virgin husband. We were to live the rest of our lives, never experiencing another person sexually for as long as we were married. I loved her so much that other women lost their appeal. I haven't seen her that way for over 1 1/2 years, and I miss her desperately. I suppose it doesn't matter to me how she or I can/have changed for the better since the affair. The affair itself is too much for me. The betrayal too great. You, Almost, are certainly the acception and not the rule. I commend you and congratulate you for that.
You have helped so many here and I truly wish you will start a thread for YOU, even though you are an "expert" like the rest of us regulars, I think having outside opinion may be of great benefit to you.
I've never started a thread on my situation because my situation is nothing compared to the heartbreaking horror stories here. They need the help much more than I and my heart goes out to them. Posted via Mobile Device
I've never started a thread on my situation because my situation is nothing compared to the heartbreaking horror stories here. They need the help much more than I and my heart goes out to them. Posted via Mobile Device
cut the crap my friend, your situation deserves just as much as attention as the rest of us
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Re: 2 years ago today... 
