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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-02-2011, 12:35 PM   #31 (permalink)
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okay guys, sorry to say I will likely take a break until Tuesday (unless I get some time in the morning tomorrow)

obviously, you can see how much I was doing wrong at this point but I can promise I eventually wised up

have a great weekend folks
so you just want us to be curious of your story. well you got it.
but i do not like the half made job.
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Old 09-02-2011, 01:01 PM   #32 (permalink)
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so you just want us to be curious of your story. well you got it.
but i do not like the half made job.


I think he's writing this as he's working, so he'll get back to us when he can. And we'll be here for him with much shorter fingernails.
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Old 09-02-2011, 01:02 PM   #33 (permalink)
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imagine the detail if I wasnt multitasking
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Old 09-02-2011, 01:02 PM   #34 (permalink)
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okay guys, sorry to say I will likely take a break until Tuesday (unless I get some time in the morning tomorrow)

obviously, you can see how much I was doing wrong at this point but I can promise I eventually wised up

have a great weekend folks
You enjoy your weekend as well. I won't be back on here until Tuesday as well.

But as a side note: It is odd the things we do recall in such situations...
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Old 09-02-2011, 01:08 PM   #35 (permalink)
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imagine the detail if I wasnt multitasking
ok buddy, enjoy your weekend. God Bless you and family.
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Old 09-05-2011, 08:15 AM   #36 (permalink)
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I answered the phone in a monotone fashion as if I didn't know who it was.

"Can you come home please?"

I replied "give me 10 minutes"

I took a sip of the beer and left it unfinished and headed home, this time I drove slower than usual, not wanting to hear the "truth"- that I was a failure and my wife would leave me for another man. (just to show what sort of toxic thinking one goes through during this period)

The kids had already arrived home from school when I entered the house, they ran to give me their usual hello hugs and expressed surprise at how early I was home. My wife then told them to go into the other room to do their homework. They complied after a few whiny protestations. My wife then approached me with a softness and totally unexpected look of sadness rather than what I had expected prior. As she touched my cheek she frowned and said, "Oh no, you've been smoking, haven't you?"

I nodded trying to look impatient as I wanted answers.

She then went on to explain that she didn't tell me that he was coming over because I had previously exhibited jealousy and didn't wish to get me worked up over nothing and that they were just good friends- especially considering what I had gone through with my parents. (side note- the fact that she used one of the most painful time periods in my life to lie still haunts me to this day)

The last time I had cried wasn't even at my mother's funeral. (putting aside shedding a tear of joy or two for the kids' births and my wedding) It was actually 2 weeks prior to her death, she was sitting on the den sofa and I decided to sit next to her and watch the OJ trial coverage together. I reached over and held her hand. The hand felt like a skeleton and was bony. Mom was always plump but now was skinny except for her distended belly due to her liver being over thrice its normal size. Her breathing labored and you can see that she was in general discomfort. A wave of emotion hit me as I knew that the end was near. I excused myself and walked to the next room where I just lost it. The warm tears streaming down my face, my stomach clenching as I tried to muffle my howls of grief so she wouldn't hear them. I couldn't hold back.

Over 14 years later I found myself having the same involuntary reaction as I buried my sobbing face into my wife's shoulder. "I thought I was going to lose you", I cried.

Last edited by Almostrecovered; 09-05-2011 at 08:23 AM.
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Old 09-05-2011, 08:30 AM   #37 (permalink)
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After regaining my composure I tried my best to "scold" her and informed her that she can longer lie about this stuff. That I was uncomfortable about him being alone in the house with her and that would stop and she would have to tell me what's going when she sees him or others as it's only right that married people know where their spouses are and what they are doing. She didn't fight with it and apologized some more and agreed that she would do as such. he also let me know that it was likely that she won't see much of him any more soon since his baby was due that week and would be attending to his wife and family more instead of going out. I felt relieved.

However, the momentary sense of relief didn't last long. My wife was right in one thing- I had gone through this before by proxy with my mother. I knew that someone who I looked up to and trusted could lie and betray you. I knew that she could be lying to me and that I had to find out. I wouldn't bury my head in the sand like my mother, it was time to learn from her mistakes.
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Old 09-05-2011, 08:44 AM   #38 (permalink)
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Part 5-

My second wind and second d-day


I knew nothing of infidelity support boards, VARs, keyloggers and such. Looking back, I am somewhat shocked that I didn't think to google these things right away. But I still possessed the wherewithal to figure out to uncover some answers I needed. I started by signing up online for the cell phone account. Until then we had received paper bills (and phone was in my name btw) and I knew I would be a month behind in phone records had I relied on that. I also have VOIP for our landline and checking phone records would be easy. I soon identified his numbers (both home and cell) saw that her calls to him and vice-a-versa were aplenty. It really irked me that she was obviously losing sleep to talk to him and be with him when we hardly had time for each other. I also checked her facebook account (I had her password) and gained as much info as I could on the OM. There were no messages between them in the mail system. (facebook didn't save chat at this time) Of course I monitored the email but they stopped using it for obvious reasons.
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Old 09-05-2011, 08:45 AM   #39 (permalink)
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okay, wife is up after sleeping late - will continue tomorrow
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Old 09-06-2011, 09:02 AM   #40 (permalink)
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okay, wife is up after sleeping late - will continue tomorrow
Patiently waiting.....but I have to ask: Are you going through the emotions all over again as you write this?
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Old 09-06-2011, 09:20 AM   #41 (permalink)
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not really, I am definitely detached a good deal by this point, almost as if I saw it in a movie


we even talked about it last night- I asked her if she was aware what date range we are in right now and she answered that she was thinking about it and how much regret she has over it. I then told her that this year didn't sting so much and that we should use this time period to for a martial check up of sorts and we then had a half hour convo on what was good and what we could tweak, etc
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Old 09-06-2011, 09:23 AM   #42 (permalink)
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not really, I am definitely detached a good deal by this point, almost as if I saw it in a movie


we even talked about it last night- I asked her if she was aware what date range we are in right now and she answered that she was thinking about it and how much regret she has over it. I then told her that this year didn't sting so much and that we should use this time period to for a martial check up of sorts and we then had a half hour convo on what was good and what we could tweak, etc
Awesome that the two of you are still using such a bad thing to improve your marriage!!
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Old 09-06-2011, 09:31 AM   #43 (permalink)
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The best part was when I asked if she still finds our sex life satisfying, she grinned wide and said "oh yeah!"
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Old 09-06-2011, 09:39 AM   #44 (permalink)
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The best part was when I asked if she still finds our sex life satisfying, she grinned wide and said "oh yeah!"
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Old 09-06-2011, 10:36 AM   #45 (permalink)
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One of the first things I noticed by perusing the cell phone records that night was that she placed a call to him on her drive into work the previous night (when I confronted her). This to me looked very suspicious, as if she couldn't even wait to get to work to let him know that I was onto them. That night I was dumb enough to confront again, this time I was a bit more sneaky at least.

Me- "So, any more time with OM (real name used of course)?"

her- "Nope"

me- "You been calling him a lot?"

her- "No, not really, in fact I haven't even spoken to him except dinner break."

"Oh really? Well, I know you're lying to me yet again now. I have phone records that you placed a call to him on your way to work last night. I really can't take this lying anymore and it has to stop! WTF is going on here, just be honest and tell me if you're having an affair so we can move on."

I was sitting in my "Archie Bunker" chair at the time. (the chair I would always sit in, my wife would sit on the couch usually with a table in between us, it was like that scene in Citizen Kane where Orson Wells and his wife get further apart at the dining room table) She came over to me and straddled me with her knees on both side of my thighs. She grabbed my cheeks with her hands to get me to look straight into her eyes. This moment is another one that is burned into my brain.

"I am sorry, I forgot about that call, I was just inviting him to our Octoberfest party. I promise you that I am not having an affair and I love you too much to do that to you."

She was so convincing, I felt like a fool for questioning her. I really wanted to believe her and thus I did for that moment.

We then had sex on the chair (the kids were already in bed) in the same position as she told me that lie.
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