For starters if I was going to get the truth from her then yelling would likely result in her hiding things again. The reality is that the wind just got sucked out of my lungs and I was speechless.
Her-"He didn't answer, but I left a message saying where we were and perhaps he could join us."
Me- "and did he show up?"
Her- "not in the first 20 minutes, by that point I was scared that he would and left."
Me-"You realize that by trying to contact him is a deal breaker? I'm on the edge of giving up here and as much as I appreciate the honesty, it is only giving me reason to leave you."
Her (full blown cry by now)- "I know, I just have this overwhelming urge to have some closure with him."
Me- "Let me make this clear to you- if you continue to get closure with him, then you will most definitely be having closure with me as well." (I kept emphasizing the word closure)
At this point I had no idea what to think-
the upside was that she was willing to tell me what she had done and in a weird sense was asking for help. I would have never known had she not told me.
the downside was that she still deep down was drawn to the OM
It was clear that I had to reiterate that it was him or me.
Me-"I just don't what to say, and you're tipsy so let's go to bed. You're going to have to prove to me that I'm the one who needs answers more right now."
The next morning she was up before me and as I came downstairs she had already typed up her letter of resignation to the hospital.
This "offering" was probably the one thing that saved her. I told her that she would get this one mulligan (to this day I still can't believe I used that word) and anymore would result in getting a lawyer. That night I knew what I had to do, it was now 5 weeks past d-day and I knew the task before me was going to be a hard pill to swallow.
Awesome story Almostrecovered! The classic affair, the male friend who she suddenly stopped talking about, the "Just Friends" line, etc. And like you, at the time, I also didn't know about keyloggers, VARs, etc, and I didn't even think about looking at forums like this for some odd reason. All I had was a buddy who had no experience in situations like this.
Your initial confrontation went just like mine also, with me begging and crying. And you instinctively set about the correct conditions for R: NC letter, Full Transparency, Trust but Verify, etc.
Awesome story Almostrecovered! The classic affair, the male friend who she suddenly stopped talking about, the "Just Friends" line, etc. And like you, at the time, I also didn't know about keyloggers, VARs, etc, and I didn't even think about looking at forums like this for some odd reason. All I had was a buddy who had no experience in situations like this.
Your initial confrontation went just like mine also, with me begging and crying. And you instinctively set about the correct conditions for R: NC letter, Full Transparency, Trust but Verify, etc.
Can't wait to read more!
The hard truth is that the majority of people end up flying blind in dealing with affairs. I guess that's why it's so damn frustrating on the boards that when you can actually offer your experience to help someone else and they still make the same damn mistakes. (and equally satisfying when you can actually help someone willing to listen like Sham for instance)
There was maybe one thing I did correctly in telling the OMW about her husband's affair- I didn't tell my wife I was going to do it.
Perhaps I was afraid that she would try to talk me out of it so I never gave her the chance. She expressed fear that she would come after her violently and didn't want a confrontation at all. The fear and shame were obviously still present and facing what she had done to this woman wasn't something she would like to do. I doubt she would have warned OM, but it was possible so I wasn't going to take any chances either.
While I will always state on the board that the main reason to expose an affair to the SO of the OM/OW is for the basic reason that they have a right to know, I wanted to do as such badly for pure revenge motives. I wanted that f**ker to pay for his crimes badly. It ate away at me knowing he likely didn't tell his wife anything and would get away with it with no consequence. As much as I didn't want to hurt his wife, I felt she needed to know what kind of man she was married to and envisioned all sorts of nasty things being thrown at him as a result.
This would lead to my downfall, I was assuming too much.
I first contacted her on facebook as you are able to send messages to people who aren't friends. I gave a detailed account of what I knew and how I knew and this was also a mistake. I called the next day to verify that she received my message.
I was dumbfounded as to her reaction
In a rage she vociferously defended her husband and told me that my wife was crazy from her MS and using her husband as a tool to strengthen our marriage and to get me jealous. (I mean really, she believed my wife risked divorce with a machiavellian and convoluted plan?) I was so caught off guard by her reaction that I couldn't even think of the 20 things that shot holes in this excuse. My wife heard my raised voice at this point and knew what I was doing, she could gleam from the conversation that OMW didn't believe me and did what I never thought she'd ever do she spoke to the OMW-
She told her of his fetish of wanting to get f'd in the a with a dildo hoping she'd recognize it (unfortunately she never knew) so when she wasn't buying it she then described his penis and the birthmark on his pubis.
I'm guessing here, but maybe it was because of this?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
After the OM answered the phone, I didn't take the time to introduce myself. I felt that my demand would be more than sufficient to let him know who I was.
"You have 24 hours to tell your wife"
(cue the Jack Bauer clock)
Him- "Dude, you're overreacting- we're just friends!"
Me- "Hard to overreact to a quickie, eh?"
Him- "C,mon, that was just a joke!"
Me- "I'm done talking with you, I have more evidence than that- you have 24 hours."
and I hung up
Perhaps OM was able to spin the story to his betrayed wife, labeling you and your WW as crazy? That's what I've read often enough when the OM/OW are alerted to the BS exposing the affair to their own BS.
The next morning I took all of the evidence (phone records, emails, facebook messages, etc) and mailed it by registered mail to her work with a note about the call my wife made to her husband ending it and how I heard for myself on speakerphone how he was sorry for making a mess of things. (I wasn't the one lying in her eyes after all)
I never heard from her since the phone call
At this point I felt like I did all I could do with OMW, I gave her the info and what she chose to do with it was her business. I have no idea if she ever opened her eyes to the situation, at the time she was in full blown nesting mode with the new baby and likely wanted to believe her husband so badly she chose to ignore the obvious.
The good thing to come of this is that the hold OM had on my wife was gone in one fell swoop. The fresh tire tracks that say "Greyhound" left on her forehead had made her despise OM. I almost think she hates him more than I do at times. Also, the fact that my wife saw what was happening on the phone and refused to protect the affair went a long way in our recovery. From this point forward I can say that my wife has done everything asked and needed. Things started to get better.
tomorrow- part 8- 5 weeks to 6 months of post Dday
I'm guessing here, but maybe it was because of this?
Perhaps OM was able to spin the story to his betrayed wife, labeling you and your WW as crazy? That's what I've read often enough when the OM/OW are alerted to the BS exposing the affair to their own BS.
I agree it's possible due to the convo, but the story she gave included disputing facts from my email to OMW. IOW, he likely defended himself based on those particular allegations at that time. Besides I'd like to think he was a true coward and never told his wife anything until he had to.
Add this part in before I had the fight and tried to expose to OMW (in fact it probably added friction to the fight) I had planned on writing about this but skipped it by accident (freudian?)
This isn't something I'm proud of either. In my attempts of understanding my wife's motivations and feelings of excitement she experienced I actually took steps to have an affair of my own for a short lived 3 hour period.
Well, maybe those reasons aren't truthful and perhaps were lies that I told myself, I was more likely looking for revenge and perhaps hurt someone who hurt me to show them what it feels like.
I started my search on craigslist and found an ad for a dating website devoted to cheaters (which can't be named here as it's filtered). I even created a profile with no pic so I could peruse the ads.
Luckily for me I can recognize a rip-off when I see one.
I quickly learned you'd have to spend some serious money to even interact with people and get details. I also figured there were likely 8 times more men than women on these sites. And after reading some of the pathetic intros to profiles of the women I realized what I was doing was so wrong.
I came to my senses.
Even if I wanted to hurt my wife in such a manner, how could I be the one to hurt someone else's spouse after knowing what it feels like.
I deleted the profile.
I even confessed to my wife during one of our talking "sessions"
You could physically see how nervous that made her and I felt sick for even thinking of doing it. She made the comment of understanding why and expressed relief it went nowhere but I'm sure it shook her badly and added to the building tension.
But if I am going to be honest here I may as well tell everything that happened. In some ways I am a cheater as well, there was no excuse for what I did as short lived as it was. We didn't sweep it under the rug either, I have always remained transparent and reciprocated with giving her my own passwords and such. While she never brings it up in our talks, I have on occasion and always express my true remorse for that.
I started my search on craigslist and found an ad for a dating website devoted to cheaters (which can't be named here as it's filtered). I even created a profile with no pic so I could peruse the ads.
I came to my senses.
I guess it's natural to want to hurt those that hurt you. I can see how you would want to get revenge on the situation, but glad you "pulled the plug" on it, so to speak. Just from reading about you and your life experiences, this doesn't seem to be something that is in your nature. Just my thoughts...
I appreciate that you said that southern, but I refuse to ignore the fact that I was all but a credit card number away from doing something horrible
I understand, but you seemed to have been in your own "fog" and about to do something very regrettable. And good for you for including this detail in your story.
the upside was that she was willing to tell me what she had done and in a weird sense was asking for help. I would have never known had she not told me.
That was a good sign, one that the fog was beginning to lift. Even though she fished for renewed contact with OM, she admitted to it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
This "offering" was probably the one thing that saved her. I told her that she would get this one mulligan (to this day I still can't believe I used that word) and anymore would result in getting a lawyer.
Great job on setting consequences and her showing remorse by putting in her resignation. From what I've seen, a workplace affair is one of the most difficult affairs to kill, AND the BS can never truly heal or have any peace of mind because of the chance of renewed contact, after all, you can't watch them at work unless you actually work with them.
I'm curious, did your WW also go NC with that group of friends too? Because they are definitely not friends of the marriage, and most likely enabled the affair. The friend even possibly facilitated your WW calling the OM by lending her cell phone. It's hard to believe that the so-called friend would unintentionally leave her cell phone for your WW to use.
One of the things that really annoys me is when coworkers have these after hours get togethers at bars/clubs, and actually enable coworker affairs when they know one or both of them are married. My own fWW would tell me that her coworkers invite her out all the time for their get togethers at bars and she would refuse or make up some excuse to get out of it.
I'm curious, did your WW also go NC with that group of friends too? Because they are definitely not friends of the marriage, and most likely enabled the affair. The friend even possibly facilitated your WW calling the OM by lending her cell phone. It's hard to believe that the so-called friend would unintentionally leave her cell phone for your WW to use.
One of the things that really annoys me is when coworkers have these after hours get togethers at bars/clubs, and actually enable coworker affairs when they know one or both of them are married. My own fWW would tell me that her coworkers invite her out all the time for their get togethers at bars and she would refuse or make up some excuse to get out of it.
I was going to get to that, but I'm fairly confident that the only people who knew of the affair at the time weren't at the bar. The people in my wife's department were mostly women and not all of them could eat at the same dinner break. The only one who was indeed was part of that dinner break group was the one she took the phone from. However, she was a recent divorcee who was a BS and my wife had no intentions of telling her due to the shame involved in that. In fact, two weeks after she left work she was defriended by this woman on facebook, so it was apparent that the rumor mill got back to her at that point My wife hasn't spoken to anyone at her work since then and after she got defriended she then defriended the 3-4 co-workers left still on her facebook account.
I'm sure that OM's buddies (like the ones who were "supposed" to go his house that 1st day) knew what was happening and were probably the gossipers.
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Re: 2 years ago today... 
Re: 2 years ago today... 
