I've been with my husband for almost 6 years. I was 15 when we started dating and he was my first everything. We've been married a little less than 2 years and he's been in the Air Force for about 1 1/2. I'm currently 6 months pregnant with our first, a girl. Which I thought he was very excited about and still says he is. I'm currently home in Hawaii while he is stationed in Texas. I left for the summer because things were very stressful there and I was pregnant. He was drinking and neglecting me and it was miserable there. He supported me going home to visit and we were on good terms. I planned to return after summer.
I've found out through long long hours of digging and prying and guessing and playing mind games that a week after I left my husband went to strip club with his single friends, and exchanged numbers with a very ugly drug using stripper. Whom he proceeded to meet up with to do drugs with and eventually supposedly two months later they had sex because he was too high drunk and whatever. Which supposedly happened only once.
I highly doubt. This took two months to lead to, after which I caught on and slowly the truth came out. Very slowly. I had to find hard evidence which wasn't that easy because he denied EVERYTHING. Its been a month since I caught him that I finally last night got the rest of the details about her being a stripper he found. During the whole time he was talking to her he put me on the backburner by not wanting to talk to me often and being very moody and snappy which I attributed to him going through a phase because I knew he was having drinking problems and stress/depression/anxiety. Turns out he was using drugs as well.
He's in an alcohol treatment program and he swears he is different and wants to be different for me and the baby. He says he never thought you would have done something like that and doesn't know how he did. He is begging for forgiveness and for me to come home so he can be there for me and the baby. He's making all sorts of promises and good intentions and wants us to see a marriage therapist.
I feel like me and this baby were so worthless to him. Less than a disgusting ugly druggie *****. I feel like I would be doing myself and this baby a disservice by allowing myself to return to someone who treats us with zero respect.
I loved him A LOT. And unfortunately still do. He messed up a lot in the past. Lies and addictions. I always still loved him and forgave him. Never retaliating against him. But NOTHING close to this. He blames it on the military changing him. He says since he joined he's not the same person.
I'm a good girl. I can be a psycho girl
, but I'm as loyal as it can get. I've had choices. I'm very attractive. I've got goals and ambitions and I'm intelligent. I've always been a hard worker and am still pursuing my education. I could have had the guys in school girl's wanted, and I could have had men later who had careers and houses and money and genuinely wanted to treat me right because they watched how he treated me. In all honesty, he is a loser. I forged a letter to his school so he got his last half credit for working so he could graduate. He had to take special ed classes to pass school. He failed every college course he attempted. His longest job was pizza hut. Military was his last option. But I still loved him with all my heart, and NEVER have I strayed. Not even a flirtatious text or message. I didn't because I would never ever betray someone in any way that I love. Maybe its because he is my first. Idk. Its against everything I believe in. I'd hate myself. Don't I deserve the same respect?
I admit I am not perfect. I have a temper and I'm very emotional. I have been controlling in a sense that I don't approve of alcohol/drug abuse and just idiotic behavior. Yes I know we are young and should experience life and be stupid yada yada yada. But I didn't have an option and had to grow up fast. I've had a job since I was 14 so I could help my grandparents in any little way to lessen the financial burden of raising me and my brother. Not to mention I had to take care of my younger brother too. Both my parents were drug/alcohol abusers and my grandparents raised me. Last year my dad who is a homeless bum tried to attack me (I wouldn't give him money for alcohol) and I got a restraining order against him. Then this past December my grandmother who raised me suddenly died. I have daddy issues, maybe that's why this relationship is that much more emotionally imbalanced for me.
I'm fun and outgoing but not in the sense that he wanted. He wanted to go partying and get messed up all the time. I like going to the beach and doing water activities and going hiking and just enjoying being active and the outdoors. I want to do thrilling activities. I'm not a complete shrewd. We smoked marijuana recreationally, although he manages to overdo EVERYTHING he can. Our sex was good. He was actually the boring/lazy one. When he did try he just not very good in general. I could do crazy things and he wouldn't last 2 minutes. And despite that fact, and that he always neglected me and didn't give me much attention although I've always had guys willing to give me all the attention I want I NEVER strayed.
I'm heartbroken and my world feels like its been torn to shreds. I actually thought he was different and I was lucky because he wasn't one of those pigs. I actually felt lucky at one point to call him mine. I saw the future with me and him and this baby as a happy family. The family I wanted to provide my children with that I never had. This baby was an accident. But he was happy and wanted it. He even would say how we would have to have another one soon after so she would have a sibling.
I'm lost and I don't know what to do. He is begging me to come back and let him show me how he can be different and how he wants us to seek therapy. He claims the program he is in has really helped him and that he can be a different person. I'm scared that I would be making a huge mistake by allowing myself to be stuck with someone who is just going to hurt me again when I know I deserve better. I can't sleep and barely can I eat. I'm miserable and suddenly break down crying, but I'm managing to hold it together pretty well i think. I'm sooo sickened by all this. A nasty *****? Over your wife and unborn child?! A wife who would have done anything for you. I want to vomit.
Why am I so stupidly soft and forgiving? I see him hurting and I want to hug him despite everything. What is wrong with me?! This situation is so messed up I wonder if I was some kind of really bad person in a past life....
What adds to the flame is the fact that this whole event has taken away almost every ounce of excitement I had for this baby. I can't help it but that's how I feel. When people ask I unintentionally frown. I was so excited. The first kicks and everything. Now I am just sulking at the thought of raising her alone and her not having a real dad in her life. I'm so afraid I won't be good enough or I won't be emotionally all there for her because of what he did. I don't want to feel that way, but I'm afraid because she deserved better. A wayyy better start in life than this. I want to kick myself for bringing a baby in to a world with such a crappy beginning. I know its not my fault for what he did, but I can't help it.