Hello. TaDor here, my first post of many. My name is a random pressing of the keys.
I’ll try to keep this short and to the point as much as possible as things are blowing up at this moment.
We’ve been together for 5 years. Have a 2 year old son together. I’m 40 and she is 30.
We’re also an open-relationship couple (likely were). I’ve been this way before we meet. I’ve dated wives with husbands knowing, been respectful. After I’ve had my fun with a FWB, it stays as friends – with benefits.
We are into BDSM and other kinky stuff that we do NOT do inside our home...
Back to *MY* situation. Over the two months into this “trial contract”, in which he is her “slave”. The relationship between my wife and myself started going down hill. Sex was going down, arguments were going up. I started noticing their body language, even in public. I looked on her phone and discussion of feelings were there. So that along with our fighting and her GOING out with this Guy, who I’ll call Wimpy. Because he drinks a lot and cries about how hard life is. Gee, you get to bang a cute little woman and get your kink on and your life sucks? My sex drive was suffering a well. One of the issues is that WE do have a 2yr old who sleeps in our room and he ****-blocks quite a bit, oh well.
I had a stipulation in the contract that IF our relationship is having problems, that they cannot play. It was a tense meeting, I made my point and they both reluctantly agreed. I stated that ONCE our marriage issue is worked out, we can re-visit them being able to play. Since they work at the same place and I generally do like(d) the guy – I said they can remain as platonic friends/co-workers. He goes on a drinking binge and ends up in rehab. I check her phone and notice texts about how he hurts. This is during the recent Thanksgiving holiday...
Then Monday evening, I get a text from wife, saying “Can I go out tonight?” – thinking it was ME and HER, I said yeah. But its with Wimpy and I’m not invited. I said no. Thinking that was the end of that, she leaves at 10pm – out the door, while I have my hands full and telling her its BS and that I consider it cheating and its going to get ugly. She says they’re going out with him and his friends (Neither of them have a car). The fight continues in TEXT. I told him to bugger off. He says “you said we can be friends” – I told him, NO, not yet and this is NOT how to go about it… that he’s going to be on my poop-list really soon.
She doesn’t tell me where she is and I don’t have tracking on her phone. She comes home at 12:30pm… and starts her period. Wow, its been a week since we made love… and now that.
So it’s a fight, she did nothing wrong. They went bowling, drinking and such with friends.
It was a fight for her to unlock her phone, which is something NEW. Most of the text from them is innocent – but there is a few texts about them “****ing” and having one of his friends video-record it with his phone. Wimpy also stated that one of his friends had a dream that Wimpy and my wife were ****ing. Wife tells me that it was a “joke”, nothing more. I’m thinking GIRL-LOGIC… twisting her meaning to actually mean (to me) that the friend recording them *is* the joke.. I think there is BS going on...
From this past Wed, when we spent about two hours talking, I thought we had some headway to repairing our marriage. By all means, we have a lot more to work on. We generally had a good rest of the week, but Sat. night the wife goes out with another female family member to a male-strip club. No big deal, they have their fun… and we’ll make love.
I am the driver – taking them to the club and will be picking them up. But I noticed on her phone, she had sent Wimpy a photo taken sometime earlier in her nice dress for that night – which was taken before I got home. I was upset and told her. That *IF* its just friends – then it would be on facebook, not JUST to one person. And that it should have been sent to *ME*. This turned into a miserable drive. We text fought while I drove back home. I check our online phone records some time later that night, after I have brought the women home and see that she was constantly texting Wimpy. Those texts ended when I showed up at the club, then a few more when we were home. I’m livid. I talked to the family member who went with her, she told me she was pissed because my wife was constantly on her phone, not having fun doing what they usually do there.
Sunday morning, I tell Wimpy to bugger off in texting. Get out of my family’s life. He says I’m making assumptions. This argument goes through the day between the three of us. My threats gets to the point that when she gets off work, she’s taking the baby to her sisters. I told her “no”. I call the police before she gets home, as it turns out – so did she. Her sister comes and picks her up. The police will not allow her to leave with the baby...
I do love my wife. I DO want my family back together. I know I should totally dump her, but I love her, I love our family, I really don’t want anyone else.
I think most of us here at TAM are monogamous, and so it's hard for us to give any suitable advice for your situation. I'm not a fan of open marriages, but different strokes for different folks.
The reality is that you
have a huge boundaries issue. You had an agreement with your W about what is and is not okay, she violated the boundaries. When she did, it doesn't seem like you enforced any sort of consequences for those boundaries. That has to change or she'll lose all respect for you--she may have already.
If I were in your shoes, whether you like having an open marriage or not, I'd end all such activities for both of you. Sit you W down and tell her this ends now. No more contact with her Sub / OM. No OW for you. Doesn't matter what she wants or likes, this is about your and her family. Your kid. And make it clear that No Contact is permanent. Make her send him a No Contact Letter. Your M needs to go monogamous, she's not made for a poly LS. She's going to either have to make the OM find a new job, or she is going to have to get a new one.
Tell her this is her one chance to not give her child a broken home. If she beaks the NC, your filing for D. And if she does break NC--which I guarantee she will, since she doesn't care about boundaries you set--you must file D. Keep your word, integrity matters.
Regardless of how this works out, you need to work on fixing your boundaries problem. When you set out boundaries for someone, and they violate them, you must provide tangible consequences.