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post #16 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 09:49 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Yeah, I have zero sympathy for the op here. OP made the storm and now says "****, it's raining!".

Your lust for kinky sex screwed up your marriage. Now that she's in love w another man, you see that she's all you really needed. Every kid wants, wants, wants. An adult is able to find contentment in what they can reasonably have with hard work and dedication. They find joy in that. You should have worked harder at your relationship w your wife instead of putting your energy into banging strange stuff.

What did you really think was going to happen letting your wife sleep w other men? Contracts? Laughable....
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post #17 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 10:14 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Originally Posted by TaDor View Post
Hello. TaDor here, my first post of many. My name is a random pressing of the keys.

Cheating wife?

I’ll try to keep this short and to the point as much as possible as things are blowing up at this moment.
We’ve been together for 5 years. Have a 2 year old son together. I’m 40 and she is 30.

We’re also an open-relationship couple (likely were). I’ve been this way before we meet. I’ve dated wives with husbands knowing, been respectful. After I’ve had my fun with a FWB, it stays as friends – with benefits.
We are into BDSM and other kinky stuff that we do NOT do inside our home...

Back to *MY* situation. Over the two months into this “trial contract”, in which he is her “slave”. The relationship between my wife and myself started going down hill. Sex was going down, arguments were going up. I started noticing their body language, even in public. I looked on her phone and discussion of feelings were there. So that along with our fighting and her GOING out with this Guy, who I’ll call Wimpy. Because he drinks a lot and cries about how hard life is. Gee, you get to bang a cute little woman and get your kink on and your life sucks? My sex drive was suffering a well. One of the issues is that WE do have a 2yr old who sleeps in our room and he ****-blocks quite a bit, oh well.

I had a stipulation in the contract that IF our relationship is having problems, that they cannot play. It was a tense meeting, I made my point and they both reluctantly agreed. I stated that ONCE our marriage issue is worked out, we can re-visit them being able to play. Since they work at the same place and I generally do like(d) the guy – I said they can remain as platonic friends/co-workers. He goes on a drinking binge and ends up in rehab. I check her phone and notice texts about how he hurts. This is during the recent Thanksgiving holiday...

Then Monday evening, I get a text from wife, saying “Can I go out tonight?” – thinking it was ME and HER, I said yeah. But its with Wimpy and I’m not invited. I said no. Thinking that was the end of that, she leaves at 10pm – out the door, while I have my hands full and telling her its BS and that I consider it cheating and its going to get ugly. She says they’re going out with him and his friends (Neither of them have a car). The fight continues in TEXT. I told him to bugger off. He says “you said we can be friends” – I told him, NO, not yet and this is NOT how to go about it… that he’s going to be on my poop-list really soon.
She doesn’t tell me where she is and I don’t have tracking on her phone. She comes home at 12:30pm… and starts her period. Wow, its been a week since we made love… and now that.

So it’s a fight, she did nothing wrong. They went bowling, drinking and such with friends.
It was a fight for her to unlock her phone, which is something NEW. Most of the text from them is innocent – but there is a few texts about them “****ing” and having one of his friends video-record it with his phone. Wimpy also stated that one of his friends had a dream that Wimpy and my wife were ****ing. Wife tells me that it was a “joke”, nothing more. I’m thinking GIRL-LOGIC… twisting her meaning to actually mean (to me) that the friend recording them *is* the joke.. I think there is BS going on...

From this past Wed, when we spent about two hours talking, I thought we had some headway to repairing our marriage. By all means, we have a lot more to work on. We generally had a good rest of the week, but Sat. night the wife goes out with another female family member to a male-strip club. No big deal, they have their fun… and we’ll make love.

I am the driver – taking them to the club and will be picking them up. But I noticed on her phone, she had sent Wimpy a photo taken sometime earlier in her nice dress for that night – which was taken before I got home. I was upset and told her. That *IF* its just friends – then it would be on facebook, not JUST to one person. And that it should have been sent to *ME*. This turned into a miserable drive. We text fought while I drove back home. I check our online phone records some time later that night, after I have brought the women home and see that she was constantly texting Wimpy. Those texts ended when I showed up at the club, then a few more when we were home. I’m livid. I talked to the family member who went with her, she told me she was pissed because my wife was constantly on her phone, not having fun doing what they usually do there.

Sunday morning, I tell Wimpy to bugger off in texting. Get out of my family’s life. He says I’m making assumptions. This argument goes through the day between the three of us. My threats gets to the point that when she gets off work, she’s taking the baby to her sisters. I told her “no”. I call the police before she gets home, as it turns out – so did she. Her sister comes and picks her up. The police will not allow her to leave with the baby...

I do love my wife. I DO want my family back together. I know I should totally dump her, but I love her, I love our family, I really don’t want anyone else.
I think most of us here at TAM are monogamous, and so it's hard for us to give any suitable advice for your situation. I'm not a fan of open marriages, but different strokes for different folks.

The reality is that you have a huge boundaries issue. You had an agreement with your W about what is and is not okay, she violated the boundaries. When she did, it doesn't seem like you enforced any sort of consequences for those boundaries. That has to change or she'll lose all respect for you--she may have already.

If I were in your shoes, whether you like having an open marriage or not, I'd end all such activities for both of you. Sit you W down and tell her this ends now. No more contact with her Sub / OM. No OW for you. Doesn't matter what she wants or likes, this is about your and her family. Your kid. And make it clear that No Contact is permanent. Make her send him a No Contact Letter. Your M needs to go monogamous, she's not made for a poly LS. She's going to either have to make the OM find a new job, or she is going to have to get a new one.

Tell her this is her one chance to not give her child a broken home. If she beaks the NC, your filing for D. And if she does break NC--which I guarantee she will, since she doesn't care about boundaries you set--you must file D. Keep your word, integrity matters.

Regardless of how this works out, you need to work on fixing your boundaries problem. When you set out boundaries for someone, and they violate them, you must provide tangible consequences.

Last edited by Kivlor; 12-21-2015 at 10:58 AM.
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post #18 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 10:29 AM
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Re: This blew up today.

Open relationships are like organized crime...

It's only a matter of time until someone gets bus tossed.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #19 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 01:13 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

You draw a line, she crossed it, you do nothing.

You draw a line, she crossed it, you do nothing.

You draw a line again, she will cross it again, what you do is upto you ?

she is more loyal to Wimpy than she is to you. The moment she went out inspite of your protests, you became Wimpy. The nerve of this guy to even argue with you after all this.
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post #20 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 01:27 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

The problem with holding a tiger by the tail is that sooner or later you have to let go.

Last edited by Hope Shimmers; 12-24-2015 at 09:24 PM.
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post #21 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 02:06 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

So, shes basically went from your "open marriage" to a full blown affair?

Do you think perhaps the only reason she was ok with the open marriage in the first place was so she could have fun?

Whose idea was this to begin with?

I've known 2 people to have somewhat open marriages. My current husband now and my older sister. With my DH his ex wife had been having affairs for years, he had no idea... one day shes bored with the marriage wants to spice it up. They start having threesomes and exploring in the swingers stuff. Year or so later he finds out shes in an affair with 2 men she works with. He filed for divorce that day. Looking back he can see where it all went wrong and now realizes that she just wanted him to have threesomes and have all these sexual experiences to hide her guilt from her affairs. Their marriage was over years before all this but she strung him along while she kept her affairs underground and tried to "rebuild" their marriage with counseling and what not. Obviously the joke was on him.

My older sister and her ex husband did the open marriage stuff as well. I think drugs contributed to their mindsets on that one. Well after a few years of exchanging partners he finally left my sister for a woman he met during the "open marriage" and fell in love with her.

my advice from what I've seen personally- most relationships don't last long after a 3rd party enters it.

Best of luck to you....
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post #22 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 02:33 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Originally Posted by TDSC60 View Post
Wimpy is not a "have sex then come home" relationship. He is a co-worker. She sees him and talks to him every work day. She probably spends more time with him at work each week that she does with you and the family.

Overly friendly co-workers are a danger to any marriage. More so to your's with your life style choice.
I think this is on-target. It's said that romantic love is created when a person meets at least three of your top emotional needs. This guy is fufilling her needs of intimate conversation, quality time, and sex. I'd bet he's meeting her need for affection as well. She's feeling it and is falling for him.

If you want it to end soon, she's going to need to quit her job and go no contact with him.

"If we hurt, we hurt others. If we love....guess what? Easy math, the basics, really. Add love, subtract anger, multiple kindness, divide suffering." Emergent Buddhist.
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post #23 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 02:39 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

The problem with men thinking they can have open marriages and screw as many women as they want is that most women don't work that way. Most women can only love one man at a time and most women WANT to love the man they're screwing. Gee, I guess you're screwed. Now you know.
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post #24 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 03:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
We've had an open relationship for 16 years. There have been no issues or problems that a simple conversation could not fix. The hard boundary for us both is that intentional breaking of any agreement, or exceeding boundaries when one of us (usually temporarily) sets one for the good of the relationship, is cheating and will not be tolerated. If the behavior does not stop, it can and will lead to filing for divorce.

Your situation is really no different than anyone else on TAM dealing with a cheating spouse.
Yes, thanks. Cheating is cheating - doesn't matter. And yes (to above poster) I'm familiar and know those books. I've told both of them to read the material and learn to talk. We've had talks. I did understand that telling them that they broke boundaries didn't end the emotional connection. But yeah, the primary relationship is the one that counts. I'm not putting all the blame on her, but she really haven't been communicating whats been going on.

I've asked her questions and ask her to speak her mind. I've told her that we both have to talk.
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post #25 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 03:42 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Maybe this will sounds rude or something like that but I dont feel sorry for you or your wife.

You asked for it now you got it.

How can you love someone and share them with others ccc ?

One other thing. You are 40 and she is 30,banging 21 year old. What did you expected in a relationship with no respect,love and boundaries ?

I wish the best for your son,but the two of you not so much. Sorry.

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post #26 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 04:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: This blew up today.

As things have progressed with the OpenMarriage life-style. I've already been thinking there are things not worth about it. I've talked a little bit about this situation with another OpenMarriage couple that we have play with (and are friends with) - as they too have been Open for 10+ years. They are not happy about the situation and shocked that she would do this, choose a 21yr old emo boy over family?
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post #27 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 04:26 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #28 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 04:29 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post gotta forward me this GIF.
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post #29 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 04:31 PM
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Re: This blew up today.

Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post gotta forward me this GIF.
You should be able to copy the URL by right-clicking the image. If not, though, here it is...

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #30 of 670 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 04:53 PM
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Maybe your wife is happy with wimpy.
Maybe her idea of an open marriage is exactly what she is doing with Wimpy and cameraman.

She is saying that her side flings aren't just sex toys but actual real flesh and blood people who have emotions, feelings, attachments and cry when drunk!

She loves everyone!
She was given an opportunity to love everyone when she met you and you are an awesome man for letting her bond with 21-40 year olds.
Maybe there will be a 60 year old in the future with money,style, and class that will become a part of the equation!

I don't think she can end it.
You showed her a whole new side.
A wonderful, kinky world where she gets sex slaves who she can go bowling with and a man at home who encouraged it!

Just sit back and let it happen.
Enjoy the world
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